Just cannot end 3+ year unhealthy relationship...advice?

[Elikat44]

About 3 ½ years ago, I met my current boyfriend. We were in stopped traffic on a beautiful June summer day so our car windows were down. I was feeling great – the sun was shining, I was in great shape, my kids were happy and I just started a terrific new job. We began flirting and feeling a little daring I exchanged numbers with him. He was sweet enough, though clearly younger (10 years) than me and really not my type. He began calling right away and I responded to him sporadically. I really wasn’t too interested – he was a little rough around the edges. Finally, nearly four months later, I agreed to meet him on a whim for a drink and movie. He was surprisingly fun and attentive – in fact, our relationship started out fast and furious. We have been together nearly every day since…

 

However, today I feel like I am not myself. I am depressed, overweight, my kids are disappointed in me and all of my relationships with family and friends have been strained or, worse, lost. I’m tense at work. I don’t enjoy my life as I once did – I don’t recognize myself, nor do I like the person I have become. The relationship with my boyfriend, which I have attempted many times to sever, has been marked by physical and verbal abuse, distrust, jealously, financial loss and real disappointment. My future, once secure and promising, seems a little bleak to me now. And for some reason, I just cannot get away.

 

About two weeks into the relationship, my boyfriend exhibited that something was very wrong. We were sitting in my living room one night and I fell asleep on the sofa. He went into a rage, screaming at me in my living room because I wasn’t giving him enough attention. I retreated to my bedroom and laid on my bed with my back to him, thinking that not responding would diffuse the situation. He kept screaming, while sitting on my bed, and began poking me violently with his finger on my shoulder. I asked him to leave my home, but he refused. I had never experienced anything like this – I was shocked and frightened. I think I later even minimized the event because it was so surreal.

 

Over the next year, the violence and verbal abuse got increasingly worse – and, to my own shame, I engaged as well. Our episodes would largely occur over a slight he perceived (not showing him enough affection, giving him enough attention) and/or his accusations (he interrogated me constantly). Initially, his abuse shocked and outraged me and I would attempt to end the relationship. Though, each time I forgave him it began to become more “normal.” In time, if I felt backed into a corner, I would go on the offensive. I figured if I was louder, more aggressive, that would deter his assaults. For example, if he called me a vulgar name (his favorites are the ”c” word, , etc), I would slap him BUT that would result in a more severe injury to me. It progressed until finally he ended up slamming my head into a wall and causing me to have 18 stitches. That was about two years ago - that was nearly the last time he was physical with me.

 

However, in addition, he has been unfaithful. Despite professing his undying love for me two weeks into our relationship, I learned about a month later he was carrying on two relationships with other women who were giving him gifts (i.e. a car), money and paying his bills. I was devastated – I confronted the women and it seemed to end those relationships (which resulted in him losing his home and car). Just a year ago, I learned he had carried on a four month sexual relationship with a woman who was giving him money. However, he is constantly accusing me of being shady and I’ve had to go out of my way to prove that I am loyal and to constantly reassure him I am not cheating on him.

 

Over the last year, his bad behavior seems to have dissipated, I believe, because he has become increasingly dependent on me. He has gotten and lost at least ten jobs over the past several years – despite my helping him to build a resume and encouraging him to think about his future. After losing his home (owned by his parents but he was supposed to pay on the mortgage) and car about two years ago, he moved in with me- it was supposed to be temporary but he is still at my house and I cannot seem to persuade him to leave. I don’t pay his bills (probably because he doesn't have any), but most of the time when we go out to lunch or dinner I do pick up the tab. I’ve also paid for vacations (most of them ruined because of his insecure behavior) and other outings. Finally, about four months ago, he finally got a job he likes and a car. It seems he is starting to get on his feet...though the next step is his finding his own place. The problem is that I have no idea when he will be able to afford to do so, and the thought of wasting any more time in a relationship that I don't see a real future really scares me. I'm 44 - and this certainly isn't where I thought my life would be at this stage of the game.

 

Yes, it seems pathetic that I’ve stayed with him. He is just so very persistent, and every time I've attempted to end our relationship he would always call and/or text to apologize, promise "it" (whatever bad behavior) wouldn’t happen again, and tell me he loved me more than anything in the world. If I blocked his calls, he showed up at my home and or office in tears. Everytime I break down and give in. I also am ashamed that I have done and said things in this relationship I have never done in any other.

 

Any thoughts anyone has for resources would be most helpful. Thanks for reading!

[safenow]

I know how these relationships creep up on you and I do feel for you. Put your kids first if you can't put yourself first. I stayed with my ex thinking my kids would fall apart to see him go. In fact, they are doing better than ever. Don't be afraid to let go. It is like a drug, horrible withdrawal symptoms, but finally peace.

[Moontiger]

I think you need an exit plan. Before you break up with him figure out 1) Where you are going to be living 2) How to keep him out of your life 3) Set up your support system.

