figures Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Today is day two since my girlfriend of 4 years left. She came back today to get more of her stuff and we talked some more which made me feel even worse. At least I have in my head pretty firmly now that our relationship is over. I have asked her several different ways to try to determine if she has doubts or second thoughts. She says she is using her mind instead of her heart. I feel like a zombie sitting here in front of the computer reading a million articles on breakups. I think I've got a pretty good idea of what to do but I can't break contact yet due to to many shared business issues not to mention she still has stuff to move out to her new place. My business has not been going well and money is a real problem. I don't have medical insurance because I can't afford it. I have no family nearby and one friend who is not very supportive. He says it was inevitable due to our age difference and I should just get over it. This coming from a guy who is my age about 57 and has only had one relationship his whole life...his wife. Here is my question...how am I can going to cope for the next few weeks? Unfortunately, I live above where I work because I can't afford a separate house in order to keep the budget cost down. I feel like I have lost everything and have nothing to live for anymore. Even if I can get through this I still have all the money issues to deal with since my x will no longer be helping to pay the bills. I have three daughters but almost never see or talk to any of them. They call me on my birthday and that is about it. Making new friends at my age is beyond difficult and I'm so hurt I can't even think about the future. The future scares the hell out of me. I've only posted once before since I new and I got lectured about the age difference between me and my x. I know. Believe me I know. I hope she is happy. I never would have gotten involved with her if I wasn't 100% sure she was wanting it as much as I was. But now she doesn't feel that way. She told me yesterday it was because she wanted children which I don't wnat but today it is totally other reasons. I guess she just didn't want to tell me the truth. In spite of everything I don't harbor any significant ill will toward her. I'm just sorry I got involved with her in the first place and have to try to heal with all the money issues and family problems. It is really sad but this is the only place I have to go for help. I'm talking to a board of strangers and spilling my guts. I don't know how my life ended up here. I feel pathetic and helpless. Someone please help me. Link to comment
Jewels7 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I know you feel pathetic and helpless, but you are not!!! It hurts like hell and I'm sorry you are going through this. Even though you were concerned about the age difference in the beginning, you still had hopes and dreams and wanted for this relationship to work. I think a lot of people have had relationships they have felt that way about. It isn't time wasted though (I think all of us feel that way after a BU. That gets better trust me). Once you go NC things will start getting a little easier on you (it gets harder before it gets better so hang in there). I know you say you don't really talk to your children, but maybe now would be a good time to reach out to them. It might be beneficial to your healing. I'm sorry you are going through this! There is nothing wrong with posting this on a forum. We are all here for the same reason and are here for you any time! Link to comment
figures Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 I called one of my daughters and she was very kind and empathetic. She helped me feel a little better. I'm normally a very strong man but I feel like I'm coming apart here. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 You are the one with the 27-year old ex? I remember you. Perhaps you can get into therapy? You can find a counselor on a sliding scale. Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Join the club buddy. One month out of a 16 year relationship. Everything was great until 24 hours before she left me. She seemed perfectly fine every day and I couldnt have been happier. I was completely blindsided. She cheated on me and left out of the blue. So, I am still completely devastated and in shock one month out. In my mind, there is no way anyone could have ever felt the amount of pain that I have been in in human history. Sometimes I would rather saw off my own arm than deal with it anymore. Heres the trick........................... Deal with it. I have found that I need to embrace these crazy unpredictable and horrible emotions. That is the best solution for me. Be depressed. Cry like a baby if you can. Get angry it that is what comes naturally. Be petrified. Be destroyed. Embrace it. Ride it like a bull and try not to fall off of it. My ex took everything from me in the blink of an eye without any warning. My world revolved around her completely. She was the only thing I wanted or needed in this world. When she left, she took my confidence, motivation, pride, love, passion for life, happiness. EVERYTHING. My life was lived for us. I quickly realized that I dont care about myself or anything else in this world at all. Literally. Everything went grey scale. The world is like a burnt down forest. A waste land... Anyways. Embrace it. Do what you CAN do. Everyone says "go to the gym", "go out and party", "Go find something to take your mind off of it"... Forget all that. Embrace it and do the things that you CAN do. The little things that you are willing to do. Stay on line reading. Try to take a walk. Clean the house. Do the little things to break up the day and try to put together a routine for yourself. It will be a pathetic and sad routine but it will help. You have hobbies and interests that probably seem pointless now. But there is one or two things that you might be willing to do. Do them to break up the day. Dont force yourself to go skydiving, rock climbing and all this other crap that you dont give a damn about. Do the things you CAN do. Its going to suck. Its going to suck bad but at least that is one certain thing. I am personally a believer in fate. There was a good solid week at the beginning of my nightmare where I couldnt even believe in that. Didnt take long to come back to me. It happened for a reason even if I have no idea yet what that reason is. It was meant to be. There is no question about it. It happened and my life is ruined but it was clearly supposed to happen. That is a fact. Another thing that is certain. The only other thing