My mom is seriously effed up - asking for advice

[abitbroken]

I liked this response. I actually have a plan B for what's later on but so far I want to enjoy my early years.

 

You can still have fun and lay out a plan. If you lay out a plan now, you will be more successful NOW AND in the future. Your career will also have better staying power. You could get a business degree or go take classes in fashion marketing and you can model and also start to learn about the business to become a talent agent or designer, etc, within 5-10 years. Or you could just learn to manage your career better and get things on your own merits and not need sugar daddies.

[m.d.]

You can still have fun and lay out a plan. If you lay out a plan now, you will be more successful NOW AND in the future. Your career will also have better staying power. You could get a business degree or go take classes in fashion marketing and you can model and also start to learn about the business to become a talent agent or designer, etc, within 5-10 years. Or you could just learn to manage your career better and get things on your own merits and not need sugar daddies.

Maybe I got like a bit overwhelmed with adulthood and the realization that, you know, all I dreamed about as a child is like realistic to get you know.

[bulletproof]

its my flat that my dad bought for me/us

This is a total contradiction. Did he buy it for you alone, or for you and your mother? Whose name is the apartment in? Who is the actual owner? If it's your father, then I would guess he makes the decision about who stays and who goes, not you.

 

It's irrelevant how I make my money, I'm just saying what to do with her, I don't want anybody that's an enemy of me and my goals in my life

 

Actually, it isn't irrelevant. If it's illegal or something your mother doesn't approve of, then I think she has every right to express that while she is still supporting you.

And regarding your other posts; she is not obligated to support you past 18, period. You sound extremely entitled and that is really a horrible way to go through life.

You say you don't want to become independent yet, but you don't want anyone telling you what to do. It doesn't work both ways.

[abitbroken]

Maybe I got like a bit overwhelmed with adulthood and the realization that, you know, all I dreamed about as a child is like realistic to get you know.

 

Its only realistic if you work hard and have some natural talent. That means getting up at 4 am if you have to, being very disciplined, etc, and also being realistic if you are not suited in the end for something. And that means maybe working a part time job doing something else to fill in the gaps so you can pay your gas money to get to jobs, etc, and not rely on sugar daddies.

[m.d.]

Its only realistic if you work hard and have some natural talent. That means getting up at 4 am if you have to, being very disciplined, etc, and also being realistic if you are not suited in the end for something. And that means maybe working a part time job doing something else to fill in the gaps so you can pay your gas money to get to jobs, etc, and not rely on sugar daddies.

I didn't say even 1 thing about how far I got, yet you keep judging me like I'm in a dreamzone, 4 am waking up doesnt frighten me because I've been there done that

 

I have no problem reconciling with her while I'm still under the roof, I just want support for my goals. I know parents who sell houses to move their kids' career forward, I'm not telling her to do that but just care like that - that's unrealistic or too much?

[mhowe]

Yes, it is unrealistic to ask her to support something she doesn't believe in.

 

And any parents who sell their homes or dip into their retirement for their kids --- are not parenting, they are paying. It is unrealistic, too much and unhealthy.

[bulletproof]

...I just want support for my goals. I know parents who sell houses to move their kids' career forward, I'm not telling her to do that but just care like that - that's unrealistic or too much?

 

Yes. Plus, if she doesn't agree with your goals, why would she support them, regardless?

[m.d.]

So what that a lot of people do that? If you bring a human into the world, its kind of partly your responsibility to make it get ahead

[Capricorn3]

So what that a lot of people do that? If you bring a human into the world, its kind of partly your responsibility to make it get ahead

A parent's responsibility is for the first 18 years of life. Are you seriously expecting them to carry you for the rest of your life? At what age does it stop? You still want your mother paying your way when you're 40? 50? When you become an ADULT, it is up to YOU to make a life for yourself. It looks like you're after a free ride for the rest of your life. Sorry, it doesn't work that way.

[Hell_On_Heels]

So what that a lot of people do that? If you bring a human into the world, its kind of partly your responsibility to make it get ahead

 

Your mom has already done her part to help you get ahead. She has provided to the best of her ability. She has given you -

 

A home

Clothing

Food

Medical care

An education

 

Her job was to work herself out of a job. Your job is to take over responsibility for your own life.