 

#3 will make #2 much easier. You know this guy, you KNOW what he is going to say to you. You KNOW what he will do if you don't respond to him. This knowledge allows you to plan. Example, if he shows up at your work, you say "Please leave. I'm working and you are making me uncomfortable." If he stays "Again, please leave. If you don't I'll have to call the cops." And follow through!!!

 

Now, keep records of when and how he tries to contact you. Everytime make it clear to him you want no contact, then get a restraining order.

 

Your support system: Contact a women's crisis shelter or hotline. They will be able to provide you support and resources. Contact your family and tell them your plan and that you really need there support to not break down and take him back, do the same thing with friends you are still in contact with.

 

If you ever have one thought about taking him back, think about your kids. Say their names over and over until the thought goes away.

[ThatwasThen]

Have you contacted an abused woman's hotline and discussed your options with them? Called the police to have him escorted out of your home? Talked to a lawyer about how you can get him out and keep him away from you?

 

If you haven't done any of those things then please do (at least) the things that will help you to get the strength to get him out and keep him out of your life. You're severely codependent and lacking in personal boundaries and that is why this has escalated to where he's living with you instead of you telling him early on that you do not want a relationship with someone like him. I tell you this because a co-dependents anonymous group or even Al-anon will help you to understand enough to give you the strength you need to let go.

 

Break the cycle. Your children, please tell us, have not been witnessing this dysfunction which will teach them that what they are seeing is the normal way men and woman treat each other. Surely you don't want them thinking that they can abuse women and/or that women are to be abused.

 

Call the hotline now and get him away from you and your children for GOOD. Then work on your own self-worth so that you learn to truly believe that you deserve to be with someone that honour and respects you and values you. First you have to value yourself though.

 

Here is a link that may help you to get started to do what you NEED to do A.S.A.P.

 

link removed

 

Be strong and get going NOW!

[lavenderdove]

Please re-read your own post. With the eyes of what you would tell a friend if she just wrote down that story.

 

This guy is abusive, violent, a liar, a cheater, a gigolo for money, a freeloader, and is totally ruining your life and mental health. I think you should call a women's shelter and ask their advice about getting him out of your house safely, since violent men can be very dangerous if they think it is over.

 

If you have the courage, wait til he is out of your house for a day and while he is gone, have a bunch of people over and pack up all his stuff and cart it to a storage facility and pay one month's rent at the facility. And change your locks that same day. Then tell him that due to past violence, you are calling him on the phone to tell him to not come home, and tell him where his stuff is and leave the key with the storage place with information that will allow him to retrieve it. He has a job now, so he can support himself and go to a hotel or stay with friends until he finds a place for himself.

 

If he starts to get abusive when you tell him it's over, just hang up the phone. And don't take his calls or texts. Tell him if he doesn't stop bothering you, you'll call the police, and do it. Tell your people at work what you are dealing with, and that all people are to turn him away if he shows up, and call the police if he gets aggressive.

 

You are your own worst enemy here because you are allowing this to continue. Women's shelters have very good advice on getting a plan to get a potentially violent and manipulative man out of your house and life safely, so please use that resource. And immediately schedule some personal counseling to get help understanding why you put up with this and to provide you with support after the breakup.

[Elikat44]

 

If you have the courage, wait til he is out of your house for a day and while he is gone, have a bunch of people over and pack up all his stuff and cart it to a storage facility and pay one month's rent at the facility. And change your locks that same day. Then tell him that due to past violence, you are calling him on the phone to tell him to not come home, and tell him where his stuff is and leave the key with the storage place with information that will allow him to retrieve it. He has a job now, so he can support himself and go to a hotel or stay with friends until he finds a place for himself.

 

This is great advice...thanks! And, I agree, I'm in my own way - I've ended relationships before for far less. This isn't a pattern for me - for some reason, this guy succeeds in making me feel sorry for him, rather than getting in touch with how I should REALLY feel...

[Elikat44]

Thanks for taking the time to read my rather long post everyone...your comments are appreciated and the advice is helpful.

 

My children are older and not HIS, thank goodness...I divorced about ten years ago and have been living independently and STRONGLY for years until this current relationship. The house is MINE, so going to a shelter is not an option.

 

The kids havent witnesses the brawling, but theyve seen my bruises and know the relationship is unhealthy.

[lavenderdove]

>> this guy succeeds in making me feel sorry for him, rather than getting in touch with how I should REALLY feel...

 

Remind yourself that there are far more worthy people/things in this world to 'feel sorry for' that might deserve your attention and volunteer work. Taking care of a lying, cheating, abusive gigolo is a waste of your time, money, heart, and energy. Devote your time, energy, money, and sympathy somewhere elsewhere it might actually have a positive impact and be for good, and be appreciated and valued.