that I have which I believe is that "time heals all". I am nowhere near being happy. I am still petrified and devastated completely and in shock but I know for a fact that time will make things better. We both just need to hold on tight and ride this bull. Embrace it. The only other thing that I have found to really help is to find supports and talk to them as much as humanly possible. I only have a few and I am running them into the ground. Dont care. It is what I need and I am lucky to have at least a few decent supports to cry to and process with. use this forum to vent. It is very helpful. Seek out local groups. Any kind of local support group or a singles club. Whatever you can find. It will give you something to look forward to even though everything is completely negative in our lives. FIGHT IT! Feel free to PM me if you want to chat or if I can help with more support. I am in the fight of my life right now and helping you would help me. Good luck! I hope I have at least contributed at least one new thing to help you. Keep searching. That is helping yourself and fighting. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 How do I PM you? As a new member you need more posts before your PM gets activated. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Figures....then click on Destroyed33's name. There will be a spot that says Private Message under his name. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Figures....then click on Destroyed33's name. There will be a spot that says Private Message under his name. He needs more posts. His PM is not activated - that means he can neither send, nor receive PMs, yet. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Join the club buddy. One month out of a 16 year relationship. Everything was great until 24 hours before she left me. She seemed perfectly fine every day and I couldnt have been happier. I was completely blindsided. She cheated on me and left out of the blue. Spreading this message is troublesome to me. She cheated on you six years ago - had a full-on online relationship outside of your relationship. You'd been critical of her for a while (and stopped). She sat you down and said she would not have kids with you if your drinking continued last year. There were problems ... seemingly resolved but not completely. OP, I'm concerned that you are nearing your 60s and the only person close to you was your girlfriend. Keep reaching out to your kids for support/encouragement. Also, don't assume that just because people say that the age gap relationships don't work that it's not supportive. It's just not what you want to hear ... but it is advice that would probably save you a lot of heartache in the future. It's fishy if she's changing the reason for the breakup and it's possible someone else is in the picture. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Yeah...i know...but i meant when he DOES have enough posts....lol Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Yeah...i know...but i meant when he DOES have enough posts....lol okay, no problem Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Listen, I dont want to hijack this guys thread but every relationship has issues of some variation. We were together for 16 years and in the grand scheme of things, it was a great relationship from my perspective and I thought she was on the same page as me because she did an incredible job pretending to be. That issue we had 6 or 7 years ago, looking back on it, it made us stronger in a lot of ways, highlighted things that needed to change and made me change myself for the better in a lot of ways for the sake of our relationship. The drinking? Same thing. No relationship is flawless especially one as long as the one I had. I could count the issues on one hand. Don't judge. Anyways, OP, I guess you need to get a few more posts in before you have the ability to Private Message me. Probably need like 20 posts or something. I will definitely be around man! Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Do what you CAN do. Everyone says "go to the gym", "go out and party", "Go find something to take your mind off of it"... Forget all that. Embrace it and do the things that you CAN do. The little things that you are willing to do. Stay on line reading. Try to take a walk. Clean the house. Do the little things to break up the day and try to put together a routine for yourself. It will be a pathetic and sad routine but it will help. You have hobbies and interests that probably seem pointless now. But there is one or two things that you might be willing to do. Do them to break up the day. Dont force yourself to go skydiving, rock climbing and all this other crap that you dont give a damn about. Do the things you CAN do. That's one way of putting it... We are trying to give you some advice, and never said to do something that one cannot do. What we are suggesting is doing something instead of staying around your house, surrounded by things and memories from your past with her. Look, what I've told you in your other post was a 10-steps way of achieving actually something out of it. Of course it will not tone down your sadness, your anger or whatever BUT it will most definitely put you in a better position. Getting past an horrendous break-up requires 2 things : Work and time. It worked for me, it worked for a great part of the members of this website so why wouldn't it work on you ? Rationnaly speaking ? Furthermore, and that's my personal comment : We, as men, are damn prone to obsessive thoughts in general. Women are less likely to suffer from it, it's a documented fact. They have different mechanisms in their minds for this kind of situations. Therefore, when given the opportunity (moping at home, being surrounded by memories etc.), your brain will naturally make another link to your ex, even for the smallest of reason. THIS MAKES US SUFFER. So you need to allow your brain to focus on something else, even if it's for another obsession, like working out or working (nobody suffers from these...). My god, when I remember how obsessive I was with my ex, I sometimes wonder how women do to bear with us... Can't even imagine gay couples, it must be a living hell sometimes ;-) Link to comment
