Slipped through my fingers...

[flow90]

This is long, but please bear with me!

 

I used to post on here a few years back about an ex of mine.. We were together on and off for over 2 years. We fell in love very quickly, both always said how special and rare what we had was. But we were both young, immature... and I very insecure... We would end up arguing, and I would end up suffocating him. His freedom is very important to him

 

We kept getting back together, because we didn't want to lose one another, but it just wasn't working due to us being so young and immature so it finally ended.

 

I tried to win him back numerous times, but finally accepted that if it was ever going to work we both needed to grow up.

 

We cut contact and didn't talk for nearly 3 years. I've dated others, and had a semi serious relationship in this time, but never felt the way I did for my ex.

 

I realised I was a mess towards the end of our relationship, not thinking clearly at all... very needy etc. So for the past 3 years I've really worked on myself, didn't push myself to meet anyone else, I grew up basically.. was more relaxed, less insecure, and just in a better place. I didn't know who I was when I was with my ex, but now I feel I am finally discovering who I am.

 

He reached out to me on my birthday after nearly 3 years, and we chatted a bit but he was distant with me and so I didn't push it. A few months later I reached out on his birthday and he responded happily but the conversation didn't continue.

 

Then a few months ago we started chatting again, this time with real interest. Talking for days, catching up... Turned out, I was going to be visiting his city, so we arranged to meet. He told me how excited he was about seeing me and how much he wanted to see me.

 

We met up, and it was amazing.... we got on like best friends, chatting for hours, listening to music we both loved... we chatted about the past, both admitted to the mistakes we made. I was shocked because I thought he would never see how he hurt me and the mistakes he made in our rel, but he did. Which made me think, we have a real chance here.. He told me he had been in a relationship these past 2 years, and it was really turbulent, and he told me she brought out the worst in him but I brought out the best.

 

He told me he could see how I had changed, that I was more relaxed and could see I had found myself. I told him that he was more open, and he said he realised that that was a mistake he made with me, and realised thats what made me insecure.

 

He also brought up the good times, and mentioned things I thought hadn't meant anything to him orhe had forgotten about. He even remembered exactly how we first met, and just lots of tiny things that surprised he even still thought about.

 

We had some wine, and we kissed and ended up having sex.. which was amazing and felt like no time had passed. The next day we met up again, and went out with some friends. I noticed he was being a bit off with me, but I tried to brush it off, however we got very drunk and for some reason the drink made me feel very emotional. All of my feelings and pain from the past came flooding back to me and I started to get paranoid that this was just sex for him and nothing more... I told him that my feelings for him were returning, and I asked him what he felt for me.

 

He told me he does have feelings but doesn't want them to grow because we live so far away from eachother and it would be impossible for it to work. Also, he is really unhappy in his job at the moment and doesn't know what to do with his life... and only came out of that turbulent relationship with the other girl a few months ago so doesn't want to jump into another.

 

He wanted us to spend some time with eachother, chilled and relaxed and to see how it goes.. and I messed it up by getting emotional. Just all of the emotions and feelings from the past came back, and I got very confused. I got really upset and asked him whether he loved his ex as much as he used to love me, and I mentioned how he always used to say how special what we had was, but if he had that with this most recent ex then I didn't have a right to have these feelings.

 

I told him I didn't want this to be it, that I wanted us to see eachother again.. and if we still have a connection and feelings after this long, then we can try and make it work.

He told me he feels a connection, and chemistry and attraction but he kept saying he's really messed up, that hes gone through the worst 2 years of his life and just wants to be relaxed and chill and not think of anything. Then he just became really cold with me and told me he needs space.

 

I told him I'd give it to him, but I don't know how he could be so cold with me after being so amazing just 24 hours earlier. I know I scared him, but how do I fix this? I feel like we had a real chance here, but now I've ruined it I know he's going through a rough time right now, but I want to be here for him. I feel like I've lost him all over again

 

He said he can't be normal now after everything that happened. I can't remember everything that I was saying, everything just spiralled out of control... I was drunk and feel like all of my insecurities and feelings from the past just flooded back and just clouded my judgement and common sense. I feel like I stepped back in the past 3 years ago and lost everything I've worked on myself.

