Pregnant and fell out of love

[esc]

Reeling after a week of breaking news that my pregnant fiancé fell out of love with feelings of uncertainty. She’s late in the 1st trimester, this is her first child and my 3rd. We met on a scrupulous dating app. Go figure. Talked, dated, formal courtship, tons of hot chemistry, very passionate intimacy. Pure fireworks from date one throughout the infatuation stage and right up to the pregnancy. Her clock was ready to “asplode” and we got pregnant fast. it was planned. I knew after 90 days that it was right, it was her time and I saw myself with her even over all the quirks, concerns or nuances. She felt the same with my baggage and actually verbalized learning “true love.” I have my own baggage, divorce, shared custody of 2 kids, career change, working off debt. Having gone through the birth of my two lil’ buggers, I’m well versed in the rage of hormones and the affect they have on woman. I’ve been there each step of the way. We live an hour away so only got to see each other on weekends and sporadic weeknights. However was actively house hunting for us to move into. So many incredible weekends in pure bliss up until the nausea and migraines kicked in. I was completely blindsided when she called and said she’d fallen out of love. Couldn’t pin point when, however the previous two weeks she felt that she wanted to be in love with the person that she was going to be with forever and had doubt about everything. She’s also made clear that I’ve been kind, caring, loving and what I’d hope to be an all around great husband. Of course my “guy” instinct kicked in and I tried to fix it. I walked through how love is a verb, a choice and something you work to show how you feel. Then I explained how the hormones can create apathy and gave her a hall pass. We’ve stopped communication. She did reveal that she was going to be moving near me to be next to her family… I’m lost. Is this her feeling overwhelmed with everything and being inexperienced to know how to stick it through? Or did I get involved with someone that has her own deep rooted issues that is running away? I’ve been lying to myself every moment I think of her saying “she doesn’t love you, you deserve to be happy.” I’m running through so many mixed emotions. All I want is to have a happy family with her and that she feels confident that she made the right choice.

 

Anyone gone through this?

[Curly sue]

I really hope it's just hormones but for her to say she don't love you any more yikes. Give her some time to work through her hormonal changes. Just keep trying to communicate with her. She don't have the right to just cut you out of her life. That's your baby too. Maybe try and contact her family and talk with them about it too. Let them know your concerned about emotional state going through her hormonal changes.

[ThatwasThen]

it was planned. I knew after 90 days that it was right

You don't even know who she is after 90 days nor did she know who you were. She now has gotten to know who you actually are and she doesn't like you as much as she lusted for you.

 

Sorry.

[Sedrick]

You got through a divorce with two prior kids.. built up debt which you are now paying off and before you know it you're going to be paying child support yet again for a long 18 years or more depending on your state.

 

Your story should be mandatory reading for people who decide to build a second family after the first one didn't work out.

 

You don't know someone after 90 days, you don't really know them.. for years.

 

Why rush into things with a pregnancy before you're even married?

 

Anyway that doesn't change anything about your situation except maybe to give you room to pause before you do it with someone else for a third go around.

[Ijustcant]

Man... That sounds tough mate

 

Sorry to hear that, but to be honest, I did the same kinda thing with my ex, whirlwind relationship and an early pregnancy, pretty soon after I realized she wasn't the one for me... But she was pregnant and so I felt I had to stay, there was no way I could just abandon my kid... So I kept up appearances for as long as I could... nearly 6 years... We split for a year during this... But I went back for the kids...

 

As another poster pointed out, you just can't know someone after 90 days, you can't... We are complex creatures and most of that time is the honeymoon period... I defo will not be making the same mistake again... In fact I think I will just stay single and be with my kids whenever I can... They are my life now...

 

Sorry dude, only thing I can suggest is to try give her some space, don't pester her, it will just drive her away, but yeah she really shouldn't just cut you out, that's a bit rough... I would not contact her, let her come to you. There is that saying, if you love something let it go, if they love you they love you they will come back... Or words to that effect. Gutted for you though. Chin up.

