Oh boy so I saw him...

[levie]

...with another girl, crossing street holding hands - and he let go...

 

Told me his friends were visiting this week...I followed them on the other side of the street for a couple of blocks. Yep that was him..I doubt he saw me...

 

..oh boy do I feel bad...

 

 

Sorry to complain ...do I need to say anything? or do I just get my stuff?

 

Can't sleep. yep.

[missmarple]

Some more details? Is he your b/f?

[levie]

we were dating for two months now. We talked about being monogamous very early. Bf/gf was mentioned yes. He talked about honesty and trust all the time. Before last week, he was always on time, never cancelled. But in the last week - He's a sweet guy except that he's been cancelling on me for various reasons in the last week.

 

I posted last fb I wasn't feeling well so he offered to bring me soup on Sunday..I had a visitor so I asked him to come at 4, and apparently somone gave him a ticket for Finals US Open and he said he'll make it up to me. And then he texted me twice asking me for a fancy dinner...after his guests are gone this week.

 

I said I'm getting promotion at work and he said "he looks forward to hearing all about it"...

 

In the evening I came to his neighborhood to meet a gf of mine.. He lives in Chelsea - where lots of galleries I was going to stop by.

 

He walks past by me with a blond girl. As they were crossing the street, he held her hand briefly and let it go, checked his phone, she was talking non-stop - he was a bit distracted.....I couldn't believe my eyes!

 

I followed them for a couple of blocks very discreetly and went to see my friend...

..I don't know what to say..I cannot not believe my eyes...my brain would like to think there is some saving grace...but eyes? do eyes lie?

[missmarple]

Being out and about with a girl doesn't really mean much. She could be a friend, a relative, an acquaintance. But if you are sure they were holding hands at some point.. then, it's none of the above.

I would ask him. I would tell him I saw him (not that I followed them) with a girl and ask who she was and watch his reaction.

[IAmFCA]

What's the point? Seems like he's in an LDR, and she is in town.

 

Having been the local gf once already, I would roll out.

[IAmFCA]

It's the recent pattern of cancelations, the promise of a future date to help him seem attentive

[levie]

I think she isn't out of town. I think he's dating another girl here, and for some reason, currently has a prefrence of putting me off but promising to see me. Maybe they are spendin weekend together. I don't know...

[IAmFCA]

I think she isn't out of town. I think he's dating another girl here, and for some reason, currently has a prefrence of putting me off but promising to see me. Maybe they are spendin weekend together. I don't know...

 

Levie, I want to find the right balance in my response, somewhere between learning from my own experience and not projecting onto yours. Here is what I will offer:

 

- If you are okay being canceled on so he can give someone else priority, then face that truth. Is that who you want to be, why are you tolerating it, etc. What does it say about him, that he lets himself get pulled by someone else away from his own commitments?

- If you think you can trust him, after he talked about transparency and honesty etc., ask yourself - why? trust him for what?

 

What I want to tell you is to go dark. "Get your stuff" -- I guess you already have some stuff at his place? Can you let that stuff go? If you go dark, I promise he will find you. Even after a day. Even still, I would rather you go dark and stay dark.

 

My own experiences with this situation gives me an opportunity to draw some distinctions about when it works and when it doesn't. If my experiences are true for you, it will not work. Ever. It might be chaotic and passionate along the way, true agony and ecstasy. This drama and passion may be the thing the guy needs.

 

If your guy had said, Look, I am also interested in someone else, I need to resolve it; it is something you should know... if that had happened, he would have shown respect for you, guts within himself, and honesty throughout. In that instance, there is a shot that this could work.

 

That didn't happen. Because that didn't happen, I think this guy may be both a coward and a self-serving manipulator. He is telling you what he needs to tell you to keep you around. He will claim he didn't mean to do this to you, he meant everything he said, and its all true. And meaningless, because from minute to minute he is pleasing whoever it is who is pulling the string. This is why "nice guys" very often are not at all nice.

 

I know intimately of what I speak; had I left when it started, I would have saved myself a year of chaos and pain. I also would never have had some amazing experiences, nor learned one my hardest and most impactful life lessons. I stayed because I had to learn that lesson. None, not one, of my friends can even hear that man's name now, so mystified are they by my then-continued involvement. I do not blame them.

 

Remain involved at your own risk.

 

Trying to hold him accountable is just another form of involvement. I was counseled by boys who know. They were right. Don't bother. It is a waste of your time and a diminishment to your dignity. He knows already what you are telling him, and is playing a game to keep you involved.

 

Go dark. There is no better answer.

[Man with Dog]

Give him ONE chance to explain. IF you're not happy with what he says, dump him.

[IAmFCA]

Give him ONE chance to explain. IF you're not happy with what he says, dump him.

