My boyfriend and I have very different boundaries - Am I just controlling?

[a800w]

Hello all,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. We are both 20. He is a very loving person with a very big heart and feels very deeply for his friends; I think for that reason, we have very different boundaries.

 

Examples:

 

-He finds acceptable to go to a girl's house and hang out with her one-on-one with no one else there at 10pm and leave at 2am.

-He finds it acceptable to hold hands with another girl as friends.

-He finds it acceptable to have a girl sit on his lap and have her arms around him.

 

I understand that we are all different. I understand that some people are much more open and show much more affection to others than I would. However, as his girlfriend, these things make me feel uncomfortable as I believe they are a little inappropriate; I also feel like the only thing separating me from these other girls is sex, and a slightly deeper emotional intimacy.

 

I have spoken to him about the first and last point (I just found out about the second point yesterday) around 6 months ago and he has "given it up" ever since. However, he doesn't understand that those things may appear inappropriate to some people: he only feels like he has given something up/sacrificed something/changed himself for me.

 

I can't change his views, but he doesn't seem to understand my boundaries. I feel he hold some resentment as he believes he is sacrificing a lot of things for me. Can anyone help me through this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

[Iggles]

No, you're not controlling. You two just have different boundaries. Neither of you are wrong per se. You're just incompatible.

 

His different boundaries will bleed over to other areas of your relationship too, and you will have conflicts constantly crop up as you go.

 

Personally, it's not worth it. It feels so much better to be on the same page with your SO about this kind of stuff. It's way more stressful if you don't have to "explain" why something with the opposite sex is unacceptable for you.

 

Now, it IS controlling to insist he do things your way. He'll go along with it for a time because he likes you. But eventually resentment will grow and with his ideas of "friendship" something will happen that will hurt you. Whether he does it on purpose or not. You'll lose trust in him, and the cycle continues with fighting until he breaks up with you OR until he cheats on you with a friend and then breaks up with you.

 

(Note: Imagine him discussing his relationship problems with his friends. They will all shake their heads in disbelief and swear that YOU are the crazy one. They'll tell him he's no fun since he started dating you, and from their perspective it will be true. His friends will reinforce all the things you argue with him about because we all choose friends who think like us.)

 

-He finds acceptable to go to a girl's house and hang out with her one-on-one with no one else there at 10pm and leave at 2am.

-He finds it acceptable to hold hands with another girl as friends.

-He finds it acceptable to have a girl sit on his lap and have her arms around him.

 

^^ These would ALL be deal breakers for me. So again, I don't think you're wrong.

 

I think trying to fit a square peg into a round hole is ripe for frustration. It is similar to if the person you're with doesn't get your humor -- they fundamentally do not get you. I couldn't handle not being understood by my SO!

[NIN2000]

You are not controlling but smart and you have integrity. Everything you brought up is legit and the fact that he feels he is sacrificing a lot of things for you sounds selfish.

 

In relationships both parties give and take but there is a fine line of respect and what he is doing is not respectful.

 

Do not compromise who you are and if he doesn't like it then he can take a hike. He is not the last guy on the planet.

[PaintWithLight]

It is not different boundaries I fear. I think he is doing this crap because he feels he can. He likes the emotional connection with you but wants to behave as a single guy as well. He feels he is in the driver's seat and you can like it or lump it.

 

Do these other girls know you? Have you been introduced to them? I cannot believe that they are okay behaving like this with a guy who has a girlfriend.....i mean seriously, sitting on his lap??

 

I am not buying that he is just a big heart guy who feels so much for his friends. Does he hold hands with his guy friends? Why can't he hang out with the boys instead chilling at a girl's house? This guy is a liar and self obsessed. He loves how he is getting sex from you while still crossing the line with other women. He has to know this is wrong. Is he from another country? another planet?

[ThatwasThen]

What he WAS doing was totally disrespectful to you and your exclusive relationship in general. No you are not being controlling and don't let him make you think that you are. If he is so resentful then it would be better for the two of you to break up if wants to act single while being in a relationship. If sex is the only thing that makes you SIGNIGICANT in being his significant other, then you're hardly special.