 

I tried explaining to him what happened but now he won't talk to me. Will he ever come back? I feel like I've lost him now forever

[CatsMeeoow]

He is going through a break up. Its extremely common to look to your past to help in these transitions. He reached out because he was curious... things ended up with sex pretty quickly... curiosity solved hence the immediate distance.

 

You mentioned your prior relationship was argumentative and he shares with you his recent one was turbulent. The two of you went from googly eyes to spiraling out of control in no time flat. Perhaps things for him haven't changed so much as for yourself.

 

You moved on before. I don't think he is going to call unless he is just wanting sex. He isn't looking for an immediate relationship - he hasn't gotten over the prior one yet.

[Clio]

YOU DID NOT MESS ANYTHING UP. You need to stop taking all the responsibility for HIS actions. This is a relationship that does not work. It did not work then and it does not work now. He is emotionally unavailable and can't handle getting too close to someone. That is why you felt and still feel insecure. The mistake you are making is not listening to your inner voice warning you and blaming it all on you instead. It's him not you. You felt insecure because you had good reason and the reasons are still there. It is NOT your fault that he can't handle getting too close. The problem is that he hasn't changed. He still repeats the same pattern. You would be better off if you stopped blaming yourself for HIS shortcomings and find someone who is emotionally available. For that to happen you need to stop waiting around for him to change and move on with your life. You need to become emotionally available yourself because your iterpretation of things and being stuck on him like that implies that you aren't.

[lavenderdove]

OK, the problem is that life moves on. You have both had experiences since you were last together, and you can't just instantly step back into having a relationship after 24 hours together having not seen each other for 3 years and also having had significant issues that split you up to begin with.

 

I think he moved on with his life, whereas you wanted to press the hold or pause button for years to 'grow up,' with the expectation that it was 'meant to be' and hence he'd just fall right into step with you and you'd pick up as if nothing had changed when you saw him years later. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. So you got upset because of the huge gap between your expectations of how he should behave/be vs. how he acted.

 

I think you took a little trip down memory lane with him, but then when he sobered up he realized you had very high expectations of picking up where you left off, whereas he is still healing from a bad relationship and probably was expecting just a nice little vacation/trip down memory lane and nothing more, and it took way too serious a turn. So he turned cold on you because he suddenly realized what your expectations where, and also knew he didn't want to be in a relationship right now at all so he needed to throw a wall up to let you know he's not going down that road with you.

 

He was talking to you about practicalities (you live too far apart, he's coming out of a relationship and doesn't want to leap into a new one) and just wanting to have a little light fun, while the script of 'we can pick up where we left off and were meant to be together' was running in overdrive in your head so it spooked him.

 

What you have just learned is that 'do-overs' frequently don't work, especially when it sounds like he isn't really interested in a do-over and was just having a nice time catching up with an ex and it spun out of control. And the reality is he probably doesnt want to get back together based on his behavior (or not right now) and your expectations for the relationship being serious are very high and he knows that. So he knows what you are looking for and what he is looking for are two different things. He's just not in the market for a serious relationship now, and there are some large obstacles to overcome like living distant from one another, and he may not be interested in trying any kind of long-distance romance (many people won't do that).

 

So you need to respect his choice that he is not interested in relationship and only wants things light and easy in his life, with no drama. So you need to stop giving him drama and clutching him like a drowning woman. And give up on your expectations that you were 'meant to be' or that he is the one for you, because frankly it takes two people to feel that way and he's just not feeling it.

