He just ended it out of the blue

[Ms Darcy]

I am going through the phase where I really want him to regret his decision, I DONT want him back. I don't want to hear from him or anything like that... I just want him to realise what he has thrown away, how do I stop these feelings?

 

These feelings will go away in time. For now, stay busy. Go to meetups, hang out with friends, spend time with family. In a week or two, start PLANNING to outline the type of relationship you would like, your ideal partnership, your must haves ... basically start having hope that you will find someone else.

 

But you aren't ready for that yet. For now, stay busy.

[Cherry009]

These feelings will go away in time. For now, stay busy. Go to meetups, hang out with friends, spend time with family. In a week or two, start PLANNING to outline the type of relationship you would like, your ideal partnership, your must haves ... basically start having hope that you will find someone else.

 

But you aren't ready for that yet. For now, stay busy.

 

Thanks, do you think it is possible to meet someone who ticks those 'must have' boxes? It just feels impossible at this moment in time to imagine that. I know I should be more optimistic but I just cant help but lose faith, especially when I get failure after failure.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks, do you think it is possible to meet someone who ticks those 'must have' boxes? It just feels impossible at this moment in time to imagine that. I know I should be more optimistic but I just cant help but lose faith, especially when I get failure after failure.

 

I do think you can get all of your must haves. BUT my 'must haves' were bare. I think they were:

 

1. Has healthy relationship with family

2. Is a happy, fun/fun loving person

3. Is confident

[Cherry009]

I am feeling really low at the moment, i had a really strong few days and am back to feeling like a want to cry all the time. I just can't get my head around this guy ending it. It all seemed so perfect before i went away, i keep going over it in my head, i just want to block it all out but i can't

[stateofgrace]

Honestly, your situation sucks, but there comes a time where you just have to let it go. Dwelling on why he did this or said that is only making it worse for yourself, and it's not going to change a thing. He ended it, it was a few months of your life, you'll get over it. Just stop dwelling on it. Do things to keep your mind off of it. I know it's hard. Some relationships just aren't meant to last. That's just life. If all relationships were meant to last, then no one would break up EVER, and that's just not realistic.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience, you had fun with him, now you need to move on with your life. A few months in the grand scheme of things is NOTHING. Just do the things that make you happy, spend time with the people who care about you, focus on yourself, and slowly you'll stop caring so much about what happened. It takes time, yes. But it will take less time if you stop dwelling on things you can't change.

 

Good luck

[Mari]

I am feeling really low at the moment, i had a really strong few days and am back to feeling like a want to cry all the time. I just can't get my head around this guy ending it. It all seemed so perfect before i went away, i keep going over it in my head, i just want to block it all out but i can't

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling low. I don't think this breakup was your fault, it's just that this guy is dealing with issues from his past still. You could've been the best person ever and that in of itself could've been the reason for the breakup. There are people that don't go with the ones they like the best because they feel they aren't good enough and worry about getting hurt too much. But they will happily go with someone they don't care as much about because they're sure they won't invest as much and thus won't get hurt as much when things go south. So you could've been the best person ever and this guy would've still dumped you if he felt he was taking too big a risk on getting hurt.

 

Everyone has a limit to their abilities, some people are more forgiving, trust more, love more, and others less so. Sometimes to be with someone it just takes being more convincing and being more positive. But it's difficult to do when one is in pain themselves. If you still want him then you should contact him and tell him you're open to a full relationship, and that if he's not interested, he won't hear from you as you will be trying to get over him and then find someone who is willing to have a full relationship.

[Cherry009]

Thanks, this is what i needed to hear, i just can't get out of this slump i am in. It takes over my thoughts constantly. All day i was with family and yes it takes your mind off it for a while but then as soon as you get home it's there...lurking in your head. I have always been one to dwell on the past, i wish i could stop.

[Cherry009]

Thanks, this helps too. I know it just wasn't meant to be but it is so hard to switch off from all of it, i feel so deflated. Thanks for making me feel better though.

[stateofgrace]

Thanks, this is what i needed to hear, i just can't get out of this slump i am in. It takes over my thoughts constantly. All day i was with family and yes it takes your mind off it for a while but then as soon as you get home it's there...lurking in your head. I have always been one to dwell on the past, i wish i could stop.

Don't worry, I've been there, I get it. But like I said, try not to dwell on things you can't control. It's hard not to, yes. But it's holding you back from enjoying your life. Don't beat yourself up over the fact you're still thinking about him. It's going to happen. Don't get down on yourself. But again, there's no use dwelling on things you can't do anything to change. Just do the best you can to keep yourself busy with people who love you, and soon enough, the feelings will fade. Just give yourself time to heal, but in order to heal, you need to allow it to happen.

[Mari]

Thanks, this helps too. I know it just wasn't meant to be but it is so hard to switch off from all of it, i feel so deflated. Thanks for making me feel better though.

 

I wish it were a switch. Even if the relationship didn't work, the loss of love is still there. And it takes time to mourn that loss, both for you and for him.

[Cherry009]

I wish it were a switch. Even if the relationship didn't work, the loss of love is still there. And it takes time to mourn that loss, both for you and for him.

 

He mentally checked out at least a month ago, if not more so i doubt i am even in his thoughts at all now. He is still in mine though as i only found out about his change of feelings once i got back 2 weeks ago. I am still trying to process it all & get used to it. Yes it is annoying there is no switch!!!

[Mari]

He mentally checked out at least a month ago, if not more so i doubt i am even in his thoughts at all now. He is still in mine though as i only found out about his change of feelings once i got back 2 weeks ago. I am still trying to process it all & get used to it. Yes it is annoying there is no switch!!!

