how to let go

[t1lersm0m1]

I'm having a somewhat hard time. Rich and I broke up April 15. It was mostly my fault because I was keeping him in the dark about how my mom felt about his race. I live with my mom who is mentally ill but after I lost another relationship because of her I decided to move out.

 

Moving out is for the best and my therapist said even if the only thing that comes out of my relationship with rich is this gives me the push I need to get out on my own then this is a good thing.

 

I also have to throw in there that I would love more kids, Rich originally said he does too but in the last month or two of us dating he had been changing his tune. And we were sexually incompatible.

 

I took the break up better than I took other break ups. We were doing the friend thing but it was hurting me so I stopped contacting him and waited for him to contact me. Well the last contact was him wishing me a happy mother's day.

 

To make a long story short I was really hoping once I move we would get back together. But he's still conflicted, and I understand that. So at first I said I can't do the friend thing, then I said I would try. I said what does a friendship with a man I love look like? Do we meet at the mall for a few hours then you kiss me on the cheek good bye?

 

He just basically said we be friends and take it from there.

 

In his defense I don't believe, but could be wrong, that he wants friend ship to lessen the blow to him. I believe this truly hurt him. We were together six months and we saw each other two weeks ago and he admitted he still loved me.

 

Am I pathetic waiting for him? I really wish I didn't contact him today and stuck to letting him contact me.

 

I don't want to play games or manipulate him. Should I try to heal and move on?

 

I've told people on this site that closure doesn't come from the other person. Oh I've tried telling myself this break up is for the best but I'm struggling right now.

 

Please give me guidance.

 

Thanks

[Ms Darcy]

I would think of it this way. If you don't move on, there's a risk he stays conflicted for a long time and/or ultimately he doesn't want you back. Then you have wasted months or years waiting on him.

 

If you do move on, then there's the risk that he does want you back and you no longer want him. Of course, if he wants you back, you may move on yet still decide to try again.

 

For my money, I would rather be in scenario number two. In that case, YOU take control of your destiny instead of passively waiting for someone else to make the decisions for you.

[t1lersm0m1]

Ok so I had myself convinced after I posted this that he just didn't have the heart to tell me it was over. He happened to send me a pic of a bird feeder he put in his back yard while we are broken up. So I used that as an opportunity to ask.

 

I said I want you to really think about this question...have you felt in the past month, and now, that this relationship is over? I'm not asking for us to be back together, but I'm worried that you're afraid to tell me it's over. So I want you to ask YOURSELF, does this feel over?

 

His reply was I don't want it to be over but I realized that I don't know you as well as I thought I did. That's why I'm apprehensive and need time. I'm not going to ask you to wait but I can't go back to what we had at this point.

 

My last boyfriend, Erik, was a nurse. I told him on one of our dates that I previously hated myself. Based on that he asked if I had been abused in the past.

 

At the end of the day Erik wasn't emotionally healthy and our relationship wasn't healthy. He also wasn't over his wife. But I feel like part of the demise of our relationship was that I OVER shared. So I've held back from Rich. There are things from my past he doesn't know, but they definitely have an impact on my life and who I am today.

 

I don't know the fine line between sharing and over sharing.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are doing the typical monday morning quarterbacking anyone does when a relationship ends. I don't think that's productive though. I would focus on understanding the need to move on.

[christwowheels]

It's unfortunate that your mother is a racist, but in a way, ending this may have been a good thing, because I find it odd that you say on the one hand that you and Rich are sexually incompatible, yet on the other, you wanted to have kids with him. It seems to me that if you're going to go through pregnancy, you should at least be enjoying the sex...

[t1lersm0m1]

I think you are doing the typical monday morning quarterbacking anyone does when a relationship ends. I don't think that's productive though. I would focus on understanding the need to move on.

 

Yes I think that you are right. I'm looking back on stuff I could have changed and wishing I could change it. I need to really focus on me and my healing.

 

I think I try to avoid focusing on me at all costs and that's my problem.

 

 

It's unfortunate that your mother is a racist, but in a way, ending this may have been a good thing, because I find it odd that you say on the one hand that you and Rich are sexually incompatible, yet on the other, you wanted to have kids with him. It seems to me that if you're going to go through pregnancy, you should at least be enjoying the sex...

 

I was really hoping if we got back together we could work on the sex but the fact is I tried talking to him about it multiple times and he never tried.

 

For some reason I have a hard time letting go of relationships. I wish I understood why.

[t1lersm0m1]

I just realized something last night. I was driving to school, and I realized break ups make me feel unloveable. That's why I have such a hard time. ANother man has left my life. And it just reaffirms that I will never find love and I am unloveable.

 

I don't truly believe that, but break ups bring out the worst in me, and in the throws of a break up, I feel like a child again, and the child in me feels unloveable, unworthy of love, undeserving.

 

I have been saying affirmatiions. Believe it or not I've said them before and they do help. The one I'm focusing on is I am loving and loveable.

[bw92116]

When we are in the throes of a breakup, our thinking is distorted by emotions. The thought that you are unloveable is just temporary - let it pass without allowing it to become a belief. Of course you are loveable - it's just hard to see that right now because your thinking is temporarily clouded and twisted by emotion.

What you say to yourself is important and will shape your experience. That's great that you are doing positive affirmations such as "I am beautiful, I am loveable, I deserve happiness and love." Even if they don't feel accurate now, keep saying them until it becomes a habit to say or think them, and they will evetually sink in and create a new state of mind for you, replacing the negative thoughts. Thoughts eventually create reality and you have the power to create a new, happy reality for yourself, with your thoughts.

Consider reading link removed or "Getting past your Breakup" by Susan Elliott or "You can heal your Heart" by Louise Hay. Or listen to the free meditations or monologues on YouYube by Louise Hay, Eckhardt Tolle and others.

[jphcbpa]

I just realized something last night. I was driving to school, and I realized break ups make me feel unloveable. That's why I have such a hard time. ANother man has left my life. And it just reaffirms that I will never find love and I am unloveable.

 

I don't truly believe that, but break ups bring out the worst in me, and in the throws of a break up, I feel like a child again, and the child in me feels unloveable, unworthy of love, undeserving.

 

I have been saying affirmatiions. Believe it or not I've said them before and they do help. The one I'm focusing on is I am loving and loveable.

 

 

Yes, I know the feeling....this past weekend I got the overwhelming need/want to be held by a woman and for her to tell me everything is going to be okay. That must be my wounded inner child feeling abandoned. It is up to the Adult me to love and accept the Child version of me.

 

Just know that you are worthy, loved and loveable just the way you are.