He just ended it out of the blue

[Cherry009]

Hi, I am new here and would love some advice/kind words...

 

I started seeing a guy last October, Just before I met him I booked a 3 months working trip on a cruise, which I have just got back from, in the 5 months we had before I left it was amazing, he seemed so into me and everything was perfect, we even met each others parents. We agreed it would be tough while I was away but he said he would wait for me and would not be interested in meeting anyone else whilst I was away. So fast forward after my cruise trip and the day I got home (yesterday) he dumped me saying he feels differently, he cant even give me a reason why, he says he wishes he still had feelings for me but he just cant help how he feels. We kept in touch and spoke on the phone so much whilst I was away, I don't understand what happened!! It was so perfect before, how can his feelings just change? I don't think anyone else is involved. I just feel so gutted, I was looking forward to getting back to see him and now after such an amazing time away I am left with nothing.

 

Do feelings just change so quickly??

[Mari]

I don't think feelings change that quickly. Did the tone of your conversations with him change while you were away? Running a long distance relationship may have been too much for him.

[chr8st8na]

My experiences tell me when it happens very fast- it also burns out very fast.

 

However I am not saying this happened in your case, it could be a number of things. But if he is telling you his feelings for you have changed, yes I do think it is someone who was going to lose interest in you nonetheless.

 

Don't be hard on yourself.

[Cherry009]

I don't think feelings change that quickly. Did the tone of your conversations with him change while you were away? Running a long distance relationship may have been too much for him.

 

Thanks for your reply, I did notice that he stopped saying he missed me or calling me 'baby' etc he began to text more like I was a friend, I kind of pushed it to the back of my mind hoping that everything was ok, obviously it wasn't.

 

He keeps saying he can't explain why his feelings changed and he wishes he felt different, why would he say this?

[JA0371]

Jellybean, I think a lot of guys go through this. Sometimes giving them space helps. This was a fairly short relationship. He probably felt like he could deal with the distance at the time. Three months is is normally a make it or break it point in a new relationship..and doing it long distance just makes it harder.

[Realitynut]

He keeps saying he can't explain why his feelings changed and he wishes he felt different, why would he say this?

 

Because it's true. Have you ever liked someone, and then they said, or did something....and you were just turned off? I only lost my feelings for someone a few times in my life. I was usually dumped, but the few times i dumped someone, I basically just didn't care. I just DIDN"T HAVE THOSE FEELINGS! He probably wished he had those feelings back, but you can't make yourself love someone when you don't.

 

Those feelings you had at the beginning were feelings of infatuation....what everyone feels at the beginning of a relationship. While you were gone...they disappeared.

 

So basically, he had 3 months to get over you. And that is what he did.

[Cherry009]

Jellybean, I think a lot of guys go through this. Sometimes giving them space helps. This was a fairly short relationship. He probably felt like he could deal with the distance at the time. Three months is is normally a make it or break it point in a new relationship..and doing it long distance just makes it harder.

 

This makes sense, it just seemed so perfect before I went away, I imagined that it could have turned into something really good. I feel so low today.

[JA0371]

Jellybean...did you and him ever Skype or FaceTime? Seeing someone physically is imperative over time. Did you send pics? Did you keep it 'flirty'.....guys are very very visual...never underestimate that.

[Cherry009]

Jellybean...did you and him ever Skype or FaceTime? Seeing someone physically is imperative over time. Did you send pics? Did you keep it 'flirty'.....guys are very very visual...never underestimate that.

 

yeah we skyped & I sent him pics, he was his normal self until about half way through the trip when I suspected that he was being a bit distant, I still sent pics though.

 

@Realitynut- No I have never had a change of feelings over night like that, especially if I haven't seen them inbetween my change of heart, it doesn't make sense to me that he lost feelings for me without even seeing me, does this make sense?

[BigKK]

This recently happened to me and I was the one losing the feelings.

 

 

Some of us love in different ways, I learned that I can't do distance. If I don't get to touch you and feel your touch, my feelings will slowly go away. Call me a simpleton... on top of it yes, if he was just swept away...he can lose feelings just as fast.

 

I personally just stopped feeling a connection and it became a burden to constantly be on the phone and answering texts... I hate phones, so it just doesn't work for me. Same goes for this guy, he may have his different reasons, but I would believe him when he says he lost his feelings and he won't get them back.

[Cherry009]

Jellybean...did you and him ever Skype or FaceTime? Seeing someone physically is imperative over time. Did you send pics? Did you keep it 'flirty'.....guys are very very visual...never underestimate that.

 

Yes we skyped quite a bit and I sent him photos

[Cherry009]

This recently happened to me and I was the one losing the feelings.

