Moving forward

[pfbsurf]

OK, so I think at this point my posts on the forum have run their course. Things are still in flux, but given where I was emotionally a few months ago (and longer), i have to be happy about my situation.

 

For now, my focus needs to still be on myself, my kids and my job. My "ex" - is still on my mind constantly, because we have gotten together twice in the last few weeks, had a blast, and had some conversations about our relationship - past and future. We will likely start to be just friends - she wants to date others and i suppose I do too. In any event, i'm trying hard not to care too much, and for the most part, i'm succeeding. I still love her, and she still has strong feelings for me, but its just not in the cards. Pangs of jealousy and a bit of anger still come around, but for the most part, i'm grateful and happy to have been with her...

 

I'm still very concerned about sliding into depression and drinking - yesterday was my birthday. I took my kids to dinner, but afterwards went home and finiished a bottle of wine (after a whiskey at a local bar). Got pretty drunk and felt like crap this AM. Slept til 10, and could feel that hung over depressed feeling very acutely.

 

Of course, this was accompanied by thoughts of S. How much fun we had the other day (horseback riding/winery) - how we both know that we aren't exclusive any more. How she is looking for her perfect guy - which i am not. I'm ok with that. Even just the facts that i live an hour away and have three kids (and a hefty child support number) are enough to keep me off of her list. And she is also maybe not the ideal match for me - although as of now, i suppose i could make the case, if somehow she fell madly in love with me.

 

So rule # 1 - DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY - in fact, if i were to take it personally, i should feel very good about it. She's beautiful, fun, and picky. She "picked" me. For a time. She definitely finds me attractive and fun and easy to be with. I"m just not her perfect guy.

 

Rule #2 - FORGET ABOUT SERIOUS DATING FOR NOW - take some time off, and maybe start to date in a week or two. Focus on myself, on the kids, on surfing, on drawing, on my apartment, and above all,

 

Rule # 3 - FOCUS ON WORK - I have both a huge need and a huge opportunity. My income can increase by 20% a year for the next few years, if i focus an work hard/smart. I don't need to list out why this is so important, but it is. However. A busy and varied work schedule also gives me fulfilment that I have really lacked. For the last several years, i've just floated through work, unfocused and undisciplined. I'll never be RC, but I am more focused and interested in my job right now than i have been in a long time. This will lead to more success - more money and more interest. A nice cycle.

 

Misc - keep working out, try and get a good nights sleep, eat right etc etc.

 

I am much happier today than i have been in many months. Not much has changed really, but i am proud of the fact that I pulled out of the depression i was in, proud that i am able to keep my wits about me with Steph, that i"ve been there for the boys, and that i've figured out how to keep busy at work... All on my own.

[pfbsurf]

Now, well, i guess it is truly over.

 

Went rollerskating last night with S and friends. Once again, had a great time. Not much has changed. We connect and yet we don't.

 

We sat in my car after, before she drove home, and talked.

 

I tried to listen, tried not to talk. She said she was an "idiot" more than once. I asked her what she meant. She paused. I listened. She wanted to say something i think, but just said she took me for granted. I knew what she meant. She cheated. She lied. How much? Probably not much but who knows. She feels badly, but i suppose that means nothing.

 

I'm sad, still a bit angry, but all of this seems to be making more sense now. There is no way I would ever be mad at her forever. She wants "it all" and I guess is just going back to square one - dating, being single, living her life.

 

I'm going back to mine now too. I am going to miss her. I'll be fine.

 

I have 12 stitches to commemorate this day. Surfing injury, "final" meeting.

 

Of course, she did say she'd love to go skating once a month.

 

Bye Steph.

[pfbsurf]

Trying to be very, very objective about this.

 

What is it that I want now? Still, more closure? More understanding?

 

I will never get to the bottom of all of this - but I can have gratitude about the relationship. I can also carry some anger, a bit, to keep myself from getting to misty eyed. She admitted she was "an idiot". She never said (ok, once, after I did) that she "loved" me. I said it three or four times, but never as an undying love thing, more of an exasperated, what can i do, ily.

 

There is NO doubt in my mind that she loves me in her own way, that I was incredibly important to her. So please, Paul, be happy with that. Stop looking for more - stop getting sucked into a romantic fantasy.

