He just ended it out of the blue

[okiedokiestomp]

Infact, every dating experience I have had has been like this situation, they are so keen and interested in the beginning but then after 3/4/5 months something changes and they feel differently, usually giving me the ' you are amazing.... it isn't you, it's me.... I feel differently now.... I don't know why' speech. How do I break this cycle? What am I doing wrong? These guys can never give me a straight answer of why they feel differently, I am not going for emotionally unavailable guys because in the beginning they are very interested.....ughh I am so confused!

 

This is because there is a point in EVERY relationship when the honeymoon phase has come to end and as a couple you must make a choice to move into a deeper commitment based on more than physical attaraction or to leave the relationship. It is a choice. The 5 Love Languages calls it the choice of "covenant love" and I do believe it is accurate and true. When the warm and fuzzy's go away (and at some point every relationship reaches this crossroads to move deeper or stall, I believe this is also when a lot of push-pull starts to show) you are left with the person themselves and that is the point that all of their idiosyncrasies will either drive you away or draw you closer, but, it is a choice to move deeper into a love based on more than just physical attraction. If there is no foundation built up to that point, or if the foundation was solely physical then it may falter and that is why some people can't explain why they no longer "have feelings" for another. It's actually a very natural progression that requires a commitment from both people to make a conscious choice to work through issues and remain committed to each other.

 

The problem with many partners at this crossroads is that they don't understand the dynamic at play and get caught up in the rush of the new feelings of love rather than understanding true love is when you go deeper into the relationship by choice. A lot of people tend to think that if they aren't feeling those warm and fuzzy's they felt at the beginning of the relationship then their feelings are fading or dead. It still comes back to a choice and regardless if they aren't willing to work through things then as painful as it is, it's actually a blessing in disguise. There were some really good posts by MrSoAndSo2009 (I think that was his handle) from a number of years back that talked about some of this stuff that I always throught were spot on.

[Cherry009]

This sounds completely accurate Mari, it is so sad that he let something that could have been great go because of something that happened in his past. I said to him on the phone that he shouldn't compare me to his ex, that I am not like her and that I still really like him. He is adamant his feelings have changed and is quite sure about it. I am just going to leave him alone now, I just hope one day he really regrets his decision. Before I went away he told me he hadn't liked anyone as much as me since the ex that hurt him.

[Cherry009]

This is so true, I know this and always have deep down, I just still always struggle when things end with guys I have been dating, I think it is because they are always the ones to end it first. I never get to the point where I have realised it isn't a good match or it isn't going to go anywhere, they guy always feels that first and so ends it, leaving me to constantly wonder what is wrong with me and feel rejection over and over again.

 

I also struggle with how a guy can be so into you one minute and then not within days or weeks later, all those words they say to you and the way the act with you, so caring and lovely and then BOOM it is all gone and you never see them again. I get that the honeymoon phase ends and you either make or break but I just really struggle to deal with such a change of feelings, especially when it happens over and over again.

 

I think perhaps this is a blessing in disguise with this guy, it is never a good idea to get seriously involved with someone who still has issues from 10 years ago.

[Mari]

This sounds completely accurate Mari, it is so sad that he let something that could have been great go because of something that happened in his past. I said to him on the phone that he shouldn't compare me to his ex, that I am not like her and that I still really like him. He is adamant his feelings have changed and is quite sure about it. I am just going to leave him alone now, I just hope one day he really regrets his decision. Before I went away he told me he hadn't liked anyone as much as me since the ex that hurt him.

 

He will regret his decision at some point because he is losing someone he liked that still likes him. And loss is loss. Whether or not that regret happens at a time where something can be done about it is a different issue.

 

There can be an issue in him saying that he hasn't liked anyone as much as you since the ex. He's comparing there. Why does it matter if you're as good as his ex. That relationship is done and over, who cares what's she up to now or how good she was? Unless he does care. If his relationship with his ex was recent that may be more of the reason why he feels his feelings have changed. They really haven't changed, it may just be that he's processing that breakup now.

 

If you know how long his previous relationship was, perhaps it will take the same amount of time for him to get over that one.

 

The good news is that it seems you did nothing wrong. This was just a wounded guy that needs to heal up so he doesn't spread the damage. I hope you don't gain baggage from dealing with him. Your actions seem to have been pretty good.

