Overcoming insecurity

[drlady]

I'm not sure whether this is the right forum, so please bear with me.

 

I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 6 months. We clicked pretty much instantly - he asked me to dinner two weeks after we met and we've been together ever since. I had ended a miserable, loveless 10-year marriage to a functional alcoholic only three months before we met. I know this was probably far too soon to become involved, but I have no regrets on that score. I was honest with him about my situation from the first date, and he was completely accepting.

 

My problem lies in what seems to be very deeply-rooted insecurity. I have always been an insecure person - even as a kid. 10 years of knowing I meant nothing to my then-husband did not help matters. Now that I have found myself in a stable, fulfilling relationship, the insecurity has come back full force. I am constantly waiting for everything to fall apart. My boyfriend is unwaveringly kind and loving with me. He goes out of his way to see me pretty much every day, even if we are both too busy for anything but a quick lunch. I am the only woman he has taken home to meet his family since his divorce 12 years ago. He has made an effort to introduce me to his children, whom I adore, and include me in his circle of friends and colleagues. He has made an effort to get to know my family and friends. He wants to share all of his hobbies with me. He proudly posts pictures of us together to social media. He told me last week he's always getting texts from friends saying how pretty I am and how happy he looks. We are our mutual friends' "favorite couple" because of the way we bring each other to life. We are not perfect, but any little bumps we have are resolved calmly, respectfully, and without a fight.

 

So why can't I relax and accept that everything is going well? I am always just waiting for something horrible to happen - for everything to fall apart. I have spoken to him a coupe of times about my insecurity, and his response both times has been "How can I help?" followed by reassurance that he loves me, that he wants our relationship, and that I mean a lot to him. I know that he also deals with some insecurity and has been very badly treated in the past, and I do my best to tell him clearly how much I love and appreciate him when he seems to struggle. I do not want this to become an issue between us. I feel crazy for being constantly afraid. How on earth can I move past the insecurity and simply allow our relationship to progress?

[BigKK]

You haven't dealed with your issues from the last 10 years which is why people spend time alone after relationships...now you can try to deal with this during the relationship but it's going to be tough. I'd say seek some therapy or counseling.

[Einzee]

First of all.. double congratulations - one for coming out of an emotionally draining relationship and second for finding something so beautiful

Coming to your insecurity part.. you yourself have answered your questions - when you say that he's really loving, nice and does all he could to make you happy then I don't think you need assurance from any other stranger.

The fact of every relationship is that sooner or later problems/misunderstanding/issues start cropping up. This fact can't be avoided. What can be taken care is the way these unwanted things are handled. If you are sure that you both have good communication and handle misunderstandings in a mature way... be assured everything is going to be fine.

Just keep telling yourself that dark days are gone and its time for bright sunlight

take care and be happy!!!

[SpottiOtti]

I felt very insecure in the beginning months of my relationship too, because I felt like something that good couldn't last, there had to be a catch, did I really deserve that much happiness?, and bla bla. The only thing that cured it for me was time. I just tried to deal with the insecurity when it came up, and after about a year or so, when I realized that we were both still in it and everything was still more or less okay, it started to dwindle. Fast forward four years later, and I feel more secure now in this relationship than in any other I've been in.

 

I'd recommend you read something about adult attachment theory also - it helped me understand the dynamics of my past relationships a lot. "Attached" by Levin is the one I read.

[misssmithviii]

I too have trouble with insecurity, especially when something good is happening or I feel like I'm supposed to expect the good things to keep on happening - which is exactly how I feel in my relationship now. It's the first healthy relationship I've ever had, one very similar to what you've described OP. We're attentive, open and kind, respectful and loving. I've always had issues in the past with men taking advantage of me, deceiving me in one way or the other, abandoning me... it's all happened.

 

I actually posted awhile ago that the more intimate and the more I bonded with my bf, the more insecure I became. The advice I received was sound - I become scared when I have something so precious to lose. And that's what you're experiencing now. You're becoming more and more insecure the more love grows because now it's turned into something that will hurt if you lose it.

 

The way I deal with it? Talk about it with other friends and write in my journal. I vent, and I'm blessed with such wonderful listeners in my life (who I'm also available to vent to for them of course) and I found that when I expel it in one way or the other - I have less anxiety when I'm with him.

 

I put my doubts and thoughts in a journal and let that be my outlet so I'm not constantly bringing my baggage to his door. Because we must remember, most men are fixers. When they hear a problem they want to fix it.

 

Try and sift through what he can and cannot fix - and then I tell him, "Hey love, can I just talk this out for a second and get a hug? I'd feel ten times better." Men like to be given ways to 'make it better' so they feel appreciated and accomplished.

 

Do this and it'll help I promise you. Start a journal of your insecure moments and only bring them to him when you think he can do something about it.

 

My two cents. Good luck

[catfeeder]

Congrats on the great guy.

 

How on earth can I move past the insecurity and simply allow our relationship to progress?

 

Has your divorce been finalized?

[IAmFCA]

Just saved this to my own journal. Thank you.

 

"Try and sift through what he can and cannot fix - and then I tell him, "Hey love, can I just talk this out for a second and get a hug? I'd feel ten times better." Men like to be given ways to 'make it better' so they feel appreciated and accomplished."

[drlady]

Has your divorce been finalized?

 

Thank you! Yes, when we met the paperwork had all been filed and I was in the waiting period. The divorce was final three weeks after we began dating.

[drlady]

Thank you BigKK. I think you're right that 10 years of issues aren't going away this quickly.

[drlady]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and ideas. I think misssmithviii hit it on the head. The more dear my boyfriend becomes to be, the more terrible the thought of losing him. I will try journaling my fears and see if it helps bring them more under control. I cherish this relationship and want to do what I can to keep it healthy.

[catfeeder]

Thank you! Yes, when we met the paperwork had all been filed and I was in the waiting period. The divorce was final three weeks after we began dating.

 

Well, this likely explains part of it. Ask anybody else who's been through a divorce--it's a time of upheaval no matter how much relief it brings. And you started this relationship before the ink was dry. That can do stuff to anybody's head.

 

Since you're invested in this man, I'd consider seeking private therapy for myself to work out my stuff. This would be my insurance that I can keep my head without coming out sideways on BF. It might help prevent you from reading wrong stuff into natural ebbs and rocky times, and it can help you avoid turning small issues into larger ones.

 

Most importantly, it gives you a safe, professional place to work through the stuff you couldn't possibly have reconciled about your marriage. That's a process where you can't skip steps without consequences--and the wisest part of you knows this. You'll likely suffer less and fewer feelings of foreboding when you know you're actively working on the very stuff that could self-fulfill any lousy prophecies.

 

Don't tight-rope walk this--lean into it with someone who's trained to help otherwise perfectly healthy and able people to navigate the stuff they fear most.

 

Head high.

[drlady]

Thank you for your insight Catfeeder. I think you are right. I knew at the time that my head wasn't clear yet, and I'm sure it still isn't there. I should point out that two months after we began seeing each other, my BF had to travel to another country for work for two months. Though we still communicated almost daily, that time alone did me a lot of good. It was difficult, to be sure, but I felt much more sane and balanced after having two months to process everything. No, it was not a replacement for the years people typically spend alone after divorce and it certainly was not replacement for professional help. I will take your advice and talk to a professional. Thank you again!