Shocked and At a Loss.....

[lost soul 17]

I'm in pain. Deep emotional pain. Over the last few years I've had a tumultuous relationship with my now, ex girlfriend. The warning signs were there, that I should have cut things off long away, but didn't. I have no one to blame, but myself for putting myself in a position to be hurt, but that doesn't change how I feel. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings and figured the best way to start to heal was to verbalize (or write on here).

 

I started dating my ex about 4 years ago. We met online. I didn't think much of her initially, but we really hit it off when we met. The first few month were great. But as things progressed I found that she knew what she wanted - marriage - whereas I was uncertain for a myriad of reason. However, things did get serious, she moved in with me and after dating for 1.5 years we began looking for a larger place together.

 

However, moving into together didn't sit well with me. I felt rushed and a little trapped. I cared about her, but wasn't ready to take the next step, largely because I was juggling a demanding full time job during the day and business school at night. A new place together meant near term engage and marriage. I just wasn't ready, so I backed out on moving into together. She moved out and we remained together for a few months, but she grew upset and distant, which I in no way fault her for. But soon I found myself missing her and chasing her, but certain damage had been done. However, within six months of the failed move-in, we were done. No real closure. I couldn't get any. She has poor communication skills and just kind of disappeared.

 

After we broke up she began "discovering" herself. She changed her career path, from speech pathologist to fitness instructor. It was fairly drastic, but she loved it - the community and her new found attention. She began to change, becoming much more vain. She was hyper focused on her image as a trainer and how she should look, ultimately deciding to have breast enhancement surgery. While she looked great, she had become caught up in a scene, one which both I and her friends/family questioned whether it was good for her.

 

A few months later she reached out to me unexpectedly. She missed me and wanted to talk. I had begun to date someone else at this point, but obliged her request, against my better judgment. I ultimately ended the other relationship to give things between us another chance. I missed her as well and wondered if things might be different this time. However, it was a crash and burn. Within 2 months she disappeared again. No closure.

 

While painful, it was easier to cope with than the first time. I was done and took steps to let her know that. I returned a basket full of her stuff and requested my key back. It was clear I didn't want to be contacted at some future time.

 

I went back to my life and she to hers. We didn't speak for 6 months other than a chance encounter at a gym, which was short, awkward and left me wishing I hadn't run into her. However, this last December she reached out to me again, in a very similar fashion as previous. She missed me and wanted to meet. Once again, I met with her against my better judgment (I know, stupid). She told me she missed me, still loved me and wanted a future together (marriage and family). It was everything I wanted with her at this point. I was ready and felt great about it. We jumped back into things. Full swing.

 

Things were good for a month or so, but then she began to grow distant (again). I had several conversations with her about communication. I told her she needed to be honest with me. She said all the right things in response, but her actions weren't congruent with what she said. After 2.5 months I realized we were going down a similar path which we'd been before. However, I didn't want to just let her off the hook to disappear. I felt that I deserved honest from her. So for a period of time I tried to get her to sit and level with me. She continued to say she would and then cancel at the last minute. This went on and on. It was very infuriating.

 

I knew something was up, but didn't know what. I asked her if there was someone else. She said no and kept blaming her inability to meet and talk on her busy schedule. However, I politely and patiently kept pushing to meet. I wanted what I thought would be some final closure, at the very least. I didn't want her to disappear only to reemerge months later.

 

About three months ago, after unsuccessfully meeting up with her, I stopped by her work. I pulled her aside in a quiet moment and asked if we could speak. We did. I told her that I was done with the game. She needed to commit or I was done. She told me she was uncertain and need to time to think, but still very much cared about me.

 

I realized in my mind this was headed to a bad place, but wanted to believe. I told her I 'd give her some time to think, but ultimately wanted her to reach out when ready. Not surprisingly she didn't reach out. So I reached out to her once and for all. I wanted her to say she was done. Something I hadn't been able to get her to say, but needed to hear. Instead of getting a face-to-face conversation, we pretty much ended things for good last month with a terse text message exchange.

 

Last week, I found out she is engaged and 4 months pregnant! I've been reeling ever since. I've made a lot of poor decision along the way, which opened me up to be hurt, but never thought someone I loved would be so hurtful and deceitful. Based upon the timing of events, I believe that she was seeing her, now fiancee, while also seeing me this winter, before she started to pull away.

 

It is really hard to explain or even understand all of the feelings I'm having, which is why I decided to write this post. I've never been so hurt by someone before. I feel really used and stupid. There's part of me that wants to lash out. To hurt her in the same way she hurt me - I'm sure her fiancee isn't aware she was still talking to me. However, deep down I know this isn't the right thing to do. I truly believe life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. I'm trying to cope with the situation and move on, but I'm having a really difficult time. The wound is deep and very fresh. I never expected someone so close to me to be so cruel. But I guess you live and learn.

 

I'm writing about this because I believe hearing from other - both relationship experts and those who've had similar experiences - about how to cope will be quite helpful. I realize that much of this misfortune I brought upon myself by my actions. I'm not beating myself up about it, but would like to figure out how to move past it.

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and is kind enough to respond with helpful advice.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Grief over a breakup is natural and difficult. I'd recommend looking up 'Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief' which was originally applied to death and dying. Contemporary therapists now apply it to all kinds of grief including divorces and breakups.

 

I raise this because grief cycles through these stages in chaotic ways, not some neat linear path. It's useful to understand that feeling 'okay' one minute and a wreck the next isn't a setback, it's part of the healing process. It feels freakish and isolating, but it might help to know that your pain is universally shared by everyone who has loved enough.

 

Head high, and write more when it helps.

[butterflyburn]

Yes Lost Soul, she did play you thoroughly but if you learned something it is worth it. Sometimes we make mistakes on purpose and I feel like you did. She was no good for you. You knew that but you did not have the courage to give up on her. In so many ways this is a blessing. Because were she still to be available you would go in for another round, another and another until something like this ended the cycle. So move on, grieve but do not be too disappointed in your self. Life happens. We live and learn like you said.