I feel so guilty, and so used.

[mindless14]

Long story short, my ex and I split up about 3 months ago, but he only moved out of my house a little over a month ago. We have kids together, it was an on and off, taking our time to decide whats right kind of split, until he moved out. Almost immediately after moving out of my house, (2 days) he had a new gf. She was a mutual friend, who he had grown close to during our split. I pretty much knew it was headed there the whole time. Anyway, theyre dating now, and have been for a little over a month. For about 3 weeks after he moved out, we went through the I miss you's, the doubt, the long talks about whether or not us being apart was right. We slept together a few times. (At this time, I did not know he was with this other girl. He had yet to tell me.) Each time we slept together it was after one of the long emotional talks about our relationship and feelings for each other, and every time he told me he was so confused about his feelings for me, still loves me, always will. We've been together since high school, have 2 kids and have been through a lot together. We do remain close, we've always been there for each other as good friends and continue that. So anyway, All of that stopped about a month ago. Since then, he told me they were together and we just kept it at friends. He's even come to me about their relationship and I've been there as a friend to offer advice or to just listen. So then last week, he comes to drop our son off to me and we got talking. He seemed stressed so I asked him whats up. He told me he feels guilty for leaving me, because of the kids, and because he feels like he's always told me he'd be here for me and now he isn't. He said he misses me and feels like he's missed out on a lot with the kids. (He's very involved, we each get 3.5 days a week, and share "family" things, like bdays) He told me it's taking a toll on his relationship with his gf and that she can tell he's feeling that way and has even brought it up to him. He said he feels like he's aged to 40 in the last few weeks alone,(we're 24) and that his life isn't easy anymore, but that he's happy. I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I just tried to tell him it will be ok and that he doesn't have to feel guilty and the only ones he owes anything to are our kids. So then today, there was a dr apt for our son and we went together. In the car, he asked me if I would tell him if I had a boyfriend. I joked at first and said "yea eventually". He seemed to be bothered so I assured him that I am not seeing anyone and if I do, I will tell him because if the guy would be around our kids, I feel he'd have a right to know about him and who he is. I asked why he was thinking about that. He said that he's not going to do well when I start seeing someone and that he's going be very upset and jealous and territorial. He went on to tell me all the "little things" he thinks about from our relationship and how hurt he is by the fact that we couldn't make it work, and that now I'll be with someone else, doing all the things him and I used to do, and using our relationship basically as a reference to have a better one with another guy. I reminded him that since we broke up, (I did not want the split) I've had to literally watch him do this with another girl, and live out the life and family him and I planned together with her. He ended up coming back to my house after the apt to help with some things for our son. We talked more about our relationship, I broke down, telling him I love and miss him. He said he loves me too. We talked about all the things that messed up our relationship and both said that all the love was always there, that we basically let life get in the way. Took stress out on each other, stopped paying attention to the little things we did for each other, which made us each feel that the other didn't care. We ended up, cuddling I guess, while we talked, which led to a kiss, and then we had sex. Afterwards he immediately got up and said he needed to leave. I drove him home, and on the way there told him I felt used because I gave myself to someone who didn't feel the same about me and I allowed myself to do that with someone who has those feelings for someone else. I said "dont worry I wont tell her" and he said that's not what he's worried about. He said he's worried about hurting me, because he loves me. I said not the same way that I love him and he said that he doesn't want to hurt me. I told him that I am hurt and feel disgusting because I look at sex differently than him, and that he doesn't need to love someone to have sex with them. He said he does love me and thats why he was upset by it, and when I said he looks at sex differently, he said "not anymore" and got out of the car. Now, I don't know what to do or think. I cannot cut contact, we have 2 kids. I feel guilty, because I've become the other woman now. Part of me is feeling guilted into telling his gf, because I know I'd want someone to tell me. But I don't want to make things messy for him or for me. I also feel used, but at the same time, I feel like he wasn't using me, and genuinely is confused about his feelings and got as lost in the moment as I did. And if that's true, well then what now? And if he looks at sex the way I do now, having to love someone to do that, how is able to do it with her, and still was able to do it with me? Does he love us both? Is he that confused? I had to see him since this happened and talk to him over the phone, (kid stuff) and he seemed happy and normal and as if nothing happened. Said to call him if I need anything, acted like he always does. Was it because she was around that he acted that way? Also, does he feel guilty? I know him well and I know when things happened when him and I were together, he couldn't live with not telling me the truth. It doesn't seem to phase him now, but he seemed genuinely upset afterwards. Was he upset about hurting me, about cheating on her, both? And I feel awful...I've become the woman I hate! I never wanted that. I love him so much, and just got lost in it. It felt familiar, it felt right. I didn't grasp the weight of it until it was done. Now I feel guilty and disgusting. This is something I swore I'd never do, but the hold he has on me is ridiculous. I'm pathetic. It's making me want to come clean and clear my own conscience, but I know the horrible mess that'd cause for him, for me, for my relationship with him as parents. I do want us to stay friends because that seems to be what's kept the kids ok through all of this. Seeing us friendly and being able to still come together for those kinds of things. I dont know what to do!

