Ex's Grandma is passing

[sky09]

Because it is her family. If they invited you to come, it would be one thing. But they have not.

Therefore, you should not go. Especially since you and your ex have seperated.

 

Are you planning on attending the holiday celebrations as well? Once you break up with someone ---- you break with their family UNLESS they ask to come over.

 

i would at least drop them a text or a note/card of some sort. the bolded part is the one-dimensional thinking i'm talking about. as if, we only love people that are in our lives, because we are with their sons, daughters, etc. i don't have to love them, just because i was with her. we've developed our own relationship.

Once again, this thread has exhausted its purpose. Please lock it down/delete it.

[journeynow]

I think I understand your intent, and perhaps you feel it is respectful, but now is not the time unless the grandmother requests it or the family invites you. The time to go on your own initiative was when she was healthy or when you and your ex were still a couple. I understand that you are still on good terms with the family, and a nice card or even a fruit basket and note, saying they are in your thoughts and prayers, is the kind and courteous thing at this time. Maybe even add that if they need you for anything you are happy to come, but leave the inviting up to them. They have a lot on their plates.

[journeynow]

i would at least drop them a text or a note/card of some sort. the bolded part is the one-dimensional thinking i'm talking about. as if, we only love people that are in our lives, because we are with their sons, daughters, etc. i don't have to love them, just because i was with her. we've developed our own relationship.

Once again, this thread has exhausted its purpose. Please lock it down/delete it.

 

I understand this, when my ex-husband and I broke up, we remained friends and his family has repeatedly made it absolutely clear I am still family and invited to gatherings.

[mhowe]

i would at least drop them a text or a note/card of some sort. the bolded part is the one-dimensional thinking i'm talking about. as if, we only love people that are in our lives, because we are with their sons, daughters, etc. i don't have to love them, just because i was with her. we've developed our own relationship.

Once again, this thread has exhausted its purpose. Please lock it down/delete it.

 

Sending a card or a gift basket is appropriate. Showing up uninvited is not.

[journeynow]

Once again, this thread has exhausted its purpose. Please lock it down/delete it.

Wait, why lock it down? It is less than 15 hours old and you asked for people's thoughts.

[sky09]

Wait, why lock it down? It is less than 15 hours old and you asked for people's thoughts.

 

i think i got more than i've bargained for. no need to keep rehashing the opinion of majority, that is crystal clear to me now. your two posts summed it better than the 2 pages of this whole thread. thank you!

[CatsMeeoow]

i would at least drop them a text or a note/card of some sort. the bolded part is the one-dimensional thinking i'm talking about. as if, we only love people that are in our lives, because we are with their sons, daughters, etc. i don't have to love them, just because i was with her. we've developed our own relationship.

Once again, this thread has exhausted its purpose. Please lock it down/delete it.

 

But at some point we all have to move on. How awkward for your ex and her new relationship if you are coming over and hanging out with her family all the time. How will your new gf feel always hanging out at your ex's family events?

 

Yes, you were part of their lives for a period of time and its nice to know that things are on such friendly terms. There just comes a time and place when you have to let go - you won't really move on in your own life being so wrapped up in hers.

[treesandbees]

Before doing anything talk with the parents or your ex and express your thoughts, maybe what they say will change your mind or encourage you to follow what you originally want to do.

 

I don't think they delete threads on here, best you will get is a lock.

[sky09]

But at some point we all have to move on. How awkward for your ex and her new relationship if you are coming over and hanging out with her family all the time. How will your new gf feel always hanging out at your ex's family events?

 

Yes, you were part of their lives for a period of time and its nice to know that things are on such friendly terms. There just comes a time and place when you have to let go - you won't really move on in your own life being so wrapped up in hers.

 

this is not my intent, but i do understand your point completely. thank you.

[faraday]

I went to my daughters paternal great grandmothers funeral with her. I was invited by my ex and welcomed his family. I also still go in for coffee and hang out with my ex and his parents (and siblings. We even go to each other's holiday dinners)...but...that's only because we share a child together.

 

I have been very close with several exes families...and while things ended amicable and exes parents have been disappointed with the break ups....I do not call or visit them...it would be disrespectful to my exes to interject myself into their families, even though I'm still friends with many of my exes (like we still hang out and go for dinner).

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[journeynow]

i think i got more than i've bargained for. no need to keep rehashing the opinion of majority, that is crystal clear to me now. your two posts summed it better than the 2 pages of this whole thread. thank you!

 

I see. Things aren't always black and white, but it can be very tricky navigating gray areas. I think that's why folks sometimes give cut and dried advice. You're welcome, though, sky09. Let us know what you decide (if you want) and how it goes. I think you only intend to be kind and thoughtful to the grandmother and family.

[Seraphim]

It is just difference of opinion. If my husband and I divorced I wouldn't personally hang onto his family. And I wouldn't expect him to hang onto mine. I guess for me hanging on to ex anything is like hanging onto the past. Nobody's opinion is better than any others it's just how you feel about it.

[penelope13]

Big life events and how to deal with them are heavily influenced by cultural norms and based on the comment that you are married for visa reasons makes me assume that you may have a different cultural influence than many of the responders on this thread.

 

I am from a background where the process of dying wasn't as removed from daily life (just my personal experience since moving here) as for many people here.

 

You haven't said anything about the state of the grandma both physically, mentally, as well as emotionally. Thus it's going to be difficult to give you any sort of concrete advice. My own grandmother endured a long process of nearing death with decreasing intellectual abilities. However, at that time she would have (and has been) happy about any visitor who was willing to sit with her for a few hours not even to talk. Just the sheer presence of someone made her happy. I couldn't tell you at all if she realized that the person sitting next to her was someone she knew or not, but what we could observe is that any human interaction seemed to please her, physically relax her and engage her mind for some time, making her existence more positive.

 

So I'm just pointing out that not every and any new human interaction has to be necessarily a bad experience for the person.

 

I would suggest to really dig into your motives for wanting to visit her. Is there any direct indication (through the family) that a visit would really be a positive experience (regardless of your history with the ex)? The mere fact that she has a picture of you hanging on her wall is not enough evidence because it could be hanging there simply because she is not able anymore to make a conscious decision about it and instead of a picture that reminds her of specific people it could be hanging there because she is used to it and it's simply a familiar piece of decoration.

 

Notice also that I am using the word 'visit' as apposed to 'meet with her': the first (IMHO) is solely about giving another human being some human compassion and interaction all dependent on what her needs and wants at that point will be, while the other is more focused on you, and the history you have with your ex (even if you don't mention the ex or want to be in touch with the ex, but the driving force is different). I am pretty sure that the grandma will probably have bigger (if at all) regrets in her life than not having met all the people who ever played a role in her granddaughters life.