[okiedokiestomp]

I think perhaps this is a blessing in disguise with this guy, it is never a good idea to get seriously involved with someone who still has issues from 10 years ago.

 

Yes, he hasn't worked through whatever hangups he still has over his ex and like it or not anyone involved with him will suffer as a result. chances are something happened that triggered something that reminded him of something his ex said or did...may have even been at an unconscious level hence he doesn't even know it to identify it. There are always red flags but we tend to project our attraction on to another person and choose (there's that word again) to ignore the red flags, even at a subconscious level. There is a lot that happens at a subconscious level...ever wonder why someone seems so familiar and it is so easy to be with them?? they are ticking off boxes on your mental checklist things you had hardwired into your existence from upbringing etc..

 

Don't beat yourself up that the other gets to that point before you do. chances are you probably would have gotten to that point and conclusion as well. I would also remember that when someone says they love you or has strong feelings for you I would frame it in that moment...it doesn't mean that it's an automatic for the life of the relationship...words are tenuous at best at the beginning of a relationship only after they are cemented with action do they hold more weight and that happens when you move into a deeper relationship.

[Cherry009]

Thanks, the issue with the ex was 10 years ago! I think they were together for 4 years

[Cherry009]

Yes, he hasn't worked through whatever hangups he still has over his ex and like it or not anyone involved with him will suffer as a result. chances are something happened that triggered something that reminded him of something his ex said or did...may have even been at an unconscious level hence he doesn't even know it to identify it. .

 

Yes, I went away for 3 months and then he dumped me when I got home, despite me constantly being in touch and telling him how much I missed him.... his ex went away for a few months and she dumped him out of the blue when she got home. He has obviously connected both of these, thinking I'd do the same... ARGH it was 10 years ago....how can you still have issues from then?!

[okiedokiestomp]

his ex went away for a few months and she dumped him out of the blue when she got home. He has obviously connected both of these, thinking I'd do the same... ARGH it was 10 years ago....how can you still have issues from then?!

 

or perhaps on a subconscious the part of him that was hurt when his ex went away and then broke up with him was triggered by you leaving on your trip and many times when a person is hurt to the point of being damaged they will subconsciously search for ways to replay the the hurt but from a position that allows them to overcome it...she left him, so he left you..sounds ridiculous but the subconscious mind is the driver of the car.

 

he could still have issues from 10 years ago if he has repressed and chosen not to address his feelings and the breakup...he may carry it forever unless he works through it. a lot of people, choose the path of least resistance when dealing with pain and repress the pain b/c dealing with the emotions is too overwhelming and scary for them, but, that is the only way to move beyond in a healthy way.

[Mari]

Thanks, the issue with the ex was 10 years ago! I think they were together for 4 years

 

That's some baggage, he must of hurt pretty bad. 4 year relationship, she goes, comes back and that's it. She was probably checking out before then. Thanks for the info, hopefully your future includes a guy with less baggage.

[Ms Darcy]

This sounds completely accurate Mari, it is so sad that he let something that could have been great go because of something that happened in his past. I said to him on the phone that he shouldn't compare me to his ex, that I am not like her and that I still really like him. He is adamant his feelings have changed and is quite sure about it. I am just going to leave him alone now, I just hope one day he really regrets his decision. Before I went away he told me he hadn't liked anyone as much as me since the ex that hurt him.

 

I think you are doing what a lot of people do understandably ... which is to make this about anything but you. Oh he was hurt by his ex. Bs. If he was that hurt he wouldn't have gotten with you and stayed and communicated consistently while you were gone. It doesn't add up.

 

Bottom line: his feelings for changed. Best to accept that.

[Cherry009]

That's some baggage, he must of hurt pretty bad. 4 year relationship, she goes, comes back and that's it. She was probably checking out before then. Thanks for the info, hopefully your future includes a guy with less baggage.

 

Thanks I hope so too, I am so mentally worn out from constant failed dating that I think I will just be on my own now for a while.

[Cherry009]

I think you are doing what a lot of people do understandably ... which is to make this about anything but you. Oh he was hurt by his ex. Bs. If he was that hurt he wouldn't have gotten with you and stayed and communicated consistently while you were gone. It doesn't add up.

