Need advice please - why can't he just say that he feels the same way too.

[Shwe]

Hi everyone, I really need to talk to someone and need advice. Normally I talk to my friends but they are either tired of hearing or think that I am being dramatic/taking things so serious unnecessarily. (Since English is not my mother language, apologies that something I say here impolite or makes you confused.It's just my English which doesn't go where I want to.)

 

Okay well.. he and I met and became friends a few months ago.We are both working at consulting firms. We volunteer for an NGO on weekends -providing consultancy support. It's actually like an internship -we also get on the job training.Anyway..that's how we met. Well, long story to be short, he does everything enough to make me think that he likes me. He teases me a lot. For example, when I ask him "one question-" then he answered right away " ask me everything anything " with a stupid grin.Then when I ask "Can you give me-" He couldn't wait for me to finish my line, just interrupted me and said "please everything. I would give everything for you". Things like that. He has a good sense of humor and did make me smile.Once I was just talking with my project mate and he came over and gave me tissue paper. Only then I realized that I have a cold. Sometimes he stares at me. He is always ready to make a cup of coffee for me. Oh by the way.. he is 2 years older than me.He is 25 and I am 23. (In our tradition,in our country,we have to pay respect to elder ones even if they are only a day older than you. I mean it's not very common that someone who is older than you cares for you and makes you coffee and hand you tissue. Does it even make sense for you? A few weeks ago, we had to go on a trip regarding our project. He took care of me (extraordinary care) through the 2-day whole trip.At one point he patted my head like I am puppy! We had an amazing time. Nothing special happened but smiling at each others and looking at each other sometimes while being in the friend zone.Just as good coworkers/project mates to each others. But you know, (I think) we both knew that something is going on between him and I. One thing I noticed about him is that he is polite and decent. At least I can say he tries to be a polite person. He never touched me unnecessarily.(Sometimes I even wish he would give me a hug when we say goodbye )He gives my space. He treats me with respect.

 

He did all sort of cute things.Things that made me wonder if he likes me. Two week ago, I happened to be at his office with him alone together for some strong reasons. Believe me. The other staff were out and took leave on that day. It was raining hard so I was all wet when I got into his office. (The situation was like I am in one of the romantic movie scenes.) So he made me two cup of hot coffee, offered his clothes to change, ( I didn't change the clothes though), choco pie and said he will cook noodle soup if I want. Well we talked about project related things and worked. He suggested to eat noodle soup together for lunch but I wasn't hungry. So I told him I don't want to eat yet. Then he said if I don't eat then he won't eat. (Not like in a way of saying as a normal conversation) He was talking very sweet. At that point I just got an idea - one thing that I wanted to do.I though I would ask him if he has feelings for me. So I started the conversation by saying "there is something I've been meaning to ask you" Please see below some of our conversation I remember

 

Myself: (Let's call him T): T, I am having this conversation with you because I care about you. You've been so nice to me. I am thinking of something but I need to ask you if it's true. Before things get into any more serious,because I don't want to hurt you.I cannot afford to lose you, a good friend.Okay. Correct me if I am wrong, I think you have some feelings for me. I've been thinking a lot lately, there is a thing. We can't neglect that we are from those religion ( Note in our country, his and my religion hate each other. If you ask how much? That involves killing people. I am serious. Started a case where his religion people raped and killed my religion girl. Rumor also has it that his religion people hate us so much and their plan is to get married girls of my religion..Okay this is a very sensitive topic and I am not sure if I should post it here.) So i don't know. Is it true? Do you have feelings for me?

He: No answer. Just looking at me..for a while

Myself please,say something. I believe someone is having feeling or falling for another one is a beautiful thing. ( I was trying to help him and trying to let him know it is okay. I don't discriminate.I against it.) You are also very nice to me. I will be grateful for that.

He: ...

Myself: T, I need to know and literally I have to get back to work.Don't have a lot of time.And honestly I believe I deserve to know "yes" or 'no". You know it is not easy for me to have this conversation.

He: I admit that I care for you a lot. It is pretty obvious. (with smile) I am always worried for you. I couldn't help myself. I notice that you enjoy talking to me. Normally you're a very quiet person. ( I don't know why he is telling me that. I think he ran out of things to say at that moment.)

Myself: yeah I even told you that I enjoyed talking to you. so please go on

He

Myself: T? my question?

He am sorry.It's not something a good man/gentle man supposed to say. No...again, I admit that I care for you. And I will keep doing that I can't help myself. But to answer your question, I am not there yet. I am sorry. For now I don't feel you that way.

(At that time, I was surprised and speechless for a few minutes as I didn't expect a No. After all those things he did and he is sure that he has no feelings for me? I am not even asking him if he likes me. Let alone "love me"come on.)

Myself: Okay.. it's okay. No need to be sorry for. I mean I appreciate the honesty. Guess I am making things up in my head. But if I may, I think if you are being like this, maybe with another girl, I think she would think the same way. But with me,I asked you so that you can give an answer. I think sometimes your being nice makes other person think and get wrong idea. You should be careful with what you are saying and doing in the future. Also,for me, I am not so sure if I should be that honest, you know, I can't say I am 100.00%sure that my friendship with you is that pure.