 

 

Some of us love in different ways, I learned that I can't do distance. If I don't get to touch you and feel your touch, my feelings will slowly go away. Call me a simpleton... on top of it yes, if he was just swept away...he can lose feelings just as fast.

 

I personally just stopped feeling a connection and it became a burden to constantly be on the phone and answering texts... I hate phones, so it just doesn't work for me. Same goes for this guy, he may have his different reasons, but I would believe him when he says he lost his feelings and he won't get them back.

 

Thanks for your reply, interesting hearing it from the other end. It is sad to hear this, I could understand it if I was away for a year or something, but 3 months! I guess he was never really into me that much if his feelings can just fade the way they did.

[JA0371]

I agree with KK....being on the phone all the time is burdensome. I can understand your confusion though. If he couldn't get through three months, then he wasn't all that invested. Im sorry, but at least he was honest and didn't just fade out like a coward.

[Cherry009]

Infact, every dating experience I have had has been like this situation, they are so keen and interested in the beginning but then after 3/4/5 months something changes and they feel differently, usually giving me the ' you are amazing.... it isn't you, it's me.... I feel differently now.... I don't know why' speech. How do I break this cycle? What am I doing wrong? These guys can never give me a straight answer of why they feel differently, I am not going for emotionally unavailable guys because in the beginning they are very interested.....ughh I am so confused!

[JA0371]

Don't feel bad....almost every woman has been through this with dating. Just try not to invest yourself so early. Hold back. Don't give your all, even if you want to. It's normal for guys to pull back....especially when things are going well...but even more so when they aren't. You just try to remain calm, and stay positive. It's counterintuitive ..but it works.

[Mari]

Infact, every dating experience I have had has been like this situation, they are so keen and interested in the beginning but then after 3/4/5 months something changes and they feel differently, usually giving me the ' you are amazing.... it isn't you, it's me.... I feel differently now.... I don't know why' speech. How do I break this cycle? What am I doing wrong? These guys can never give me a straight answer of why they feel differently, I am not going for emotionally unavailable guys because in the beginning they are very interested.....ughh I am so confused!

 

I thought this guy was a one time issue but you're saying it's a pattern. This can happen, and has happened to me in that I liked someone, got to know them better and then realized they're not who I thought they were. For me it was even specific conversations I had which made me feel like the girl I like doesn't really care about anyone else but herself. After that I just saw her differently. I didn't like her anymore and she couldn't do anything to change what I thought of her.

 

I guess my part in this was that I idealized her. The less I knew about her the more "special" I made her in my head. But once I started knowing who she really was I realized she's not it. She wasn't as special as I was making her out to be. In some cases the girl was the opposite of what I wanted, I just hadn't realized that that's how she was.

 

I don't know if the above applies to you but you could see if it is something like that. What are they learning about you around the 3 month mark that is special? Or maybe it is just infatuation and they lose it.

[Ms Darcy]

Infact, every dating experience I have had has been like this situation, they are so keen and interested in the beginning but then after 3/4/5 months something changes and they feel differently, usually giving me the ' you are amazing.... it isn't you, it's me.... I feel differently now.... I don't know why' speech. How do I break this cycle? What am I doing wrong? These guys can never give me a straight answer of why they feel differently, I am not going for emotionally unavailable guys because in the beginning they are very interested.....ughh I am so confused!

 

You are going for guys who fall fast and fall for a fantasy. No offense to BigKK because his candor is very helpful, but these guys usually leave a trail of tears before they find "the one." They are looking for girls who tick all their boxes and conclude that a girl does so in the infatuation stage (first six months). After a while, they find flaws or simply get bored and they are gone.

 

Point is ... to take things with a grain of salt in the early stages until a real emotional connection is built.

[Ms Darcy]

This is exactly my point!

[RougeQueen]

From personal experience I know that feelings can just disappear for no reason. I was dating a guy about 10 years ago, we were living together. He was an oil rigger so he was gone for about 3 weeks a month and only back for like 4 days before he was off again.

It was two years into our relationship and he was due back that night. I heard the crew truck pull up and ran down to the door to greet him. When I saw him, I realized I felt nothing. Just, nothing. It took me quite awhile after we broke up for me to figure out why. HE hadn't changed. I had. I think most times it's not about the other person making you lose your feelings, it's about what's changed inside of you and you're life has just sort of moved on without them.

[Mari]

This is exactly my point!

 

I wouldn't chalk it up to guys falling for fantasies all the time. A lot of times it's misrepresentation. The girl is a certain way towards outsiders but the opposite to people that she's close to.