 

If acting single is more important to him then being in a committed relationship where he gives up the things he was doing willingly, because he realizes its disrespectful and threatening, then maybe he isn't ready to be in anything committed and exclusive. The very fact that he resents having to stop being disrespectful and inappropriate would be a red flag to me that he's not mature enough to maintain an exclusive relationship.

 

Have you ever asked him how he would like you hanging out one on one and sitting on another guys lap, holding hands while you do date like activities with would make him feel? Would he feel disrespected? Would he feel embarrassed to have you seen by his friends with another guy in that manner? Would he like you coming home from another mans home at 2 after spending alone time with him? Would he like you not being with him while you're with someone else doing all the things you two do but screw? If he would be fine with that then you two are totally non-compatible and he's, like I said not ready to be in anything committed.

 

It is not different boundaries I fear. I think he is doing this crap because he feels he can. He likes the emotional connection with you but wants to behave as a single guy as well. He feels he is in the driver's seat and you can like it or lump it.

 

No.. she's told him she doesn't want him doing it and he has stopped doing it but now he resents her.

 

Good on you for having good personal boundaries, Op. Now, don't feel guilty for having them because if you two are not on the same page then you're far better off finding that out now rather then continue on while resenting one another.

[PaintWithLight]

No.. she's told him she doesn't want him doing it and he has stopped doing it but now he resents her.

 

I am doubtful that he has truly stopped completely. If he is resentful and feels he is missing out, he might only find something else to replace those thrills. "Hey, you never said that I couldn't go lingerie shopping with them....."

[ThatwasThen]

I am doubtful that he has truly stopped completely. If he is resentful and feels he is missing out, he might only find something else to replace those thrills. "Hey, you never said that I couldn't go lingerie shopping with them....."

 

lol... well, that's a possibility but she doesn't mention that he's not spending time with her to still be with his cuddly (and dumb as a stump) female friends.

[Ms Darcy]

The fact that he resents being respectful to your relationship is a great big red flag.

[ParisPaulette]

No, these are not acceptable boundaries for someone who claims to be in a committed relationship with you. Unless you both do it with your opposite sex friends and each of you are fine on it. That means you go to your guy friends' houses until 2:00 a.m. with no one else around, you sit in their laps, you hold their hands, you do all this openly in front of your boyfriend.

 

At that moment it's called equal rules for both parties and acceptable boundaries for both parties. I'm a huge one for equality.

 

Anything else is just freeze-dried BS with him cheating on you openly and hiding it in plain sight. Sorry, but you aren't controlling. You're just foolish to stay with a man who so openly disrespects you and the relationship he claims you have. He wants a harem, not a monogamous relationship. You need to learn to tell the difference and not be so gullible. There are people in the world who will steal things from you and then justify it--they'll have all manner of reasons why taking your car, your cash, your clothes are acceptable. There are people in the world who will hurt and kill others and again they'll have all manner of excuses and "reasons" why this is okay for them to do to others or you. And the list goes on with example after example, but I think you get the point. And none of those "reasons" or "excuses" make it any less than what it is--they are deliberately hurting you and trying to claim it's okay to do so, because it's okay by them and their Fed up standards.

 

You can either let yourself be gaslighted into believing them and accepting other people's "standards" such as they are OR you can apply equality, fairness and respect to your relationships and that means you demand it just as much as you give it. And if you don't get it you walk. You know this guy is snowing you, but for some reason you'd rather shout yourself down than him or remove yourself from a relationship that must be so full of pain by now i really have to wonder why you haven't walked. And don't say it's "Love" because real love doesn't become confused with pain and disrespect. It's something else and you need to figure out what that something else is (fear of the unknown, a need for drama, you wanting to cling to a fantasy, whatever) and then kick it into the trash where it belongs. Him too while you're at it.

