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Cheating. How to get over it?


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Hi everyone, I thought I would share some updates of my terrible break-up. My ex broke up for me saying I belittle him for making friends because I was jealous that he was texting a girl - he said he was texting her just as a friend and they have only been texting for a week. He said that I'm a f'n awful human being because I don't let him make friends and broke up with me. I was devastated and was beating myself up for my jealousy. How naive I was. This was my first relationship, so I trusted him 100% and never could imagine that someone like him would get involved with someone. So I kept a good 1,5 month justifying his behaviour, being worried about him because of his depression. When we were together, we also agreed how we would be careful with each other if our relationship was ever to end or something was threatening it. So I just never could imagine that he was interested in this girl as more than a friend.

 

Well, he was. Turns out they have been texting since early October, for more than 5-6 weeks before the break-up occurred. Yesterday I looked at his FB profile and he even put the main event of 2013 as meeting her. LOL. So yeah, he was getting into an emotional affair with her, which apparently became physical one since they met last week. I know all this info because he told me this before the break up, they were meeting as friends, he said.

 

I can say that I'm glad I know this because I can confidently say that I don't love him anymore. How can I love someone who is ready to give up a relationship and gets all excited when just one girl pays attention to him. I can't love someone who is not loyal. So thankfully I'm done with missing and earning for him now that I know real him. However, now I have to deal with all those emotions and feelings of being cheated on and being left for someone else. I know I shouldn't but I end up comparing myself to that girl and deciding I will be better than her in every regard Any advice?

 

Btw, I've noticed that in 7 out of 10 cases people leave when there is someone new for them.

 

I'm not letting my ex to affect my future relationships. I will fall in love again and will trust but this time I will be more careful.

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However, now I have to deal with all those emotions and feelings of being cheated on and being left for someone else. I know I shouldn't but I end up comparing myself to that girl and deciding I will be better than her in every regard Any advice?

 

You're already better than her. You weren't messing around with someone else's guy.

 

As to how you feel - it takes time to resolve. I've been in your shoes, and it's very... lowering to go through feeling guilty and then, feel inadequate, all back to back. Just keep reminding yourself - you did NOT do this. It wasn't a lack in you that made him turn to her. It was a lack in him - a lack of spine (for not being straight with you and saying he wanted to see someone else), and a lack of moral fiber (that made him accept himself doing this to you instead of acting like a man.)

 

And if she knew he had a GF, she has those same missing qualities, or she would have told him "I won't see you as long as you're still with your GF."

 

You wouldn't have done it to her or anyone else if you knew you were being courted by a cheater. So even though it doesn't FEEL like it - he dropped to his level of scum and found someone else that didn't have a moral backbone.

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It sucks that he tried to turn it around on you to deflect attention from what he was doing. Time will make it better.

 

I've noticed that in 7 out of 10 cases people leave when there is someone new for them.

 

That's oddly specific

 

I'm not letting my ex to affect my future relationships. I will fall in love again and will trust but this time I will be more careful.

 

Good for you. Just remember, it often goes hand in hand with sexual inexperience (I'm assuming you guys are reasonably young; apologies if I'm mistaken). A lot of young people will get easily distracted by "new" prospective partners - it's often the case that the only requirement, first time around, are two people who are willing to give it a shot. Then someone comes along who appears to be a better fit and the person is too emotionally/sexually immature to make a decision without testing the waters.

 

That's not a reflection on you and that kind of behaviour (hopefully) dies out as more experience is gained and people start placing less importance on sexual/relationship propositions and novelty.

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That's not a reflection on you and that kind of behaviour (hopefully) dies out as more experience is gained and people start placing less importance on sexual/relationship propositions and novelty.

 

If only! You'd think people would stop cheating once they reach a certain age or level of maturity, but sadly it seems this behavior continues on through the decades.

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If only! You'd think people would stop cheating once they reach a certain age or level of maturity, but sadly it seems this behavior continues on through the decades.

