What I am still struggling with still 2.5 months after breakup

[miss_sunshine]

Hi everyone. I am almost 3 months post breakup after my boyfriend of 11.5 years broke up with me as he still did not know if he wanted marriage and kids. He has only contacted me twice, once a text and another email and I did not respond. I am struggling the most with accepting that we will probably never see each other again. That he could go from one day planning to buy a house with me, sleeping next to me every night, sharing our lives together to nothing.

 

And I understand that he would have been distancing himself emotionally for months, I get all that. But at the same time I struggle that I lived with this person for a decade, I shared my hopes and dreams and built a life with this person who can just walk away and not look back. I can not believe that he was such a cold hearted person underneath it all. I never saw this side of him and it hurts so much that I never really knew him and he was so cold and uncaring at the end. I was living all the time with someone who was never really committed to me, never really sure about us, was so selfish, was telling me he wanted to marry me and it was all lies.

 

The rejection is crippling, the pain is so immense and the embarrassment and shame I feel is hard and I just feel like the girl that gets dumped. I have only had two relationships, one that was 1.5 years when I was 18 and he left me and then my boyfriend of 11 years left me once at the 6 year mark and again at 11 years. I feel like what is the point of love sometimes? I am an open, honest, loyal person and I truly love with all my heart and both times my trust has been betrayed and my partners have just walked away and I never knew something was wrong. Am I just stupid, or do you never see it coming?

 

It just seems so unfair sometimes as I didn't do anything wrong, I was a good girlfriend, he told me all the right things, how are you supposed to trust people when they just break your heart and leave you like you were nothing to them?

 

And please be nice in your replies. I am moving on, I am going out with friends, doing new things, meeting new people so I am not sitting around dwelling on it all day, but it just hurts so much. And I still just do not understand what happened and I am struggling to accept that this is who he really is and how much time, love and effort I wasted on someone who in hindsight never deserved it.

[Ms Darcy]

Relationships are voluntary and they represent where you are and how you feel at a moment in time.

 

Leaving you isn't breaking your trust. Cheating or lying is breaking the trust. But when we get into a relationship, we don't promise never to leave (and if we do then that should mean engagement).

 

You can be the perfect person and ultimately not be right for the other person. No one is at fault; it's just not a great fit for them.

 

If a man leaves you after 6 years together, though, let him STAY GONE. That was enough time for him to figure out if he wanted a future with you. Don't hang around with your fingers crossed.

[courtneyross52]

I must say I am proud of you for putting yourself back out there and trying to move forward. Most girls mope around for months even years before they actually move on. But I think 3 months ago he made the worst mistake of his life. Listen to me, you did absolutely NOTHING wrong. It is something on his end in his head that made him decide he wasn't ready. There was nothing you could do to prevent it. He is at fault, however, for technically leading you on for 11 years. The fact that he was willing to buy a house with you and then he just left you is not okay. I think even if he does come back you need to take that into serious consideration and remember how much he hurt you. Nobody is worth a broken heart let alone two or three. Keep doing what you are doing and occupy yourself with new hobbies and don't reply back to him. He isn't worth your time. Stay positive!

[weathergirl]

It just seems so unfair sometimes as I didn't do anything wrong, I was a good girlfriend, he told me all the right things, how are you supposed to trust people when they just break your heart and leave you like you were nothing to them?

 

You trust people by judging everyone as an individual person...not as part of an entire group of people who are so dysfunctional and toxic that you can't trust them.

 

Your ex was ONE person, not a group of people. He is one person who was not good to you or right for you. He hurt you, I get that, but again he is only one person and trust me there "are" good people out there (men and woman) who are very trustworthy.

 

What you need to do is learn to trust YOURSELF and your OWN judgment and intuition, so you are able to weed out the bad from the good.

 

Learn from this experience. Realize the mistakes you made, and vow to never make those mistakes again.

 

You said you NEVER saw this insensitive, cruel side of him. Not to sound insensitive...but could it be you weren't paying attention and "saw" only what you wanted to see? I mean, you were with him for 11.5 years, surely there had to be at least "some" signs. People ALWAYS show us who they are, problem is when we are in love, we have blinders on and don't want to see, until they dump us...and then we're like "wha???".

 

In your next relationship (and trust me there WILL be a next RL), vow to take off the blinders and pay attention. And when you notice red flags, you pull back, you don't move closer in an attempt to be a better girlfriend. That's the wrong approach.

 

Anyway, I could go on...but hopefully you understand my point. He's only ONE guy, there are MANY guys out there who are great guys. Once you learn how to trust your own intuition and weed out the bad guys from the good guys... you WILL eventually meet and fall in love with a great guy.

 

The key is, DON'T let this one experience with this ONE man taint your idea about men, people and relationships. If you do, you will become bitter and cynical...which will make it very difficult if not impossible for you to trust "any" man....all because of how this ONE man behaved. That would be very sad, don't you think?

 

Please don't allow that to happen, because it would not be fair to all those future good guys you WILL meet who WILL want to have a healthy loving committed RL with you... and who have done nothing to warrant your mistrust. YOU and you alone have control over that.

 

It's gonna take time for you to absorb all this and introspect about these things....so take your time. It will all make sense eventually.

[itsallgrand]

It's ok babydoll. It's going to be ok. You were with him a long time. A big chunk of your life on this earth. Of course it is going to take some time!

