Ladies, please please help me with this. . .

[Boromir]

Please tell me what to make of this.

 

Okay, I've posted about this girl a few times. To quickly sum things up, I've been crazy about this American-born Indian girl for almost a year. Her family is from South India, which is an important part of this story. I'm a White American.

 

Until the last week, we never really talked although we work in the same department. She is kind of shy, and just listens to her Ipod while working. I used to get some really nice smiles from her, but never could bring myself to introduce myself. I am rather shy myself until you get to know me, and then you can't get me to shut up.

 

So then someone at work found out that I liked her and told her. It was a rather uncomfortable situation that reminded me of 5th grade. Without going into the details, I eventually emailed her and said, "I hope (insert name) isn't making you feel half as uncomfortable as I am."

 

She responded and was totally cool about it. We replied back and forth, and I told her that I had been trying to figure out how to introduce myself to her since she started working there. SHe was really cool and said that things would just blow over. She said that she didn't date people she worked with. Of course I was bummed out.

 

That happened between Tue. and Wed. On Thursday I was so busy and only saw her when my friends and I were going to lunch. We passed in the hallway and she smiled and waved at me. I thought I smiled back, but I am realizing that my face doesn't always smile like I think it does. Well, on Friday, she emailed me again asking if we could get away from all the gossip about us and talk. She had to stay late and so I went home and she called me.

 

She basically wanted to be sure everything was cool, and without saying it, seemed interested in me. I gave her more info about the situation because it's caused some problems between me and some other people, and at the end of the conversation, invited me out with her friends after she got out of work.

 

So we went clubbing and I met her friends, who are also Indian. We had a good time and after one of the clubs closed, they suggested going to one more place as it was still open. On the way her friends bailed out so it wa just us. Somehow 'us' came up and she said that she just invited me out because she thought I was a cool guy and could be friends. I will admit that we did click.

 

Now I wasn't jumping to anything, but I was disappointed. I tried to take her home but she wanted to stay out. I reluctantly took her to the club and we sat at a table and talked some more. Now, we just met, yet we started talking like we knew each other for years. I felt a vibe and asked her if she felt it too, and she said yes. Then she said that she wouldn't be able to ever date me because her family wants her to marry a guy from South India, like where her entire family is from. She said it was hard, and that her parents were arranged, and they don't even really treat each other nicely. She's only had three boyfriends in her life, and she said at 26 she should have three kids by Indian standards.

 

I was crushed. She kept telling me how cool she thought I was, and that since I had travelled the world, knew more about her culture than she did. She said that she knew how well I would treat her, and that if it wasn't for her situation, she would give me a chance. Then she kind of rolled up into a ball and I held her. For the first time in my life, I realized how Romeo must have felt.

 

Anyway, it was almost 5 in the morning and we had a few drinks by that point. That was probably helping with the honesty. I mentioned that I was hungry and she wanted to go to Dennys for Breakfest. But on the way, I just felt like it was hopeless being together so I took her home. She was a little upset and wanted to still go to breakfeast. She got a little affectionate by putting her hands in my hair so I said okay. On the way, she couldn't understand how I didn't have a girlfriend, and that someone hadn't snatched me up. She liked that I got a long with her friends and that we seemed to have fun together. I guess she's met people before that don't like Indians.

 

At the table I said, "sit on my side" and she replied, "no, sit on my side" and so I did. I held her for a bit and she said she didn't mind. She kept telling me how cool she thought I was (and that she liked my nose?????), and I kept telling her being cool wasn't enough. (I wasn't from South India)

 

When I dropped her off I just gave her a hug. I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere and I just wanted to go home. On my way, I txt messaged her "I hope you find what you are looking for" to which she replied, "I hope we both do."

 

I txted her again saying that I missed her already, but I kind of got a generic "I value your friendship" response. Then she called me again late afternoon leaving me a voice message asking to speak to me about the night before. I didn't get a chance to call her back, and the next day she called me two more times and txt me asking me where I was. Finally, she left a message saying that she didn't mean to lead me on, that she just thought I was a cool guy, and that because of her situation, there isn't anything that can be done about us. She didn't want us to be uncomfortable at work.

 

So I called her back and we chatted for a bit, and she wanted to be sure everything was okay. Natually I said yes, but I think she knew as well as I did that I was disappointed. I've like this girl from the second I saw her, and she knows it.

 

So I normally wouldn't have posted this, but a friend of mine who is a girl thinks she is wrestling with her feelings on me. She said that she could have just as easily never called me once, let alone three times on Sunday, yet she did. I thought is was because she was cool and just wanted to be sure work was okay, but now I am wondering. I mean, do you guys think she is wrestling with something, and going back and forth on what she would like to do, and what she is being made to do (what her parents want)? Why would she invite me out if she knew that I liked her. She doesn't seem to be evil. . . can she be that naive?

