Friendship VS. No Contact ???

[jnelson]

Which method is most effective in regards to getting back together with your ex if you are the dumpee....Do you think trying to maintain a friendship is best (perhaps slowly work your way back into the relationship, show him/her that you have changed) or no contact?

 

I realize it depends on the situation and every case is different, but what have you guys found most effective in current/past relationships?

[ShuShu Fontana]

I'm going to say No Contact. I think I made it too easy for my ex my always being available and wanting to be friends so quickly. If I had disappeared it might have given him some time to refelct on our decision to break up. In being friends, I found that he was getting all the benefits of dating me without dating me (and sex). That wasn't fair to me. "I feel like I'm losing you." We broke up! That's what happens! If you don't want to lose me, date me!

If you're trying to get them back, first really think about why you broke up, but nevertheless, I say NC is the way to go. Let them wonder about you and see what life is like without you. That should give them something to think about.

[Switch187]

Both have worked for me, and both havn't worked for me. It really all depends on the situation (how the break came about, how the relationship was, etc.). In my past, NC drove some girls further away, and made some really interested in knowing what I was doing (i.e. keeping tabs). When I tried keeping the friendship, it made some girls just feel awkward after a while and made them not want to see/talk anymore, or other times it would just help us find what we wanted with each other. With my current g/f, when we broke up a while ago we used a combination of both NC and keeping a friendship. We both knew when we needed time/space away from each other so we would establish NC, but we would still arrange to meet with each other at least once a week to talk. If the NC went all the way through to the time of the meeting, when we met we would discuss if we still wanted more NC. This method of both types helped both of us get the space/time needed to sort out feelings that we had, as well as keep us close enough to know that we were still there for each other when needed. It also made the reunion a little easier since we were already that close anyways. It's best to just do what you feel is best, and that's about it.

[Iceman26]

No contact, make the dumper come back to you. If they don't then you know they moved on and you have saved yourself a lot of stress and energy and the anxiety of being friends with the dumper.

 

If you can stand by and watch the dumper date other people, then be their friend. Not too many people can do that though.

[Bizw]

I've just been through two of the most diffucult months of my life after my girlfriend of five years left me. I tried both no contact and friendship. The no contact made her try and call me over and over, which was the most she has shown she has cared since. Although no contact is meant to heal you and not be used as a method to get her back as I was.

 

I also tried being friends and working slowing back into the realtionship. I think if you can handle being friends and not be overly emotional it's better than no contact. I was not able to do so, I would get very upset when I was treated like nothing more than a friend. I found it very hard to hold my emotions inside, which is what you must do if you want her back. Appear strong, like you can stand on your own two feet.

 

The last thing I'll say, is everyone on here told me not to keep holding on. I knew it was good advice but I chose not to listen. While I held on for 2 monthes and last night I found out shes starting to date another guy shes been talking to for the past month everyday. I don't want to be a nay-sayer but be very very careful if you decide to maintain a friendship. Your very vunerable then, and you can get hurt worse.

[Hope75]

It def. depends on the details of the relationship.

 

I am still in contact with my ex, who I want back, but I am backing off and giving him space too. We did not have an angry breakup and our relationship was for the most part pretty good, so I think for us to have a chance we need to be able to talk about it.

 

What are your details?

[kantore]

it really does not matter...if they are gonna come back, then they will wether you do nc or not.....and usually if they do come back it usually fails a second time. Its better to leave the past where it belongs....behind you, and look towards the future.

[Mun]

If they can dump you and not feel any remorse.. No Contact..If they still care for you then NC is going to surprise them and make them wonder what happened... if they come crawling back and want to be friends and actually put some effort into winning you back... then take the frienship but proceed with caution. They hurt you once and they can do it again so protect yourself by not giving more than you are comfortable giving.

 

I don't like being friends with an ex I think it keeps us from moving on to a new person and I also think it's not fair to the new person if we are still holding on to the ex... I'm friendly but not friends.

[jnelson]

Well said muneca...

 

I can't say I really agree with kantore 100%...I think in some cases it's not worth it to try and salvage anything from the relationship and other times it is....

 

Hope75...you don't want to know my details...too long!

 

Anyone else have opinions...??

[ajk]

i also think it depends on the people and the situation. i do agree with muneca though that if you are involved in other relationships after, it's not fair to the new person.

 

i think that saying "it usually doesn't work out" if people try a second time doesn't look at the reasons WHY it doesn't work out. it has nothing to do with leaving the past the past. things will work out a second time if both people have reflected on why it didn't work out the first time, if both people are willing to look at those things and see how they can reestablish the relationship as something new, not just re-institute the same one they had.

 

i don't know a single long-term couple, now happily together, who hasn't broken up at some point. EVERYONE goes through misunderstandings and breakups.

 

NC was the way some of them went...staying in contact was the way for others. it just depends.

