Mangiafuoco Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 You cannot get back together with someone who does not want to get back together with you. It is as simple as that. Doubt me all you want. I have reconciled with my ex and did it by.....letting go. I'm ok with all you wrote now, i got your point of view. Perhaps I have not explained well what i mean: I want let her go, i want she live her new relationship in a full way. I don't think to interfere with her life in the future unless with some ligh contact ( apart the fact now i'm wondering if is good ot not to let her know that i know she is in a new relationship). But i don't want to kill my hope to be with her again someday. You wrote you are with your ex, then i think you never killed your hope to be with him one day. To have reconciliation it need to be some type of contact. If i disappear i can't see how any reconciliation can happen in the future. Link to comment
Liraele Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 To the OP: No. She's your ex. Why are you still talking to her? You broke up... you need to heal. If there is a reconciliation in your future, and if you want it to be a successful one... you have to heal first. Which means... live and let her live. Link to comment
mhowe Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Yes, I did "kill my hope" to be with him. We were apart for months. With zero contact. Reconcilation happens because they discover what their life might be like without you in it. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Absolutely blows my mind you could want anything at all to do with someone who broke up with you and is sleeping with someone else. Link to comment
Mangiafuoco Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 Yes, I did "kill my hope" to be with him. We were apart for months. With zero contact. Reconcilation happens because they discover what their life might be like without you in it. I learned something now. Thank you Link to comment
Mangiafuoco Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 Absolutely blows my mind you could want anything at all to do with someone who broke up with you and is sleeping with someone else. Ehh mate, that's love. She was sleeping with someone else before me and she can sleep with someone else after me. I can sleep with other women too, but i love her. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 See, you see this relationship as 'clandestine' because you are not party to it. But the thing is, she is 'living it fully' if she is dating him. You may not be AWARE of everything they do, but she is indeed living it, and living it as she pleases and as he pleases, with no reference to you at all since you have no claims on her anymore. I'm sure that she doesn't tell everyone who she is dating and what is going on (nobody does), so just because she doesn't talk about it with you doesn't make it 'clandestine'. It makes it PRIVATE information that she chooses to not tell you about, but it is VERY real to her, just not visible to you. My experience is that if someone wants to get back with you, they are more likely to do it if they have NO contact with you and realize that there is a void in their life without you in it. But if you are happily meeting her for coffee every week while she is busily banging this man (and who knows who else), then her life is really happy and full. New men and exciting new romance, and old ex there to build her ego and provide a friendly sense of comfort and security. Without you in her life she has ONLY him, but with you in it, she's got all the excitement of a new man, while all the comfort of an old ex willing to settle for crumbs and to be there when she's in the mood to talk to you. So the advice is to indeed go no contact. Tell her you want to get back with her, but she needs to live her life and if she changes her mind to call you, but otherwise you don't want to be like her best GIRL friends chatting and having coffee with her. She has your number, and can use it if she changes her mind, but otherwise leave you be and let you heal. I've had exes with no contact call me anywhere from a few months to YEARS later, so they do know how to find you if they want to, and having coffee with them every week wouldn't have changed anything at all. So you have to decide whether you want to be her best girlfriend, or whether you want to be her romantic BF. If you want to be her BF, chatting with her over coffee while she excitedly bangs other guys won't be to your benefit. And trust me, the guy is VERY real if she's banging him and the relationship is in full swing and her telling you what she is doing with him won't change anything at all. But if you really must (and I think you've already made that decision), tell her that you know and ask her why she didn't tell you. I'll bet it is because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But that still doesn't mean she wants to get back together, only that she is trying to be sensitive to your feelings because she wants to keep you as a friend. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Ehh mate, that's love. She was sleeping with someone else before me and she can sleep with someone else after me. I can sleep with other women too, but i love her. This is your perspective. For all you know, the way she sees it, you're just an ex and this new guy is The One. For all you know, they could be together forever. What you need to accept is that, rebound or not, she'd rather be with him. Many relationships begin "clandestine" until everyone's on board in terms of exclusivity/commitment. I wouldn't read anything into her not making it public on Facebook. As for her not telling you -- why should she? You're broken up. It's none of your business (sorry). Link to comment