 

Okay, the rest of the conversation..not very important I guess. You know what, at that night, he texted me saying I made him think too much and he cannot get me out of his mind and he cannot afford to lose me as well. Then the next day is my birthday. He text birthday wish and wrote good night with a kissing face. I mean, what the hell is that? I tried not to notice the kissing face and thanked him for the wish. I mean, that's me. It's not about right or wrong,good or bad, I am not acting all high but I don't flirt especially after he gave me a No. It's not fair for me right? Am I being crazy or over dramatic? What else he is expecting from me? Given that me hanging out with him is not very easy in my community. People stare at me when I hang out having coffee together with him due to anti-his religion riot in the country. He is not mixed blooded. He has the real looking so I can't lie to people.

 

What do I do now? I think I am addicted to him. He hasn't talked/text me since the last time.The last text was about he is asking where I am? I didn't answer but I was asking him back if has finished the report? No answer since then, I don't know.But worst of all, we don't have to meet these weeks till at the end of this month. I don't want to start calling him. That would make me needy (which I am but..) and cheap. I want him to starting talking to me and be like before he used to be.Now I sort of regret that I shouldn't have asked for an answer. Just pretend and go with it. But well, I couldn't help my self. There was a voice saying in my head i can't go any further..I have to ask!

 

Well, that's a little embarrassing but anyway, I need help. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with that No. I don't want to be strangers with him. Not now at least because I've been spoiled by his care and kindness. I want them back. Please don't say "get over it". I am happy to be with him. I don't want to think about much if things will work out between him and I. But just would like to live and enjoy the moment. I still want him to care for me like before. You know what, no text, no fb message so far since then. But we both agreed that that doesn't affect our friendship. We were talking nice the last time. I think he just lost his attraction of me. I guess. I assume first he thinks I am not very easy to get and he values for it. But somehow, since I told him, he realized that I am falling for him. So he just taking me less seriously. That' what I think. Please tell me what do you think?What do I do now?

 

Apologies again for my English.

[beingawesome]

Just curious - what country are you from?

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds like he was enjoying some harmless flirting with you and probably had no intention of taking it further, just an office thing. You caught him off guard when you took it seriously and asked him what his intentions were. He has probably realized that it is a bad idea to get romantically involved with you, since your two religions are enemies, and since you work together. If I were you, I would try to just move on here. Avoid him at work if possible, no more calls or texts, keep it all professional, and move on. You can do it.

[RainyCoast]

Hi Shwe, welcome to the forum

 

I'm so sorry to hear your country is in such difficult times. I hope you're at least relatively safe where you are.

 

The young man.. It's obvious he does care for you a lot. His hesitant behavior could be due to many reasons, you never know what people are going through or have gone through to be so careful about developing strong feelings for others. I wouldn't rush him.

Try to enjoy his friendship for now, you like each other and that can be precious even if it doesn't involve romance. I understand nationality and religion are a problem but I suppose that would be just as difficult (or more) if you were indeed a couple? Take care of your safety first.

I'm sorry I can't be of more help, I would assume with the situation in your country being so violent young people like you have a great deal of difficulty socializing and dating, not to mention a bunch of other issues as well probably. I hope someone else will have more suggestions.

p.s. you mention working together and even though it's just training i would suggest going over the workplace policy on personal relationships in the workplace. Some companies (regardless of this being an NGO which are usually less strict about that judging from my own experience) are strongly against it. Just make sure you're not jeopardizing your job if anyone finds out, okay?

Best wishes!

[RedDress]

For what it's worth, I don't think that you should apologize for your English. You are very good! You expressed yourself quite clearly, in my opinion.

 

I know that it hurts and that a change in the relationship is hard... but it's really a good thing that he is not taking care of you anymore. It was those actions that lead to the confusion... and really... you told him yourself that he shouldn't be acting that way towards girls who are friends as it might give them the wrong idea. Now you are saying that you DO want him to act that way towards you even though he doesn't feel that way?? Think about it. You are saying opposite things.

 

I think you just wish that you could "undo" asking him the question. The change in the way he is treating you is reminding you that he said "No". And yes... that's a little painful. But... you can't "undo" the question and you should not. You were brave for asking for clarification. Brave and wise. Otherwise, you could have wasted more months and years not knowing how he felt.

 

I'm sorry that things have changed, but it sounds like this is for the best. You have your answer. You don't have to wonder anymore. You can concentrate your energies on someone who WILL love you and who is ready for a relationship.

 

My advice is to try not to think about him anymore. Treat him the way that you would treat other colleagues. Be happy with the change in the relationship, because it is now as it should be. Start to get out and date a little more so that your energies are focused in the right place.

[Shwe]

Myanmar next to Thailand

[Shwe]

Thank you. You helped me a lot. It is true that it is not very easy to socialize here.

 

We are both working at different consulting firms. We met at our weekend NGO program where we volunteer which is also a providing consultancy support for free of charge. I think their work policy is not very strict. Again, thank you

[Shwe]

You are so right. You opened my eyes and yeah I should move on...hoping he won't be so nice to me again.

 

Thanks for your encouragement with my English.

[Shwe]

It sounds like he was enjoying some harmless flirting with you and probably had no intention of taking it further, just an office thing. You caught him off guard when you took it seriously and asked him what his intentions were. He has probably realized that it is a bad idea to get romantically involved with you, since your two religions are enemies, and since you work together. If I were you, I would try to just move on here. Avoid him at work if possible, no more calls or texts, keep it all professional, and move on. You can do it.

 

I have received 4 responses so far and all really helped me! It's so true that it is the only thing he is doing - harmless flirting. I will try to move on. Thanks!