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Has anyone used No Concat to get an ex back?What if he never initiates contact?

BrokenHearted8

By BrokenHearted8
in Getting Back Together

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BrokenHearted8 Apprentice

BrokenHearted8

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Just to be clear, I don't mean NC in a manipulative way, but as a method to give them the space and time they asked for. My ex boyfriend broke up with me four weeks ago as he "was not happy with himself" and "can't be in a relationship right now". I have been in touch via text after the breakup and decided to go NC two weeks ago (after I stormed out once and told him his behavior is selfish). He NEVER initiated contact. He would respond right away if I text or call, but never ever initiates any contact after the breakup. What does that mean? is this him being polite? is it pity? or maybe guilt? or does he still have feelings? What if he thinks I've moved on for good and doesn't want to disturb me? I'm really not sure what to do! Continue NC, or be his friend? PLEASE ADVICE.

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mhowe Proficient

mhowe

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NC as a method to give them time and space --- is just respecting their request.

Being in touch via text is NOT giving them sapce.

 

Him not intitiating any conctact is him going NC to get over you. He does not pity you, nor is he being polite or feeling guilty. He is moving on.

I would doubt that he is concerned about what you are doing.

 

And he didn't want to be in a relationship. So --- listen to him.

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Kendahke Apprentice

Kendahke

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I wouldn't advise being his friend right now if he asked you for space. He asked that from you for a reason. And how long are you prepared to play the friend role knowing that you want more?

 

If he needs to get his life together, then the best way to honor that request is to give him the space he's asked for.

 

if he never initiates contact, then he never initiates contact.

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JA0371 Proficient

JA0371

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I've read that you're a LOT more likely to heal faster and move on if you do strict NC from the get go....and there was a post on here about how if a man changes his mind about you it's ONLY if you stay in total NC for no less than 8 weeks...and it's only by then that he can emotionally make that decision. If someone recalls that thread maybe you can link it here?

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BrokenHearted8 Apprentice

BrokenHearted8

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Him not initiating any conctact is him going NC to get over you.

 

I'm a bit confused about that. If he's going NC, why is he responding right away to my texts? why is he willing to meet any time I ask him?

 

I know I need to move on and forget about him, but I really love him and I truly believe that he's a great person. He's been going through depression and low self-esteem lately, and that's why I still didn't lose hope. Or am I just fooling myself? I really don't understand! how can someone be so loving, tell you he can see himself at the end of the alter, and suddenly want nothing to do with you? Valentine's day is coming up and we had great plans. I am afraid I'll get weak again and break No Contact. Also, why is it so easy for him to not initiate contact? it's breaking my heart

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HeartGoesOn Grand Master

HeartGoesOn

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As much as you'd like it to be, there is no hidden meaning here, he's simply moving on which one should be doing after a breakup. I'm sure this is painful, but it is what it is.

 

I'm really not sure what to do! Continue NC, or be his friend? PLEASE ADVICE.

 

Why would you want to "be his friend?" He dumped you!

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BrokenHearted8 Apprentice

BrokenHearted8

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Why would you want to "be his friend?" He dumped you!

 

Because he's going through depression and extreme low-self esteem now due to losing his job, not being able to find a new one, pressure from his family, etc. I have read somewhere that this is a normal behavior for depressed people. They just want to be left alone. But, we should make sure to be around to support them. But then, I read a lot of articles about going No Contact to heal and then give them a chance to miss you.

 

But you are right, I don't know why I still want to be around him when he dumped me and he clearly moved on. I feel pathetic for feeling this way. That's why I'm here to get real advice from real people!

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Kendahke Apprentice

Kendahke

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Because he's going through depression and extreme low-self esteem now due to losing his job, not being able to find a new one, pressure from his family, etc. I have read somewhere that this is a normal behavior for depressed people. They just want to be left alone. But, we should make sure to be around to support them. But then, I read a lot of articles about going No Contact to heal and then give them a chance to miss you.

 

But you are right, I don't know why I still want to be around him when he dumped me and he clearly moved on. I feel pathetic for feeling this way. That's why I'm here to get real advice from real people!

 

If you being around him helped him through this, he wouldn't have dumped you. That's the plain and simple of it.

 

You are trying to make his problem about you when it isn't. He will find his support without your input--after all, he's not the one reaching out to you. It's the other way around. He's basically telling you that he doesn't need your support without having to be a jerk and tell you that.

 

You should make sure to be around someone who wants you to be around them. That isn't happening with this guy, unfortunately.

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HeartGoesOn Grand Master

HeartGoesOn

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Because he's going through depression and extreme low-self esteem now due to losing his job, not being able to find a new one, pressure from his family, etc. I have read somewhere that this is a normal behavior for depressed people. They just want to be left alone. But, we should make sure to be around to support them. But then, I read a lot of articles about going No Contact to heal and then give them a chance to miss you.

 

But you are right, I don't know why I still want to be around him when he dumped me and he clearly moved on. I feel pathetic for feeling this way. That's why I'm here to get real advice from real people!

 

He's using his depression/low self esteem etc, as a means of letting you down gently. You're not pathetic, you're in denial, which will pass as you give yourself the time to heal.

 

Be kind to yourself...

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dori Newbie

dori

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I can feel for you

Now if it is not for this depression/busy period, he would be the nice and affectionate guy he was before

But really dont wait! I waited (well not really, just that I did not meet anyone as hot looking as him, otherwise I could have let go if I am truly honest), and one month later, he finished his exams, his email arrived, saying how he valued me as a friend and now he had time to talk to me if I want to and exchange ideas without "playing roles"

Trust me! you dont want that!!

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sharky988 Contributor

sharky988

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Yes. I definitely don't want to be "just a friend", and I will not be able to be around while he's dating other people and moving on. Even if this hurts like hell, I will keep my distance from now on. At least I will keep my dignity and self respect.

 

Preserving your dignity and self-respect is a GREAT first step toward healing. That's about deciding to value YOURSELF more than your desire to chase after a relationship with someone who's decided to end it. So good for you!

 

Going No Contact does hurt a lot in the beginning -- but in the long run, it's the best and fastest way to get through a breakup.

 

Keep posting!

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