The thought of hugging my family repulses me.

[isanybodythere]

I've never realized how many emotional issues I have deep down until I started dating the man I'm with now. Not because of him, but seeing how he acts towards his family and/or how he goes about his own life has opened my eyes to reality and made me realize I do, in fact, have a lot more issues deep down than I thought I did. Am I the minority?

 

Here's the situation:

 

My boyfriend, whom I've been with for almost 9 months now, went through a devastating family tragedy I wouldn't wish on anyone. His younger brother died at the age of 14 about a year and a half ago. Although the brother had an illness since birth (some sort of intestine problem, went through 30 surgeries in his life, constantly in and out of the hospital), he passed away suddenly as a result of a surgery complication. Therefore, the death was an unexpected shock to the entire family.

 

I didn't know my boyfriend during that time, but I did know his sister, and I remember seeing her social media posts. It seemed as though my boyfriend and his sister were always close, but the death of the brother brought them a lot closer, which is understandable.

 

Now, since I've been with my boyfriend I've had to get used to the fact that he is extremely...... I mean EXTREMELY.... close with his sister. He's close with his parents as well, but his sister is literally his confident. And when I say extreme, I mean I can't even tell my boyfriend a joke but he runs and tells his sister EVERYTHING. He tells her my personal business, tells her how he feels about me, tells her when we get into arguments... I'm pretty sure he's even told her about my PERIOD before. I can't breathe around my boyfriend without him running and telling his sister everything... which really, really, bothers me.

 

I have a brother, who just turned 16 (I'm 21), and we do not have a relationship whatsoever. The extent of our relationship is inside jokes and laughing at our dad when he does corny things. That's it. I can't remember the last time I said I love you to him, or the last hug I ever gave him. As kids we were closer, but growing up we became SUCH polar opposites that the thought of him grosses me out.

 

Sometimes I think I genuinely hate him. But for what? He's never done anything to me, and I've treated him like S**T his entire life. Since I was the first born, my parents spoiled me as a child and he didn't get as much attention and he resents me for that. He throws it in my face all the time that its "always about me", which I can agree with, as I was a very selfish teenager. I got into trouble all the time, partied underage, and basically put my parents through HELL AND BACK, but I've matured. Done college and have an unbelievable career, working for the government since I was 20 and have my life on track. So in that sense - I've grown up and realized how much of a brat I was to deal with.

 

On the other hand, I'm very close with my parents. They do SO MUCH for me, and they are amazing parents. I don't tell them A LOT though, I tend to keep a lot of personal things to myself, especially my feelings, so the only thing we really talk about is my day/work/friends/boyfriend... regular conversation stuff, but we're still close.

 

Now, back to my boyfriend..

 

He is SO AFFECTIONATE with his family. He's constantly giving his sister hugs (she's my age, 21, he's 23) and he calls her 20 times a day. She does the same. They are both equally as affectionate. She recently moved out so they no longer live together and the minute she comes back to visit he has to run up and give her a 5 minute suffocating hug and tell each other how much they missed each other. He constantly goes over to visit, tells her every little detail about his life and has a bunch of weird pet names for her. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to talk about with her because he's already told her everything going on in MY life as well. It's frustrating, it really is.

 

Therefore, coming from a family that shows affection in different ways (we joke with each other, always there for each other but NEVER any physical affection) I always feel uncomfortable being around them together. Sometimes I don't even want him around her because it just annoys me so much, which just looks weird, because it looks like I'm jealous of his sister.... which I'm not. He's JUST as physically affectionate with me, but it just creeps me out hard. My boyfriend isn't one to tell me how he feels either. He hides his feelings and has a hard time telling me "mushy" stuff, but it seems as though he can tell his sister everything? I don't know.

 

SO THIS IS WHERE I NEED SOME HELP.. Is it normal to feel this way? Or am I just strange?

 

The thought of hugging my intimidate family sends a sickening feeling throughout me and the thought of being physically affectionate with the makes me want to hurl. The only time I hug my parents are if I'm going away on vacation for a while or on a graduation/big event, and when it happens I barely hug back, stiffen up and feel disgusted and awkward the whole time. The thought of saying I love you to any of them makes me want to curl up in a ball and die. I can't explain the feeling other than repulsed, completely and utterly repulsed

 

I'm really close with my dad and we have an awesome relationship. Over the past year I've actually grown closer with him than my mom who was ultimately my confident. I think it's because I'm spending a lot more time with my dad now since we carpool to work together everyday. He's awesome, literally my best friend.

 

But my brother, let's just say he doesn't even exist to me. We live in the same house and I can go weeks without even saying a word to him. The life he lives repulses me, I'm an outgoing girl with a huge social life and never at home, where he has one friend and never leaves the house. Doesn't go out EVER, doesn't do anything, doesn't work - nothing. If I wasn't related to him I would have nothing to do with him. I know the way I treat him hurts him, he's said it numerous times that he got ripped off for a sister. But for some reason I can't bring myself to be affectionate towards him. I do love him, I just wish we had more in common. (Ps, we are 5 years apart in age).

 

Does anyone else feel this way? I mean, my boyfriend's affection towards his family is SO polar opposite than mine, I don't want this to affect our relationship in the long run.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I do think it is weird and extremely off putting to ignore the existence and despise one's sibling for nothing more than the fact that they exist.

I don't know ,I don't think it will work out to have a relationship with somebody who truly enjoys affection with their family when you are someone who doesn't. I really don't.

[lukeb]

I would say the extent that you feel repulsed and disgusted by any casual physical contact with your family as strange yes. My family also is not used to a a lot of hands on expression of love although we are close. I especially noticed that when my Dad passed away. I do disagree with Victoria, it can work out with your boyfriend as long as you both recognize that a lot of it is in how you are raised in how you express your affection casually, but it not necessarily an indication that you don't love them any less. (with your brother as an exception) It is not likely you will ever be close with your brother, but I would encourage you to make an effort to be nicer to him.

[Iggy5129]

Wow. You do realize you've traumatized and held back your little brother by treating him like poop all his life. How incredibly selfish can you be? These are the people who are there for you no matter what and you are repulsed by them? You are the one with the problem, not your brother or parents. How you're brother chooses to live his life is his choice and should in no way affect you. You should support and love him. I cannot really understand how someone can be disgusted by a family that has been nothing but nice. Are you a sociopath? You sound at the very least quite self-centered.