NC and online dating

[Katrinagirl]

^^^ Only women with low self-worth and feelings of desperation would go back to a man that they've left who hasn't treated them well.

 

"Love" has nothing to do with why people return to dysfunction.

 

I agree but have you read hearthurt's other threads? He never said he didn't treat her well, he said he was complacent because he was very ill for many months and had no energy. Big difference between that and a douchebag, which he wasn't. He was ill.

[Katrinagirl]

^^^ Only women with low self-worth and feelings of desperation would go back to a man that they've left who hasn't treated them well.

 

"Love" has nothing to do with why people return to dysfunction.

 

To be honest, I find "romantic love" to be rather dysfunctional anyway....LOL. It's a sort of temporary insanity. I think people have a hard time thinking clearly and doing the right thing when in the throes of it.

[ThatwasThen]

I agree but have you read hearthurt's other threads? He never said he didn't treat her well, he said he was complacent because he was very ill for many months and had no energy. Big difference between that and a douchebag, which he wasn't. He was ill.

 

That doesn't matter in the least. She wasn't treated well in her mind and I'm sure she voiced that to him before jumping ship. The fact that he wasn't a d-bag is neither her nor there. She had enough of being taken for granted and trying to make the Op into the man she hoped he would be but wasn't. She was looking after her emotional health by checking out when she did. People leave non-douche bags everyday for various reasons of not being treated the way that makes them happy.

 

They were incompatible at the time they were together and she's now moved on. Cie La Vie. Timing is important along with all the other things that need be in place for a relationship to be happy and HEALTHY.

 

To be honest, I find "romantic love" to be rather dysfunctional anyway....LOL. It's a sort of temporary insanity. I think people have a hard time thinking clearly and doing the right thing when in the throes of it.

That is in the throes of New Relationship Energy commonly known as the "honeymoon period" I think you're meaning. (?). Romantic love is ongoing as long as it's not platonic love.

[Katrinagirl]

This is just my opinion of course, but I compare romantic love to that "falling in love" period a couple goes through...similar if not the same as the "honeymoon period." Lasts longer for some couples than others. With my ex-husband, it lasted for a really really long time (years), but I think that's rare. I know while we were in the throes of it, there was a lot of drama (created by both of us), which was very draining and exhausting.

 

Anyway, once that phase ended we found "real" love, which is sort of like realizing that we are not perfect people, that we have quirks and foibles but we accept and love each other regardless. It's not as dramatic as romantic love, not as exciting. But it's real, and it's lasting. It's peaceful. I love that phase, but many people don't and mistakenly believe that once that romantic love/falling in love/honeymoon period ends, and all that drama subsides, that they don't love each anymore, so they end it in search of a brand new "perfect" person to feel romantic love with.

 

I have NO idea where I'm going with this! LOL I guess it's to reiterate my point that for me, romantic love is sort of a temporary insanity and I don't think clearly when in the throes of it.

 

With respect to why the OP's girlfriend left, I actually have no idea even though I've been running my mouth (fingers) thinking I have all the answers. I don't, I am merely speculating.

 

I can only guess that she put a lot of thought into it though and did not make the decision hastily even the OP said she did. I am sure there were many reasons, his complacency being one of them, although I don't know that for sure. She may have met another man for all we know!

 

But the "why" of it doesn't matter, what matters is that she's gone, she's on a dating website searching for other men, she's moved on. And as much as it hurts, so much the OP.

[ThatwasThen]

But the "why" of it doesn't matter, what matters is that she's gone, she's on a dating website searching for other men, she's moved on. And as much as it hurts, so much the OP.

Totally agree

[hearthurts73]

Great thread and I also wanted mention all the loss my ex was and still is suffering from right at the time she broke it off with me, loss of husband, loss of marriage, parent deteriorating from Alzheimer's, boss/mentor of 10 years was just fired, older son moving out of home for freshman year college, she has to sell the home where she raised her children, younger son went away for a month this summer for first time for schooling, son who's going to college had friend not wake up in sleep from aneurism

[hearthurts73]

It's all just very complex and there are so many things being tied together which makes it hard to assume or even speculate, we're dealing with the human minds, with lots of love and grief combined, I know I'm looking for answers and appreciate all of you trying to help and put things into perspective, but it's all just very complex and nearly impossible to look at it in black and white unless you follow the golden rule of these boards which is if she leaves then NC to move on END OF STORY but there are just way too many buts to really nail all of this down so either I shrink my head and stick with no contact or I can also be myself with my hyperfocus and unusual persistence and find my own unique way whether it'll take grieving the pain now , next month, maybe not at all because for all we know she'll call me tomorrow crying, but who knows, now I'll just leave it in God's hands because I'm tired!! Glad to still have the NC though

[Katrinagirl]

Sounds like a good plan...let the universe lead the way! That's what I always do when in a quandary. The universe has NEVER let me down, not once! Even when at the time I thought it did because it wasn't what I wanted, in retrospect when I look back, I realize the universe DID lead me in the right direction.

 

So do nothing, and continue with no contact... allow god/the universe to figure this out for you.

[dasnico]

No one on here but you truly knows the circumstances surrounding your break up. She could very well be on online dating sites trying to help herself move on and get over you. Within a week of my last break up I returned to online dating despite the fact that I was still reeling from the BU. I have yet to actually meet anyone off these sites, but talking to [new] different people has helped get my mind off things at times.

 

If she wants to get back with you she knows how to contact you. It's only been a couple weeks. It could be months or years before she could reach out to you.

[eskimobobseal]

If she's on dating sites its either A). To help her stop feeling romantic towards you or B). Because she truly moved on and is looking for someone new.

 

I suppose ONE TEXT asking where she stands wouldn't hurt, but I have a hard time believing that she wouldn't reach out to you on her own if she felt the way you want her to.

[mahipahl]

This is common, I would venture to guess that many have just left a long term relationship or in a rocky one yet they post immediately online looking for a new partner, everyone wants attention. Let her go find her online prince, you get busy doing things you love to do and someday when you least expect it the love of your life will appear..probably not online though.lol