[ParisPaulette]

There is a third option to the two possible actions you take. And BTW yes, you are being used to the extent you are allowing your ex the comfort of weaning himself off of you while seeking new love elsewhere. He's doing a disservice to both you and the new girl, who wouldn't be thrilled indeed to hear the new man in her life is still sleeping with his ex. The only way you're going to extricate yourself out of this situation, take away all comfort from him so that he maybe has a chance to realize what he lost--and that's a big chance regardless--and yet keep the peace when it comes to the kids is to follow the excellent guide I've given you in this link about how to maintain no contact when you have children.

 

link removed

 

You need to follow that to the letter. That means no sex, no long emotional talks, no letting him come in or come over except to pick up the kids. As the guide says you teach him by your actions that this is strictly about the kids. If he says anything or pins you down you can tell him, "Until you choose to come back and be fully committed to me then that's that. We are over, and it's about the kids. Now as I was saying little Susie needs to be picked up at 4:00...." And you do that each and every time he tries to pin you down to talk about "us" because bluntly speaking there is no us. Just a guy who is getting to sleep with two women, hand the kids back whenever he doesn't want to play Daddy anymore and dictate and control the actions of other people.

 

Sorry, but you need to get angry, you need to stand up for yourself. He's demoted you from his love and mother of his children to side piece and you need to realize just how sh***y that is and you need to be the one for force him to stop it.

 

I know it's not what you want right now, but you can already see that sleeping with him, letting him dictate when he gets to come and go and have no real responsibility to you, is already not winning him back now is it? And it never will.

 

Watching you move on with your life, realizing what he's losing, just might. And even more importantly it will let you move on, heal from this break and get your self-respect back. It will make you stronger, it will put you in charge instead of passively waiting for his crumbs. And yes, you may very well wake up one day and say to yourself, "What was I thinking? I don't want him back at all." And that is a chance you both take. He took it when he left you, you take it in cutting him out of everything except being there for his kids.

 

You don't need to even raise your voice, he can continue to be a father to your kids, and he not you gets to wrestle over whether to tell his girlfriend he's being sleeping with both of you. I think it's a win-win all the way around and hope you'll feel that way too.

[sunnz]

The first thing I would do in your situation is to give yourself some respect, to stop with the emotional talks with your ex that lead to sex, the second thing is to keep contact about the children and only the children, he doesn't get the privilege of "advice" for his floosey gf, whom I'm sure they were together before he broke up with you.

 

You need to keep things formal and to the point. A man won't know what he wants when he can have both at the same time. They need to feel the loss and feel the connection dying out in order for them to either wake up and shape up or move the hell along. Goes both ways women and men.

 

The emotional talks need to stop asap. Including talking as friends, he does not get that option anymore, he is the father and you are the mother of children together and that is where it stays. Talking civil is fine but the friends is not an option for him. That's allowing him to soothe his emotions or guilt. Nah he needs to feel it is over for anything to either transpire between you both down the track or to end it completely He disrespected you time and time again and so should feel the loss.

 

Don't keep rewarding him. My ex that I have children with, wanted to get back with me and had someone else while wanting to (actually cheated on me with), when I didn't want to anymore he wanted to stay friends, nah I told him I have enough friends don't need anymore , he lives with his regret and so it should be and I have moved on. I keep it civil and only about the children, it amazes me how these "men" can try to get you back while seeing someone new, and expect you will want them back.

 

And it's also funny how they want to know if you are with someone else and when they find out you have been or are they need time to get over that, while they are already with someone new, hypocritical much ??!! My ex was the same as soon as he asked if I was with anyone and when I said yes, he was devastated and took him a while to get over that, so we are expected to wait on them like some sad puppy, not happening - life is too short to allow people to make choices for you, you make the choice for yourself first, take that away from them.

 

The bottom line is no one knows what they had/have if they always have it around so easily, no effort then no respect. You respect what is harder to achieve and this goes with everything in life.

[SooSad33]

"He seemed to be bothered so I assured him that I am not seeing anyone and if I do, I will tell him because if the guy would be around our kids"

- HE seemed bothered? BUT, he's already with a girl again. So HE can get over it.

You owe him nothing anymore! Tis your life now.

 

As for the sex part. It's just ex sex and means nothing.

In a way, what you two are doing is using each other to get over each other. It happens often after BU.

 

" I feel like he wasn't using me, and genuinely is confused about his feelings and got as lost in the moment as I did. And if that's true, well then what now?"

- If you had a bf, would you be doing this to him? Sleeping with your Ex?

If not, then think of it that way. Think you'd never do that to your partner and I think that'll STOP you from doing this with your ex...

 

I suggest you do NOT go to his new gf about this. He is already so 'confused' etc. ( Good- he chose this) It is most likely a 'rebound relationship'. Give it time, it most likely won't last.. BUT was his choice to do this.

 

I highly suggest you do not run out into the arms of a man for many months from now.

I lost my love of 5 yrs, a year ago. It took 9 months to stop the tears. I needed therapy.

 

Most times, we cannot be 'friends' until those 'feelings' are gone. Could take a year or more.

Meanwhile, I suggest, since you've come to your senses by sounds of it, you now back off him, totally. Have nothing more to do with him other than the kids!

The rest needs not to be.

 

Be firm and say you want no more of this. Respect each other and give each other the space needed. No more caving in.

 

One day at a time... tc