Would he have murdered me?

[Kattie]

Can people have nine lives? I put this question to my kids the other day at breakfast. They have heard that cats have them, but do my girls understand the meaning of the expression or believe it? I told them that I have used up four of mine and that perhaps I too am a cat. They looked at me wondering where I was going with this and were half smiling as if I was trying to tell them a joke that they probably weren’t going to be able to fully understand without some explanation. I told them that it was true, and that I came very close to death four times. They were dubious so they called me on it. “Mom, tell us about these four experiences. We don’t believe you.” I proceeded to describe 4 events to them. The first 2 and last were to do with being caught on a boat in a major storm, a near head-on collision on a highway, and a very recent incident where I blocked my airways at a restaurant chocking on some food and needed help. The 3rd story is the one I will post...

 

I was newly married and we moved out west to Edmonton from the east. I worked at a fairly large office with professionals and technicians. One of the technicians had her husband living up north most of the year. To attract friends and pass time she hosted many parties for her colleagues. She had a wonderful, large house just north of the city on an acreage that she bought from a professional football player. My husband and I attended her parties and soon they became fast friends. She was generous, always buying people lots of gifts on her husband’s money and full of personality. My husband adored her spirit and loved to be in her company. Soon most of our social plans were going over to her house so that the two of them can hang out together and play cards or other games. Somehow I was always forced to go but never included in what they were doing. Mostly, I just sat and read decorating magazines in her living room while they hung out elsewhere in the house. She would poke fun at me and call me a “skinny, whiny little thing.” My husband didn’t care about the humiliation I felt or how bored I was to have to hang out there all the time. On time, on a frigid, sub-zero winter evening I demanded to be left at home and stated my displeasure about having to spend another evening at this lady’s house. My husband insisted that I go. There was room for negotiation. Just as we got north of the Namao, he burst with anger because of my despondent mood. He slammed on the brakes, pulled over to the shoulder, got out of the car and came over to my side, opened the car door and pulled me out of my seat onto the ground while calling me a number of horrible names. Miracles of miracles, just as he got me outside on this bitter night a police cruiser came by, stopped, and asked what was going on. My husband said it was nothing; we got back in the car and continued on together in silence. I again sat alone while listening to everyone else; including my husband, have a pleasant evening playing games of Hearts. After we left my husband gave me the silent treatment while I bawled my eyes out all night long until my tears ran out and I had a painful headache. Pathetically, I was the one to beg for forgiveness the next morning while he sat there glaring at me full of contempt. The reality of it is, though, if that police officer hadn’t come by when he did, I surely would have frozen to death along that desolate road in the minus 30 temperatures.

 

After the choking event, I thought more about my life, the opportunities I have been given, and how I have chosen to spend it. It was only when I regaled my kids with these stories that I realized that I dedicated myself to a man who once tried to murder me. He may have gotten away with it, too. Who would have ever known how my frozen corpse got to be beside the desolate highway? After nearly 30 years of living as a lesser entity in an unseen world seething with contempt and constant tension, I stupidly wonder why I am taken for granted and so often disrespected. Who in their right mind would value someone who goes on obliviously loving their own potential murderer? To this day I wonder if he would have left me out there to die.

 

I wanted to share my story and get it out of my head and into the open. I will write up more over time as a form of therapy and to try to help me heal (and grow stronger). If anyone has any comments, I would be delighted if you could share them. Thank you for listening.

[mhowe]

You shared that story with your children?

[savignon]

I don't think it sounds like attempted murder but definitely disrespectful, humiliating and cruel.

How old are your kids? Depending on their age, I would be very careful about sharing something that could really scare them about your well-being or question your mortality. Is their father the man you were talking about? That would especially something to keep from them until they're well into adulthood.

What you write about living as a lesser entity and tolerating such intolerable behavior sounds like good things to bring to a therapist who can help you work through all of those feelings. I have found therapy to be well worth the cost, time and energy.

