Should I let him go?

[love1985]

So I've been dating this guy for five months now and we finally had a serious talk about where we are. Basically I'm ready for a relationship and he is not and doesn't know when he will be. He is completely on guard and when he feels like he wants to open up he said he withdraws. He said that in the past he could walk away from a person easily and just not care. He also said thst no past woman he has dated can say they had his heart because he never gave it to them. But with me he really does like me but have to look within himself to see if he can let all of him fall in love with me. Then he said the future with us looks long but he doesn't know how it will end. I really do like him. We have a ball together but is this just a lost cause? Should I just move on from him at this point?

[notalady]

Yes you should move on. You are in for a world of pain if you continue waiting around for him to allow himself to fall in love with you, you could waste years waiting around and it may never happen. He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. Tell him he can call you when he's ready to have a committed relationship with you, until then, you want nothing more to do with him.

[misssmithviii]

I think it's safe to say that he's too guarded for what you're ready for right now. The ball is in your court. There are plenty of people like this in the world that have difficulty committing in a relationship and I applaud this guy you've been dating for actually being upfront with his hesitations. The thing is, the ball is in your proverbial court.

 

If you don't stick around, he could resent you and not want to retain a friendship, or he could do the whole "this is why I never commit!" but at the end of the day you need to think of yourself. Can you stick around? How much longer will you stick around while he tests the waters with you. He's never going to find happiness until he takes a little risk. Perhaps you just came into his life a bit too early and he'll be ready later on down the road. Or, he may never be. You don't know. You can't control it, and I'm sure you know that.

 

So ask yourself, what can you do and what can't you do? Can you stay with him much longer? If so, how long will you give it?

If I were you, I'd move on by that point. I don't like the idea of having to 'convince' someone to love me.

[faraday]

This is all you needed to hear in the conversation because that said everything. The rest is lovely, "it's not you, it's me" talk...which you need to run away from. People that are "confused" need to be walked away from. This guy is a waste of your time.

[love1985]

Yes you should move on. You are in for a world of pain if you continue waiting around for him to allow himself to fall in love with you, you could waste years waiting around and it may never happen. He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. Tell him he can call you when he's ready to have a committed relationship with you, until then, you want nothing more to do with him.

That's my first thought as well. I don't want to waste years and when we had our first conversation about it he said it can take him 6 months to a year to commit which is a bit long for me. Then the other day he just said he didn't know it could be sooner. So I was thinking should I wait until 6 months or chop it now?

[love1985]

Thanks for detailed thought. He said that he would never walk out my life. I would have to be the one to do it. I think it's because he wants to be the victim and not have the split on his hands. I just hate that I fell for him.

[love1985]

This is all you needed to hear in the conversation because that said everything. The rest is lovely, "it's not you, it's me" talk...which you need to run away from. People that are "confused" need to be walked away from. This guy is a waste of your time.

I guess I don't understand why waste five months knowing my intentions in a future dating situation and then get here and get cold feet? That's just flat out seflish.

[faraday]

He probably likes you. He probably thinks you're funny, or smart, or sexy, or fun to be around. But for him...you're missing something. And it's not something you can change...it's something intangible. Some kind of chemistry.

 

Don't worry about it. There's a good guy for you You have to let go of this one though before you can meet him

[notalady]

That's my first thought as well. I don't want to waste years and when we had our first conversation about it he said it can take him 6 months to a year to commit which is a bit long for me. Then the other day he just said he didn't know it could be sooner. So I was thinking should I wait until 6 months or chop it now?

 

I think you should leave right now rather than in 6 months time, which will mean you would have wasted a year on a guy that wouldn't commit. I assume by your user name you are around 28/29, same as me. So to me, we're not at an age where we have a year to waste on a commitment-phobe and not knowing if there is even a future. I think 5 months was long enough to have spent on this relationship, I wouldn't waste another 6 months on it. If he really likes you and serious about pursuing a relationship with you, he can take this time alone and have a good think about his own mentality and try to resolve his problems internally, and come back to you if he is really a serious about it. If he doesn't come back, then you know you dodged a bullet.

[notalady]

I guess I don't understand why waste five months knowing my intentions in a future dating situation and then get here and get cold feet? That's just flat out seflish.

 

Didn't you say you just had the talk? Or did you also talk about what you are looking for when you first started dating?

