Is there a future here? 1 yr no ILY. Please help!

[LinzyLoo]

Hi everyone.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to read this as I'm very confused. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 13 months now. We are in our early 30s. Everything is going really well, we spend a lot of time together, we have met each other's friends and family, and attended numerous life events together. I'm his first serious girlfriend, or as he says it, "girlfriend with an emotional connection." I've dated many men including a few LTRs and this is by far the best of the bunch. I consider him the one except for the fact that he can't tell me he loves me.

 

I gave him plenty of time at first, and didn't push until around month 8 when I brought it up casually. He said he wasn't sure and had some questions. He said that saying I love you should be saved for marriage and he didn't know what love felt like (and asked me what it felt like to me), was obviously upset me. He started evaluating our relationship based on a common interest and more analytical thoughts and summed up that yes, we were in a good place. It felt strange to me to analyze the relationship like this so I dropped it, but was devastated and pulled back as I was hurt. I think this took a toll on the relationship for a few months as I acted strange and we fought a bit more than usual.

 

Around the one-year mark I brought it up again, this time expecting a more affirmative answer, because more recently everything has been so great. He again said he wasn't sure which I took mean, NO. I told him I respected his idealistic notion that love should be saved for marriage, but I at least needed something more substantial that he cared for me and there was a long-term future to be held in this relationship. He asked me what I thought about other relationships I knew of and how did ours stack up? I placated him and named some relationships of my friends and why ours felt better but it felt beside the point. He said sometimes it feels great and other times it feels like we are two strangers sitting on a couch together. I told him I deserve a relationship with someone who cares about me and loves me I couldn't imagine himself with anyone but me, and I needed to move on. He started crying and I left the room. When I came back he told me he didn't want to lose me and he cared about me and he wanted to stay together. The next morning I told him I loved him and he said it back but I told him not to say unless he really meant it. He told me he deeply cares for me. He has not said it since. He planned a very romantic surprise for our one year anniversary and wrote me a sweet card. It feels like any time anything about our long-term future (moving in, marriage) together comes up he gets very jumpy.

 

I don't know what to do in this relationship because I'm getting older and I don't know if I'm wasting my time. I do feel like he cares about me and this is the best relationship I've ever been in but does he care about me enough to move it further? Am I just wasting my time? What should I do? It's always gnawing at me.

[IAmFCA]

He means what he says. He doesn't know what love is. It will take him a long time to know, and when he knows, it will have been true for a long while. His feelings are very remote within him, in general. Intimacy is not his thing.

 

How close do you feel in other respects? Are there any red flags you are ignoring, that you don't want to speak out loud even to yourself?

[Nike]

After a year a man in his 30's should know what love feels like and whether or not he wants you as a partner for life or not. This man clearly is fond of you but not ready for marriage, or is holding off for reasons he's not going to share with you. I think he's not going to commit and if you force the issue, he'll run, because he is afraid of commitment. I think you need to wise up about this, set a timeline and let the chips fall where they may before you are in so deep you can't recover. I found a similar issue to yours from a woman about your age and it might be worth hearing what those people had to say about it (How do I handle a commitment phoebe? It is on a site called leatherandlaceadvice)

[t1lersm0m1]

I don't think the fact that he hasn't said he loves you should bother you. I think you should evaluate how he treats you, and how you feel in the relationship.

 

If the lack of I love you is really hurting/bothering you, and you are unhappy, then that is cause enough to get out of the relationship. However, if everything else in the relatiionship is great aside from the missing three words, then i would seriously reconsider breaking up with him.

[panther]

From what you described, it seems he treats you like a queen. What more do you want? Let him save it for marriage if that is what he wants. Some things are or should be very special, and saying ILY is one of them.

 

Many will disagree with me here, but my honest opinion, love takes way more than one year. Some may need several years to know whether they are in love.

And it has absolutely nothing to do with him being sure that he wants to be with you, which he has proven to you in the last months.

 

Sorry I think you are making a huge drama about this.

[IAmFCA]

The only way it matters about the ILY is whether the OP is reacting to other red flags as well, and using the ILY as a catch all for a collection of issues that signal a limited level emotional connection, or a limited capacity to connect.