Wishing you lots of love and support while working through those hard feelings and wounding experiences! Make a choice that they won't dictate your future!

[Kattie]

My kids were told a diluted version where my husband wasn’t mentioned. This happened over a decade before they were even born, and they never need to be told the actual details. I didn’t make any reference to someone trying to do me any harm either. They were simply told that I wasn’t dressed or prepared for the cold while heading out on a desolate highway, where I nearly got stuck. The point of tell in them was to emphasize the need for focus, thinking and taking care to avoid accidents that can change one’s life in an instant.

 

I have seen people through the years, but it does not negate the fact that I have subjected myself abuse and cruelty. I know exactly why I am the way I am. It took courage for me to write about this incident and post it. I feel very uncomfortable about that (and somewhat humiliated). That said, thanks for reading it and listening...

[lavenderdove]

I am not sure how old your children are, but if they are anything less than teenagers they shouldn't be told these kinds of stories about dangers to their mother's life because it can make them feel very afraid and insecure because they are so emotionally dependent on you.

 

I think if you feel you were a victim of abuse, you can share that with adults and in an abuse survivors group, but don't discuss such things with your children. They don't have the emotional coping skills that adults do, and look for their mother to be their rock and sense of security. Talking about your own potential death with them is just not appropriate until they are at least teenagers or adults.

 

If your children are young, they may now have anxiety every time you leave in the car when it is cold or dark outside wondering if such a thing could happen again and they'd lose you. It is wonderful to share those experiences with the appropriate people (cousnelors, support groups etc.), but I suggest in future you keep that kind of 'sharing' away from your children.

[Kattie]

I am not sure how old your children are, but if they are anything less than teenagers they shouldn't be told these kinds of stories about dangers to their mother's life because it can make them feel very afraid and insecure because they are so emotionally dependent on you.

 

Please read the post from me above as it explains the fuller context. (My fault for doing a cut and paste from a fuller narrative meant only for me.) Please give me some credit as a parent!!!

 

I would appreciate if people could stick to the aspect of the impacts my accepting abuse has had and the toll it has taken, which is why I posted in the first place. BTW, my question is rhetorical. Not even I know the answer based on his state of mind at the time. I don't see any point in asking, though I still do wonder.

[savignon]

I think everyone that responded paused to wonder how old your kids are (I took "after nearly 30 years of living" to mean that you're in your late 20s which would make your kids pretty young)....my point being, I think since everyone asked and mentioned concern for your children there was an obvious 'stand out' part of your story that might not have been your main point. Of course we don't know you (or anyone on here) well enough to assume anything or give anyone 'credit' as a parent. We only know what people share openly.

If you've tried therapy and haven't gotten to the root of the issue, I wouldn't quit on that....in order to be a healthy person in healthy relationships you need to have a good handle on where you might typically make a wrong turn which includes evaluating past relationships.

Have you tried affirmations and meditation? Some other things to consider exploring.

[abitbroken]

I know from my old childhood, sometimes edited stories have a way of being found out when they are repeated by them and you forget how you edited, or they question about the story when they are older. There is just no reason to plant that seed. They might end up telling dad what you said and he might unravel what story you were referring to.

 

Anyway, the bigger question is - why are you asking us if your husband would have killed you? If this was over a decade ago and you have resolved your differences and have a better marriage - and had kids - why does it play in your mind to the point of needing to ask people? That is what I am curious about.

 

Also, if you need to be "heard" in telling that last story, I wouldn't burden kids with even an edited version. I would talk to adults about it. Have you talked it through with your husband?

[Kattie]

The event happened 30 years ago. I am recently haunted by it and now feel disgusted in myself that in that entire time I have stayed with someone who may have harmed me then and has caused me a great deal of anguish since. I thought that this forum was for that kind of discussion?? This has nothing to do with my kids (who are now grown up) and successfully living their own lives. They will never know this happened. Anyhow, I'm done airing my dirty laundry. I cannot say it helped me to feel any better.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.