Is putting up defensive walls after getting hurt counter-productive?

[I messed up]

Some of you may know that I didn't have the best experience with this girl. I learned plenty of mistakes and I'll look to correct them, but I'm afraid that I might start putting up defensive walls for future women. The obvious reason as to why these walls go up is because we are afraid of getting hurt again, but isn't that counter-productive in terms of being happy with another person? I'm just afraid that my experience will make it more difficult to find another person and be happy with them.

 

Second question: Are these walls needed initially, and can they be easily broken down when we feel it is right to knock them down?

[faraday]

Walls = baggage. Try to keep your baggage to carry on size

 

I dated a guy in January that...was awesome! He wanted to meet my daughter, my family, my friends, he was funny, cute, smart...I adored him. Then...after a month...he realized he was in over his head...and he left. It was...weird.

 

Sometimes with my current bf, I wonder if he'll leave. Sometimes I get a little paranoid about it. I just focus on...the fact that he's not the guy from January. They aren't the same, so it's not fair for me to put my baggage on him.

 

Now, I will say, I did let him into my life slower than I let January guy in. Some will say that's walls...others will say that's learning from my mistakes. Fortunately (unfortunately??) my bf had went through the exact same thing as me the month before we met...so we both had that...hesitation about moving too fast. So it worked out.

 

When you start meeting people again, don't compare them to text girl. The next girl is not the same. But do learn from text girl...meet up for dates early...and if someone doesn't want to hang out or talks about not wanting a relationship...ditch them because they aren't looking for the same thing as you.

 

Keep your heart open. And keep your eyes open

[BentGattling]

Everyone has a defensive armor on to some extent when you step out into this world...you'd be a fool not to...doesn't mean baggage necessarily or that you can't be relaxed...to get to trust the walls have to come down but that should take time and patience.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Faraday. When you are dating, it's good to keep your baggage to a minimum and to try to get to know them as an individual.

 

But primarily, if you have a bunch of walls, take that as a sign you are not ready to date. Take some time to heal before you do date again.

[ParisPaulette]

Walls often go up, because a) we've been hurt and aren't over the hurt yet when we venture back out into the world and b) we haven't learned to trust our own intuition and ability to recognize red flags and leave people who exhibit those red flags behind.

 

When a and b are fixed one doesn't really need walls, because you trust yourself and what you know and want enough to realize you will be able to save yourself from a bad situation before it starts most of the time. And that you'll survive it even if something does happen.

[catfeeder]

There's a difference between defensive walls and cautious observation.

 

People show us who they are over t.i.m.e. but it's up to us to Pay Attention.

 

Chris Rock said something really smart, "When you date a new person, you're not meeting them, you're meeting their representative."

 

So you don't need to be 'defensive,' but you do need to observe and allow people to unravel their true character over time--and you need to learn what red flags are and how to 'see' them rather than overlook them.