How do I get motivated to do more tasks?

[oitnb]

I was in gymnastics... Pretty good too... Won first place on balance beam in my state at 11 years old going against 13-15 year olds who had been training for years.. And it barely cost my parents. I'd say 2,000 at the very most. Including travel costs.

[Kattie]

All good...jut to recap.. structure my own time to stay motivated and make chores as pleasant as possible - strive for balance. Be more of a manager. Implement a system that builds us as a team. Have consequences for those that don't pull their weight (especially the kids).

 

If the husband doesn't change so be it. I'll deal with that issue separately in my own time.

 

Sound right?

[journeynow]

Check out link removed "Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home" She (FlyLady) has an excellent system (free) for getting things under control in manageable increments, and keeping it that way, AND getting the family involved. She's been around for years, online.

[Kattie]

I was in gymnastics... Pretty good too... Won first place on balance beam in my state at 11 years old going against 13-15 year olds who had been training for years.. And it barely cost my parents. I'd say 2,000 at the very most. Including travel costs.

Pretty cool. Not sure how recent your training could have been. How many hours per week did you train, and how recent?

 

My last trip 2 weeks ago with the older daughter cost $950 with transportation (driving), hotels, food, entrance fees - nothing special for meals or hotel either. The cost of a track and competitive suit is $380. We also paid for the coaches to fly (and their expenses). This one was only 9 hours to drive to. When you have to fly them places, that really gets crazy (at least in Canada). Not to mention, I had to take 3 days off of work.

 

Are you sure your parents paid so little? There had to be a subsidy. I'm not sure if kids full realize what parents invest in their children.

[Kattie]

Check out link removed "Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home" She (FlyLady) has an excellent system (free) for getting things under control in manageable increments, and keeping it that way, AND getting the family involved. She's been around for years, online.

Okay. Excellent. Just what I need. Thanks so much!!!

[oitnb]

Pretty cool. Not sure how recent your training could have been. How many hours per week did you train, and how recent?

 

My last trip 2 weeks ago with the older daughter cost $950 with transportation (driving), hotels, food, entrance fees - nothing special for meals or hotel either. The cost of a track and competitive suit is $380. We also paid for the coaches to fly (and their expenses). This one was only 9 hours to drive to. When you have to fly them places, that really gets crazy (at least in Canada).

 

Are you sure your parents paid so little? There had to be a subsidy.

 

I'm 20 so it was 9 years ago. I trained once a week for three hours, and close to competitions twice a week three hours each.

 

The most expensive cost was my gymnastics suit. Custom made probably 100. All our comps were in state, close, so we had no need to book a hotel. My parents also never paid for the coaches to fly or anything like that. The coaches trained us for free, as a volunteer type basis. I did it through my local community gym. Some of the teams had private paid coaches/equipment/suits but that didn't make a difference when it came down to who was really naturally gifted.

 

Maybe that's the difference in price. We did it through a funded type program, not an expensive private coach/practice.

[Kattie]

I'm so glad you got to enjoy that opportunity.

 

Gymnastics isn't as bad as hockey, but it is getting up there. Our gym is non-profit, but the cost of everything is high. Their rent alone is 10K/month. There is equipment for them to buy/maintain, insurance, salaries, utilities... I donate 1-2 hours a week to do cleaning for them. My daughter trains 20 hours/week, which is a bare minimum for her skill level - she's just at the point of aerials on beam and stuff - level 8/9. Yep, it is an expensive endeavor.

[tattoobunnie]

No sports till they clean their room, do laundry, and household chores.

 

And for your hubby, pack him a bag, and tell him that since he doesn't have the decency to pitch in, that he can stay with his MOM, because you are not his MOM!!!

 

I'm married to a slob, so I know how to feel.

[CeeLambrini]

A few pointers from me, as everyone seems to have covered everything else - just in order to motivate more chores being done in the house...

The list of jobs to choose from is great. You can also give first-choice privilege to the one who completes the most chores the previous week (if it's a struggle getting them to do it at first)

 

My parents made me 'earn' my allowance. Each chore 'paid' a certain amount. If I only did 2/3 chores, I would only get 2/3 of weekly allowance.

My dance classes, at the time were paid weekly (but unfortunately changed to monthly so this one no longer applied) and if I missed one, there was no money lost. My room had to be clean, and all chores had to be done that morning before I was driven to dance class on a Saturday.

As I got older, other methods were implemented. I had to have a certain amount of money to go out into town to meet my friends. If I hadn't done chores, then I didn't have enough to actually go out and spend any of it.

A messy room for longer than a week meant no TV (my Dad took the plugs off the wires haha!) and later on, the internet password would be changed (the WORST punishment for me)

 

I do think that in order to be assertive, it doesn't mean punish punish punish. However, change it to them earning their privileges rather than feeling like you are obligated to give them your all in order to be a good parent.

[icecreamaddict]

It sounds like no one in your house respects you at all. I feel bad for you.

[Kattie]

Well I will try these techniques and to change things, and to get some respect. My problem I that I really don't like conflict.

 

My hubby just mentioned that he plans to retire and do nothing in a few months. He wants to refinance our house to an even longer mortgage. Sigh...

[Seraphim]

Well I will try these techniques and to change things, and to get some respect. My problem I that I really don't like conflict.

 

My hubby just mentioned that he plans to retire and do nothing in a few months. He wants to refinance our house to an even longer mortgage. Sigh...

 

Just remember you don't have to agree.

 

And about your kids consistency is the key each and every time no excuses.