 

You can rant, and whine, and complain all you want. The facts remain. You won't be getting a free education from your mom. She's not going to sell off all she owns for you. You can either start doing for yourself, or you can be a loser your whole life crying that you weren't given a chance.

 

No matter how bad you think you've got it, let me explain it very clearly to you. The world doesn't owe you a single thing. If you want a better life, go make one for yourself.

 

You will not understand how empowering that is until you do.

[m.d.]

Have you ever saw any human get ahead totally 100% by himself? Most of my friends get flats for college, emotional, business advice, investmenting in their businesses, whatever

SOME kind of support

[Tanzi]

Well, I'm 21, we have been a normal 2 people family, so its normal for people to live together, no? 21 is not that much, I don't like to take on a whole lot of responsibility + its my flat that my dad bought for me/us so I am absolutely not moving out and if anything its her who will go on to do that

 

She dissaproves of modeling for example which irks me because I should be getting support

 

It's irrelevant how I make my money, I'm just saying what to do with her, I don't want anybody that's an enemy of me and my goals in my life

 

So it isn't YOUR flat then?. It's the family home. The home that your mum has been responsible for and brought you up in. It's more usual, you know, that the children eventually leave the family home than it is for the parents to leave!?!? The mere fact that you suggest she leaves is quite ludicrous.

 

It seems to me that you want to have everything your way. You want to live your life as you see fit and for your mum to accept it (fair enough) ... because you're an adult, right? Yet you still expect your mum to support you financially, because you're only 21 and you don't want a whole load of responsibility!! You can't have it both ways.

 

Your mother has dedicated her life to bringing you up and "working hard for dimes" too. However, now that she can no longer support you in the way you want, ie. financially, you complain that is not a go-getter and not someone you can look up to. She may not be perfect. She may have her funny little quirks but she has looked after you and you should show her a bit more respect than that!

 

As I said, your mother may not be perfect but from the sounds of things, neither of you. You are two adults who are living different lives. If you don't like the way your mother continues to live hers and you don't want her to have any influence on your life, then it is time you take responsibility for yourself and find your own space.

 

I don't want to become independent yet, I have a right to do so, why the hell I'm supposed to be grateful for something that parent is SUPPOSED to do anyway?

 

You don't have a choice. You're an adult, you can't hang off your mum's apron strings forever just because you don't want to be independent. Odd though, because it seems it's OK for you to make the independent choice of modelling and for your mum to butt out then?

 

And yes, you should be very grateful .... and respectful .... and thankful that your mum cares enough about you to worry about your job .... and that she has dedicated her life to bringing you up. And this may come as a shock to you but YOUR MOTHER ISN'T SUPPOSED TO DO ANYTHING NOW THAT YOU ARE 21. You are coming accross as nothing but a spoiled brat now!

[mhowe]

Have you ever saw any human get ahead totally 100% by himself? Most of my friends get flats for college, emotional, business advice, investmenting in their businesses, whatever

SOME kind of support

 

It doesn't matter if your friends get a pony --- you are not entitled to anything from your mother.

[Tanzi]

I dont get the glorification of parenthood in this thread, dont have means to support, dont give birth, its simple

 

When your mother decided to have a baby with the man she loved I don't suppose she foresaw divorce and bringing up the baby alone. Therefore your point above is totally moot ... not to mention, plain disgraceful!

 

You are quite willing to continue to drain your mums resources .. emotionally, physically and financially because you feel it is your entitlement NOT to be independent. What help does your mum have?

 

 

 

How am I treating her?

 

Of course, I want the comfort of getting my things done without having to focus on anything else

while you start fighting for survival, its hard to get out of the treadmill

 

Honey, you have NOOOOO idea what it is like to even be on a treadmill! Your mum is the one on the treadmill ... has been for years .... continuously keeping everything going ... working .... paying the bills ... bringing you up. You wouldn't even know how to begin to fight for survival ... and at your age that is shameful!

