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Should I give up trying for my exboyfriend?


rchampion

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My boyfriend and I were very happy. We moved in together last May. In September however, he could no longer cope in his job and he had to leave. He was unemployed for a month but managed to find another position. This was a relatively good job but a significant drop in role since his first job. My boyfriend was the kind of person that was very bright, academia came very naturally to him and he had no problems in this throughout his life. As soon as he became a teacher however, he found something that was harder than he thought it would be. Very quickly he fell into a state of depression. Unfortunately due to government cuts he has been unable to receive CBT for this depression. Things were however getting better and despite our relationship’s ups and downs we were back on track and I felt as though we were doing better.

Last week however we had a string of very bad arguments which I acknowledge were my fault. On Friday, we were due to go on holiday with parents for the weekend. I had been umming and ahhing about going and finally made the decision that I would not go and would return to my parent’s house for the weekend. We had an argument (about something else) before we left. He dropped me off and went onto the place where his parents were staying.

The next morning I sent him a long emailing outlining my faults and stating that I wanted to move forward. He replied to me in lots of detail and said that he loved me and also wanted to work through it. Stating that when we are good we are really good and make such an amazing time. That evening, he phoned and unfortunately we ended up rowing. Things did not go well.

The next morning he came by my parents’ house, dropped off my car keys and said he was done and that this relationship has run its course. He has moved out all of his things from our flat which is heartbreaking. I asked him if there was anything I could do to save our relationship. He said that we were not making each other happy and the relationship had run its course.

A few days later he was due to have a job interview for a serious promotion. The day he had the interview he messaged me out of the blue and said ‘I find out if I got the job tomorrow’ the next day ‘I got the job’ I replied that I was very proud of him he deserved it.

Saturday morning I had a massive blip and typed out a long email, outlining my feelings without seeming naggy and also addressing the ‘faults’ he felt we had in our relationship. Agreeing with him and considering a way that we can work through this. I told him that I would give him time to reply to me and to consider whether or not he would like to get back together.

Trouble is I have heard nothing? His mum has told me that he had received the email and he ‘needs some time and space’ and that he hadn’t discussed it in full. I know that he is the kind of person that will read it at least 50 times.

Shall I just move on now though or shall I try to fight it out? I have done everything I possibly could have, do you think there is a chance we could get back together? Please help I’m miserable

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As you say, you've done everything you possibly could have. Now you need to leave the ball in his court; another message from you will definitely drive him away.

 

Nobody on this forum can know what's going on his mind, and whether or not you get back together is a decision which rests solely with him. You need to leave it for now. A huge lesson in life is knowing when to let go (i.e. once you've made your feelings clear), what you can control (i.e. yourself, your own feelings and your own actions) and what you can't (other people, their feelings and their actions).

 

You've already told him you'd give him time to reply. Now, be true to your word. Get support for your own uncomfortable feelings, if necessary, but LEAVE HIM ALONE!

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I agree with what everyone else said. I'm sure you've heard it a million times but let him have the chance to decide. You got out everything you needed to say and did your part. Now, let him digest what you've said. Let him be angry for a while (if he is angry) and then show him that you respect him enough to give him the space he's asking for. It doesn't mean it's over but if he sees you can handle this like a calm, respectful adult, he will be more likely to see all of the things you brought to the relationship instead of all of the ways you hindered it. I know it's easier said than done (trust me I'm in the same position) but give him the chance to miss you.

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I agree. You have to give him time. I know it's hard (believe me, I DO know how hard it is!), but you need to respect his wishes. I just recently got back together with my girlfriend and at first she told me she wasn't "ready" for us to see each other, so I told her I wasn't going to pressure her and I wanted her to let ME know when she wanted to see each other. She said she would, so I backed off. She started communicating with me more, we eventually saw each other, and she told me she was so happy I respected her wishes and didn't pressure her.

 

None of us knows whether you will get back with him or not (I wish I had a crystal ball I could look into and say "Oh yeah, you two will be back together in two weeks", but I don't.) But what I can tell you is this....don't pressure him. You will have a lot better chance of getting him back if you don't pressure him. In the meantime, work on you and assume you won't be getting back together. As a meteorologist once said when a very bad storm was coming our way, he said "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. In other words, assume the storm is coming and be ready for it, then be delighted when it doesn't come." I've found that out to be so true...assume you're not getting back together, and prepare for that. Work on yourself, go out, but don't wait on him. If he wants you back he will contact you.

 

Hope that helps. Good luck.

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If he agrees to get back with you then I think both of you would do well to take an effective communication course or read up on how to effectively communicate because if you do get back together in no time at all you'll be broken up yet again because neither one of you know how to talk to one another without using email and even that is after the fact of your fighting and unresolved issues.

 

Good luck. You might benefit somewhat by reading the below link to get you started.

 

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Since he just got a promotion, I would consider the bad timing here. He not only needs time to consider your letter, he needs to adjust to new responsibilities on his job.

 

I'd avoid a pile-on. It doesn't work in your favor. Allow him to back-burner this until he's in a good place to consider it.

 

I'd also appreciate that your writing has lured him like a shiny object into a trap of fighting before--so he's likely cautious about how much weight written words carry between two who can't speak respectfully in person.

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