Looking hard for love: Does it have an opposite effect?

[Double J]

Experience has shown me this. Isn't it funny how looking too hard for love can actually have the opposite effect of what you're hoping for, yet when you're not worried about that and focus on other things, it seems to come to you?

I think the forces of fate and free will are at play here. Fate brings people into your life, but is up to you and your capacity to use free will to ask out the girl if you're a guy, or if you're a girl, to give the guy hints to show interest.

 

Life seems to be characterized by a "natural flow of things and events" that we sometimes don't seem to have any control over. It's almost as if life sometimes wants to do the finding for you, but that doesn't exactly mean that you're going to last forever with the person. A person could enter your life, but eventually it doesn't work out, and it serves to help you decide what you really want from a relationship and what you're weaknesses are as a partner.

 

Just want to read what you guys think of this.. has there any been a time that you've looked hard and to no avail, but when you stop worrying about it, you received an unexpected surprise?

[Mun]

You find love when you aren't looking. I think this is because when you stop looking for love your whole "look" changes. You are just enjoying life and not obsessing about being in a relationship--you relax and look happy--and we are all drawn to happy people...so this increases your chances of finding someone.

 

On the opposite side of the coin if you are looking too hard and not succeeding you become more and more frustrated. This makes you appear grouchy and moody. You might even look a bit desperate at some point and of course you will not attract someone this way.

 

Some people will just give up and in doing so they may start bashing the opposite sex....and nobody is going to win there.

 

So relax...and love will come.

[paulo ribeiro]

Just want to read what you guys think of this.. has there any been a time that you've looked hard and to no avail, but when you stop worrying about it, you received an unexpected surprise?

 

That has happened to me.

 

When I was in highschool I fell in love with two or three girls and I was always "chasing" them and they didn't care about me... After all those years of loneliness and pain I eventually gave up and said to myself: "I don't want to worry about girls anymore, now it's just me, myself and I". And a few months later I met my first girlfriend when I least expected, just out of the blue!

[Kaylum]

I think it's also sort of a "watched pot never boils" type of thing...when you're not always thinking about when something is going to happen, it doesn't seem to take as long because we're not paying attention to the time going by. On the other hand, it's very hard not to think about it sometimes, because if you try not to think about it, you may end up thinking about it more.

 

What someone said about how we look happier when we're not looking, I think that's true, but it just hasn't worked for me, at least not yet. I find it easy to throw myself into my work and be friendly with my coworkers and people in general, but it hasn't led to any sparks, at least not yet. See, there I go thinking about it again! But yeah, the bottom line is that the best we can do is just live our lives the best we can and like ourselves; then even if fate isn't on our side, we can still be happy with who we are.

[lonelynshy]

I've tried both approaches (involuntarily, as I can't actually force myself to stop looking although sometimes circumstances have done that for me). In either case I have been unsuccessful so I really think it doesn't matter either way. Some people (me) are destined to be single.

[Caldus]

I've tried both approaches (involuntarily, as I can't actually force myself to stop looking although sometimes circumstances have done that for me). In either case I have been unsuccessful so I really think it doesn't matter either way. Some people (me) are destined to be single.

 

You are only destined to be single if you choose to be.

[PAdreamer]

I'm sorry if I'm repeating something, but I'm too ill to go and read what everyone else wrote! LOL! When you're looking for love, you are so focused on your expectations and finding someone who meets them, and that makes you lose your objectivity. You see what you want to see instead of the truth. Which is why it can often be more difficult to find and maintain a special relationship.

[kaylie]

so very true- when things are meant to happen, they happen- all in a matter of time

[chanceit]

I disagree - i don't think there is such a thing a fate.

 

However we are not our own masters of our destiny.

 

Every day everyone (including ourselves) makes decisions that will affect our future.

 

So how much control over our lives do we have - not much. Thats why when we are activly looking for someone we don't have much luck because we can't infuence whether we are going to meet them or get along to significant degree.

 

But there is no fate - things that happen to you such as chance meetings will be set in motion by other peoples decsions.