[DancingFool]

Regarding sports, you are definitely in a self created money trap. Whether your kid competes locally only or goes out of state, really makes no difference. Traveling like that and paying for private coaches flying out is a pretty extreme luxury that you can curb. Also, have you thought about actually asking your kids just how into it they really are? Is it a passion or are they just going through the motions or doing it out habit or even just because they think it's expected of them?

 

I've been competing in sports most of my life and I've seen many many times kids participating because the parents are pouring in massive amounts of money and they feel guilty to tell the truth that they don't really care or want it anymore. In the meantime, the parents are quietly going broke. It's a mutual lack of communication and honesty about what's what.

[icecreamaddict]

Have you tried therapy individually? It may be beneficial for you to gain some self confidence and figure out how to get your kids and husband to respect you.

[Kattie]

I'm going to raise the therapy question today because again I was told that I spend too much time on myself (getting blood work done that is 2 months overdue) -mostly trying to improve my health - and not enough on family needs. I have no time for hobbies or to even read a book. Yet he complains every time we run out of something in the house.

[penelope13]

How do you react when he says things like that that are simply not true? Do you just remain quiet or do you try to tell him that he doesn't have his facts straight?

 

It seems your husband has no sense whatsoever what being an equal partner in an equal relationship entails. If you want to start having a different life at home you need to radically change the way you communicate both with your husband (foremost) as well as your children.

 

If he thinks you are not taking care of the family needs - demonstrate to him what 'not taking care of your family' would be like and literally don't do anything for a week.

 

You also need to sit down with your husband and draw up a budget in order to discuss if you as a family could afford either one of you retiring any time soon.

 

How old are your kids?

[icecreamaddict]

I'm going to raise the therapy question today because again I was told that I spend too much time on myself (getting blood work done that is 2 months overdue) -mostly trying to improve my health - and not enough on family needs. I have no time for hobbies or to even read a book. Yet he complains every time we run out of something in the house.

 

Who told you that you spend too much time on yourself? It seems that you spend too much time doing things for the rest of your family.

[Kattie]

His passive aggressive reactions make any response difficult. If I argue back he says that I am childish, if I ignore him he gets onto "oh, I have to do everything myself because you are selfish" spiel. This morning I said I would pick up the banana and he is "don't trouble yourself. You are way too busy..." He has had to cover when I travel, but he does the minimum and often takes leave to have an easier time of it. I have no idea why I am so upset right now, because I am fed up of this pressure. My heart is ruined and I developed diabetes in the last 5 years just because of this constant stress. The only extra time I try to make for myself is a couple of minutes of relaxation/meditation and about 1 hour of exercise a day. Does he not care if I die or have a stroke?

 

PS: what would have been your reaction?

[icecreamaddict]

PS: what would have been your reaction?

 

When you respond to him you start your sentences with "I" instead of "you." Keep the focus on your feelings and how things affect you. Instead of saying "you never do anything!" you can say "I feel overwhelmed with all of the things I am doing at home." Just an example... therapy can help you tremendously with this.

[Kattie]

Okay. He isn't terribly receptive to my feelings, though, which is why I will try to convince him to do some couples therapy (he has always refused to go in the past saying it was a waist of his precious time).

 

One time he went on a tirade because of something so completely trivial that it completely caught me off guard. I poured my heart out letting him know how affected I was and he just called me a blubbering baby and really got upset at me.

[icecreamaddict]

You should look into individual therapy for yourself. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Take care of yourself... he obviously doesn't care about you. Have you ever considered divorce?

[Kattie]

Yes I have. But I do want to give the marriage a final chance if he is willing to come to therapy. At least I would like to get the opinion of the therapist.

 

I would say that emotionally it has probably been over for a while - he's never been nice. We're more like roommates with common children. He lives in his part of the house. Never shared a room with me anyway. I focus a lot of energy on the kids and derive my happiness and fulfilment there. No regrets on that front. It kind of works in its own bizarre way, at least for them. Still divorce is big change. I'm scared. And I need my time and energy to improve my health. I just hoped to ignore all the relationship stuff for a bit.

 

Just wondering - not that I could ever find anyone else at my age and with my ruined health and poor looks -- are there any men out there that are kinder than this? I have no idea what the norm is. I really don't want my children to get married. I am frightened for them.

[penelope13]

You are not getting the time and energy to look after your health under the current conditions. That is an utter illusion according to what you have said in this thread.

 

what positive thing is he actually contributing to your life currently? I don't take divorce lightly and don't recommend it under most circumstances, but your husband sounds emotionally abusive and a total leach. I would not want my kids to be around a person like that.

 

you cannot change a person if he is not motivated to do so and currently your husband has no incentive whatsoever to have to change because while you may complain, you always give in and you accept his abuse. You should indeed look into therapy, but for yourself to learn more assertiveness and to gain the courage to separate from this abusive situation. Your children will adjust.

[icecreamaddict]

Just wondering - not that I could ever find anyone else at my age and with my ruined health and poor looks -- are there any men out there that are kinder than this? I have no idea what the norm is. I really don't want my children to get married. I am frightened for them.

 

Yes, many men are nicer than this. My bf will do dishes/chores or run errands for me if I ask him to. If I tell him I'm stressed and need some space he respects that and lets me take care of myself. I can't imagine being with someone as disrespectful as your husband. It would really take a toll on my health and self-esteem.

[Kattie]

Nice to know that some men figure it out without needing failed relationships to wake them up.

 

I told him this later morning that I assume you are joking by calling me selfish. Understand that I have a hard enough time taking time for myself without feeling guilty, and that I don't want it said, even as a joke. We'll see if I can get something to sink in.