 

Unfortunately a lot of guys are happy to cruise along in a non-committed relationship until the woman asks for a definitive answer, and in this guy's case, he's probably unsure himself what he wants. Maybe he thought he would give it a try and in 6 months time he would be ready to commit, time comes and he's not ready, so he tells you maybe on another 6 months to a year he would feel ready. I wouldn't count on it.

[love1985]

He probably likes you. He probably thinks you're funny, or smart, or sexy, or fun to be around. But for him...you're missing something. And it's not something you can change...it's something intangible. Some kind of chemistry.

 

Don't worry about it. There's a good guy for you You have to let go of this one though before you can meet him

Thanks. I think it's the fact that I'm still a virgin (yes I am sadly still a virgin) but I was very upfront about that when we first started dating and he said he could handle it. But theb again if no woman has ever has his heart from past relationships i have to think thats all him.Just sucks and I wish I hadn't met him that one fatal day.

[love1985]

I think you should leave right now rather than in 6 months time, which will mean you would have wasted a year on a guy that wouldn't commit. I assume by your user name you are around 28/29, same as me. So to me, we're not at an age where we have a year to waste on a commitment-phobe and not knowing if there is even a future. I think 5 months was long enough to have spent on this relationship, I wouldn't waste another 6 months on it. If he really likes you and serious about pursuing a relationship with you, he can take this time alone and have a good think about his own mentality and try to resolve his problems internally, and come back to you if he is really a serious about it. If he doesn't come back, then you know you dodged a bullet.

Yeah I'm 29 and the last one of my friends to be super single. I don't want a man that can't love me but I fell for him so that is what makes it so hard. 2014 was suppose to be my year. Turning 29 I was going to find my love but I feel like i wasted so much time that I can't get back and it makes me angry at him. To but then part of me respect the fact that he was straight forward. my heart is just irritated right now...

[faraday]

Thanks. I think it's the fact that I'm still a virgin (yes I am sadly still a virgin) but I was very upfront about that when we first started dating and he said he could handle it. But theb again if no woman has ever has his heart from past relationships i have to think thats all him.Just sucks and I wish I hadn't met him that one fatal day.

If you look at being a virgin as a negative thing, others will see it that way too. If you look at it as something you cherish and value, men you date will too.

 

Any reason in particular you're saving yourself?

 

I think it was good to not sleep with this guy, he sounds like a flake.

[Ms Darcy]

After five months, if he doesn't want a relationship with you then you are wasting your time. The rest of what he says is just noise.

[love1985]

Didn't you say you just had the talk? Or did you also talk about what you are looking for when you first started dating?

 

Unfortunately a lot of guys are happy to cruise along in a non-committed relationship until the woman asks for a definitive answer, and in this guy's case, he's probably unsure himself what he wants. Maybe he thought he would give it a try and in 6 months time he would be ready to commit, time comes and he's not ready, so he tells you maybe on another 6 months to a year he would feel ready. I wouldn't count on it.

 

we talked about what we wanted when we first started dating. This convo yesterday was a check in like what the hell is going on. That's when we had the open convo of he doesn't know when he will be ready. He don't like for people to get to close. Could be a year or could be six months or less than that. But then he also said he sees a long future with me so he is all over the board. I don't doubt he likes me. I just think he is not ready and will not give his heart away. the love I can give can't compete with the love security he is giving himself

[love1985]

If you look at being a virgin as a negative thing, others will see it that way too. If you look at it as something you cherish and value, men you date will too.

 

Any reason in particular you're saving yourself?

 

I think it was good to not sleep with this guy, he sounds like a flake.

 

My cousin says that all the time. About the virgin thing. I think it has been a hindrance in my dating life than this fairy tale that people think it should be. And while I should say it's for religious reasons it's not. It's because I want to be in love with the person i give it to and they be in love with me. Guess that's too much to ask these days.

[love1985]

After five months, if he doesn't want a relationship with you then you are wasting your time. The rest of what he says is just noise.

That was my thought as well but I was trying to be fair since feelings don't grow at the same pace between two people.

[faraday]

It's not too much. You just have to cut bait sooner (like when they start talking about "never been in love before" -everyone has been in love, even if they were 15 and their love interest ignored them- and "takes a long time to commit"-code for: I just want to penis you without commitment) and start increasing your dating pool. What are you doing to meet new men?