 

Cheating has nothing to do with age or maturity, though, it's entirely a matter of ethic. And while some people believe it's bad, others don't even know what cheating means in the first place. Not because they're ignorant, but because they don't think in these terms that are all necessary to constitute "cheating" in the first place.

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I'm not letting my ex to affect my future relationships. I will fall in love again and will trust but this time I will be more careful.

 

I think this experience will help you to become more conscious of the red flags -- especially when your boyfriend suddenly gets a new female *special friend*. No one wants to be thought of as a jealous person, and of course you want to trust your boyfriend.... but in my experience anyway, when a friend of the opposite sex becomes the subject of conflict between you and making you FEEL jealous, it's usually justified.

 

Looking back, the ONLY guys who've ever accused me of being jealous.... turned out to be cheaters.

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Cheating has nothing to do with age or maturity, though, it's entirely a matter of ethic. And while some people believe it's bad, others don't even know what cheating means in the first place. Not because they're ignorant, but because they don't think in these terms that are all necessary to constitute "cheating" in the first place.

 

I agree-- it has nothing to do with age! Which is why I posted, to disagree with an earlier post saying that cheating is something people just *grow out of*.

 

I also think it's true that many people prefer to tell themselves they haven't *cheated* until they've had sex with someone else.... when obviously the lying and betrayal begins much sooner than that when there's an emotional affair involved.

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I believe the easiest way to get over cheaters and cheating is to simply recognize that your time with that person has come to an end, and it's time to move on/forward.

 

Or, one could take the other road and accept that love and lovers are not meant to be squandered or possessed, hence leading to the poly arrangement where you see people in content relationships and yet are also sleeping with half the town.

 

I dare say learning to share was one of the harder skills I developed growing up, and as humans we are extremely possessive of the things, places and people we hold dearest. Hence, we don't intrinsically learn to share our partners in our culture, and it can take years of heartache and heartbreak to learn such skills.

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I agree-- it has nothing to do with age! Which is why I posted, to disagree with an earlier post saying that cheating is something people just *grow out of*.

 

I also think it's true that many people prefer to tell themselves they haven't *cheated* until they've had sex with someone else.... when obviously the lying and betrayal begins much sooner than that when there's an emotional affair involved.

 

Yes, what annoys me is that he probably doesn't even realise that he has cheated. He probably feels so righteous about himself, that's why I just feel educating him about emotional affairs. What's funny when breaking up he said he feels guilty texting that's girl and he would feel guilty if she wants to hang out with him. Lol. Making me some crazy jealous girlfriend. I truly hate him sometimes for all that he's done to me. Their pictures make me sick. I don't know how they can built a relationship while ruining someone else's happiness. But yes I dodged a bullet, I don't need someone who doesn't last past the honeymoon phase.

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I believe the easiest way to get over cheaters and cheating is to simply recognize that your time with that person has come to an end, and it's time to move on/forward.

 

Or, one could take the other road and accept that love and lovers are not meant to be squandered or possessed, hence leading to the poly arrangement where you see people in content relationships and yet are also sleeping with half the town.

 

I dare say learning to share was one of the harder skills I developed growing up, and as humans we are extremely possessive of the things, places and people we hold dearest. Hence, we don't intrinsically learn to share our partners in our culture, and it can take years of heartache and heartbreak to learn such skills.

 

I believe in monogamy as a choice when you've found the right partner, this doesn't mean possession or anything, this means being a team and working on a relationship together.

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I believe the easiest way to get over cheaters and cheating is to simply recognize that your time with that person has come to an end, and it's time to move on/forward.

 

Or, one could take the other road and accept that love and lovers are not meant to be squandered or possessed, hence leading to the poly arrangement where you see people in content relationships and yet are also sleeping with half the town.

 

I dare say learning to share was one of the harder skills I developed growing up, and as humans we are extremely possessive of the things, places and people we hold dearest. Hence, we don't intrinsically learn to share our partners in our culture, and it can take years of heartache and heartbreak to learn such skills.

 

Seriously..... to suggest that someone needs to "learn to share" after being cheated on....?

