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Cheating. How to get over it?

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Opening up is not about becoming or embracing poly or open relationships for yourself. It's about understanding and letting go of that person who is CLEARLY not for you. I'm a monogamous person myself, but I understand if I ever end up with a woman who is bi, or poly - or fickle in the heart, those exist too! - eventually no matter how hard she tries to be with me, she's going to slip. So rather than get down on her infidelity, I've already come to terms with it should it happen. And I'm not even with her yet!


The drive here seems to be to label and color and diagnose these cheaters as something horrible and awful and broken and simply no good. The reality is, they're just people who have taken a different path, for whatever reason. perhaps it hurts more than a breakup, because of how finite it is when the breakup happens, but it's much easier to let the anger and the hurt and the pain pass when the end is accepted and that person is let go - at least within yourself.

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I just feel so hurt and depressed. how can I trust anyone when a person closest discards you like a garbage?


You take these days in strides, slowly rebuilding yourself until you're on your feet again, at which point you get back out there and start looking again. Every person is different, thankfully enough!


I'm very utilitarian, so it's easy for me, I suppose.

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Silver dear I'm sorry to read that I hope you're doing fine today. My first GF cheated on me too. It took me sometime to realize it was her loss and she would have to live with that forever.


Eventually you'll see that people like that will always end up miserable. I wish you the best dear.

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Thanks guys! It is his loss, I'm loyal and caring and I only will become a stronger and better person after this. Lonewing, believe me I'm not picturing him like some kind of bad dudr for breaking up with me but the way it was done - blaming everything on me, verbal abuse, silent treatment. I lost all my respect for him. I regret everything because even at the good times he was still this evil person capable of this. I suspect he had narcissistic tendencies. Im glad I gave him my piece of mind, even though he will never show any remorse, it clearly showed him that I'm so over him. I think the worst has happened, is there anything worth that could happen? I'm sure no. So from now on only forward, I have all the strength I need. I just woke at 4 am and I am a bit agitated but I know everything will be great eventually.

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If I could hug you I would...


Yeah, there's a lot mixed up in that bag of fish. At this point I wouldn't even be concerned about getting over the cheating; if anything I'd be thankful for him having done it so you don't have to wait for him to break up! Now, at the very least you have no desires to get back with him - at least, I hope you don't!! Alas, this is a common issue, though, whereas the person who is cheated on typically finds ways to keep the relationship going for a couple more years, which only prolongs the inevitable. I know I did this.


Regret nothing - because be honest, it felt really good when things were good! And in this aftermath, you're learning a difficult skill many suffer through as they get older, this skill of letting someone go. Chances are, you knew he wasn't right for you, or at least, he did things that you disagreed with at an ethical level. The only issue back then, though, was that as long as he wasn't aimed at you, you could brush it aside and ignore it. Now your ship is in the line of fire!


I dare say learning to forgive a cheater will be your greatest insurance policy in the future, whereas if and when it happens, you have the strength to remove all energy form the situation itself to the point where you are indifferent to it, to that person, to anything having to do with them. And developing that latter position can be difficult!!


Best to you - Saturday is a nice day!

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Yeah -- also NOT forgiving him until you're good and ready is perfectly acceptable, too.


You're allowed to experience anger and bitterness at someone who's treated you so poorly, that's just human nature.


There's no *up side* to getting cheated on. Maybe in a few years you can look back and say it was for the best.... but this only just happened to you, so please don't put pressure on yourself to forgive him right away -- or to take a philosophical point of view.


Frankly, for several months after my ex cheated on me, I was at the gym getting very *philosophical* with the punching bag there, picturing his face on the bag and getting some of the best workouts of my life as a result.


I don't know about you, but I thought my ex was VERY right for me, right up until the moment I found out he was seeing someone else. He was even still telling me I was still his "soulmate" DURING the break up talk.... errr, yeah right. But the point is, NOT EVERYONE has a sense that things aren't going well. It IS possible to be blindsided by a cheater, and it sounds like you felt the relationship was solid as well.

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I don't feel angry nor am I ready to forgive him. I just feel terribly sad and disappointed. Like what's the point of going on? Yesterday I saw a comment of his 'so pretty' on her fb profile picture taken by him. Why do I still want to be the only one pretty for him when I don't care about him anymore and don't want him back? How is he capable of this when our love seemed so strong? What did I do to deserve this pain? I just came home after spending time with a friend and just want to sleep all day long. Again I feel this physical pain in my chest and my lip is twitching ( I just googled it, one of the causes is anxiety). I'm also living alone abroad atm so I just feel so lonely and hurt. I've never had anything like this in my life before

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He is selfish OP. I hate it when people do that. I know people who have been with someone for years, they break up and like a day or a week or a month later they have already moved on to someone else and are posting it all over facebook trying to rub it in the exes face knowing full well that they are deeply hurt.


Its just wrong on so many levels. It is even harder to get over someone at first when you know they can replace you so easily.


These people have no emotional intelligence and wouldn't make a good long term partner anyway because they are selfish and its all about THEM.


It is good though that you are not pining for him or hoping to get back together. It shows you have high self esteem and a good sense of self worth and you will find someone much better when you are ready


It is fine to be hurt, angry etc. That is normal but in time you will feel better

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Thanks, Shelty, you know I trusted him more than myself that's why it hurts so much. In my wildest dreams I couldn't imagine a scenario like this. Has he never loved me? If he ever loved me, how could he move on so quickly after all we shared? I'm in awe, to be honest. I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling so betrayed.

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You aren't over him and keeping contact through social media doesn't help you. You're allowed to feel what you feel and there is nothing in this world that will make what you feel go away. Own your feelings and do not judge them. This is your journey, not his. Don't look at life through his eyes. Look through your own eyes. Cheating isn't a reflection of you but a reflection of the cheater. It will take time to deal with emotions and negative thought patterns.


Remember that you are human and deserve happiness. Try to take care of yourself and look at these circumstances as a third person or a good friend. You will see that the cheating had very little to do with you.


Your definition of love doesn't mean it's the same definition for him. You have to live your life the way you want to. In all honesty and respect to yourself, holding on is normal but trying to figure out emotions with logic will never make sense. You have his emotional answer. There is nothing left but for you to pick your wounds and move on.

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I feel pathetic about me not being able to move past this at 9 weeks mark. Feel like I am some kind of drama queen


I was struggling with the same thing until a friend of mine said she took a year to get over a cheating. It is too soon. You're demanding too much from yourself.


It's not something easy and it's not something light.

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It's been three months since she left me, although only a month since I found out she'd been cheating. Still hurts, still cry most days. You're right, there really is no easy way through it.

The worst is I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to feel better. But I just don't know how to let go of what we had. Even now that all those memories are tainted by what she did.

I have some meditation tapes that help a bit, might be able to send them if you'd like

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Guys, I have a question. So there is this festival in May in Spain and some bands got just announced, and I really wanna go. But the issue is my ex bought tickest ages ago and this new girl is going too. Do you think it is better not to go to that festival even if I'd like a lot. I mean it is a huge festival but knowing they are there may spoil things for me?

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