 

I doubt you're completely out of his thoughts. I don't know why, maybe it's a pride thing, but I've noticed there's a double standard on how people measure the response of their ex. If the ex does something positive, the response is negative and there's a complaint as to why they're trying to make contact, aren't they aware that they should be NC. If the ex does nothing, the response is negative and there's a complaint as to why the ex isn't trying to get back in the relationship, why are they NC. And I see this both in the person posting as well as the advice the person gets. It's set up such that there is no way for the ex to come back at all:

 

1) Ex checks up to see status to see if things can be taken further - response is NC, reasoning is not enough effort made.

2) Ex goes overboard, professes profound love, just as the person wanted - response is he/she is a crazy wacko, reasoning is that they did not slowly progress and made too much effort.

3) Ex goes NC as requested - response is continued NC, reasoning is that they aren't even making an effort.

 

And as you posted, you want him to regret his decision and you don't want him back, I see that a lot too. The person that's hurt wants the ex to really suffer and miss them. I guess maybe to restore their self esteem? Anyway, I'd say that regardless of how your ex feels as far as I know, you did a good job in the relationship. If you miss him and want him back then I don't think NC is the route to get that. NC is great if you're totally done with him and would never want him. And I don't think he contacted you to relieve guilt, I think he contacted you because he missed you. Not that that would mean he would necessarily get back together but that was probably it. Lastly, I'd say that it is not obvious what the other person is thinking. For all he knows, you don't think of him, you hate him, and would never get back with him since you are NC. And he possibly regrets his decision. No way to really know without talking.

 

But if you're sure you don't want him, these feelings won't last long, you will probably be completely done in about the equivalent amount of time you spent with him. I hope things work out for you.

[Cherry009]

Thank you for your reply. In all honesty i dont know if i would want him back or not, a huge part of me does but then i think he has a lot of emotional baggage which would probably affect the relationship if it was to continue. He was very sure that his feelings had changed so when he text me asking how i was i didnt see much point in replying. Perhaps i was harsh but i just couldnt face texting him back and then waiting for my phone to go off with a reply from him. I just wanted to forget him. If he really wanted me back wouldnt he go to more effort than just a 'how are you' text?

[sharky988]

Yeah, those poor misunderstood dumpers! They just can't get an even break around here, the dear little lambs.

 

Listen, if your ex wants to get back together? All he has to do is SAY SO. All he has to do is give you a solid HINT. It's not a big deal to do it. It's actually harder to walk the fine line of NOT doing it while contacting an ex.

 

I've been a dumper who asked for another chance. I can tell you from personal experience that it's MUCH easier to ask for another chance than it is to break up with someone. If he can break up with you, he can ask to get back together.

 

Don't beat yourself up for not replying to meaningless breadcrumbs. If this guy decides he wants you back, he'll do and say whatever it takes to make it happen -- he won't make you guess, and he won't give up if you don't reply to a "hey what's up" type text. He won't be able to stop himself!

 

Just imo.

[Cherry009]

Thanks, yeah i am pretty sure it was just breadcrumbs and not a case of him missing me. He made it so clear how he felt before so i doubt he will change his mind.

[Mari]

Thanks for responding Sharky. In your case when you dumped the person and asked them for another chance how did you do it? Weren't they NC with you and blocking everything you would send them?

 

The two pieces of advice you've given is "he'll do and say whatever it takes to make it happen" and previously: "It's time for you to block him on your phone -- or change your number -- so he can't keep sending you these meaningless breadcrumbs."

 

How is he supposed to contact her and let her know he made a mistake if she never picks up? He could've very well said "how are you doing? I'd like to get back together" but she's NC now so that's out. Would showing up unannounced be acceptable? If he yelled accross the room when he randomly sees her with the explicit words "Hey, can you hear me, I would like to get back together cause I made a mistake!" is that the right approach? If you were him, what would you do that would constitute "whatever it takes" knowing that she is NC with you? I mean these as legitimate questions and I'm not trying to be sarcastic.

 

The way I understand it is when some people get hurt they make unrealistic expectations on the other person as to what they have to do to get back together. Having these expectations probably will rebuild their self esteem and self confidence because they don't want to risk getting hurt again. But very few would ever meet those expectations, most people don't do whatever it takes because they need that self esteem and confidence too. They can't be the ones putting in enormous effort and hoping it works out. The other thing is I feel that he/she could be under the same assumption. So while one person is waiting for the other to "do whatever it takes" the other is waiting for the same. In this particular case, the guy, who pretty much gave up on the relationship because he let his fears get the better of him, could say she didn't do much to stop the break up. He said he didn't have feelings and she didn't take it that badly so even if he wasn't going to break up he feels she would've in the near future. He has no idea what's going on with her because she shared that with this forum and not him. He could feel that he invested a lot in her only to have her hurt him by going on a vacation without him. In any case, it's just the negativity and fear. If you have time I would still like to know more about your case as well as what the expectations are. Thanks.

[Mari]

Thank you for your reply. In all honesty i dont know if i would want him back or not, a huge part of me does but then i think he has a lot of emotional baggage which would probably affect the relationship if it was to continue. He was very sure that his feelings had changed so when he text me asking how i was i didnt see much point in replying. Perhaps i was harsh but i just couldnt face texting him back and then waiting for my phone to go off with a reply from him. I just wanted to forget him. If he really wanted me back wouldnt he go to more effort than just a 'how are you' text?

 

If he's that negative and fearful I don't think he will. He gave up on you thinking you would give up on him. That kind of person doesn't convince the other person by making a huge effort but needs convincing themselves. I don't know when he'll recover from his last breakup. If you're good with not going back to him, I'd like to remind you that this isn't your fault. These were his fears and negativity, unless you're extremely positive and could convince him that he's throwing away a good relationship it was probably not going to work.