Why is it always the Dumpees fault?

[Createmyfuture]

Why does 100% of the blame get shifted to the Dumpee as if they did something terrible in the relationship or they just didn't see what was going on? In my opinion it is entirely the fault of BOTH parties, it's just that one chooses to pull the plug first and/or decides amongst themselves that they can do better elsewhere. This leaves the Dumpee feeling like, what did I do wrong? Am I a horrible person? And they come to sites like these where people will tell them, let it go, figure out what you did wrong and don't do it on your next relationship.

 

It's just not always that way. I know where I 'went wrong'. Letting things go in my life and focusing more on her, reducing time with my hobbies and friends, agreeing to spend waaaay to much time together and let things become stagnant and continue to choose the same type of woman. I know where my faults are in the relationship, (and we all have them) I've had many relationships that were very good and a lot of experience. But if 'you' make the mistake of choosing someone who will not appreciate you, or is controlling, manipulative, emotionally immature, or unavailable, lacks communication and problem solving skills, demands a break up at the slightest of misdemeanors, is unwilling to compromise or take any responsibility for anything and runs hot and cold so much you're walking on eggshells then I think you really can't put too much 'blame' on yourself.

 

It is entirely okay if you got dumped and they were the ones with the issues and problems.

[NorthDallas40]

Oftentimes the dumper places the blame on the dumpee to lessen the guilt they feel for ending the relationship, especially when the dumpee didn't technically do anything "wrong." It's human nature.

[Tinkie9901]

I think that then comes down to an issue of the dumpee developing enough self-awareness to know they are picking that kind of person. And learning not to pick that kind of person in future.

 

I married a man who was a serial cheater. Yes he was responsible for having affairs and treating me badly. However, I need to own the fact that I stayed after the first instance and continued to accept that behaviour. That is a valuable lesson I learnt about not having healthy boundaries and self respect.

[abitbroken]

If the Dumpee comes to this forum and the dumper does not, we can only focus on what the Dumpee might have contributed to the relationship downfall to grow and move forward.

[Createmyfuture]

Oftentimes the dumper places the blame on the dumpee to lessen the guilt they feel for ending the relationship, especially when the dumpee didn't technically do anything "wrong." It's human nature.

 

I have experienced this several times, including most recently. That is where the nit-picking comes in and hence the walking on eggshells. This is why you feel unappreciated, she is not focused on all the positive wonderful things you've done for her and the relationship.

[bulletproof]

And they come to sites like these where people will tell them, let it go, figure out what you did wrong and don't do it on your next relationship.

 

 

This is very good advice, and should not be perceived as "blame." The fact is, the only person we can change is ourselves. So it's probably best to figure out how we can behave going forward to avoid a) meeting someone who doesn't treat us well, b) staying with someone who doesn't treat us well, and c) feeling victimized after it doesn't work out. All very positive and useful things to work toward, in my opinion.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are bringing up an excellent point about dumpees.often getting blamed, but I would not go the other extreme to blame everything on the dumper either.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't think that assigning blame is particularly important. People here say to recognize what you did wrong because we can only control our actions. It could very well be that a dumpee did nothing materially wrong and that a fundamental compatibility issue was at play. In that case neither person is "wrong." Things just didn't work out.

 

Personally, it's rare for me to spend months upon months/years with someone where I couldn't retrospectively find an area that I thought I could improve upon, even if nothing that I did was the cause of the break up. It's just a part of our evolution as human beings. Failed relationships inevitably become mini-lessons, and it's for that reason that both a dumper and dumpee should prioritize growth over assigning blame. Assigning blame is the McDonalds of validation -- cheap and easy.

[toby4]

the dumper is also dumping all the guilt and blame, called the dumper for more than one reason in my opinion

[realist]

It's the dumpees fault because the dumper has to rationalize their decision to themselves, their friends, and their families.

 

I'm 10 months separated, and have been served with divorce docs... About a month ago, we started "dating" again. She could still give me no reason as to why she left.

 

And dating/remaining friends with an ex is a bad idea. She had ulterior motives. She is bored and broke. I am fun and I have money. However, I don't do "friends." You're either in or out. I eventually told her to get lost.

 

Yup, a woman I loved, and still do... I had that "chance" that many here hope for. You don't want that chance. Why? You will see their true colors. And you don't want to realize that you were probably just used all along.

 

Dumpers, at least my wife, seem to have a solid history of doing this over and over again. They seem to be looking for something, but they aren't sure what they are looking for. It is a common theme. They will most likely dump the next one they find, too!

 

Gaslighting and blame-shifting are common tactics used. My wife instigated a fight (we didn't fight once in our five years together) to justify her leaving. This left me with much guilt, bus as the months passed, I connected all the dots and realized that this was a cleverly crafted plan on her part.

 

They will manufacture the justification if they have to... The best thing they hope for is for you to just understand that you were wrong, so they can move on care free. I will not give my wife this "pleasure." She was reminded that it was I that was willing to pour everything into fixing any real or perceived problems. She was also reminded that she was willing to provide no effort whatsoever. If that creates guilt for her, good. What she did to me far outweighs anything that I ever did to her.

[Elektra22]

the dumper is also dumping all the guilt and blame, called the dumper for more than one reason in my opinion

Very excellent insight toby4! I agree wholeheartedly- dumpers seem to find a way of absolving themselves of all responsibility by piling on as much garbage as they can and unloading it on the dumpees- they recreate the relationship to fit their own warped views so as not to have to take a good look and see what dbags they really are. (I am speaking of the cases where the dumpees have done nothing wrong to deserve this shabby treatment- not genuinely those that are dumping someone out of being abused or cheated on).