 

i think NC is the way to go when you are being treated poorly...

[FleX]

I would have to go with everyone and say NC.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi,

 

Looking back at my previous relationships, I think a mixture of both worked best. By that I mean not to contact them on your own, but reply if they contact you.

 

I am still in contact with most of my exes because I hate losing a person I once loved, unless he was a jerk, then I am glad to let him go.

 

The two guys I had the most serious relationships with I am still in contact with and both have repeatedly shown interest in getting back together.

 

My ex who I was with from age 19 to 23 is still writing me at least once a month and in nearly every mail expresses his desire to see me again. (He lives at the other side of the planet from me now). A year after we broke up I saw him again for the first time and he really wanted to get back together. When I made it clear to him that I was not interested and actually had a new bf, he decided to move far, far away because he could not stand being so close to me while knowing that it was over for good.

 

My other ex who I only dated for a few months, but who absolutely broke my heart when he dumped me, tried getting back together as well about a year after the breakup. By then I was already with my recent bf and thereforeeee told him I was not interested.

 

So both tried to come back and I think that happened only because we were still in contact, even if only once a month or so.

 

That's why I am trying to stay in touch with my current ex because I hope that one day down the line he will also want to get back together. Would be typical though if by then I was with somebody else already.

[xtine]

I have to agree with everyone who says NC. So far, it has worked for me in getting my ex back (though we are taking things very slowly right now). I think this is why it worked for me:

 

1- He asked for a break, and I calmly told him that I wanted more and wasn't willing to change my feelings on a dime like that. I told him that I wouldn't allow myself to be hurt emotionally that way, so no contact.

 

2- I know that if I had tried to be friends with him I would have been sarcastic and snippy in an effort to hide my hurt, which would have driven him away. I knew myself well enough to know how it would turn out, so NC was the only choice for me.

 

3- By not allowing myself to contact him I didn't dissolve into the crazy girl, demanding answers and being irrational. It KILLED me to leave that phone alone, but I knew that any conversation we had when I was in that frame of mind would end badly, and I didn't want him to see that side of me.

 

4- I wanted to give him the chance to miss me, and he did. If he hadn't, then I would have been better off without him. But we both missed each other, so there's still something there.

 

I will also agree with everyone who said that in a way, it doesn't matter. You have to pick the thing that is going to preserve whatever is good about your relationship and then hope that there's something to save. But sometimes there isn't anything left to save, and no amount of not talking to/being friends with someone is going to force them to have feelings for you if they don't.

[sleepwalker]

It depends.

 

I got my ex back twice (three year relationship) by staying friends but never get into relationship talk. Just keeping a very relaxed, positive, aloof attitude. That worked really well in getting her back. I sort of thought of it all as a "whole new date" : you would never dig real serious into relationship problems too early with a new person, would you ? Then we had the real talks later on, once some of the trust was back again.

 

I would say to people in general here (I have followed this board for a year now, during all my relationship turbulence) : The problem is not getting them back but keeping them!!!!!! You have to be incredibly strong if you manage to hold them once you have them back. They left once and they may leave again. Not only that, but your insecurities (one of the main reasons for almost all breakups) will have doubled in strength. AND you try to find comfort in the person who caused these insecurities=very difficult situation.

 

For the first time I will do no contact now. But is is just to get over her, not to get her back. I stayed her "cool friend" and got her back - but I see now that it will never be the same. Never be the same. Never be the same..... and you cannot settle for second best after loving someone of all of your heart (and in this situation, the ex turns out to be that second best, because some the trust-bond will never be the same, something I did not realize until I got her back)

 

So, be strong and be friends if you can stay aloof, things may develop.

Or get into NC and heal (but do not wait for wonders to happen)

 

SW

[rnorth]

It really depends on the situation. Sometimes being friends can work out better, sometimes its just best to get that space.

 

Be friends only if you can be agreeable and not let things bother you. Show her you are happy. Happiness is very attractive and makes you more magnetic. Seriously do not freak out at anything she has to say. Just be agreeable. If you can't follow this, and are too tender, best to take your own space.

 

Hope this helps.

[InLoveAndConfused]

I have found that no contact works best. When me and my girlfriend broke up, I told her that I think it would be best if we didnt talk to or see each other anymore, she broke down and told me that she couldnt picture herself with out me. After about a week of no contact we got back together.

 

I think no contact allows the other person to really see what they lost. Cuz I was originally talking to my girlfriend for a bit and helping her after we broke up, but things werent improving for us, so I just stopped talking to her and then she realized she really wanted to be with me and we got back together.

[hhi2625]

I know that we use NC as a way to heal, which I admit does work, but also as a way to allow our ex's to miss us. Does anyone have a story though where an ex has come back after absolute NC for a period?