figures Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 I agree...it's fishy. But it just doesn't matter anymore. I think after our talk yesterday when she came back to get more of her stuff to move...I learned it is really over. My mind keeps sneaking back wanting to believe she will change her mind or something but when I am thinking rationally I know better. I don't think her pride would allow her to do that even if she wanted to and I know my pride would not allow her to come back even if she wanted. I would also wonder when the next time would come. It's easier today somewhat, I guess because its a work day. I absolutely dread the thought of dating again not that I'm anywhere near wanting to date. But the thought of living the rest of my life alone is not for me. I guess this all part of the breakup....having to realize all your thoughts and beliefs about the future are gone. "Poof" just like magic...and they're gone! She texted while I was getting ready for work this morning about coming to get the rest of her stuff around lunch today...so I guess this will be the last time I see her. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm afraid I will wish I had asked something and didn't. The only peace I have in my life now is when I sleep...how sad is that? Link to comment
hurtinheart Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 4 years is a good run. Just got dumped 40 days ago after 5.5 years. Still smartin pretty bad. I question the idea, in this day and age, that we are supposed to have ONE long term relationship for life, rather it may be a series of short monogamous ones, 2 years, then 16 years, then 5.5 years, etc. Anyway, now being squarely in middle age, I really want to get to the point that they harp about "being happy and complete with and within yourself." I crave peace and serenity and really want to work on getting there independent of relationships. Chin up, my man. We survive and thrive. Link to comment
Realitynut Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Furthermore, and that's my personal comment : We, as men, are damn prone to obsessive thoughts in general. Women are less likely to suffer from it, it's a documented fact. ;-) I must be a man....and don't know it! Link to comment
Realitynut Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 At least you're having peace while you sleep...i didn't even have that! Link to comment
figures Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Well she texted to ask if she could come over around 11:30am to get some more of her stuff. When she go here I was not trying to talk to her about our relationship and was kind but distant. She seemed really surprised that I was not wanting to respond to her happy mood. I'm slowly trying to get it through my thick head that I have to care about me and stop worrying about someone who does not want me anymore. My mom got home from a cruise today so I finally got a chance to talk to her a bit but I didn't want to get all upset again right before I have an apt coming in at work. So I told her I would call her tonight. She listened and did not judge and was very easy to talk to about this. My mom is so great. I'm finding myself just wanting to take some sleeping pills and going back to sleep. At least I get some time away from it. But I know I have to deal with this...arggghhhhh!!! Right now I wish I had never met her so I wouldn't have to feel like this. I will get better in time...I will get better in time...I will get better in time. Link to comment
Destroyed 33 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 You gotta love that split personallity. It is so twisted. Twilight zone!!!! Chicks are NUTS!!!!! Take the bull by the horns buddy. Ride this beast. Its going to beat the hell out of you. Endure it. Embrace it just don't lie down. Keep taking these punches to the face and get back up for another one. Mohamed Ali style! I am still taking a massive beating and although there is not an ounce of happiness in sight, I cant afford to lose everything and end up on the street. Fight! Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I must be a man....and don't know it! It's never too late to reveal yourself Link to comment
figures Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Question... It's only been a few days since the bombshell she dropped on me that she wants to breakup. I have no reason to believe she will change her mind since she told me this on June 27th. She still has stuff here to pick up and mover to where she is living. I'm assuming I should go NC after she is gone since it would be kind of impossible after that. When she came over today to get stuff I was distant but polite and boy did she notice since I was not trying to talk her out of leaving. I've got it in my head she is gone and won't changer her mind. I'm basing this on what I know about her that when she says its over its over. I changed the locks and security code today so I know she can't get back in without talking to me first. So I'm assuming NC comes after she is fully out? Figures Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Furthermore, and that's my personal comment : We, as men, are damn prone to obsessive thoughts in general. Women are less likely to suffer from it, it's a documented fact. They have different mechanisms in their minds for this kind of situations. Therefore, when given the opportunity (moping at home, being surrounded by memories etc.), your brain will naturally make another link to your ex, even for the smallest of reason. THIS MAKES US SUFFER. You know I love you but I don't buy this at all. I remember being obsessive about exes. And my female friends have obsessed. We talk and talk and talk to process the breakup ... which is another word for obsessing. So, show me your proof. Link to comment
figures Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I know I'm probably screwing up but I called her and we talked until my battery went dead on my cell phone. She says the reason she left if because we didn't spend enough time together anymore. She acts like she wants to stay in touch. Is this something that dumpers do? Do they want you to keep hope alive? Why would they lead you on if they are really over. I figure I can start NC when she has all her stuff out but I wanted to keep the door open to reconcile until that time. Am I kidding myself? I'm confused. Link to comment
Brotherhood67 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 You know I love you but I don't buy this at all. I remember being obsessive about exes. And my female friends have obsessed. We talk and talk and talk to process the breakup ... which is another word for obsessing. So, show me your proof. Well ! You love me ? Show me proof ! ^-^ Anyway, I simply read my documents too quickly because it's the other way around ! For exemple : link removed Well my "general" point still remains (what a dumb*** ^-^). OK, I might add for good measure : "Listen to women, they are more likely than us to be right" ! Link to comment
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