[Ms Darcy]

Very excellent insight toby4! I agree wholeheartedly- dumpers seem to find a way of absolving themselves of all responsibility by piling on as much garbage as they can and unloading it on the dumpees- they recreate the relationship to fit their own warped views so as not to have to take a good look and see what dbags they really are. (I am speaking of the cases where the dumpees have done nothing wrong to deserve this shabby treatment- not genuinely those that are dumping someone out of being abused or cheated on).

 

I personally think this is a bit much. I have ended a relationship and others have ended relationships with me because we weren't compatible long-term. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Nobody is a dbag. Nobody is placing blame. Nobody is unloading.

 

Just parting ways.

[Elektra22]

I personally think this is a bit much. I have ended a relationship and others have ended relationships with me because we weren't compatible long-term. Sometimes it's as simple as that. Nobody is a dbag. Nobody is placing blame. Nobody is unloading.

 

Just parting ways.

 

I respect your opinion Darcy, but respectfully disagree- I stipulated that those who have done nothing wrong to deserve it & those that get even more dumped on them (in response to toby's post) than just a conciliatory, respectful breakup- as in those that are going along in the relationship putting their hearts & souls into it, doing everything they can to make the other person feel happy, loved, and a priority and then- BAM- they don't get broken up with respectfully, (as in a noncompatible issue kind of way), but instead are insulted, belittled, and "dumped" on even more by the dumper in order to alleviate the dumper's guilt because they blindsided someone, and on top of that, verbally abused them and hurt them even more for no other reason other than to try and maintain their "good guy" or "nice girl" status in their own eyes by distorting the character of the dumpee and trying to find fault so as not face the reality of how crappy they treated someone. To me, those kinds of people are indeed douchebags.

[Ms Darcy]

In your original post you said: "I agree wholeheartedly- dumpers seem to find a way of absolving themselves of all responsibility by piling on as much garbage as they can and unloading it on the dumpees- they recreate the relationship to fit their own warped views so as not to have to take a good look and see what dbags they really are. (I am speaking of the cases where the dumpees have done nothing wrong to deserve this shabby treatment- not genuinely those that are dumping someone out of being abused or cheated on)."

 

This indicates cases where the "dumpees have done nothing wrong to deserve this shabby treatment." I am assuming "this shabby treatment" refers to toby's quote: "the dumper is also dumping all the guilt and blame, called the dumper for more than one reason in my opinion."

 

So what I am hearing is that aside from cheating and abuse where the dumpees deserve it, dumpers seem to treat the dumpee in a shabby way by blaming the dumpee for the relationship's end. I am saying I don't agree with that assessment.

 

In your clarification, you added a lot of other points, which you did not mention previously ...

 

But to me, the bottom line is that I am concerned that sometimes people (especially as dumpees) conflate two separate issues.

 

One issue is why the relationship ended. The other issue is how the relationship ended.

 

How it ends ... if someone is verbally abusive and insulting in ending a relationship, that's terrible. It genuinely is not OK and I agree that is crappy treatment. But I don't view a blindside as crappy treatment, for example. It's very difficult to accept, but sometimes the dumpee won't see it coming.

 

Why it ends ... we all have our own perceptions. Sometimes a dumper puts all the blame for the end of a relationship on the dumpee. Sometimes the dumper puts the blame on themselves to avoid being mean ("I am depressed and not ready for a relationship.") Neither are very accurate in my opinion. Similarly, sometimes a dumpee puts all the blame on themselves or the dumper, and neither are usually true. Often it's shared reasons. But, ultimately, sometimes those reason amount to incompatibility. (For example, the couple is fighting a lot. Perhaps the dumpee would have wanted counseling but ultimately the problems in communication spoke to larger differences that suggest they are better with different partners.)

 

So, in terms of the 'why' it ends, I think it's up to each individual to take what they hear with a grain of salt and really analyze whether they think there is some merit in those ideas. It's very hard to do when you are still hurting and want the other person back. It's easier as you heal.

[Ms Darcy]

delete .............

[toby4]

delete .............

 

all i meant from my OP is that if someone broke up with me in a respectful way i'd call it breaking up not call it getting dumped. The words getting dumped to me means throwing away something useless to you. breaking up shows mutual respect.

[Elektra22]

all i meant from my OP is that if someone broke up with me in a respectful way i'd call it breaking up not call it getting dumped. The words getting dumped to me means throwing away something useless to you. breaking up shows mutual respect.

That's exactly what I took from your post too toby and that's what I was comenting on geeze LOL I didn't know it would cause such a ruckus! Anyway, I was just trying to support your stance as I totally am all about mutual respect too and not getting dumped on even more as breakups are horribly painful to begin with as it is. Sorry if my posting wasn't clear enough for some.

[eddy1979]

I think u are missing Eleckra's point Mrs. Darcy; She is referring specifically to those who are shifting blame and not relating to your experience which ended cordially (no blame, no unloading). I don't think her point is a bit much, I think it is bang on.

[eddy1979]

Also, incompatibility has nothing to do with not giving someone the respectful treatment they deserve. We are incompatible so I don't owe him any respect, even though we shared a very close relationship at one point. Cmon, it's common sense, we aren't talking about people getting abused or cheated on.

 

Part of love is the fact that you have differences.. and work on it. It is a willingness to work at yournrelationship... nothing more nothing less. If someone isn't willing to work at it any more for whatever reason, owe it to the person and break it compassionately. Blame shifting is a cowardice act... and people remember that.

[Ms Darcy]

I think u are missing Eleckra's point Mrs. Darcy; She is referring specifically to those who are shifting blame and not relating to your experience which ended cordially (no blame, no unloading). I don't think her point is a bit much, I think it is bang on.

 

This thread is 2 years old - lol.