[LilyMarie]

I just wanted to chime in with what the others have said - I think you should walk away and be happy that only 5 months have passed. I just had a similar conversation with my now ex-boyfriend, except I waited twice as long as you to bring it up. I had thought everything was fine so it had never occurred to me to have the conversation sooner, and then I felt blind-sided by his answer. By waiting, you are only hurting yourself more. It is true that peoples' feelings develop at different paces, but when that is the case, you usually get at least some sense of reassurance - maybe something like, "I'm starting to fall in love, but I'm not ready to say it yet." The person might not be "all in" yet, but they will not want to risk losing you either by being wishy-washy.

 

When someone just flat out says they aren't in love or ready for a commitment, they know full well that in saying so, they are risking you will walk. If they really care, they will do what they can to keep that from happening without lying to you so you won't leave the conversation feeling like an insecure mess who has wasted your time. In a situation where they are that blunt and honest - if you stay, they will assume you are ok with what they have to offer, and, in their eyes, you won't have any reason to be mad when they are still acting "confused" after, say, a year.

 

You shouldn't feel like you wasted your time. You gave the relationship a decent shot, but at least you didn't invest years. Something like this would have been hard to know much sooner because you were just getting to know one another. It seems, actually, like you had this conversation at the perfect time - late enough that if real feelings were going to develop, they would have started, but early enough that you didn't waste months and months on someone only to find out that they were on a totally different page. I'm kicking myself now for waiting 10 months to have this same conversation. But I'll probably post about myself some other time : ).

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks. I think it's the fact that I'm still a virgin (yes I am sadly still a virgin) but I was very upfront about that when we first started dating and he said he could handle it. But theb again if no woman has ever has his heart from past relationships i have to think thats all him.Just sucks and I wish I hadn't met him that one fatal day.

 

I doubt it's that, TBH. If it were that, it's very easy to identify and change eventually. I agree that it's probably something you can't change.

 

I tend to think he's very picky.

[notalady]

If you look at being a virgin as a negative thing, others will see it that way too. If you look at it as something you cherish and value, men you date will too.

 

Completely agree with this! That extends to all your values, principals and boundaries. I do find that if you seem unsure or think negatively about something you value, so will the other person, while if you are confident in your choice and present it in a way that says, this is who I am and what I value and I'm proud of it, the other person is likely to accept it and even respect you for it. If they can't, then they are not worth your time.

[SooSad33]

Sounds like he just isn't emotionally or mentally stable, so he isn't ready or able to reach out the way he should.

It's been 5 months and doesn't sounds like this is very fair on you.

 

A relationship takes time and work.

but for how long is this going to be one sided? Do YOU think you can keep on this way for a while more? Do you feel he'll come about, sometime, soon?

[notalady]

Yeah I'm 29 and the last one of my friends to be super single. I don't want a man that can't love me but I fell for him so that is what makes it so hard. 2014 was suppose to be my year. Turning 29 I was going to find my love but I feel like i wasted so much time that I can't get back and it makes me angry at him. To but then part of me respect the fact that he was straight forward. my heart is just irritated right now...

 

I wouldn't have thought 5 months is that long, as Lily said you gave it a decent shot. Time flies, I can't even believe it's already August, as it feels like it was just New Years not long ago, so don't feel too bad about having wasted time. If you read some of the posts on this forum, tons of people have wasted years and years on relationships that were clearly not going to work out, just count your lucky stars you found out early and leave now.

[love1985]

I wouldn't have thought 5 months is that long, as Lily said you gave it a decent shot. Time flies, I can't even believe it's already August, as it feels like it was just New Years not long ago, so don't feel too bad about having wasted time. If you read some of the posts on this forum, tons of people have wasted years and years on relationships that were clearly not going to work out, just count your lucky stars you found out early and leave now.

Yeah I can't see myself waiting years which is why I asked in the first place. It just sucks because I basically was the only person in this situation just wish I would have seen the signs a bit earlier.

[love1985]

Sounds like he just isn't emotionally or mentally stable, so he isn't ready or able to reach out the way he should.

It's been 5 months and doesn't sounds like this is very fair on you.

 

A relationship takes time and work.

but for how long is this going to be one sided? Do YOU think you can keep on this way for a while more? Do you feel he'll come about, sometime, soon?

 

It's not fair. I even did check in points and told him I didn't want to be in this alone. And yet he still played me. I was ready to put in the work. He has 80% of what I wanted in a mate. Idk if he will come about sometime soon but someone who loves you back shouldn't require all this thinking.