We're doing the 'Friend' thing. But now i'm more confused the ever.

[deadmareish]

I don't want to do another big waffle! To say the least - about a month ago I posted a thread about my ex and how he wanted to try things again but then he changed his mind, saying he no longer has feelings for me. It messed with my head a bit and the advice I got on here was so helpful. It gave me the courage to tell him to leave me alone for a while, while I sort things out, and I realised that I only wanted him back out of habit.

 

Anyway! ... A couple of weeks ago he apologized and now we're doing the 'friend' thing. Tbh, we were BEST friends for 4 years before we started our 2 year relationship so it is hard to not have him in my life, so I thought, why not? Things have be going well I suppose, we've had a few hiccups and I've slipped up on giving in to having sex with him twice now.

The thing is though, even though he tells me he's so glad we can be friends, it's always me that is arranging for us to get together? Not because I necessarily WANT to be with him, but because that's what friends do and I really wanted it to be a normal friendship.

We usually just hang out with our group of friends, but the last time we hung out independently he made moves and that was the time we ended up sleeping together, though after he was very distant and he left pretty soon. The thing is it didn't bother me - I just thought we had fun and I like sleeping with him because he knows what I like - you know. I really didn't take it as a big thing. But he text me the next day saying he was sorry and how he was confused about his feelings "He doesn't like me like that, but when he's with me he feels urges' and he didn't know what to do. I know, argh. I said, we'd just leave it at what it was, and carry on. Then he later said that although at first he was 'worried' (?) that he had feelings for me, after we had sex he realised it was just a physical thing and those feelings went away. Fine. Cool. Whatever. It didn't bother me.

 

But here's were it gets complicated for me. The last few times we've hung out it's been with other people. But he doesn't really leave me alone. Like - if I moved somewhere, he'd somehow make his way over near me. If we sit with each other, he'll start drumming on my leg, or poking me, or sticking stuff in my ear or just mess around with me in general. I'd say every time we are together we pretty much just flirt the entire time. It's fun. It makes me laugh. Do you know what it also does? ... It makes me miss him

Every time we're together he's his old goofy self with me, and I said the other day how I think I might be starting to feel something again, but he put up this cold front he does, telling me it's not the same for him. But yet he's the one who initiates it all the time! I really just mind my own business until he starts it all. I've tried not responding to it, but I don't want to make everyone else uncomfortable.

 

Oh and the other day, when I told him about my feelings it was because I have been asked out on a date and I wanted to make sure that everything was really over so it wouldn't get in the way, which I told him and at first he seemed ok. BUT, then he sent me texts being obviously mad at me and then he was saying how he's lonely and he'll never find someone. We met the next day and he asked me about it and he was so obliviously jealous, he laughed at how we hadn't met yet (As I met this other guy through a dating app)

He said how now he'd have to find a date otherwise he'd be losing the 'completion' and people would start talking. What's that about? Is that being jealous?

 

So, now all I do is think about our relationship, and I kind of want to try again. We had a really good one in all retrospect, he broke up with me because 'I was ing clingy' which is a fair comment, I did start to lose myself within the relationship. But I can change that, and I think he knows I can. But he just doesn't want to seem to give it another try? I personally think, even though he says he doesn't have any feelings, all this stuff is a clear sign he does? Do you agree? ... I think he's afraid of telling people we would be trying again because some of his friends are the type to express loss of respect, and my ex is the type who cares WAY too much about what others think of him. Or he might be afraid that it will turn out the same, but how can I show him I've changed if he doesn't give me the chance to?

 

So I need some advice, what's my next step? Do I stick it out and hope he'll realise? Do I risk telling him how I feel and ask him to give me a chance? Do I just leave it and move on? ... We're meant to be meeting tomorrow, I say meant to be because I have decided I am not going to ask him if it's still going ahead, but let him come to me, at least then I'll know if he's excited about it or not? Then if he 'forgets' I'm just going to stop contacting him altogether. I'm not making all the effort and make a space for him again when he's not bothering doing the same? ...

If we do meet I know he'll try something as I'm sure you do. But I have a plan I'm going to tell him no. That would be the right thing to do since he says he feels 'physical' wouldn't it? My plan is to basically be like - lets trial out and go on dates OR just be plain old friends. I know what one he will go for, so i don't really want to do that. HA. I want him to say lets try again.

And so, I leave my decision to you clever people. If I'm to tell him how I feel, how so I do this without being embarrassingly rejected or without him losing respect and therefore my chance?

 

Sorry this is another long one! PLEASE HELP ME.

[numbnut]

This guy is just screwing with you in bothe meanings of the word. You wrote 'Then he later said that although at first he was 'worried' (?) that he had feelings for me, after we had sex he realised it was just a physical thing and those feelings went away.'

 

Tells me all I need to know. He's jealous because he wants you for himself but doesn't want the commitment. This would be his plan for the evening

 

1)Meet D

2)Play and wind D up

3)Get D in bed

4)go home

5)Phone and apologise. Wrince and repeat

 

Either tell him to get lost or don't sleep with he guy. Then he knows where he is at. And don't get in a relationship again (see point 5)

 

Go find some one who deserevs you.

[deadmareish]

This guy is just screwing with you in bothe meanings of the word. You wrote 'Then he later said that although at first he was 'worried' (?) that he had feelings for me, after we had sex he realised it was just a physical thing and those feelings went away.'

