LDR, however she says I'm smothering her

[nstack2]

We are in a LDR, I'm in Illinois and she's in LA and we only see each other a few days a month. This is my first LDR and I'm finding it very difficult. I personally want to talk every day because I feel that it's important and all we really have since we obviously can't really spend much time together. We usually facetime/skype when we talk. Because of different schedules and being in different time zones, we schedule our video chats Monday through Friday. My girlfriend recently told me that she wants Saturday and Sunday to herself, basically that we won't be video chatting over the weekend. She explained to me that she just needs her space to get her stuff done and have time for herself and that I should have no problem giving her that if I love her.

 

Every girlfriend that I've ever had has wanted to communicate on a daily basis, so I don't really know how to feel. Being in a long distance relationship is torture for me, and not hearing from her every week for two days in a row definitely won't make it any easier. However, I don't want to not give her want she wants and push her away. Am I being selfish? I think I have some anxiety issues, and some insecurity issues as well that I need to overcome. One thing about my girlfriend that has always bothered me is that her best friend is her ex boyfriend. They've only been broken up for a year, and it was pretty serious as they did live together. She has told me that she has no feelings for him and has also expressed that she has no desire to cut ties with him as a friend. I've accepted it but that doesn't mean I feel comfortable about it.

 

Should I just accept her desire to have her space on weeekends as normal?

[mhowe]

Yes...because your anxiety and insecurity is your problem. Not hers.

She has a life outside of the relationship... as should you.

You cannot tie her to you...if you do, she will feel smothered and end it.

She is asking for 2 days to herself. That means 5 days that she will be available.

You are asking for 7....she is compromising...you need to as well.

 

What your past gf's have wanted has no bearing on this at all.

[Realitynut]

I don't see how having 1/2 hour out of a whole day to talk to her is smothering. If i had a bf...(IF) or i was your gf...i think i would be able to set aside a half hour...or even 15 min. just to talk or skype. Be it morning before she runs off on her day to 'do her thing'...or at night before she settles down to bed.

 

I mean, the poor guy hardly sees her AT ALL and she needs MORE SPACE?

 

It would be way different if he was seeing her 7 days a week, and she needed some days free. But he only sees her a couple of time a month! And if he flies out to see her...he is spending a lot of money to foster this relationship, where she doesn't even want to put out the effort to talk to him on a daily basis!

 

I'd say...find someone closer to you and that is interested in you. Someone who DOES want the same things you do, which is having a regular, everyday, communication type relationship. That LDR isn't working. She's a fantasy person that nothing will come to fruition with!!!

[mhowe]

I say that someone with insecurities and anxiety should not attempt a LDR.

She shouldn't have to be tied to Skype or whatever in order to not feed his issues.

[MisUnderstood9]

I agree w/ Realitynut on this one.

 

Something isnt right. My fiance is away for work probably 3 weeks out of the month right now, hes home for a week and then back out to the camp in Alberta he goes. He calls me every night Sunday to Sunday 7 days a week before he gets settled into bed AND he texts me every morning to say good morning AND we talk during the day through text as well. We are constantly communicating with eachother because we WANT to talk to eachother, we miss eachother and we like talking to eachother on a daily basis.

 

This isnt our first time doing this either. He is a trades-men so he is shipped all over the place. 2 years ago right before we got engaged he was gone to California for 6 months w/ no visits home. Everyday samething -- texted me in the morning, texted me through out the day on his breaks/lunches, called me everynight via skype or on the phone (depending if his bunkmate was in the camp room with him). We were in constant contact because we miss eachother and want to talk to eachother, even with us both busy working and doing our hobbies and hanging out with friends, we always made time to talk to eachother even if it was a quick 15min convo to say goodnight and that we missed eachother -- even if I was out and about with friends drinking, he called I left the bar and went outside to talked to him. No one thought I was being rude, they knew he was away and understood this is the time we got to speak to eachother.

 

To me thats what you do in a long term relationship that unfortunately needs to be long distance for the time being.

 

Something smells fishy to me -- she could be loosing interest in the whole LDR thing and slowly trying to fade out of communication.

[mhowe]

If both of you want that level of communication... that is what it should be.

 

However...if one party is feeling smothered...then a compromise needs to happen.

Because after "smothered".. comes "this isn't working for me".

[JA0371]

LDR are not for the faint of heart. They are hard...but they are not for everyone. I personally like having some form of contact with my bf every day. Even if we can't talk in the phone or FaceTime...at least a text or two. To me taking even five minutes to call someone that you supposedly love is NOT that hard to do. It should be a given. JMO.

[Realitynut]

To me, saying 'smothered' is just an excuse...or another way of saying 'this isn't working for me!!!

[Capricorn3]

To me, saying 'smothered' is just an excuse...or another way of saying 'this isn't working for me!!!

Which is exactly why he should listen to what she is saying. She's telling him it's not working for her. As long as one partner DOES feel smothered, then the relationship is pretty much doomed anyway (imo).

[Realitynut]

Me too! If you are really into each other...you don't feel 'smothered'. Just another word for 'It's OVER'......lol

 

This pulling away and trying to 'give the other person space' doesn't work. Especially if the pursuer WANTS more time, and the distancer wants LESS time....NOT WORKING.

 

They just try to put it in some fancy words to put the BLAME on the other person. YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME...when in reality, it's I'M NOT FEELING IT!