 

After a pattern of cancellations? Fooey. He is just going to come up with something. "She's an ex, we made plans for her to visit before you and I started seeing each other, I told her it was over, I didn't tell you because I figured it would be this one time and then never again, and I didn't want you to have to think about her."

 

But if he were in control like that, he wouldn't have been breaking plans. He made plans he knew he would never keep, so as not to have such a long stretch of time unaccounted for. Then he broke them, because he couldn't leave this other woman hanging.

 

I am so over his game.

 

Okay, yeah, I could be wrong. But I'm not.

[levie]

Thank you so much. Yes he's a coward and a self-serving manipulator. If he gave me honesty and transparency as he had promised - I would have stuck by him. But why lie? whats the benefit? He is the loser.

 

So "get your stuff" - i'll wait until monday or sunday and say I need my stuff bring it by...like this?

 

How do I get above the game?

[Edmund Exley]

Being out and about with a girl doesn't really mean much. She could be a friend, a relative, an acquaintance. But if you are sure they were holding hands at some point.. then, it's none of the above.

I would ask him. I would tell him I saw him (not that I followed them) with a girl and ask who she was and watch his reaction.

 

I've held hands before with girls that were nothing more than friends as we walked, but never while dating or being in a relationship with someone else.

[IAmFCA]

I've held hands before with girls that were nothing more than friends as we walked, but never while dating or being in a relationship with someone else.

 

Holding hands + unusual array of cancellations and non-specific references to a future nice dinner and promotion celebration = hiding a current distraction.

 

Re get your stuff: Do you really need it? Does he have a door man? If so, just ask him to leave it there. If not, then contact will be needed, and you stay above the game by not being the slightest bit angry. Coach yourself over and over to be level headed. You are not trying to change his behavior, not in the slightest, you are simply choosing to invest yourself in something that is likely to pay a higher return than what he offers. Be as kind, indifferent, and peaceful as possible.

 

Above the game = not drawn into the drama.

[Mari]

I think she isn't out of town. I think he's dating another girl here, and for some reason, currently has a prefrence of putting me off but promising to see me. Maybe they are spendin weekend together. I don't know...

 

If you can get in touch with that girl ask her what she is to him. If she's a relative and he held hands to cross the street then it's not a big deal. Right now you don't know, and you're trying to know without finding out explicitly.

[Mari]

...

He walks past by me with a blond girl. As they were crossing the street, he held her hand briefly and let it go, checked his phone, she was talking non-stop - he was a bit distracted....

 

I think you're making a big deal out of possibly nothing. If he's distracted and not listening to her and only holds her hand while crossing the street it doesn't mean he's cheating on you. You need to find out explicitly before assuming that he is and disappearing.

[IAmFCA]

The OP describes a change in his pattern of behavior that is telling, as well as a curious absence of information.

 

Before last week, he was always on time, never cancelled. But in the last week - He's a sweet guy except that he's been cancelling on me for various reasons in the last week.

 

I posted last fb I wasn't feeling well so he offered to bring me soup on Sunday..I had a visitor so I asked him to come at 4, and apparently somone gave him a ticket for Finals US Open and he said he'll make it up to me. And then he texted me twice asking me for a fancy dinner...after his guests are gone this week.

 

I said I'm getting promotion at work and he said "he looks forward to hearing all about it"

 

He has guests in from out of town, he has not described his guests nor included the OP in the guests' activities during the visit, he has cancelled two appointments and vaguely referenced making a third sometime later, but has not made himself available now to hear about the promotion or set a date for the dinner.

 

Sorry guys, but I think the guest is a romantic interest. The talk of honesty, gf/bf terms and the vague information about his schedule and the guest are in conflict. She can ask him whatever she wants, and he will explain however is most convenient for him.

 

We always are preaching on this site, ACTIONS NOT WORDS. Well, we have two cancellations, no appointment made to hear about the promotion, an unusual span of time to be unavailable, reference to a guest with no further description, a siting of just him and one woman, no group, walking as if they have known each other well, and no inclination to introduce the GF to the guest. Do we now expect him to come clean? For what purpose? Why bother with this charade?

 

She communicates better by just leaving. If he comes back to her, let it be a while from now, and let it be with a clean slate and a new backbone. Right now, even if the woman is his cousin, the lesson he needs to learn is to be thoughtful and say She is my cousin... Why haven't they met for brunch? I don't know and I wish I did.

 

When my friends come to town to visit, AND I am excited about my bf, I endeavor to introduce them. If schedules don't work, then I don't see my bf and focus on my visitors. But there is an effort to match schedules. None of that happened here.

 

I see no reason to entertain an explanation or to stay any longer.

