Does your bf/gf go to bars or clubs with friends?

[xmrth]

I'm curious as to how many people's boyfriends or girlfriends go out with their friends to clubs or to bars.

 

Soon my boyfriend will be 21 and I know he'll at least be going to bars. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.

But I'm wondering if anyone's S.O. goes to these kinds of places with friends, or if there's any way to get accross that you're not happy with it.

I know I wont be happy with it.. I have trust but I am very paranoid of everything. Just the whole being drunk out with friends and other females around.. also drunk.

 

I know if I talked to him about it he'd go once in a while, but he'd still be going. And one day I will be going too, so maybe he'll be worried about the same thing, even though he has nothing to worry about.

[sisterlynch]

You just need to talk about the fears of him getting hurt or being hurt by becoming part of the club seen. Make it sound sort of disrepectful to go on his own too much. Once in a while is ok, tho...

[ShuShu Fontana]

"I have trust but I am very paranoid of everything."

 

That "but" negated everything before it.

 

My boyfriend goes out with his friends and I go out with mine, and we go out together. You have to have a life outside of your relationship. It doesn't help you that you're only 19 and can't go with him.

Now if he starts going out five nigts a week without you I would be concerned and voice my opinion on it. But he hasm't even gone yet. Wait and see what happens and stop worrying before there is anything to worry about.

[annie24]

Yeah, I've had bfs who've gone to clubs without me sometimes. If he wants to hang out with his friends, let him. You don't want to be a controlling shrew. If you've got the kind of guy who cheats, he'll do so regardless if he's going to clubs or not. Ditto for a faithful guy. I don't know if this actually makes you feel better.

 

Get a really good fake ID, or use a 21-year old friend's ID who looks like you. I think half the people at some bars are 19 anyways. That way, you can go out with them to the bars occasionally.

[Iceman26]

I didn't really mind a girlfriend of mine going out to a bar or club every once in a while, but if it was a frequent thing, then I simply wouldn't date them anymore. I have had a lot of bad experiences with girls that are clubbers or barflies. Like you, I dont trust other men and I dont trust alcohol, thats a recipe for disaster.

 

Be supportive to a certain extent. If he wants to go out with his friends to clubs and bars, then fine, you are going out and party with your girlfriends too.

 

Make sure he calls you when he gets home so that you know he is ok and you wont worry as much.

 

If he is at the bar every weekend, then you should have a talk with him.

[EYESWIDESHUT]

I go to the bar without my b/f....but I know that I won't cheat, and he trusts me. We were out on saturday and he didn't like the way i was dancing with other guys, but he didn't get all pissed, he just stated the fact that he felt the way i was dancing was inappropriate, and then we dicussed it when i was sober. Now I know that he doesn't like that, i can still dance with other guys, just not alot of contact, so i won't do it again. I care for him alot, so I make sure that the things that i do when he isn't there are the same as the things that i do if he is there. If you don't like something that is going on (how often he is going, or things that you have heard that he does) then talk calmly to him about it. don't accuse, or yell, it gets you no where, and don't make rules! then he may lie to you about where he is going. You want him to be able to tell you the truth without being afraid of making you mad. Just let him know how you feel, that you don't worry about him, you worry about the other women there trying to pick him up....ect.....if he respects your opinion then he will probably make sure not to do things that may upset you.

[Day_Walker]

It seems like you are the one with the problem, if he is going to go to bars with his friends then thats what he is going to do. Why you want to make him do something that you dont want to do? You even claim that when you turn 21 that you will be going to bars with ur friends. You dont make any sense and you may say that you trust ur bf but you dont. If there is a reason for your paranoia (aka he has cheated on u) then that is something that you two need to resolve. From the looks of it this just seems to be a trust issue, you cannot control his actions if something ends up happening while he is out then its going to happen and its completely out of the realm of ur control. This is why trust is such a big thing in a relationship.

[Iceman26]

Eyeswideshut, out of curiosity why would you have a serious boyfriend and then want to dance with some strange guy? Maybe you can tell me why girls with boyfriends do that.

 

I can understand it when a girl in a committed relationship dances by herself or with her girlfriends, because she is having fun, but I dont get it when they dance with other guys. I mean, you know the other guy wants more then to dance, he is there to get some, so why encourage him if you are committed, right?

 

Does your boyfriend dance with other girls?

[Caldus]

Get a really good fake ID, or use a 21-year old friend's ID who looks like you. I think half the people at some bars are 19 anyways. That way, you can go out with them to the bars occasionally.