 

Tells me all I need to know. He's jealous because he wants you for himself but doesn't want the commitment. This would be his plan for the evening

 

1)Meet D

2)Play and wind D up

3)Get D in bed

4)go home

5)Phone and apologise. Wrince and repeat

 

Either tell him to get lost or don't sleep with he guy. Then he knows where he is at. And don't get in a relationship again (see point 5)

 

Go find some one who deserevs you.

 

Haha. Very bold and to the point. Thanks for that, guess I knew it all along but didn't want to believe it.

I will make sure to keep away from the intimacy

So, you think I should not tell him about how I've been feelings?

[Cherry009]

He has told you a few times that he doesn't feel the same anymore, i think you should start listening to him. He is keeping you at arms length as a fall back, if he really wanted to be with you he would be! He knows you are still into him & is enjoying stringing you along. STOP sleeping with him & if i'm honest i'd stop seeing him all together as your healing process is going to be a long one if you carry on the way you are going. I think you should move on and find someone who won't want to let you go!

[deadmareish]

He has told you a few times that he doesn't feel the same anymore, i think you should start listening to him. He is keeping you at arms length as a fall back, if he really wanted to be with you he would be! He knows you are still into him & is enjoying stringing you along. STOP sleeping with him & if i'm honest i'd stop seeing him all together as your healing process is going to be a long one if you carry on the way you are going. I think you should move on and find someone who won't want to let you go!

I can't not see him as we have the same group of friends and we both get invited to group hang outs. I'm not going to avoid doing fun things because of him either.

I am not going to sleep with him anymore though, I know that was wrong to do. That's why I love posting here, people are so honest. It's such an eye opener, thank you

[numbnut]

Haha. Very bold and to the point. Thanks for that, guess I knew it all along but didn't want to believe it.

I will make sure to keep away from the intimacy

So, you think I should not tell him about how I've been feelings?

 

Don't tell him diddly squit about your feelings. It has nothing to do with him now. How can I put this to you..ah here goes.

 

For him its a case of mind over matter. 'He doesn't mind (sleeping with you) and you don't matter'

Now thats harsh but alas true.

 

Be friend..........that don't sleep with each other!

[ParisPaulette]

Okay, you cannot be friends with someone if there's even a hint, and I do mean hint, of feelings left for them. Or guess what? What happened just happened, he has continued to mess with your head, make sure that any guys who might approach you won't, because they'll think you two are together thereby effectively C blocking you from ever moving on and keeping you squarely up on the shelf he already put you on. Nothing has changed from your last post. Nothing. You are still hanging on to the hope that being friends will bring him back, you aren't healed and when he finally finds another girl and wanders off you are going to be gutted. He's using you in part as an emotional crutch to get over until he finds someone else and he's making darn sure no guys approach you until HE'S moved on. You are still letting this guy control you however you want to slice it or whatever you want to call.

 

As much as you keep saying you don't want him I think you aren't being honest with yourself. Otherwise you wouldn't be making all the effort to get together then being upset by his actions now would you? You'd be thinking, "Hey, I haven't heard from old whats his name in awhile. Shrugs. Oh well, I'm going to see if I can find that cute guy at the bar the other night again to do some more flirting with. That was fun."

 

You were doing well when you were in NC, you were healing and starting to not care, and then you jumped the gun. If it were me I'd go back to where I was healing and doing well and not having some ex playing with my head. He's being pretty hostile to you right now, you just can't see it. And no, he isn't interested in taking you back if he's not calling and telling you in one way or another, "I made a mistake. Let's get back together."

[deadmareish]

Don't tell him diddly squit about your feelings. It has nothing to do with him now. How can I put this to you..ah here goes.

 

For him its a case of mind over matter. 'He doesn't mind (sleeping with you) and you don't matter'

Now thats harsh but alas true.

 

Be friend..........that don't sleep with each other!

 

No I get that, the truth hurts! haha.

Tbh, when we had no contact for a while, I was so much happier! lol

Thank you for your harsh advice (JK)

 

 

[ParisPaulette]

And BTW stop telling him about your dates and letting him try to make you decide you won't go on them. He simply does not want you moving on first, it's a control issue for him, not that he cares. I had an ex do this with me briefly when we both ended up still sharing a house together until I could find a place to move out. And yet the entire time I later found out he was sleeping with other women, he just told our other friend he couldn't stand the idea that someone else would get something that had once been his. Yeah, he did describe me as a possession and I was so POed about it. The next time he got snarky when I was going on a date I chewed him out then mocked him that just because he'd ruined things was no reason for me to do so or think any other guy would be that big of an idiot.

 

Case closed, he never did that again and when I moved out I never contacted him again although he reached out a few times. Friends just don't do things like that.

[deadmareish]

I don't get upset if he doesn't reply to me. I do kind of think 'Oh well' ... But, I'm annoyed that he wants to be friends but yet it's me making the effort to do so. I guess that's the same.

I can see everything you're saying is right on the nose though. I feel so stupid!

I'm definitely cutting him off now

[deadmareish]

Noted. I will keep your experience in mind! Thanks

[t1lersm0m1]

People cannot be friends if either one of them wants something romantic. IT. DOES. NOT. WORK. The person who wants something romantic always ends up getting hurt.

[deadmareish]

People cannot be friends if either one of them wants something romantic. IT. DOES. NOT. WORK. The person who wants something romantic always ends up getting hurt.

 

Thank you, I realise I'm wasting all my emotions on this guy!

I am going to try my best to overcome these feelings.