[ParisPaulette]

Yeah, I'm going to side with IThinkICan and you on this one. A pattern of cancellations, especially with one after the other and so odd too where there was nothing like that before? Plus you see him out and about with a girl equals--he has either met someone or she is in town and you are on the backburner until she leaves/he decides it's going to work with her. Sorry, go with your gut on this one. If it was a cousin or friend or relative don't you think he'd have mentioned it and said, "Well, I can't come over, because my cousin is here."

 

I'd say this is exactly what it looks like. I'd just get my stuff, tell him you're breaking things off and go. It's one thing if you knew he had some huge work project coming up/death in the family/etc. but to do one excuse after another suddenly out of the blue--and ones that don't add up on top of that. Pffft yeah, I wouldn't wait around for him to explain how it was his "cousin" who just dropped by. You can figure a lot out about people by the patterns of their behavior--a drastic change in a pattern of behavior for no apparent reason coupled with what you saw equals time to move on. It's ridiculous when someone starts claiming monogamy with you when you barely know them anyways and the dishonesty of it all is what you should pay the closest attention to--there is why even if he swears it's over with this other girl, it was a one-time thing blah-blah-blah you'd be smart to keep walking anyways.

 

At two months in he didn't have to lie and say he wasn't seeing anyone else. He didn't have to rush things and make you think you were exclusive. That he did though and wasn't just honest about the fact that those standards didn't apparently apply to him, just you, is the hugest red flag of them all. I'd say move on, this one likes having a harem.

[lavenderdove]

Umm, no. If i saw my BF taking the hand of someone when crossing the street who was under the age of 10 or over the age of 80 it would be OK and you could assume he's a good Samaritan and helping the young or feeble. But there is no good reason on this planet for him to be holding another grown woman's hand on the street (short of someone falling down in the street and getting a helping hand to get up again).

 

So he was on a date with this woman. No question. And he may be stalling you while he dates her to decide if he likes her better than you or not. Or just plan stalling you while he enjoys cheating with a side girl for spice.

 

btw, if he has guests from out of town, why not invite you along to dinner or whatever activities he is doing with them? If he suddenly excludes you and doesn't see you at all when out of town guests arrive and while they are there, odds are very good it's a female guest, and he is having a bangfest vacation with her at his home or at a hotel. You'll only hear from him after she's left again and the party is over.

 

I'd dump him, sorry. You can't unknow what you know, and you now know he is running around town with some blonde girl holding her hand and avoiding you.

[weathergirl]

Some more details? Is he your b/f?

 

Read her other threads... All the sorted details can be found there.

 

levie, I am sorry but you can't say we didn't warn you.

 

From your very first thread re him spending four days in a hotel with his ex (including the weekend) during which he didn't even contact you once... to all the recent cancellations....I think the writing has been on the wall for a very long time.

 

Get your stuff and leave immediately. You deserve better.

[missmarple]

Read her other threads... All the sorted details can be found there.

 

levie, I am sorry but you can't say we didn't warn you.

 

From your very first thread re him spending four days in a hotel with his ex (including the weekend)...I think the writing has been on the wall for a very long time.

 

Oh, now I remember who this is about! Yes, I agree that the writing has been on the wall for ages.

[weathergirl]

And I'm sorry to say...that it's possible (and probably very likely) that the woman you saw him with IS his ex (now his current obviously)...the same one he spent four days with in a hotel over a long weekend.

[missmarple]

Come to think of it, I wonder why the OP didn't just go up to him and the girl and say 'hi honey'. She's supposed to be his g/f after all?

[weathergirl]

Come to think of it, I wonder why the OP didn't just go up to him and the girl and say 'hi honey'. She's supposed to be his g/f after all?

 

I hear ya..but it's difficult to think clearly when you're in SHOCK.

 

Although, frankly not sure why she should be so shocked. As we said mm....the writing has been on the wall for awhile now. She just didn't want (or wasn't ready) to see it.

[reinventmyself]

I think you're making a big deal out of possibly nothing. If he's distracted and not listening to her and only holds her hand while crossing the street it doesn't mean he's cheating on you. You need to find out explicitly before assuming that he is and disappearing

 

If it was just that in of itself. . momentarily holding hands with someone. But factor in all the other red flags it doesn't take much to figure out what's going on.

Personally I wouldn't `get my stuff' It's just that 'stuff'. It can be replaced. And the emotional cost of doing so outweighs the value of any of it.

And going dark knowing he will seek me out isn't ok either. . Can't stand the anxiety knowing that he'll be back in some form.

I may ask one question about the girl . get my answer and vanish.

[weathergirl]

I may ask one question about the girl . get my answer and vanish.

 

Why bother even asking. He hasn't been truthful to her thus far ...so what's make you think he's gonna start now.

 

I'd just vanish. Poof I'm gone...

 

And I agree with the poster who said it's just "stuff." Forget about it and just go no contact and move on.