 

I would not advise going to a bar underage in the first place. I had a friend who tried this a while back and got into some major trouble. But it's up to the original poster. I would never take such a risk.

 

I agree with ShuShu Fontana and Day_Walker. You two have lives outside of the relationship. He is just enjoying his life outside of the relationship and he's probably thinking you're going to do the same thing. So whenever he goes to bars just hang out with your friends for a while. Day_Walker makes a good point. If you're so paranoid about him then there's a trust issue that needs to be resolved in the relationship. That is something you two are going to have to discuss.

[OceanEyes]

I would actually encourage my man to go out by himself with friends. No big deal. I trust him, and I also like to have time to myself. I don't always want to be living in his shadow. or vice versa. Plus, if I wanted to go out with my girlfriends alone, I wouldn't want to feel like he was jealous or sitting at home getting angrier every minute later I was out. I'm certainly not going out to pick up other guys, but I really DO feel that some time away from him with the girls is a pretty necessary thing for me.

 

Eyeswideshut, out of curiosity why would you have a serious boyfriend and then want to dance with some strange guy? Maybe you can tell me why girls with boyfriends do that.

 

I think it depends on how you're dancing. I don't think that I would ever start grinding with another guy if my man was - or wasn't there. I don't think that it's appropriate to dance in a sexual way with someone else if you're in a relationship. Of course, this is just my opinion. I look at it this way: if I saw my boyfriend with some girl rubbing herself on him and him reciprocating, I would probably lose it! lol

 

However, when I go out with some of my girlfriends and their boyfriends are actually there, I've seen them flirt and dance with other guys, sit on their laps playfully, etc. Some of them don't see anything wrong with it, but some really do.

[DragonGirl724]

ok this was a slight issue i had w/ my ex. it took me losing him to relize that both parts in a relationship need their own life. it was what we fought about mostly towards the end of our relationship. & i know u want to spend every minute w/ him, but your bound to get your heartbroken if you dont cooperate w/ his needs as a 21 yr old guy. if there is a trust/insecurity issue you HAVE to talk to him about it. but being young he has a zest for being carefree & spontaneous w/ his buddies. talk it out w/ him. i know now that if i had a BF at this pt in my life id be out all the time still w/ my buddies b/c i am 21 & i love it. i shoulda realized earlier, but i guess some learn the hard way....

 

good luck & work out any trust & insecurity issues you have & when he goes out w/ HIS buds YOU go out with YOURS!

 

-DG724

[hockeyboy]

Eyeswideshut, out of curiosity why would you have a serious boyfriend and then want to dance with some strange guy? Maybe you can tell me why girls with boyfriends do that.

 

i was wondering the same thing. and..on the other side i why do guys with gfs go to strip clubs to get lap dances? espeacially if they know it will upset their gf.

 

it obviously depends on the person. i had a gf who liked going to the strip clubs...but most girls would hate it if i went. im not a big fan of em..but going with your gf is fun, i have to admit.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I'm with Hockyboy and Iceman, why do women do that? I know for a fact that some (and I repeat, SOME, not all) women do this kind of thing to test their boyfriends to see how they react. I know, I've had a few girlfriends tell me exactly that after they got my reaction after watching them dance suggestively with some other guy, which BTW, was to tell them that I thought it was a little disrespectful to me, but doing that is her choice not mine. I'm her boyfriend, not her warden. Honestly, I don't care if my girlfriend dances with someone else as long as she has fun, but there are limits. lol

 

It's a Catch 22 though, if you act concerned (not jealous, but concerned) they sometimes offence, but if you don't act like you care then they still might take offense because they think you don't care. Really it all depends on the person you're dating, but since it's happened to me on more than a few occasions, never more than once with a single girlfriend, it makes me wonder...

[DragonGirl724]

i dont see a problem if a woman goes out & dances w/ a guy. if its innocent dancing. unless its gross grinding! if a chick cant dance she shouldnt. lol

 

i know id be pissssed if i saw my man grinding sum chick! a guy has a right to be pissed if he sees his girl grinding another guy. but for those girls who CAN DANCE & DO DANCE & not grind, there isnt anything sexually driven or wrong with simply dancing.

 

-DG724

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I completely agree with you. There is nothing wrong with your signifcation other dancing with someone else. There does have to be limits though, like you said. Grinding, etc with someone else on the dance floor is not cool if you're in a comitted relationship. Me, the worst was when my girlfriend at the time was dancing with this guy in the bar in a manner that, lets just say, belonged in a very racy video. I told her how it made me feel and that I thought it was disrespectful. She told me she didn't think she was doing anything wrong.