[esc]

I feel it’s needed to share some more info here on myself, being I'm no spring chicken, almost 40 and her too. That's why there was the quick courtship to pregnancy, she was literally running out of time. We did not expect it to happen so soon, trust me. Now I'm no noob when it comes to relationships, was with my ex for 10 years and like Ijustcant, stuck in much longer for the sake of the kids then after I'd already checked out of the marriage. Over the course of years, I've done enough therapy seat time to now be skilled with Cognitive and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy in trying to help and resolve issues of my ex wife. I'm not claiming to be an expert by any means, however my knowledge and depth of how to effectively communicate healthy, is strong. Can you know someone in 90 days? If you really cut into the meat of how the human psyche works, yes I do believe you can. Not 100% of who they are, as the small quirks will "blossom" in time. However I do know how to test the boundaries in observance to stressful reactions on most major personality foundations. She checked out great. I dated extensively, and very selective, 2 or 3 times a week until we found each other. She is by far the woman of my dreams, being kind, thoughtful, outgoing, communicative, family oriented, strong morals, modest and drop dead gorgeous. Of course there are some background issues, but who doesn't have? And her issues are a breeze to accept and work on compared to other challenges I've endured in my previous marriage. Is what we’ve done perfect, no. Who has the perfect life, no one that’s fantasy. Is it ideal, not now no, however with commitment to build the relationship, yes. Is it manageable and have a great upside, absolutely. Did rushing into this change my love for her, no way. Do I understand the difference between Infatuation, Lust, Love and Respect. You’d better believe it. If both partners are willing to put in the work, anyone can have a strong healthy relationship. Now, I can't speak for my fiancé, perhaps she feels that she doesn't know me how she thought... Even through all my efforts to be fully transparent in all my life's issues for her to see, that still could be very true. I’ve also made very clear to her that I want to be married to someone that loves me. I’ve gone radio silent allowing her to explore her own feelings in the proverbial vacuum. Does she love me, yes I know she does. Does she feel loved by me, yes she’s validated that. Is she “in love” with me? I know too well that being “in love’ is a feeling, is the infatuation of a relationship and that true love is like the sun. It’s always there each morning, sometimes it’s shining on the other side of the earth, or sometimes it’s obscured by clouds, but it’s also shines down strong warming the earth and it’s always there. I’m thinking that it’s her journey to figure out if she does feel true love for me. Time will tell.

 

So my real question to anyone interested, is, has anyone experienced love loss while going through a first pregnancy and in the first trimester? How did you pull through it? Did the love come back? Is my fiancé going through overwhelming feelings of doubt, now facing the reality of being pregnant and all the life changes that come with our relationship? Are these feeling compounded by the rage of hormones that have taken over her body? She’s making the relocation move, taking on my kids, moving in together, on top of preparing for the baby. It’s a lot, and I’ve tried to explain it all as best as I could, however it’s one of life’s few things that you can only understand having gone through it.

 

Thank you again an in advance for all the help.

[lavenderdove]

Look, i'd say this is more a case of you were operating without having all the details. For example, she could have really wanted kids and panicked being almost 40 and grabbed anybody she could find to impregnate her, which was a goal she considered essential at this point in time. But once that goal is accomplished, now she may be thinking, well, i've got my kid now, but not sure this guy is the perfect partner for me, so i'll pass. So she took what she wanted (the baby) and left the rest (you) behind.

 

she can decide she won't marry you, but she can't decide to keep you away from this child and be a part of its life. so make it clear that your expectation is that you will co-parent this child with her and she can't just take the baby and run.

 

there is a small chance this is all hormones and she might be better once the baby is born, but there is also a chance this was a calculated move to get pregnant and get child support so that she'd have a kid and might prefer to raise it as a single mother. Or maybe she sobered up and realized that she was so hot to have a baby, she jumped in with a person that she now is just not feeling like she is that compatible with and her initial feelings are fading. Or that though she did want her own baby, she doesn't want to actively stepparent other children as well and do the whole blended family thing.

 

So i suggest you keep contact with her on the subject of the child and wanting to participate in the birth and work out child custody issues with her, but don't press her too hard on getting back together if she doesn't want that right now. If it's just hormones she may come around, but if this was tricking you in order for her to get a baby she intended to raise alone (with your child support) or if she realized she jumped into this too quickly and you're not the right man for her, then she may not change her mind.

[esc]

I have to admit this is great advice. Duly noted and I have fully explored the "baby con" angle. Do I think she's using me? Not intentionally no. We've already romantically visited and chose the wedding spot, planned our duel income joint finances, selected the area to move into together, interacted and accepted the families and have received her validation of "learning true love" with me. Is she feeling overwhelmed and checking out vs. willing to put in the work. Yeah maybe. We'll see. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this issue, until otherwise evident.

 

If it is just hormones and she comes back, I do feel that I need to continue through separate living courtship and validate the relationship more. This has forever changed my perception of the relationship and trust in her. She might not like it, however I need to know that she does truly love me and wont' bail when adversity affects our relationship.