 

Bottom line: his feelings for changed. Best to accept that.

 

Possibly, perhaps I am just trying to cling onto any kind of reason to make it make more sense in my head. However, he did mention when he broke up with me about the ex and how she hurt him and how he put barriers up with me thinking I might end it when I got back or might meet someone else. But then he also kept saying he didn't know why his feelings changed, they just did but he cant explain why, weird. None of it adds up to me to be honest, I think that is why I am having such a hard time getting over this.

[Ms Darcy]

Think of it this way .... has every guy who lost interest in the past been hurt by an ex too? If we are looking at patterns then probably not.

[Cherry009]

Think of it this way .... has every guy who lost interest in the past been hurt by an ex too? If we are looking at patterns then probably not.

 

Most guys I have dated have.... the guy before this one had issues about a girl who cheated on him years ago, then a few others I have dated have been on the rebound with me and then ended up going back to their ex who they aren't over. I seem to attract these kind of men

[Ms Darcy]

You know what that amounts to? That amounts to guys who weren't all that into you. They were into their exes and wanting a distraction while they either moved on or got their exes back. But they weren't into you at any point. It just seemed like it with all the attention.

[Cherry009]

Yeah sadly it is true Mrs Darcy.

 

Can i just ask- With this guy that suddenly ended it.....he said he had cried and been upset about it, if his feelings had just changed why would he be upset and cry?

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah sadly it is true Mrs Darcy.

 

Can i just ask- With this guy that suddenly ended it.....he said he had cried and been upset about it, if his feelings had just changed why would he be upset and cry?

 

I have cried ending things with someone. He wasn't the right person for me, but that didn't mean I didn't care about him. I felt bad for hurting his feelings and felt sorry for myself that I would have to be lonely for a little while/start looking again.

[Mari]

Yeah sadly it is true Mrs Darcy.

 

Can i just ask- With this guy that suddenly ended it.....he said he had cried and been upset about it, if his feelings had just changed why would he be upset and cry?

 

I don't think his feelings changed enough for him to not care but if he's pretty sure about breaking up he may feel bad about being single again.

[Cherry009]

I don't think his feelings changed enough for him to not care but if he's pretty sure about breaking up he may feel bad about being single again.

 

Yeah he is probably more sad about being on his own again. So he text me today saying he had been thinking about me and asked if I was ok, to reply or not? if so...what do I say? I am tempted to just not reply, NC helps me more & I feel like maybe he was just texting me to ease his guilt...

[sharky988]

It's time for you to block him on your phone -- or change your number -- so he can't keep sending you these meaningless breadcrumbs. They only make HIM feel better... and YOU feel worse!

 

Have you seen the breakup guide? Check it out, it'll help you with No Contact: link removed

[Cherry009]

It's time for you to block him on your phone -- or change your number -- so he can't keep sending you these meaningless breadcrumbs. They only make HIM feel better... and YOU feel worse!

 

Have you seen the breakup guide? Check it out, it'll help you with No Contact: link removed

 

Thanks, I read the guide, it was a real help and I could relate to a lot of it. I have decided not to text him...for ME and for ME to heal

[Cherry009]

I am feeling a lot better this evening, I know that I deserve someone who will give me their all and who will think that I am worth it. At the end of the day I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, I know I deserve better. ..... just thinking out loud here and feel happy that I am feeling better tonight, although I know there are ups and downs in the healing process, I could be a wreck tomorrow but right now I feel good !

[lostgirl123]

Yeah he is probably more sad about being on his own again. So he text me today saying he had been thinking about me and asked if I was ok, to reply or not? if so...what do I say? I am tempted to just not reply, NC helps me more & I feel like maybe he was just texting me to ease his guilt...

 

go NC. he is just texting to ease his guilt. if he really wants to be with you then he will make it happen. so don't let him drag you back to first base.

[sharky988]

Thanks, I read the guide, it was a real help and I could relate to a lot of it. I have decided not to text him...for ME and for ME to heal

 

Leaving him unblocked..... but deciding just not to initiate contact? Isn't NC. It's just waiting for him to text you first.

[Cherry009]

I am going through the phase where I really want him to regret his decision, I DONT want him back. I don't want to hear from him or anything like that... I just want him to realise what he has thrown away, how do I stop these feelings?