 

I didn't see anything wrong with breaking up with her on the spot after hearing that. She was upset then, but she openned my eyes to what I was getting myself into. She might have been trying to test me, I don't know, but she went too far. Even though she was easily the most attractive woman I've ever dated and she had a wonderful personality (very friendly.. obviously, lol), I still don't have any regrets about leaving the way I did.

[ReadyorNot]

My bf never did go to bars with friends and neither did I... When we first met we went alot together.... for the past two months he has gone a bunch of times with a buddy and I am NOT ALLOWED!!! I was invited in teh very beginning.. like the first time when there was a bunch of people...

 

MAKES ME SO UPSET!!

[Iceman26]

Well you need to put a stop to that! If he goes, you should be able to go!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Do you mean not allowed to go with him or do you mean he's allowed to go out, but you're not?

 

If it's the second I can see why you're upset. You have a perfect right to be. Double standards suck and aren't fair.

 

If it's the first, maybe he just wants to hang with his bud and have some time away. It's not a bad thing to do activities separately once and a while.

[diverp]

My girlfriend (I am popping the question to her in a couple of weeks by the way) has her group of girl friends (4 or 5 of them) and about once every 3 or 4 weeks they may have a Friday night in which they will go to a local grill or something for a couple of drinks. I actually encourage her to do that. It is important to me that she still can go out with her friends and have a fun couple of hours. I trust her and know that there is nothing to worry about and that she is getting a chance to blow off a bit of steam from the week. On those nights, I just arrange a boys night out for some pool or something when she has her nights out. It works out pretty well.

[Iceman26]

Thats cool diverp, I think its perfectly fine for a girl to go out with her girlfriends for a drink or out to the club every once in a while, and you do your own thing with your friends. That makes a good relationship because you both have your own friends you hang out with.

[ReadyorNot]

He is doing this whole "I can do WHATEVER I want without you and you cant stop me" thing... I completely understand he can do whatever he wants and honestly I have never stood in his way... they just never went to bars.... but now he has these two new friends who regularly go to the bars....

 

I am not allowed to join him and his friends.. the few times it has apparently been about 10 guys.. thats fine whatever.. but the rest of the time its just HIM and ONE other guy.. .and this other guy doesnt even have a single drink.. he drinks pop!! He always tells me to go out and have fun whatever... he says he wouldnt care.... Im getting so upset... its like "are you hiding something from me???".. he says he just enjoys his time out without me... and he likes to hang out with just teh guys sometimes... but he is going with just one other guy so I dont get it...

 

The first time they went out with a big group (girls too) and I was invited.. and I wasnt sure if I should go since we were going to teh beach the next day and I didnt want a hangover....

 

He decided for New Years we would go out with this guy frined of his to a bar to play pool.. I always bug him to take me to play pool and he wont do that either.. cause he goes with his guy friends and any other time he doesnt feel like it... I was like "You wont take me any other time in the year so I am not going tonight"... he told his friend that I wanted to go to Toronto to visit a friend and he didnt want me driving alone....so he came with me...

[xmrth]

In response to some commenters:

 

First of all, no matter what, if I have doubts it's going to be considered a "trust issue."

I really do trust him, but it's that whole "what if" sort of thing. I read posts on here alot where guys cheat on their girlfriends and they didn't see it coming, and had no idea. I'm just paranoid with "what if" it happened.

 

I don't know about the whole dancing with other girls/guys when you are dating.. I could never do that because I'm not like that, and I don't think it's right. It's like flirting in my eyes, and by dancing it's almost a way to make it "okay."

 

One thing that works out about him going out drinking with his guyfriends is that he calls me when he gets home (yes, at 2:00AM-3:00AM) and I never even asked him to. But it's cute and he's cute/funny on the phone when he's drunk (I don't know if that's sad or not, haha..) Plus I know he's home okay if he calls. If he goes to bars I am expecting the same thing to happen most of the times at least. I'm more afraid of it being a weekly thing. I'm hoping he never goes to clubs... but it's more of an option once he's 21. He never dances though, not even at a Halloween party we went to so I hope that's a reason to keep him off the dancefloor unless I'm there.

 

To the comment above mine, he is a little bit the same way as yours sounds. He'll tell me to go out and do whatever I want and he doesn't care. I do not understand why he'd say that, and I hope someone will clarify why he would say to do whatever I want.