 

So what can you do? You can wait a while then send him an email apologizing for the drama. And telling him if he changes his mind and decides he's ready to date again, he should call you. then let it go and keep dating other men. You may or may not hear from him again, but really work on reducing the fantasy factor where you just assume you two were meant for each other. That is a one-sided fantasy at this point, and is working against you because you get upset when your expectations are not met and that will put real pressure on whoever you are dating if you run those 'meant to be' scripts in your head when really nothing is 'meant to be' and a relationship is a negotiation and agreement between 2 people who both must feel the same way or it doesn't work out.

 

And if you are really insecure in all your relationships you should consider counseling to get a grip on that. But do it to improve your life, not with the goal of getting him back because that may or may not happen.

[lavenderdove]

btw, i don't think this 'slipped thru your fingers.' I think you went into this with very high hopes that you'd get back together, whereas he was only interested in a fun hookup and trip down memory lane and nothing more than that. And he definitely isn't in the market for a relationship AND he doesn't want to do the long distance thing, so he's focusing on what he wants to do in his life/career rather than on dating or being in a relationship.

 

So you although you saw this as your big chance, it really wasn't the opportunity you thought it was, because he wasn't in the market for a relationship with you for a variety of reasons. So what happened is you took a fun little vacation with an ex WAY too seriously and thought it was a big chance, but it really wasn't. He just isn't interested in starting another big relationship with you.

 

And of course he originally murmured a few 'sure, maybe we can hook up now and again' in your direction becasue he'd just slept with you and didn't want to appear a total cad like he'd sleep with you once then never speak to you again. But it really sounds like that opportunity to re-start the relationship was never really there. It was an opportunity to catch up with an ex and have a little FWB action with him, but it wasn't the promise of a relationship or even really the opportunity for one either. You and he just want different things out of life right now, and he's made that very clear so you need to accept that and not continue to run the script in your head that you were meant to be because he doesn't feel the same way.

[brokenlove]

I think you need to work on your insecurities and expectations. And with guys, most are not too happy when you're trying to push a relationship on them, and that is what it feels like when you tell them about feelings when they haven't told you anything about feelings. Do some inner work, guided meditations can really help. You have to be happy with yourself. Find out what causes you to have all these insecurities.

 

Get to a place where you can be OK with letting go of a guy even if you really like him and wished he would stay in your life. You get there by realizing that YOU are valuable and that anyone who walks out of your life is losing something special as well. You have to get to a place where you truly believe that. Live a life that makes YOU happy, so that a guy is an addition to that happiness, not the basis for it.

 

And make sure you never have sex with someone unless you are at a place where you DON'T have expectations. For some that may mean waiting until in a committed relationship, marriage, or it could be much sooner. You just have to make sure you are taking care of you and your feelings, because the only person you can control is yourself.

 

Good luck honey.

[flow90]

Thanks for all the replies... I am trying to figure out why I reacted in such an emotional manner, when its just not me. I may have been like that when I was younger, and I thought I had grown out of that... I am thinking of seeing a therapist, to try and understand why this happened, and why I can't just forget about him

 

I did message him when I left and apologised for being emotional, but it was too much for me to handle in that moment and I was so confused. And I told him I'd give him time and space..

 

Lavenderdove - you say I should tell him if he changes his mind to let me know, but isn't that showing I am still waiting for him? Isn't that a turn off for a man? Haven't I just turned him off enough by emotional outburst?

 

I forgot to mention that when I left he hugged me really tight and kissed my head, and told me he wished it hadn't end up like this. I didn't want the hug to end, and it didn't seem like he did either. I know he has feelings for me, either he is scared of them... or he just wants to be alone right now... I don't know. But I can't just forget about him and move on... not after everything thats happened.

I will give him time, and see if maybe he will come back once we have both had time to ourselves.. Do you think its possible for him to come back after what happeend?

[brokenlove]

Anything is possible, but there's no guarantee. My ex has started contacting me again and although I'm open to taking him back I'm at a point where I'm OK if he doesn't want to get back together. You can only keep moving forward, if he wants to be with you, he'll find you and let you know.