Moving on to next step in our relationship, introducing daughter. Tips?

[needhelp6]

I'm seeing a woman who I'm confident is THE ONE; she's long-term and I hoping in the end marriage. This is our second time around dating and I'm confident had I had not just come off a break-up we never would have stopped seeing each other the first time around.

 

Anyway, I'm ready to introduce her to my daughter (going into middle school). I've spoken to some professionals and the consensus seems to be do it in a group type setting, casual introduction NOT ONE ON ONE. So any thoughts or experience on what works or doesn't? I'm thinking of maybe hosting a gathering, bbq/pool party over Labor Day and inviting some friends and their children over and making a casual introduction, introducing her as my friend . . . that doesn't sound right, my special friend, good friend?

 

Thoughts and experience here is greatly appreciated.

[SooSad33]

That sounds good. But I wouldn't emphasize how much of a friend she is to you.

Just say she's your friend...

[Ms Darcy]

How long have you been with her this time around?

[needhelp6]

@MsDarcy - I'd guess six weeks.

 

@soosad33 -Yes, I agree.

 

Chatting with my ex about this tonight and getting her input. We had an agreement that if we introduce her to someone we would discuss it. This is the first woman I've introduced her to. My college age step daughter has met her and seems to like her.

[IAmFCA]

Just introduce her by name, she needs no title such as friend etc.

 

Make it less of a big deal. This is a no drama situation. Have respect for your daughter to feel however she feels on the first meet. These two new people are not obligated to get along etc. Let your daughter develop the introduction at her own pace. Your daughter needs to feel comfortable that she is free to be in control of her feelings and relationship status. She must be polite, of course. Same as in any social setting.

 

Imagine if your daughter were an adult. You would introduce, then help a little with the conversation, then maybe keep it moving, or let them stay together, depending on the initial vibe.

[IAmFCA]

And pool party/BBQ is perfect. Other friends, everyone is friends, no pressure.

 

And please, just, This is ms betty, betty, Ms jones. Not my friend Betty etc.

 

You and your daughter are an inseparable team. Ms. Betty, this is my daughter Ernestine.

 

Then from Betty, Pleased to meet you Ernestine. Your father tells me you just returned from camp. For how long were you away? I would really like to hear more about camp. ... May I try to find you after I go get a hamburger?

[needhelp6]

@IThinkICan - I understand what you're saying and agree my daughter and I are an inseparable team, she's the most important person in the world to me. My college age "step-daughter" (wasn't married to her mother but raised her as if she was my own and we're still close) has met her, first meeting she was a complete to her, I think it was a carry over from a FWB relationship I had with a woman who was just a few years older than my step-daughter that really hurt her (long story). She came around and rather likes her now. I know if my daughter asks her sister about her she'll speak favorably. In-fact, I should probably discuss my intentions with step-daughter she can attend the event.

 

I view this as an ice breaker, getting the two of them on each others radar. The woman I'm dating is a sweetheart and she understands how important my daughter is to me.

 

Curious, why not say she's my friend? I assume you're saying because it's implied due to the fact that she's there?

[IAmFCA]

[quote=needhelp6;609878

Curious, why not say she's my friend? I assume you're saying because it's implied due to the fact that she's there?

 

Yes, the narrow reason is as you say: we don't tend to present our enemies for introduction at a social event. The broader reason is we don't categorize people. Its unseemly. We use a qualifier if it helps bring continuity: "This is Brad, he and I work together." That sort of qualifier helps spark conversation and build connections. "This is my friend Brad" is, well, he is not my lover, and he is not my mechanic, and is not my neighbor... as if each person you know fits into some slot, some role. She is who she is, on her own two feet, with no further need for definition.

 

Also, to your daughter's ears, friend is a loaded word. In 8th grade, one has friends, bfs, gfs, etc. They are specific terms. Its confusing to hear "my friend" when she presumes you are more intimate than that. Its distracting. And she doesn't want to think about it. And what if I hate her, you already have shoved her down my throat "my friend, so you better like her too". All implied, possible subconscious responses.

 

Let's say one has a friend, who then becomes a lover, then a gf, then a fiancee, then a wife. At which point do we use a qualifier? Only the fiancee & wife stages - that helps draw people into your lives, making connections. Until then, I really don't want to know whether you sleep together, what your intentions are, etc. That is private business until you make a public statement, such as we do when we declare our intent to marry.