[Hell_On_Heels]

Have you ever saw any human get ahead totally 100% by himself? Most of my friends get flats for college, emotional, business advice, investmenting in their businesses, whatever

SOME kind of support

 

Yes. I did it. I was kicked at out age 17. See, my dad raised me my whole life, and he died when I was 16. My mom took me in, and somewhat supported me for a year. She sold off my bedroom furniture and my clothes, and a few months before I turned 18, she threw me out. I had nothing except 4 outfits and a high school diploma.

 

First I got a job, and then I found a room to rent. It took me less than a week to do that. Desperation makes heroes out of us. I didn't have a phone or a car or any luxuries at all. But I had what I needed to survive.

 

From there, I kept working hard, learning everything I could...and I grabbed every opportunity I could find. I went to college after work, one class at a time. I learned that I can survive, I began to respect myself, I realized I am a strong person....the lessons I learned from doing things the hard way can never be taken away from me.

 

Quite simply, I know I can do a lot of things, hard things. So it doesn't frighten me. It doesn't make me dance from happiness when I hit hard times - I do my fair share of ranting and whining, lol. But then I get to work and carve out happiness for myself.

 

You seem stubbornly resistant to taking control of your own life. I don't know why (?)

Don't you believe that you can succeed?

 

I think my mom was wrong to kick me out when she did. Penniless. But she did. That was my reality. Crying about it wasn't going to put a roof over my head or make my life better. Only I could do that. So I put my stubborn on, and showed her how I think life should be lived.

 

Your mom isn't as brutal as mine was. You aren't on the streets. I'm not going to feel sorry for you - what good would that do you? Would it change anything?

 

Instead, I'm telling you very firmly to get a grip on all of this, and go earn whatever it is you want in life. It's hard. But only the hard things give us self-respect and strength. Ultimately, we place the greatest value on the things that were hardest for us.

 

If you want an education, you have options. Get student loans. Get a job with a company that has tuition reimbursement. Apply for scholarships and grants. You have the Internet at your fingertips - use it to find ways to get what you want.

 

Or you can sit in a stew of misery and finger pointing.

 

Your choice.

[m.d.]

When your mother decided to have a baby with the man she loved I don't suppose she foresaw divorce and bringing up the baby alone. Therefore your point above is totally moot ... not to mention, plain disgraceful!

We are not a single family, my dad just works in another country

I don't know people that were kicked out at 18 and thats pathology to me, I dont live in the hood

[abitbroken]

Have you ever saw any human get ahead totally 100% by himself? Most of my friends get flats for college, emotional, business advice, investmenting in their businesses, whatever

SOME kind of support

 

Not everyone gets that. My dad's family had all the kids move out at 18, unless they hadn't graduated high school yet. By the end of the summer after high school, they were moved out with roommates. And what if the parents/parent doesn't make much money? They can't afford to support their kids as ADULTS. Parents give advice to kids sometimes when they have made it a little on their own and because there is RESPECT. And mom can't honestly offer you any advice because you don't respect her advice. You think what you are doing is way better than what she could do and you are taking money from men and not doing things the way she feels is honorable. You can't criticize her and disrespect her than act like you will only respect her if she gives you investment, a house, etc,

[Tanzi]

We are not a single family, my dad just works in another country

I don't know people that were kicked out at 18 and thats pathology to me, I dont live in the hood

 

Firstly you said this in you opening post ...

 

My parents divorced after 10 years of being together, when I was 9 years old... We were very comfortable, then obviously 1 paycheck went out

 

... so now I'm confused!

 

Secondly, I never said ANYTHING about being kicked out ... NOT ANYWHERE. That is how you are choosing to see it because it means you can ignore/avoid the real points we are making. That is just another example of your immature petulance.

[m.d.]

And what if the parents/parent doesn't make much money? They can't afford to support their kids as ADULTS. Parents give advice to kids sometimes when they have made it a little on their own and because there is RESPECT. And mom can't honestly offer you any advice because you don't respect her advice. You think what you are doing is way better than what she could do and you are taking money from men and not doing things the way she feels is honorable. You can't criticize her and disrespect her than act like you will only respect her if she gives you investment, a house, etc,

Why not? I respect advice that gets me ahead

No reason for broke people to have kids

Besides maturity is not a diploma in struggle

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run its course.