Confused

[JME]

My girlfriend of 8 years lives home with father and her 2 kids. I have made many mistakes which pushed her away. She got involved with another guy through facebook who happened to be in teh same high school as she was with her being 1 year younger. They knew of each otehr but didn't know each other much.

 

She started seeing him back in December 2013. I thougth something was getting a bit suspicious but didn't clamp down on it. I now believe her wanting to go elsewhere in life drew attention to her to want to pick on me for the smallest thing to provoke me to argue and act on things the way I have always done in the past due to lack of control. I have since realized it was time to seek psychologist help to resolve my self centerness and anger that may stem from depression.

 

Somehow an text argument came about and I wound up not being the last to respond as I felt if she really cared she would contact me. I waited 4 days before I felt something was terribly wrong. I took a look at facebook knowing I've noticed her to be on it more than ever in the past. I saw a new frined she added and something made me click on the guys name. When I did it said he was in a relationship with my girlfriend. I immediately text her saying waht I had found and was devestated by it.

 

She immediately called me and started screaming at me asking if I hacked her account or put spyware on her computer. I said No its purely balc and white and my suspicion took me there. She blamed me for mistreating her for 8 years and said I didn't call her for 4 days and she said at that point it was over for us. I went on to say I didn't break it off with her based on the 4 days of not speaking to her. Now she claims the only reason I want her back is because another guy is interested in her.

 

She said if I didn't find out about this guy I would ahve never made effort to resolve how I have treated her in 8 years and I would remain teh same person that will never change. I told her the other guy may be the traumatic moment that has made me realize what I need to do. And its what I have to do because I love her so much. 3 days later she let me back to being with her everyday but she is still talking to this other guy and twice went over to his house. he lives with his parents as a divorced parent. She only went to the house for 1 hour each time.

 

She gives him the full attention with texting constantly and making excuses to go to bathrooms wherever we are so she can call and actually speak to him. She stalls where ever she goes just to keep him happy. The odd thing is, she doesn't make that effort to actually see him physically and always lying to him about who she is with while talking to him.

 

Her father after 5 weeks now asks me how are things going. I don't know what to say other than I Lover his daughter and doing my best to get her heart changed back to me.

 

I don't know why my girlfriend treats me like a family member and allows me to hang at her house and go to stores and malls and movies with her and not make better efforts to see this other guy. She is not intimate nor shows sign that she even wants us to be together again. She keeps saying she is confused and there is no way we can be together unless I change. She says change is not happening over night and for this she is keeping her options open.

 

She has been late many times to work not sleeping properly. Has screamed at me on many occassions leading her to crying at times. She has even blown up on the new guy 2 times calling him psycho and yet still went over to his house for a 2nd time a week later. I can't understand why she would put herself through such a situation and not just make a decision between me or the otehr guy.

 

My nerves are tense. I can't eat right, I can't sleep right, I can't concentrate at work. I don't want to give up hope with her knowing I am the one able to be with her physically each day whereas the other guy just talks on phone. Don't know when she will make a decision to stay or leave me but it doesn't seem to be any time soon as long as this other guy hangs in there too.

[El0t]

You need her out of her life. Even if you both change and become better people, there are so many issues you'd have to take care of individually first and there's so much bad history between you two that I really can't see things ever getting back to a really healthy place. After all of that, could you ever really trust her? She has two kids and is still being unfaithful. If being a parent hasn't taught her to be responsible, I don't know what will. You need distance and no contact in order to heal and move on with your life. It's scary when you've invested so much, but it's a matter of sunk cost. Sometimes you just need to back out before you keep shoveling everything into a black hole. Best of luck.

[CeeLambrini]

Why are you happy continuing a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else? Get some of your self respect back and leave her, you are not getting any intimacy from her she is just stringing you along for when she is bored of the other guy. She is lying to both of you, and she isn't going to change her mind.

[JME]

Unfortunately it is too hard to walk away. Just last Friday my girlfriend told me that she wasn't going to see the other guy anymore because he is really mad at her for never going out with him as she basically is always with me and of course lying to him about it. The weekend wasn't intimate but her attitude and the way she responded was almost like she used to be with me. No stalling to get home from work. No going into bathrooms in stores or home for long periods of time. Answering the phone more on my first call to her. This lasted until Tuesday. Then back to a bit of stalling and although more talkative and nice to me but slipping away again. She went to my psychologist again with me for teh 5th time and this time we were able to tell the psychologist that the past week was much better. She told the psychologist I was probably more relaxed because the other guy wasn't a threat anymore. He saw a change in her attitude as well this past week and was saying it's good to hear we may be heading on teh right track towards rebuilding what we had. We left his office much better than we have previous weeks as she would always call me a liar when I spoke to the psychologist about certain things. So after the meeting she would want to storm out the door and continue to call me a liar saying I will never change. In any event as I said this past week was so much better. Now 1 week later on Friday yesterday that is, she showed many signs of stalling. She also sat watching TV with me and text the other guy most of night. When I asked who she was talking to she said Uhhhh I can't take this, you are smothering me and it's turning me off. I said I only asked a simple question. She said but yeah and you had that look on your face that reminded me of the past how you act when you are ready to become argumentive. Absolutely not true btw!!! I asked her more on a calm soft sad voice. I told her she is saying it that way just to cause argument and I asked that she not do that. She didn't say anything more. I had to sit there watching her texting paragraphs worth of messages and I turned my head looking into the dark. She aske me why I was facing the dark. I told her I was sad. She said don't even talk to me about sad. Look what I ahd to go through for 8 years so don't even tell me about sad. I said I didn't. You asked a question and I answered it. She didn't say anything more. She loves diamonds. I had this past year of 2013 bought her tennis bracelet for mother's day, Earrings for xmas that she received in October as she didn't want to wait until xmas. Unfortunately while I am going through this battle to save my relationship we ahd gone to jeweler to exchange teh earrings because they did not look as good as we had originally felt. I wound up paying 30% more for another pair that are absolutely stunning. She loves them, but of course not me. We also went back 2 weeks later to get some cleaner that is new out that really does a great job without scrubbing. While there I had mentioned to ehr about her engagement ring that she never wears due to past arguments and problems I have caused. She always tells me about this girl at work having a beautiful 1.50 karat ring that is stunning. We asked the Jeweler to get a few diamonds on consignment for us to see. The cost of ring would be substantial with the quality specs we want. I asked her what she would do if I purchased a new ring of that caliber. She said she would absolutely love it. I said if I do it would be a very serious thing as it would be about marriage and if I put it on your finger and ask you to marry me what are you going to say. She says she would of course say yes but she is not going to be the way she was with me just yet as she is still worried that I won't change. I don't know here. I find it very confusing as if she is pushing my buttons hard maybe to see if I would get angry and lash out and act like I used too. I just don't get why she would allow me to spend such a substantial amount of money for an engagement ring and not follow through with it. After all this other guy is not allowed to call her when I am around her but he can text her all the time. She has not gone out with him in nearly 2 weeks now. I don't get it. Very confused and love her to death.