 

Go back to the basics. Stop talking, sosuave forum, redpill. I will never hate her, but she made some awful mistakes and i was on the recieving end.

 

Now, move forward, day by day. Appreciate, but don't put her back on that pedestal.

 

Don't take it too personally, but also don't discount the fact that we came pretty close to the real thing, a connection that was real, if only for a little while.

[pfbsurf]

Monday. Rough weekend. Drinking too much.

 

Back to being depressed. Seeing her has been very nice, we even talked - she said she was an idiot for taking me for granted. Doesn't really help.

 

I know she is dating, and that she is happy to be meeting other guys. Its fun for her. Its interesting. She loves the attention, the chase.

 

She loves the ideal of the perfect guy out there. A few weeks in, maybe not so much. But anyway, i have said that I want her to be happy, and I do. I also want to be happy- and right now, i'm not.

 

Life is dragging on a bit -the days are hard to fill. This is the depression of course, but it is also my personality.

 

I may never change -never be able to live with someone else.

 

It never would have lasted with Stephanie. Right now i'm clinging on to the hope that we see each other once in a while - on her terms. Dinner, sex, laughter another goodbye. Sad.

 

i need to get on with my life.

[pfbsurf]

Tuesday.

 

Still struggling. Slept late again.

 

When i was dating her - it was stressful, but there was always something to look forward to. Toward the end, the suspicion and snooping got to be too much. there was no way that I could break that habit without leaving. Despite all of my second thoughts - it was the right thing to do.

 

Eventually, she would have crushed me. Cheated when we were more "committed" if we ever got that far. She always thougth she could do better, still does. We are not super compatible, we just had a lot of fun together and I made it pretty easy. I was a good boyfriend.

 

Now, it is still about being lonely, being tired and a bit scared of getting older. It is about whether life has a point, whether I can be "happy". If she popped back into my life, not much would change, i would still wonder where she was on the weekend, who she was texting, why she wasn't calling. We'd have fun together, and then we'd go back to our lives. Not the best formula for a relationship.

[pfbsurf]

Me again...

 

I guess if i'm journaling i'm obsessing.

 

I need to grow up. I need to do my taxes, to get up early, to work out, to eat right, to focus on my kids, then myself.

 

I need to clean my apartment and keep it clean. I need to not worry about whether I'll be happy or meet someone or why Steph decided to cheat and lie.

 

I have concluded that i'll never really be happy, maybe i've never been happy. That love = weakness = addiction.

 

i am at a low point in my recent development right now. I was doing much better before...

[pfbsurf]

ok - random stream of consciousness 5 beer thoughts...

 

I was either going to pull you into my life or you were going to pull me into yours. Neither was really ever possible.

 

So what then?

 

I can sort of understand and let go now. Maybe.

 

Remember, don't take any of this personally (I say to me)

 

Life is too short for anger and bitterness, I believe that, especially towards those who we claim to love. We are all human. You made mistakes. You admit it. You were an idiot you say. I am not happy on any level about it, but what can I do now?

 

If I wanted to draw you, I would have. I never did, at least in person. Maybe you were too pretty or too charming or whatever. Anyway, we met our match in some ways. It always made sense at night or one on one. then the sun came up.

 

I'm halfway or so through this journey. you've enriched it. Selfish I know, but that is what I am taking away from all of this.

[JA0371]

Reading your thread. Keep writing. It helps. It's better to obsess here than to our exes. I just started a journal here and I figure I'll journal till Im sick of reading my own writing...or Im simply over it. Either way...it's healthier here,than with them. They don't deserve to hear of our pain.

[pfbsurf]

Reading your thread. Keep writing. It helps. It's better to obsess here than to our exes. I just started a journal here and I figure I'll journal till Im sick of reading my own writing...or Im simply over it. Either way...it's healthier here,than with them. They don't deserve to hear of our pain.

 

Thanks

 

Re reading my own words is not easy. it is repetitive and a bit pathetic. But so much better than even a short text to her...

 

But it helps to get some feedback..

[pfbsurf]

The one and only thing I NEED to do every day is just get up and get out. I am sliding into the bad habit of going to bed late (drinking) and sleeping late.