 

I'm sure you mean well, but the fault here is clearly with her cheating ex, not with the OP's inability to embrace polyamory.

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If only! You'd think people would stop cheating once they reach a certain age or level of maturity, but sadly it seems this behavior continues on through the decades.

 

Pathological cheating, yes. I'm talking about something different, though it may or may not be relevant here.

 

Cheating has nothing to do with age or maturity, though, it's entirely a matter of ethic. And while some people believe it's bad, others don't even know what cheating means in the first place. Not because they're ignorant, but because they don't think in these terms that are all necessary to constitute "cheating" in the first place.

 

Cheating may have nothing to do with it. But, from personal experience and observation, maturity and sexual experience may be a factor.

 

Ethics are a part of the equation no matter what, but they are also generally developed over the course of youre life. They're not something you either have or will never have.

 

What I'm referring to is a specific type of behaviour where a large factor is the novelty of new sexual partners or someone who offers something superficially attractive, as well as the lack of awareness of the effect your actions can have on someone with whom you have a relationship that is different from any other you've experienced before.

 

You can't say that a boy who's stringing along two girls in junior-high because he can't make a decision is motivated by the same forces as a man who cheats on his wife. The former has a limited understanding of many of the factors that cause you and I to recognise cheating as the awful thing it is.

 

The other side of it is that the first few relationships between young people (and here I'm talking early teens) are, in my opinion, often more superficial, borne of opportunity rather than a strong bond, respect and understanding. Certainly moreso than those of most adults (if you look at medium and long-term relationships).

 

All just my opinion, but looking back at the early relationships of mine and my friends', I have to say that today I wouldn't have counted them serious enough to even have a talk about exclusivity.

 

I believe in monogamy as a choice when you've found the right partner, this doesn't mean possession or anything, this means being a team and working on a relationship together.

 

And not sleeping with other people, for little other reason than to show that the person you're with is special in a way that no-one else is.

 

I'll be honest, if it were allowable, I would probably have occasional sex with other people for the foreseeable future. The reason I don't is because it would hurt my girlfriend and make her feel insecure. She is worth giving up that (insignificant, standing next to what our relationship is worth) freedom.

 

And the only reason it would bother me for my gf to sleep with another guy is because I've been raised to invest amy fundamental self-worth in the idea that I'm better than everyone else to my SO in every way. It's arbitrary, learned behaviour, and I know plenty of people who haven't been raised thinking that way and have (sexually) open relationships that are more successful than most.

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Well, my last boyfriend was 48 and had A LOT of experience. He was by no means a pathological cheater, more of a serial monogamist. But he did pretty much what the OP's ex did.

 

I have to agree there does seem to be some kind of "life stages" component at work. I remember my relationships and those of my friends in my early 20's and there was a lot less commitment generally and more cheating and inappropriate behavior, and it all seemed to *mean* less somehow....

 

In my experience anyway, it gets trickier as you get older, especially in the 30's when people are looking to really settle down and have families. People do become more committed because there's more at stake.... and then there's a return to dating for many people in their 40's which shakes things up again.

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PLEASE DON'T! But write it and post it here. Or send it to yourself. Or a friend who's helping you through this breakup.

 

When you're feeling so hurt and angry and emotional..... let the rules of No Contact guide you to a safer place. NO MATTER WHAT... you don't initiate contact. And you don't reply to his contact, unless he's asking you for another chance.

 

Other things you can do right now to feel better: go for a run, take a nice steamy hot bath or shower, eat ice cream, call a friend, wrap yourself in blankets and watch a favorite movie or show..... you can get past the urge to contact him!

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(...)

 

I'm not letting my ex to affect my future relationships. I will fall in love again and will trust but this time I will be more careful.

 

The problem with cheaters, or should I say, the problem with people is that you don't control them. You'll never now what they will do, what kind of people will come accross your partner's lives and the impact/effect these people will have on them.

 

You might think you know someone and there won't be any red flags, and you'll still be cheated.