 

For instance, I may see a girl that is really nice to other people. If she brought two bananas for lunch and sees a coworker hungry she'll share hers. If she's tasked with something she doesn't like she puts on a smile and does it without complaining. She's helpful to other people, deals with issues patiently, resolves arguments with flattery and doesn't hold grudges. So from the outside, this is the like best girl ever and I may want to marry her.

 

Then I get to know her and now she thinks of me as being on the inside part of her life. The she shows me who she really is. She complains to me about the coworker she gave the banana to. She complains about how that coworker keeps forgetting their lunch and how she has no choice but to share her lunch. She complains about having to do work she doesn't like. She complains about having to resolve arguments that never should've been arguments. See, I thought she was really nice, but in reality she just has a fear of confrontation and she looks down on everyone she's nice to. She acts nice so people like her. She doesn't fight because her parents fought all the time and she hates it.

 

Even in the relationship she's passive aggressive, she'll give me two options act like she's ok with both and if I pick the one that she doesn't like she'll treat me coldly and won't even tell me what I did wrong. She's like this because she can't confront me, so it all comes out as passive aggressive. So yeah, initially I would be crazy for her, but after finding out that all her niceness is based on fears and negativity, and she's not the positive person I thought she was, I'd lose feelings for her.

[Ms Darcy]

Mari ... that is a very good point.

[Cherry009]

Hi, I am jellybeans00, I wanted to delete my old account and start a new life on here with a new account but because I made two accounts before deleting me old one they blocked my jelly bean account so I guess I will have to stay with this old one.

 

Anyway, thanks for your replies. Mari, I see what you are saying...but I never saw him whilst his feelings were changing, it was half way through my trip, how can he change his mind based on something like your example when I wasn't even around?? I never moaned about anyone, I was always positive in my messages and asked about him/told him about my trip.

 

I feel sad again today, when he ended it he mentioned that in his past he was hurt by someone who went away for a few months and then came back and dumped him out of the blue, he said he kept his guard up with me incase of being scared I would do the same thing. I understand he was probably scared of getting hurt again, but through out the trip I sent him nice messages, spoke on the phone, skyped, and kept telling him I missed him and couldn't wait to see him. Why did he still keep himself guarded? it was so obvious I couldn't wait to see him when I got home. I think he made himself stop liking me

[Cherry009]

From personal experience I know that feelings can just disappear for no reason. I was dating a guy about 10 years ago, we were living together. He was an oil rigger so he was gone for about 3 weeks a month and only back for like 4 days before he was off again.

It was two years into our relationship and he was due back that night. I heard the crew truck pull up and ran down to the door to greet him. When I saw him, I realized I felt nothing. Just, nothing. It took me quite awhile after we broke up for me to figure out why. HE hadn't changed. I had. I think most times it's not about the other person making you lose your feelings, it's about what's changed inside of you and you're life has just sort of moved on without them.

 

I understand this, at least you saw him in the flesh to realise, he never saw me when I got back, he just decided half way through my trip his feelings had changed and then told me over the phone when I got home, he didn't even want to see me to confirm that his feelings had changed.

[Cherry009]

Do you think there is any way he will change his mind? I am sitting here crying so confused about all of it, none of it makes sense

[Mari]

I was just mentioning that as an example as to how sometimes it's not fantasy. But there are times when it is fantasy, or it's like the example I mentioned, or it's the baggage then came in with, or something else. There's no way to know for sure what happened with that guy other than sitting down and having an honest talk with him.

 

From what he's saying it seems like he had a bad breakup with his previous girl where he didn't see it coming and the only thing he knows is that she went on a trip and then they broke up. And to him he had no indication that this break up was going to occur, everything was great up till then. So this time he feared you'd break up with him and prepared for it as if you really would. You didn't, but his preparations helped to the point that he was so ready to break up he didn't have feelings anymore. At least that's what he's saying.

 

It could very well be that his ex came back or he found out he's gay or a bunch of other things. But if he's telling the truth, he doesn't do well in relationships where the other person leaves for a while without him. It's kinda like he's getting back at love because love hurt him before under those conditions. So he's doing to you what was done to him.

 

As for what to do now, you could confront him about this to help him out. And perhaps helping him out will help with this fear of his. You could tell him that you're sorry his ex dumped him after her trip even though he was waiting for her to come back. And that you are not her, that you waited to see him again and you didn't get rid of your feelings just because you were away. And that this time around, he is the one doing it to you and you are the one that was like him before.

 

Perhaps saying this to him will make him realize that he's become like his ex and that you are just like he was. Perhaps he will realize and get over this fear.