 

I know the best thing for me to do is at lest be friends. We clicked. We are a lot alike. We are both in the same field, and while most of my friends are married with kids now, her friends don't live here. So we probably are good for each other in that aspects.

 

Ladies, you know yourselves. . . what do you think is going on here? I really thought I felt something, and I think she did too.

[Amasa]

It does sound like she's struggling with her feelings. If there could be love there I say go for it. You could be her friend and if there are really feelings between both of you, then the relationship will blossom on it's own.

I know it sounds weird but i kinda got a vibe like she wanted to be saved? I don't know how off base i am with that, but because you were holding her..... I don't but that is the feeling I got from what you said.

I'm a big believer in love conquers all. So I say go for it/

[POAS]

well, just keep doing what you're doing, no harm in just being her friend for now. if you truly like her you will keep at it, but don't bring it up, let her, and don't make any jokes about the situation at all, it's kinda awkward.

[ShySoul]

She is wrestling with her feelings. On one hand she's always been taught to live a certain way with strict standards. She doesn't want to disappoint her family or her heritage. On the other hand, she does like you and really gets along with you. She's torn between her feelings and desires and her family's wishes. Its a tough position to be in.

 

You need to be her friend and let her know you support whatever decision she makes. Tell her to follow her heart and do what she feels is best for her. She's the one that's going to be in these relationships and she needs to do what makes her happy. In the end it should be her decision, and hers alone. By not pressuring her you will be showing that you a friend and wants what is best for her. Hopefully your friendliness and openness will impress her and she chooses to act on her feelings for you. It sounds like she isn't happy with that culture and wants to break free, she's just having a hard time doing it.

[Boromir]

Thanks so much for your responses guys. I guess if I take a step back from it and stop thinking about just how I feel, I guess she could be kind of torn too. I mean, I've been nothing but nice to this girl. If someone said that someone liked me, it would kick my interest in them for sure.

 

It was an interesting moment. I really did see her sadness about sort of being trapped in something that she'd not be a part of. I mean, if she were to find the one, who was from South India, and treated her well, and had her parent's approval, then she'd be set. The fact that she's 26 and hasn't found him yet kind of tells me a little.

 

I still have a lot to learn about her, but at the very least I have to give her credit for being so cool. It was just odd that she invited me out without having any intentions. I mean, if she thought that I could flick a switch and just be friends on a dime without any kind of afterthought. . .

 

It is just that she said it that night that she wasn't looking for anything more than a friend. Then she showed me a little more personal and affectionate side that I wasn't expecting and then withdrew it.

 

I will say this though, it hurts that I am not even being considered good enough because I'm from a certain area. I would treat this girl like gold. I get such a nice feeling when I think about her. I wish things like that would be more important than my skin color or where I was from.

 

I guess I should feel bad for her too.

[Queen_Midas]

Hey there,

 

I am an UK born (north) indian girl..and although i don't have a particularly strict family I do know what it can be like in the indian community..there is the expectation to marry someone of the same race as you, sometimes even the same religion and caste.. so she probably is struggling with that. If she were to go out with you, she'd have to suffer the talk, the stigma, shame on her family etc.. So it sounds to me like she's struggling with that, she likes you, but she doesn't want to do that to herself or her family.

 

It's a terrible shame..I'm lucky, my parents don't expect that of me..but it can still affect people greatly!

 

QM.

[Boromir]

Well, I think she is really driven to make this nothing but a friendship. We had a company lunch, and when I arrived she was already there and we smiled at each other. I txt her hello as I was accross the room, and she replied back.

 

Back at the office she emailed me asking how I enjoyed it. I told her that it was fun, but everyone kept asking me about her. She asked if I said that we had gone out, and I can't remember if I replied to her.

 

People still think she is torn but I just dont see it. After work, a several of us went to happy hour and she didn't go. I txt her and she said she had somethings to do. Later I txted her to see if she wanted to do something after, and she said yeah. BUT then she asked if we were going to do it as FRIENDS. I asked her, "what are you afraid of?" She didnt really answer.

 

She eventually called me back to say that she was too tired and would rather do it some other night. Then we played txt messages back and forth teasing each other and wishing each other a good night.

 

I am so sad right now. The girl is turning out to be everything I want and she is doing a good job at holding me at arms length.

[Queen_Midas]

It really sounds to me like she's holding back because she has to, not because she wants to..She likes you, but she knows she can't act on that.. I don't know if that's gonna make u feel any better though..

QM.

 

[Boromir]

Can you give me insight to what you are reading that makes you think she likes me any more than a friend? I am having a hard time looking at this objectively.