[detox5]

I cant say come back, but mine has chased after like a full period of NC, lets say 6 weeks. Im still deciding weather to go NC or friends.

me and my ex are friends, she has alot of feelings for me still, but she is with another dude, shes in a stage right now where she doesnt know what she wants, she says shes happy with him, but dont think shes totally happy with that.

 

Im wondering, do i stick around and be her friend how I have been, or do I NC up and just totally disapear, im finding it real hard on what to do, I do think its scares her when i say "youve changed" cause she thinks im getin disinterested in her, and I think deep down shes scared to loose me completely.

[fantasia2004]

etox what do you really want from her if not for yourself.?

[panchala23]

i did NC with my ex (just broke up again) three years ago for three months. We got back together after that. This time I decided that I really didn't want to do NC because last time when I did it I had a lot of trouble with it because she is just such a big part of my life. So this time we talk, but I definitely am giving her the space she asked for. WHo knows which one works better. We talk very well and its fun, but it could also just make us become friends instead. I very much agree with what most people on here posted. It just depends on the situation whether you get back together or not. Ultimately, I dont think either will change the outcome, maybe in terms of time, but not overall. The person will decide they miss you whether you are talking to them or not. Also, I don't want to manipulate her into loving me, I want her to figure it out herself.

[detox5]

hey fant, want from her is to come to me, from me? right now i want to do a little healing and be strong again so i am in more of power, pans idea is kinda what im gonna do, im gonna do 2 weeks nc cause shes kinda messed up my head a litttle, just to get myself back to normal.

then i will sign on and off but really not as i used to, you cant maniplate love, your right pan. If its meant to be it will be "war is like love, it always finds a way" lets just all hang in there.

 

They need to come to us, I realised that we were perfect, we bonded so well, and i still look back and there was no arguments, no negative vibe in the relationship, everything was perfect, she needs to realise that, as have I, or i wouldnt be chasing soo much cause i think were both a perfect match, and was meant for each other.

[Marko]

my ex of 10 days says she misses me, is depressed, and cares a lot for me, but felt the relationship didn't work out. we worked togther and went home together every single night and day. I think all we needed was a little space, trust, openess.

 

She says she still wants to hang out and be friends because she has a lot of fun with me.

 

I trying to decide whether or not to be her friend with space or do NC. We tentatively made plans for tomorrow, but Im really scared of being turned down.

 

whatta you think I should do ? Im a mess, but I am ok when Im with her, just a little shooken up and jittery.

[keefy1972]

Same here Marko. I am a mess without my ex, but when I would spend time with her, everything was right with the world. As close as we were, I still get jittery and nervous whenever I am near her. This is EXACTLY why friendship would not work. If you still have deep feelings for her and you are not prepared to learn of her new love interests or even have a hard time just thinking about her with someone else, you would most definitely be wise to go the No Contact route. Friendship with someone you love so dearly, but she/he doesn't feel as strongly or is confused as to how they feel, is total self torture. I know because I tried it for 10 months. I became so frustrated emotionally by bottling up my disappointment, that after a few months of playing the friend, I would just explode on her. Said mean and hurtful things to her that I would have never dreamed of saying before. I was simply venting my frustrations on her, but the things I said were very hurtful to her and that has forced me into the no contact thing. I just cant handle friendship and hurting her in any way is the last thing I wanted to do. But that's just me, maybe you are stronger than me and can handle the ups and downs of friendship. Only you can know the answer to that.

[Marko]

She just called me. Said she called to say "hi". The conversation went great...perfect really. we spoke for about 10 minutes, which is long for both of us. she told me about work, and some funny stories about her going out last night, one that included a co-worker's b/f grabbing her butt twice, then both of them asking her to go home w/ them. I believe she told me this to see how I would react. I just laughed, and hid my anger and jealousy. I told her how I was changing, but didn't put it that way...it was more like, "you know, I had to step outta the box and get a new perspective....so I been doing a lot of hiking and kayaking, listening to the night, etc. She said that she would like to do somthing tomorrow, but only if i was ok. That she really likes to be with me, but doesn't want to lead me on. She said if somthing happens, it will happen naturally, so she just wants to go out as friends.

 

what do you think ? Does she want to see evidence in my changes and a commitment to my location before trying to work things out, or do you think she truly just wants to be friends ?? She has stated over the past week that she misses me, cares a lot about me, and is depressed.

 

Just as I was typing this, she called and asked me if I could take her to work, that she would give me gas $$, and shefeels terrible having to ask me.

 

what do you make of this ?

[keefy1972]

Well, I would say that she may truly just want to be friends for right now. She is in an uncomfortable position just like you are and the way most people deal with that is surround themselves with things that are familliar. You are familliar. I would suggest you not hang out with her for a while and, like I am sure you have heard before, let her experience life without you for a while. She can then make her mind up if she likes you in or out of her life.