Disillusioned With The Dating Game

[pash3]

I've just been feeling really low. I've been single five months after coming out of a three and a half year relationship. We owned a place together and lived together for two of those years.

 

It felt really easy and simple getting into that relationship. The same with my relationship before that one.

 

I've been on six dates since being single and they haven't led anywhere. Two of the guys I haven't been interested in, one of the guys said he wasn't looking for anything serious, one was really into me and wanted to meet up again but afterwards said he was confused about dating because he wanted to concerntrate on his career (only just moved to London for the new job), the other said he had a lovely time but the conversation fizzled out a week after the date and the last I went on a date with who I really like but I'm not sure of his intentions.

 

What happened to the days where it was so simple, you liked a guy, he liked you, you decided to see each other, it then become exclusive and you decided to see each other more long term.

 

I'm a good looking girl, confident but modest, interesting, fun and ambitious. I think I'm a catch and I'm a great date, so why do all these guys leave me feeling like I'm not good enough?

 

I'm just typing out loud really, most people I speak to say I should embrace being single but I like being in a relationship and having that special person to talk to, spend time with, create memories with. I just feel pretty crap and feel a bit used from all these dates.

[annie24]

yeah, dating is not easy, and you have to sort through a lot of chaff to get to the wheat, or however that saying goes.... chin up.

[happpybear]

I've been single five months after coming out of a three and a half year relationship. We owned a place together and lived together for two of those years.

 

This is really soon to be dating after a LTR like this. Perhaps it is too soon to be dating?

[sonicfan287]

Hi, Pash3

 

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having a rough time finding someone but you're not alone (far from it). Relationships are often hard to "fall into" and while you'll find some suitors better than others (and I hesitate to use the term 'better' because all human beings have something to offer), it really is a tough thing to figure out. I've been single for almost 3 years now since my last relationship which was found in a similar manner in which we hit it off on our first date and took it from there. Since then, I've had a handful of "okay" dates with okay people who were honest with me at the very least and usually weren't interested.

 

I agree that there are benefits to being single, but like yourself I look for someone to be with as well. Perhaps you should take a break from dating for now? Get your bearings back and then try again. There's no need to continue on for the time being if it's not working out, and I'm sure the right guy will come along

[pash3]

I don't think it is really soon, the last year of the relationship was pretty indifferent/non-existent. We're still friends (as we have to be owning the flat) but I haven't been thinking about the relationship or our memories. They died a long time ago sadly. It does feel like I've been single for more like a year than three months. I'd built up my confidence and independence whilst in the relationship.

 

I'm so much more together with dating and confident about it than 6 years ago. I just don't understand why it's never worked out. It seemed before with online dating, people were there because they wanted to be in a relationship. Now it seems to be full of people who need their ego boosting or like to play games. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. i don't expect to dating to turn into a relationship but I don't even get a second date.

[shellyf62]

Online dating is hard. A lot are married, a lot are looking for FWB, a lot are just time wasters.....you need to try & weed out these ones and go from there.

 

I used to meet every guy I had a nice conversation with, but that was just too much. Now I try & cull the "not right for me ones" early, and concentrate on the ones that match my deal breaker list. (it isn't that long, but I have found it works for me).

 

Good luck

[notalady]

Agree with Shelly's approach.

 

Unfortunately yes online dating is hard, and you will be having a lot of dates that don't end up going anywhere either because you didn't like them enough or vice versa. I don't suspect it's anything you've done or anything about you, I think it's just the nature of it. I know it's not everyone's thing. I've met way more than 6 guys. I think it's all about how you look at the whole experience. The way I look at it is, go in without expectations, and think of it as just a casual drink/coffee/lunch, for an hour max, where you get to meet new people, if it goes somewhere, great, if not, I haven't lost anything. I also always make it a time and place that is convenient for me (and obviously works for the guy as well), I wouldn't go out of my way to meet them. The best for me is either lunch on a week day, since I have to have lunch anyway (and there is a time limit where you have to leave, so you won't get stuck on a bad date), or after work drink (again, nothing too serious or time committing).

[SooSad33]

Maybe it's them.. they don't feel quite right about themselves?