He doesn't invite me out with his friends, too but he already explained why and it's because he doesn't like it when people bring their girls.. but they do so why can't he?

I suppose it's more so that he has time alone with the guys.. but at least once in a while. Because out of the 5 years of dating him, I've only hung out with him and his friends twice. But I'll call him, someone will ask him who it is, he'll say it's his girlfriend, he wont shy away from saying "I love you too" which he almost never ever says.. so I guess there's no problems. He just likes time with them away from me. Maybe that's how your boyfriend is, too, even if it's with just one person.

[ReadyorNot]

If other guys brought their gfs Im sure I would be invited... thats probably why I was invited that one night because a big group of guys and girls were going.... its just so annoying...

 

I trust him... but I am paranoid that he doesnt want me coming so he can just check out girls and maybe strike up a conversation with a girl.... HE KNOWS I would have something to say if I saw him checking out girls... luckily he really doesnt do that in front of me... I see him glance at girls when we are at the mall or something but its just a one second glance...

 

I have this huge feeling that my bf WOULD have something to say if I actually WAS going to the bars with my girlfriends... Seriously.. I dont think bars are ANY place for non-single people unless they go as couples in a group of couples... AM I wrong to say that??? A bunch of guys going to play pool is fine, but staying till 2 in the morning and getting loaded is a different story... He says for me to gather up some friends and go (not the same place as him Im guessing) and go have fun... but if I was doing what he was doing I KNOW it would bother him..... How dare him not be sympathetic to my feelings.... Its a new thing to him and I guess he likes it.. when I mention it he just yells at me that I am suppose to trust him and if I cant trust him I should break up with him

 

Sometimes I wonder though.. We basically became friends with this guy my bf goes to the bars with at the same time... I met him through my bf, but we always all hung out together... he would come with us to the drag races when my bf would race and this guy would take me in his car because my bf would take the seats out and him and his gf came with us to this car thing 6 hours away.. he hugs me and is supernice... This guys gf broke up with him leaving him suicidal.... he came with us to the beach one time and all of a sudden he said he was sorry and that he had to go home... I never spoke to him again.. He said something about me not coming ot the bars the night before and I promised him I would come next time and he said great....

 

Is my bf just protecting his friend from getting all depressed when I am around.... I mean.. He is still not over his ex (the guy, not my bf) so maybe seeing me and my bf together makes it worse and thats why I am not allowed out with them???

[OceanEyes]

To be honest, I would be a little weirded out if my boyfriend went out all the time and absolutely NEVER invited me. My feelings would probably be a bit hurt also.

 

I dont think bars are ANY place for non-single people unless they go as couples in a group of couples... AM I wrong to say that???

 

Since you feel that it's wrong, then no, it's not wrong to say so. There are obviously reasons why you believe that it's not appropriate for people in relationships to go to bars unless with other couples.

 

Normal bars don't bother me. Strip clubs do bother me. I've had a lot of guy friends in my day, have been "one of the boys" for even longer, so I know what goes on there, and what doesn't go on. THESE are not appropriate places for men/ women in relationships (in my opinion). Anyhow, that's a whole different discussion.

 

I think what it comes down to is how much you trust your boyfriend. If you have issues with him going out to bars without you, then there can't be much trust (however you look at it). True, it might just be the fact that he doesn't invite you, but you probably still have the "what ifs" in the back of your mind (understandably).

 

Something that you man might be worried about, is you getting jealous/ catty if he pays any little bit of attention to another girl. Whenever I've gone out to bars with my guy friends, I get constant dirty looks from the women who are there with their husbands/ boyfriends. They even give me attitude when I pass them on the way to the washroom sometimes! I am just saying, that THIS may be a reason that some men prefer to just have 'boys nights'.

[DragonGirl724]

u have to let him have his alone time. as do you. end of story. it sucks but its something that has to be done! otherwise he will spite you for it. i know i had a guy friend that had a GF & my guy friend wasnt allowed to attend my house parties b/c im a chick & the GF couldnt come b/c of her parents strict curfews, so she gave my guy friend crap for coming so he missed out on a lot of kick*** houseparties i threw. sucks. but hes young nows the time for him to live his life.

 

maybe you guys have issues beyond this, thats making you scared youre losing him? save yourself the grief & talk it out & if he has no intentions of leaving you then you have to suck it up & allow him to have his freedom out of respect.

 

-DG724