 

I think looking for love is a mistake because you don't need to look for it its already there - i would say everyone has people/things in there life they love - be they friends/family/money/cars/shopping/ourselves.

 

What you need to be looking for is someone who gets along with you and you get along with and you don't irritate each other too much, you have trust and loyaltly to each other and you have sexual chemistry.

 

You don't need to look for the love in the relationship because its already there if you got that far.

 

What you should be looking for is compatible people - people you get on with and have a mutual attraction with.

 

i don't think love comes into it...love grows as you get to know each other better.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

I've tried both approaches (involuntarily, as I can't actually force myself to stop looking although sometimes circumstances have done that for me). In either case I have been unsuccessful so I really think it doesn't matter either way. Some people (me) are destined to be single.

Yep, same here. This whole "love comes to you when you least expect it" is funny to me. I don't know, people tell me to go out and meet people, which my "soul" purpose is to find my significant other. Then someone tells me to be patient, it will come when I least expect it. I can't win. Oh well, some are lucky and then there's guys like us.

[Mermaid]

I absolutely did NOT want to be in a relationship when a relationship found me. I went into it kicking and screaming, and declared to anyone who would listen that I would NOT be won over by the man in question, that I would NOT fall in love. I was enjoying my independence, and didn't want to be in a relationship again--at least not until I was ready.

 

And boy, did I fail in that quest!

 

 

 

So here I am in a relationship that is headed towards marriage, wondering why I ever fought so hard in the first place. But I am proof that love finds you when you least expect it--and sometimes, when you least want it.

 

 

[Zanardi]

Yeah... I agree with the main idea of this thread. But what do you do in the long term, if you stopped looking, live your life, and you see that it's been a year now and you are still alone? Don't tell me that you can be very happy then!!

[Ceema-k]

I'm afraid this isn't an all or nothing, "wait and don't look" or "go out there and find your mate".

 

Everyone who wants to find a partner should put in some effort into the endeavour. I think the key to success is losing the stink of desperation. People can sense desperation like dogs sense fear.

 

Even if you don't "feel" desperate, if you've focused on finding a bf/gf to the detriment of your personal life/hobbies/friends/etc., the other person will pick up on it, construe it as desperation and it truly drags your attractiveness index waaaay down.

 

I am a textbook example of how sitting on your bum waiting for love will get you a grand total of NOTHING. Over the years I realized I had a lot of personal issues to work out.. and I still do, but it's an ongoing process. It's not just about finding someone to be with, it's about making ourselves better and better. The same life problems you have now will remain even if you start a great relationship... the only difference is you now have one more area of youre life to manage, the relationship, and that is its own bag of problems.

 

This is your life we're talking about. There's no point being shy about it. If you want something, you have to go for it. Just don't get desperate.

oh and btw, Merry Christmas everyone!

[Mermaid]

I think the key to success is losing the stink of desperation. People can sense desperation like dogs sense fear.

 

So true--and I think women have a keener sense for it than even men. Nothing is a bigger turn-off in a guy than feeling like he's desperate, as desperate equals pathetic.

 

Besides, no one wants to feel like they're with someone simply because the person is so desperate that he or she glommed onto the first person to come along and show some interest. Being in a relationship is something one does because they love the person they're with and have take it to that level; someone who sets out strictly to find a mate because he or she just wants to be part of a couple, will never succeed for the longterm.

[ShySoul]

Love isn't something that we should be actively searching for. When you put your attention on finding love you often seem desperate and that could hurt you. Or maybe your looking so hard for something thats perfect that you miss out on an opportunity thats right in front of you. You may become so busy searching for diamonds that you miss a pearl. The best loves come when your not expecting them, when you wake up one day and realize that everything you've ever wanted is right there and you never saw it coming.

 

That's not to say you should give up on love. Like most things in life, moderation is key. Spend your time focused on yourself, living a good life, and being the best person you can be. It doesn't matter if you've waited a year, or five years, or longer. Sooner or later you will find someone special. When that happens you have to take action. It's a combination of waiting for love to find you and then acting on the feeling and taking a chance on that love.