 

And yes, you've not been out of a relationship long. You said you've been out with 6? in last few months?

Have you accepting & dealt with your long term relationship BU at all?

Usually one needs time to work on accepting it & healing etc. To be more emotionally & mentally stable.

[Ms Darcy]

Well there are guys you don't like either. I'm sure the guys you rejected were catches too. Think about that one.

[ManyDates]

Online dating is hard. A lot are married, a lot are looking for FWB, a lot are just time wasters.....you need to try & weed out these ones and go from there.

 

I used to meet every guy I had a nice conversation with, but that was just too much. Now I try & cull the "not right for me ones" early, and concentrate on the ones that match my deal breaker list. (it isn't that long, but I have found it works for me).

 

Good luck

 

Good advice ^^

 

Meeting everyone that you find attractive and have nice conversations with online is a sure fire way to waste copious amounts of time and weekends. I think deep down we all know if it has a chance or not before even meeting - but we meet anyway. I've met 36+ girls in around 6 months - think I ended up mutually getting along with around 6-7 of them.

 

OP - if you and I were chatting, and I found out that you were so recently out of a LTR I wouldn't give you the time of day. Just my 2 cents...sorry. You're looking for an ex-replacement, not a BF (from my exp.)

[notalady]

Good advice ^^

 

Meeting everyone that you find attractive and have nice conversations with online is a sure fire way to waste copious amounts of time and weekends. I think deep down we all know if it has a chance or not before even meeting - but we meet anyway. I've met 36+ girls in around 6 months - think I ended up mutually getting along with around 6-7 of them.

 

OP - if you and I were chatting, and I found out that you were so recently out of a LTR I wouldn't give you the time of day. Just my 2 cents...sorry. You're looking for an ex-replacement, not a BF (from my exp.)

 

5 months isn't that short, I was way over my 2.5 year relationship by the time it was 5 months. My ex however still hasn't moved on now 9 months down the road. It all depends on the individual and if they feel like they were over it and had emotionally moved on, I think it's not fair to write someone off immediately because of that. And really, is it realistic to expect someone to waste, for example, an additional year of their life, staying single after having already invested 3.5 years in that relationship, especially if they want to get married and start a family and at an age where not a lot of years are left where you can do that.

 

If she was still thinking about her ex and mourning the ended relationship, sure by all means she should take time alone to recover emotionally, but she said she was way ready to move on, I don't see why people thinks it's obligatory that she should still take a set amount of (not insignificant) time off to "heal" when there is nothing to heal.

[John John]

I'm almost two years out of a brutal breakup from a 5 year relationship (she was my first love, which of course, has exacerbated my issues). Longer than yours, but 3.5 years is a long time too, and 5 months is honestly a drop in the bucket (even if you feel like you had emotionally abandoned the relationship before you guys broke up). I basically was an idiot and denied myself the chance to feel what I was feeling, and jumped back into dating way too soon. I think that set me back a good amount, but live and learn, right?

 

I'd like to think I am a catch too. I personally feel that dating kinda blows, and is somewhat akin to a (many times, thankless) full-time job (especially if you're serious about finding a long-term relationship). It's also very expensive if you're a guy lol, at least you have a slight advantage there. But unfortunately, like most good things in life, we have to go through a lot of sh*t to get it, so dating is a necessary evil. I'm still enjoying my nice sabbatical from dating, and have just been doing the FWB thing here and there. I just have no desire to date with the goal of a relationship, because I too got tired of the disappointments.

 

Moreover, while online dating has been pretty good to me, I'm almost entirely over it. I know it works for so many people, but after you've done it for a while, you start to see how contrived it can really be. So I'm at the point where I've just stopped really looking (aside from hookups, which I have a few to look forward to) for any serious. Maybe it will magically find me lol.

 

Hang in there OP - you are definitely not alone in your sentiments

[DepthOfField]

Dating and Online dating is really really tough.

You're going to get results all over the map.

You'll meet flakes, really nice guys that you simply won't click with, quiet guys, liars, guys that won't like you back, and the list goes on.

 

The reality is that it's just a numbers game. You will have to go through many people to find the few you'll really click with. Don't spend too much time online chatting, use online as an introduction and get to meet in person as quickly as possible.