 

Got up relatively early this AM - showered and out the door. Felt better than the last couple of mornings. My negative thought patterns in bed in the AM are not good.

 

I so want to have a normal night's sleep. I started getting to that after a couple of months of limited/no contact, started moving on. Then labor day and my birthday happened.

 

I've been obsessing about the likelihood that she is dating someone - the t shirt and extra tooth brush (she said it was her shirt and the toothbrush (which i didn't even ask about) was for her mouthguard (?) its not like we are dating, so why do I care? We slept together that weekend - did she have someone over the night before? Ugh.

 

I really need that memory erasing pill right now.

[pfbsurf]

just saw my therapist. First visit in 5 weeks. Filled him in on everything.

 

He thinks it is good that I reconnected with ex - but that I should now use this as an opportunity to end it for good... Go out on a relatively high note.

 

He's right.

 

Sad

[pfbsurf]

Just unfriended her on facebook.

 

it sounds so silly, but it seems like a big deal right now. Sort of final, but also passive aggressive? Don't know if I should call text or do nothing. I am so desperate to move on, but my mind is full of memories. Feels like I have not progressed at all.

 

I have so much I need to focus on, worry about. Work, my kids, my happiness. These are things that matter. I am so unhappy and confused. She was an escape from all of that. We NEVER would have lasted. another few months together would have been very hard. We are so different.

 

I just want to get through the day, the week, the nights, mostly happy and content. I don't think I'm asking much.

[pfbsurf]

Wow. What an awful week emotionally. just not getting easier right now.

 

i would guess that the drinking is making the depression much worse. But its also 1 week of real NC. Just hope this is not going to continue this way...

 

I MUST relax and focus on work and the kids and not drink.

 

Challenge my assumptions. Not give in to the negativity that consumes my thougths.

[pfbsurf]

Tough weekend. Just sort of floated around, drank and slept. Feeling very sorry for myself and unmotivated.

 

A bit better this AM - had a meeting at work and an ok nights sleep. Dropped son off at school.

 

I am placing faith in the notion that time and NC will make all of this easier. I can pat myself on the back for not contacting her this weekend despite really wanting to about 100 times...

[pfbsurf]

Posting on another thread about dating again, and, as much as i'd like to hide in another realtionship, i know that I'm just not ready at all.

 

I need to deal with this depression somehow.

 

First time around, after a couple of months, i started to feel like myself again. That seems so long ago. I am SO tired and just feel like giving up.

 

Last week was terrible, hopefully this week will be a little better. I have pinned all of my happiness on Steph, which is crazy to say the least.

[pfbsurf]

Why it would not have worked out.

 

We live an hour apart.

 

My kids are my priority - she would not be, at least for a few years.

 

She needs and wants attention from guys - I'd be constantly worried and jealous and unsure.

 

She cheated and lied to me.

 

She's 44 - NBM

 

I'm dealing with my own issues and really won't be good in an LTR till i get back to "normal" in some way.

 

Oh, she cheated and lied, did i mention that?

 

We loved being around each other, but it was also pretty shallow and superficial - she never really embraced me as her "boyfriend".

 

She likes Jason Mraz and Keeping up with the Ks. Actually, i don't really mind that but i guess i'd say that we are 'different'.

 

cheated. lied.

 

took me for granted.

[pfbsurf]

Still struggling.

 

I feel so powerless right now. i can imagine her having fun, living her life, being with other guys all while I live in the past and worry about the future

 

i wrote some lines back after my divorce that I remembered last night. They helped me a lot back then

 

when you find the tight ball of yarn

begins to unravel

 

and the smoothly paved road you are on

turns into gravel

 

 

just remember, it is best to forget

everything

that has not happened yet

 

or something like that.

 

I am in danger of letting this relationship dictate how i live my life for a very long time, unless i really figure out how to completely move on.

[pfbsurf]

This is turning into my depression journal...

 

Went home and got into bed at 6 last night. Got up at 830 this AM. I'm going to give myself a couple more days of doing whatever I want. But starting this weekend with the kids, i need to get back on track somehow.

 

But i am so very tired all the time.