 

Trust is very hard and I believe it involves A LOT of luck.

 

PS: you don't need to be "better" than her. "Better" is nor a linear concept, better according to who/what? You have to be happy and feel accomplished in life, that's all that matters.

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The problem with cheaters, or should I say, the problem with people is that you don't control them. You'll never now what they will do, what kind of people will come accross your partner's lives and the impact/effect these people will have on them.

 

You might think you know someone and there won't be any red flags, and you'll still be cheated.

 

Trust is very hard and I believe it involves A LOT of luck.

 

PS: you don't need to be "better" than her. "Better" is nor a linear concept, better according to who/what? You have to be happy and feel accomplished in life, that's all that matters.

 

This may be one of the best/most insightful posts I've seen in a while.

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You might think you know someone and there won't be any red flags, and you'll still be cheated.

 

 

It's very true you can think you know someone.... and yet be completely blindsided and have them cheat on you.

 

However.... if your boyfriend suddenly starts spending a lot of time texting and messaging a new girl -- who he insists is just a friend -- and who's coming to visit him from another country -- and this new "friendship" is making you uncomfortable and causing conflict in your relationship..... you can learn to recognize this is a red flag and take action that much sooner, whether that means leaving the relationship or trying to address the issue and work things out.

 

It's about learning to trust your own gut instincts. That in turn makes it easier to trust someone else.

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Yes your example is clearly a red flag. The problem is, again, by the time you identify red flags it's probably too late. You already lost your partner, if not physically, emotionally. What this translate is that red flags reflect/reveal that trust is already lost, gone. If you identify a clear red flag, you're trust in your partner is lost. So we're back to square one in regards to trusting others.

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My example is actually what happened to the OP.

 

I believe the more confidence you can have to identify red flags and protect yourself from painful situations.... the easier it is to trust others.

 

The ability to trust others ultimately boils down to your own confidence in your ability to handle what others throw at you... identifying the red flags, taking steps to remove yourself from painful situations and doing what you need to do to heal.

 

If you feel confident in your ability to take care of yourself.... trusting others isn't such a scary thing. It becomes a manageable risk.

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OP you will come accross a few people here telling you to change who you are in order to please someone else example those telling you to embrace polygany or an open relationship. There are plenty of people who don't find monogamy difficult at all. Those who are naturally monogamous who have no desire to be anything else so trust that you will find someone with the same values as you.

 

Most of the time when a person cheats it is because they are unhappy and fear being alone so they will line up a plan B first before they leave you. The relationship was on the way out anyway which makes it a little easier to deal with

 

Some people cheat as they lack the emotional maturity to fix issues in the relationship and therefore try to escape from reality example "my wife never has sex with me so I am gonna do whatever I want" these men don't realize that there is a reason she wont sleep with him-probably because he is crap in bed or he never gives her any attention or romance. Counselling could fix these issues through communication but they choose the easy option.

 

Some people just have low self esteem and are insecure. They always think the grass is greener

 

Once you learn the problem lies within the cheater and they have there own issues that have nothing to do with you-it makes it easier to move on to someone better

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It doesn't make it easier to be honest, it means he was so unhappy in the relationship he decided to break it? I thought we were happy and our connection was good. He had issues with anxiety and depression, I've always supported him. I think he just wanted to change and then the girl appeared on the horizon which made eberything easier. Probably she is more suitable for him, smokes weed etc, they even went clubbing, something which he would never have done. I don't like him or respect him after the cruel break up but still so hard to comprehend this all when he was such a different and caring person.

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Yes of course it is all still raw right now but when you are in a better place to think more rationally and logically about this-taking your emotions out of it-you will be able to see it from a different perspective that there is nothing wrong with you or the relationship-the issue was/is him.

 

No matter what excuses he comes up with to try and justify it-that is just his denial and refusal to admit hes completely wrong.

 

You have done nothing to deserve this and you are worth more

 

People show their true colours throughout a breakup. He was always an a**hole but your only seeing the full extent of it now

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