 

My cousin took 7 years to tell his GF he loves her, and it was only after she helped his family through the loss of their grandmother. They are married now, for some 20 years on.

[freewill1234]

I'm sure you've heard the quote ... "Actions speak louder than words." If there are no other red flags then stop over analyzing the 3 words he hasn't said to you. If he's treating you right, that's really all that matters.

[tattoobunnie]

Wait, so you're good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to share a statement? And when you tell him how important it is to you, he still isn't sure if he loves you. Actions do speak louder than words, and if he can't say it, and it upsets you, you're not the right match.

 

So, if I love you is saved for marriage, essentially, he should be able to marry anyone, and once you're married, you then share that you love eachother. His rationale on this makes zero sense. It's not a matter of romance - it's a pledge to the other that what you have is special. He's a grown man - has he never loved his family, friends, an animal, or does he has special needs, and is unable to feel certain emotions? Take him for his word. If he isn't saying that he loves you, he doesn't love you.

 

You deserve someone who will share those sentiments with you.

[JGintheOC]

Words don't mean anything unless their actions match it. If he treats you great: honest, is there for you, thinks of you, takes care of you, communicates with you etc. then that's obviously means he loves you.

 

People get so hung up on words. Are you really basing your entire relationship on three words? Maybe ILY means something higher to him than it does to you and he just doesn't throw it around. Maybe he's had alot of heart break in the past etc.

 

Point is...ILY isn't the epitome of what life is about or what a relationship is about.

[tattoobunnie]

Never met a relationship where one person needed to hear it, and the other didn't, and it survived.

 

This man told her straight out that he doesn't. This is how he makes sure marriage is not down the road anytime soon.

[IAmFCA]

Agree marriage is not the slightest bit imminent.

 

Agree that ILY is not the be all, end all.

 

Not sure what the ILY represents that is not otherwise in evidence.

 

Its only been a year. Many relationships take longer to unfold. It depends on the people. OP, your pace is frustrated by his pace. You simply may not be interested in risking further time on his lukewarm commitment level... if it IS lukewarm.

 

My own recent ex said the ILY, but would never have committed further anyway. I believe he loves me, but not more than he loves the comfort of being emotionally remote, or "indepedent" as he calls it. I ended it not for a lack of affection, but for a lack of intimacy, the spoken ILY notwithstanding.

 

For every story, there is a counter. Previously, I shared my cousin's 7 year wait to say ILY. OTOH, I know a man who dated, lived with, his gf for 8 years, then one day just upped and moved out. Don't know if he ever said ILY but what did it matter?

 

The ILY by itself is just words. The real issues are known to you, but not to us. Difficult to judge what is the opportunity for your relationship to grow from here.

[LinzyLoo]

I spent awhile reading and re-reading all of your responses. Thank you to everyone that weighed in. I have been pretty upset all day as this is really gnawing at me. I looked up other "relationship red flags" and while there might be one or two, for the most part, we're in the clear. I believe that IThinkICan might have hit the nail on the head with this...

 

The only way it matters about the ILY is whether the OP is reacting to other red flags as well, and using the ILY as a catch all for a collection of issues that signal a limited level emotional connection, or a limited capacity to connect.

 

I guess it does come down to the fact that what I am receiving from him is a limited level of emotional connection and capacity to connect. I know that I am a DEEPLY emotional person, unlike many others. I do not expect him to understand that all the time, or to be like me, in fact, just the opposite. I like that he's level headed and that he can temper my emotions, most of the time. What I am trying to determine is whether or not my expectations are too high and he simply doesn't have the same emotionally capacity as I do (or most), which would be OK (because he's giving all that he humanly can) or if he's holding back because he doesn't feel that this is the right relationship for him. By saying he's "unsure" about his love for me, it makes me believe it's the latter, but all of his actions make me feel it is the former. He does treat me like a queen, indeed.

 

Ultimately, I am confused how to proceed. I want to be treated well, but I also want to know that the relationship will progress and I am not wasting time. I fear pressuring him with the conversations so I've backed off for awhile, really letting him lead the relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

Just like your career, and Christianity, you don't ask, you don't get. If he is the one for you, you won't scare him away by having a conversation, and sharing how you feel, and what your wants and needs for, your expectations, life goals.