Mangiafuoco Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 But if you really must (and I think you've already made that decision), tell her that you know and ask her why she didn't tell you. I'll bet it is because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. But that still doesn't mean she wants to get back together, only that she is trying to be sensitive to your feelings because she wants to keep you as a friend. I already told her i don't want to be her friend. And Not really i haven't made the decision to just tell her that i know she is in a new relationship. Still wondering. I'm on No Contact, as you know it is a pain (ok only 16 days but they hurt), and i'm not happy at hall to broke this NC. But on the other hand, I went NO CONTACT without saying anything to her about my decision, so maybe she'll be pissed off about this. Peraphs is good if met her another time explaining her to contact me only if she want to be back with me. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Peraphs is good if met her another time explaining her to contact me only if she want to be back with me. No. No. Say nothing. Seconding the lady with the rose too, reconciliation happens and works only after you've let go and weren't looking to reconcile at all. Stop thinking whether she's pissed off, what this guy means, what she thinks of your decision to go nc and the like. Really just accept things and try to move on for now. You claim you love her so let's put that to a good use: "love is unconditional, meaning it expects nothing in return. The other person could think I'm worthless, disrespect me, want nothing to do with me, hate me even or be utterly repulsed by me and that wouldn't bother me at all. If I love i love. I'm not looking for that to be reciprocated, my love does not depend on the person's actions or reactions or opinion and I don't even need them to know that I love them. My disposition and the fact that i love are my source of contentment, it's not the person. Loving can be done independently of the relationship. It's not like I have to be with someone to love them. I wish them all the best, i love them, i want them happy, even if it is with someone else. relationships won't work without love whereas love does just fine on her own. If being with her is more important than loving without getting anything in return than it's not love you're feeling but possessiveness." Think about it. If you can't imagine "killing" your feelings that's fine, they will heal eventually anyway. But ACTING on them is a classic post-break up mistake. I know you don't want to believe what we're telling you now, no one who's still in love wants to hear this. But it's true and it's what makes breaking up so notoriously hard. post here, rant here, write stuff down as if you were saying it to her but don't try to contact her. You'll just be prolonging the pain. all the best mate, our hearts go out to you, you will feel normal again. Link to comment
Mangiafuoco Posted March 8, 2014 Author Share Posted March 8, 2014 Thank you for your advice. That's ok. I'm not rushing to see her... i know I love her, if eyes are the mirror of the soul i know she have really sweet eyes. But inside my soul i can sense a little repulsion about her, repulsion about all this pain she started out of the blue, resentment about her selfish way to go in all this. I'm not rushing to met her, i'm not making excuses to met her. I want to try to take me back and forget about her but at the same time i would try to hold inside me the little hope that one day we can try again, just an hope no more than this. I'm still NC, still emotional, still dropping tears sometime, but every day a bit better. Going ahead, i will reach the month of nc, then i will think about another month of maybe i will try a little contact... i have to think about this in the next future. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 oh yes, post-break up is quite the rollercoaster, isn't it? It's perfectly normal to feel confused and have mixed feelings. Rejection hurts and sometimes the other person's motives are hard to understand or even cruel and selfish. The emotional storm will pass...Hey, i took my boyfriend back after 2 years. The first year he kept asking to get back together and i had NO INTENTION of taking him back. NO WAY. He finally got it, accepted it, worked on himself, went NC for a full year before we accidentally met again, started talking again and discovered we had both grown from our previous mistakes, still loved one another and had what it takes to make it work this time. It's been several months now and we're doing great! It really happens through acceptance. don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do, you're not a brick- it's the tender things that make you human- and a good one too Link to comment
Monsieur Gamma Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Dumpers can have rebounds too you know. Link to comment
sharky988 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Dumpers can have rebounds too you know. Dumpers are usually emotionally moved on before they break up with you. So they're often much farther along when they have their next relationship. To YOU it might seem like an instant rebound relationship.... to them, it's often something they're ready for. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I think you should read this: link removed Link to comment
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