[a800w]

Have you ever asked him how he would like you hanging out one on one and sitting on another guys lap, holding hands while you do date like activities with would make him feel? Would he feel disrespected? Would he feel embarrassed to have you seen by his friends with another guy in that manner? Would he like you coming home from another mans home at 2 after spending alone time with him? Would he like you not being with him while you're with someone else doing all the things you two do but screw? If he would be fine with that then you two are totally non-compatible and he's, like I said not ready to be in anything committed.

 

Thank you so so incredibly much for your reply.

I have asked him how he would feel if I did those things to one of my guy friends; he is perfectly okay with me doing those things, and that's why I feel that we have different boundaries. I agree with you. We are not on the same page about things and may have irreconcilable differences.

[a800w]

I am doubtful that he has truly stopped completely. If he is resentful and feels he is missing out, he might only find something else to replace those thrills. "Hey, you never said that I couldn't go lingerie shopping with them....."

 

Thank you for your input!

And I really agree with you about how he would replace his thrills. I don't really know what else he considers okay to do with other girls that I see as inappropriate/crossing the line. I've never even thought that I had to lay out boundaries such as "I am not comfortable with you going lingerie shopping with another girl" because to me, I thought it was obviously inappropriate. He may have actually done so, thinking its "perfectly okay as friends". I mean, do I have to make a list of everything in the entire world that I feel is crossing the line?

[ThatwasThen]

I mean, do I have to make a list of everything in the entire world that I feel is crossing the line?

I would think that "doing one-on-one date like things with a member of the opposite sex is a very fundamental boundary cross to me and just about anyone who is in a committed relationship" would cover lingerie shopping as a no no as well as just about anything else anyone can conjecture up.

[a800w]

He also does jokingly hold hands and give bear hugs with his guy friends and lets them sit in his lap just to be funny. It doesn't quite seem as jokingly when a girl is doing it to him though. He will very obviously make it overly-dramatic and sarcastic with guy friends, but with another girl, he doesn't do that. So, I'm not too sure what to think.

[IAmFCA]

My intuition: your bf has some deeply seated issues such that he not interested in respecting

[Snny]

-He finds acceptable to go to a girl's house and hang out with her one-on-one with no one else there at 10pm and leave at 2am.

-He finds it acceptable to hold hands with another girl as friends.

-He finds it acceptable to have a girl sit on his lap and have her arms around him.

Your boyfriend is incredibly immature, very young, disrespectful, and has a lot of growing up to do. If he were a serious boyfriend, these would not be acceptable. he wants to have fun and not be in a serious relationship.

 

If you want a serious boyfriend, this guy is not a good choice and it is best to break it off. He refuses to meet your relationship expectations and levels of respect.

[fwdthinker]

Nine times out of ten -- if a fairly mature person is feeling confused and disrespected... It's because someone is exhibiting confusing and disrespectful behaviour towards them. You sound very level headed and mature about this. He may behave this way in a child like fashion with his bros... But "hanging out" with a female friend til 2am? You're not invited, too? Holding hands? Letting girls sit in his lap? Is he a toddler? (He is probably initiating that BTW aince most adult women rarely do that with anyone)..Since we know he ISNT a toddler and is instead a grown man with a girlfriend, it's pretty obvious he isn't interested in maintaining that role because no self respecting woman would think that was cool. It's a lot of hooey. Distance yourself and when you are ready--plug the plug. Find a man who has that big heart focused on you and your mutual happiness.

[a800w]

The fact that he resents being respectful to your relationship is a great big red flag.

 

I think the main issue is that he doesn't consider what he does as disrespectful because he would be fine with me doing all of that stuff (or so he says). So, he only sees it as his girlfriend asking him to give up spending quality, innocent time with friends.

 

A friend of mine suggested that I start doing those things with my guy friends, just so that he realizes how it feels since he may not realize that he's actually not okay with me doing stuff like that. But, I don't want a manipulative relationship with games and lies.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree, playing games usually ends up as a disaster when the other person doesn't react as you hope.