 

(I am a little obsessive today! Must sleep more!)

 

I can't think of an argument in favor of using "friend"... ?

[needhelp6]

Everything is in place. Hosting Labor Day Weekend BBQ/Pool party, so far about 16 have RSVP'd, will be a couple of her playmates there.

 

Girlfriend is very nervous. I told her everything will be fine; honestly, I think the introduction will happen and then my daughter will run off with her friends not to be seen again for several hours.

 

Had a good conversation with the ex regarding the introduction (she's already done this once, however my daughter already knew the guy because he was a friend of ours, ugh, they're engaged now) and she gave me a few tips. Even offered to call my GF to put her at ease.

 

Any other tips?

[Silverbirch]

Just enjoy the day. I think don't let it be too big a deal, especially as you haven't been with this young woman for that long.

[IAmFCA]

The gf is nervous because maybe she's picked up on what a big deal this is for you. Explain to your gf that whatever happens, its just an introduction. Relationships are built slowly over time. There is no right way for this to go, so long as everyone is polite and nobody's company is imposed on anyone else. Whatever happens, its just Day 1 of a new stage of everyone knowing the others by voice and face. Its Day 50 60 etc that will matter.

 

Remember, your daughter's primary concern is that nobody will take you from her. If your daughter invites your gf to play, awesome! If she runs off with her friends, then she is processing/avoiding. Let her be.

[needhelp6]

The gf is nervous because maybe she's picked up on what a big deal this is for you. Explain to your gf that whatever happens, its just an introduction. Relationships are built slowly over time. There is no right way for this to go, so long as everyone is polite and nobody's company is imposed on anyone else. Whatever happens, its just Day 1 of a new stage of everyone knowing the others by voice and face. Its Day 50 60 etc that will matter.

 

Remember, your daughter's primary concern is that nobody will take you from her. If your daughter invites your gf to play, awesome! If she runs off with her friends, then she is processing/avoiding. Let her be.

I agree, she knows this is a big deal to me (I've probably made it an even bigger deal than it actually is, I have a tendency to do that, probably shocking to many here lol), I've yet to introduce her to any woman, it's a major milestone in our relationship.

 

GF and my "step-daughter" (daughter's college age 1/2 sister) are getting along surprisingly well. She'll be at the party and GF asked if I minded if she brought her a gift, a book that they'd discussed. This pleased me as if step-daughter is a fan and daughter goes to her with any concerns she'll be able to assure her she's OK. Thanks for the support, opinions and suggestions folks!

[needhelp6]

Here's an update for anyone interested:

 

GF was quite nervous but things went very well. Stepdaughter arrived late of course with my daughter, came and found us, I made the introduction, no labels just introduced her. Stepdaughter actually gave her a hug (they've met before) and my daughter was very polite, didn't seem to make anything more of it than an introduction and she ran off and played just as I thought she would. Not a lot of interaction until later that evening when most of the guests had left stepdaughter asked GF to get in the pool with them to play some games. They played for about an hour and seemed to get along well. I've got to be honest, it made me feel good that they would ask her to come play with them and I enjoyed watching them as I cleaned-up.

 

Girls stayed at my place that evening, GF left. At breakfast the next day my stepdaughter asked daughter, "what did you think of ____/GF?" Argh, I should have told her not to say anything but was on the edge of my seat to hear the answer. She had a couple of complements and the one I appreciated the most was "she's nice."

 

Spent the afternoon/evening/night next day with GF and she was very complementary of both daughters. Said she had a nice time with them and asked if I'd heard anything. Told her what my daughter had said and that brought a huge smile to her face and I'm pretty sure I saw a tear. That was pretty much the extent of the conversation. GF didn't push anything else nor did I.

 

Now that introduction is done I'm not sure how to proceed? I suppose organically but I'm not even sure how that works or what that means. I can't keep scheduling events for the two to be at together LOL, yet I don't want to now force them on each other, "hey lets all go to the movies." I'd like to integrate each of them into each others lives slowly but not sure how. What I thought was the hard part seems to only have created additional difficult moves.