 

I do not think you are stupid at all. I think you are human, you loved this man, and you wanted to believe that somehow it would all work out in the end. On a day to day basis, I'm guessing the relationship seemed rather good. You shared things together, and I can not truly know, but I would guess he did love you too. He just couldn't offer what you want in the long haul...a relationship that is the forever one...marriage...sharing a home together...all that good stuff.

 

I think as you get more time to process, you'll start to see some stuff you overlooked because...well, your own reasons. You'll find things you can learn from this, so you do not repeat it again.

 

Try to be kind to yourself. There are a hell of a lot of worse mistakes you could have made in life. And you are still the kind, loving woman you always were.

 

Going forward, you simply will be better at knowing what you are willing and not willing to wait out. You waited a long time for him, and as the pain subsides a little bit, I think you'll see how that was your choice. It may still make you angry that he chose as he chose, but knowing how much responsibility and choice you had here, will help prevent you from replaying this in the future and to getting closer to what it is you want.

[No1]

3 months after 11years is hardly enough time to get over things. This is going to take time for sure so dont put time limits. Now if you were dating for 8 weeks and you were still hurt, then this would be different.

As I said before, One could make no mistakes and still lose, its life. Im very sorry you have to go thru this. And your journey to healing is going to be extremely hard, but you will get over this. It might take time plus therapy but you will get over this. Im not saying that you go out and find another man tomorrow. Another man is not the answer to what you need. You just need time to discover who you are. You have been with this guy for so long that you might not know exactly who you are. You were this guys girlfriend for so long that you lost yourself in him, now that he is gone you just dont know what to do because you dont know who you are.

Now, I could be way way off, so if Im wrong and you are talking to the screen saying Im crazy, then Im sorry, just trying to help you out. (after all this site is free)

First thing is first, your X loves you, he cares for you and if your mind is thinking in any other way.. forget it, its not true, he loves you he just doesnt want to marry you. He misses you, he thinks of you and you cant say you two will never talk again, thats the protective side of you speaking. Odds are that you two will talk soon. So I hope that puts your mind at ease.

Look into counseling if you are able to get it. I dont think I can say anything to help you but know that you will be happy again. Today it doesnt seem like it but you will be.. When one is going thru hell, you keep going.

[catfeeder]

Nobody is over a breakup of a long term relationship in a couple months, so don't be hard on yourself. Grief is difficult and feels freakish and has cycles of feeling okay to feeling lousy in the next minute. That's natural, but none of it is a setback--it's a process. And it takes t.i.m.e.

 

Head high.

[Joanne19852010]

When reading your post I felt as if you could of been talking about me my first boyfriend left me for someone else after nine years my second after two and a half. I was always faithful to both and forgiving. I think what you have to remember that it is not our fault these relationships weren't meant to be. That's the only way we can think. A few days ago I wondered to myself what is the point if everyone is just going to hurt me. Today I'm looking at it differently I can choose now how I want my life to be I can mould it to make myself happy and then if someone comes along if they leave at least I will still have me to be happy with.

[samy]

Babydoll don't worry. It is for me three months today and you know what, I feel so much better than two weeks ago. It will happen to you as well, you will feel okayish, maybe not great but you come to terms. When I have a set back I will think that I can feel better as it had happened already.

 

I also thought I must be stupid not to see the signs but really after all this time together it is not stupid, and your ex was quite good at masking his true colours with the right words and that was what they were: words. Only.

 

I am sure it is only a matter of luck so for now you/we have been unlucky and paired off with the wrong guy but it does mean that we are closer to a right one and in seven billion people there is more than one who is right.

 

I am not NC yet as he keeps coming to the house (He doesn't want to give it all up then ) even if it is not strictly necessary as I can take care of my old cat but you know I feel fine Idon't cry anymore. Yes I am sometime sad if I think that precisely one year ago we bought our first house and we were so happy we did it and see what happened but well happens and it is how one deals with it .

 

Keep up with your good work and as it will get better.

 

One trick is also to set some achievable timed goals and the feel of efficacy when they are completed will make you feel great and boost your self esteem.

 

You are great and you know it. You will soon find someone who will feel so lucky to have you. Think of your ex as a minor aberration

[miss_sunshine]

Wow, every single one of you taught me something new in your reply. There are truly amazing people on this site, thanks so much everyone. I am so very grateful and I had a few tears over some of the responses, they really hit the mark. It is very hard to talk to friends and family about just how sad you feel as they just want to see you happy. It is not that they do not care, they just do not understand as none of them have been through significant breakups so it really helps to hear from others in the same situation.

 

It is very true that I did have my blinders on and there were things about my ex that were not quite perfect but I still never thought this would happen. He is quite selfish by nature, and weathergirl that is so true that you should not get closer when you see warning sides. I do tend to think if only I was a better girlfriend, or tried harder and that is very true that this is the time you should step back and I should not always blame myself or see it as something I am doing wrong.

 

I am using this time to learn more about myself, grow and learn from this experience. I was 19 when I met my ex and now I am 31 and I am sure I will make a much better decision in a partner this time, not that I am intetrested in dating right now anway. And if the next man leaves me, I will never give them a second chance. I realise now that I should have just let him leave the first time and not got back with him. But there is no point regretting that decision as I can not change it now.

 

The good thing is that I now know just how strong I can be and that I am okay on my own. I kept myself very busy this weekend and I start a new job tomorrow so that is keeping my mind occupied.

 

Thank you all again so much!