Getting over an ex?

[FraggingNoobs]

Hi guys. I'm new here.

Can someone please give me some advice.

Its kind of long.

 

Ok, so where to begin. My ex boyfriend broke up with me a month ago. We lived together for about 4 years and dated 5 years. About 3 months ago he broke up with me but we worked it out and he told me he regretted it. Then, he cheated on me with his ex, it was just online though. I saw the messages. So, we worked it out again. I know I shouldn't have given him a second chance, but I love him. After that everything was great. I saw or felt that he tried hard to make everything work again.

 

About 6 weeks ago he had to leave to visit family. He reassured me that he would come back. He went on his knees and promised me. Told me he wants to be with me and marry me. The night he left I packed his bags and he was so sad. He didn't want me to pack his bags because he didn't feel like going anymore. But, he did and we had contact everyday. A month ago, I got a message from him and he told me that its over. That he used me to stay with me because he didn't know what to do with his life because I was his "Safe Zone". That he doesn't feel like being in a relationship or committing to anything. That I'm in his rear view mirror, a chapter that must to be closed.

 

I begged him to reconsider, because he told me that he might be Bipolar so I thought had another "episode" ... I tried so hard, with everything in me to help him. I've always put him first and he just used me. I don't even know if he really is Bipolar or if he lied about that as well to have an excuse for his behavior. I know I shouldn't have begged him, I'm kind of embarrassed about it. I haven't made contact for 2 weeks. I don't think he will ever talk to me again.

 

How can I get over being used? Or forget? I'll study soon but I don't know how to cope at the moment. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust someone again. I don't know how to be on my own. Maybe I just got used to being with someone for so long. I can't even sleep at night because I dream of him. I actually start to panic when it starts getting dark. I can't go out either, my friends stay really far and are busy most of the time. So, I'm stuck at home.

 

I know I shouldn't try the whole "no contact rule" for hope.

 

How long does it usually take to forget someone? I don't want to keep feeling like this.

[maccerz]

I'm so sorry you're in such pain at the moment! There's no denying that it's an absolutely awful feeling, and it completely strips you of your confidence. However I promise you these feelings will fade. I don't think there's any specific length of time that it takes to get over somebody, everyone is different BUT no contact certainly helps! It's a very cliche thing to say but honestly time is a great healer! In the mean time you should try your best to stay busy, get out there and socialize with friends etc, and try make new friends! This can all help to get your confidence back up to where it should be! And remember there is no shame in being in pain, there is a tremendous amount of growth in pain, painful times in peoples' lives are when most people really discover who they are and what they are truly capable of. You'll get through this, and you'll be a stronger person for it. Don't rush yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling, but make sure to take care of yourself and focus on YOUR happiness.

[Twidom]

Everyone is different. Some people take weeks, other take years. I've been dealing with a 3 year old break up. It's been 3 months and I'm still a wreck.

 

My sister on the other hand, suffers for a SINGLE DAY, and moves on like nothing ever happened. It depends on each person. The best thing I can tell you is to not blame yourself. Don't make excuses for him.

 

Try to get busy I suppose. I started doing a lot of different things. Hit the gym. Started running. Met new people. Started violin classes. I even had sex twice with different girls. New things usually help other people. It didn't help me though. But like I said, everyone is different. Everyone has a different way to move on.

 

Something that helps everyone though is going No Contact. It gives you perspective on things. It's hard as hell. It's not something easy and people break it sometimes (I did) but it's the best way to forget someone. I wish you all the best in the world.

[FraggingNoobs]

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. I guess I just have to stop thinking so much /: Break the cycle or something. And get a new routine if you want to call it that.

[ParisPaulette]

It takes time, but one of the things that will help you tremendously is to find something new to do at night--a class, going to the gym, something, anything. You need to force yourself out of the comfort zone you got used to and to replace just brooding over him at night with something you look forward to. I know that's tough, but it is one of the best ways I've found to mend a broken heart. When you're busy worrying about the painting you have to take to art class and how everyone there is going to critique it you don't have as much time to worry about your ex. When you drive home exhausted after being at the gym and suddenly realize you can wear those jeans you haven't been able to fit into for months you won't think about him. Plus you'll sleep better.

 

Get out, get active, fight to get your life back. Give yourself time and permission to grieve, don't accept him back again no matter what he tells you since it's just nuts what he put you through to begin with. Instead focus on you. It will take time, it will take energy, but it's only a month out and you need to give yourself a break. You're doing really good at this point actually and it is a process of letting go and healing. You will come through this better and stronger and yes, in time you will likely love again. But right now while your heart is so raw it's better not to worry about that, so much as addressing the question of "What do I have to do to find something else that I feel passionate about?"

 

You will likely have to force yourself to do some of these things at first, go anyways. You won't want to smile or talk to others, but do it anyways. Push yourself and keep pushing yourself even if it doesn't feel right at first, even if you think it's too hard. One day the switch will flip when you aren't looking and you'll find yourself happy again and not having thought of him all day.

[HereForYou]

You are one strong woman! Trust me its really sad, all the things that you are going through, but look at the bright side you've gotten out of an emotional abusive relationship. He doesn't deserve you whatsoever. He's a jerk and and doesn't deserve a strong women that has everything in the right place. Forgetting him, in my opinion it just depends. You guys have gone through a lot together. Its just the matter of time, what works for a lot of people is finding the negatives in the relationship you were in with him. And see that the relationship you were in was a negative one and just convince yourself that you deserve much better. Just remember not all guys are the same, just because a couple turn out to be jerks doesn't mean that their isn't a perfect one waiting out there for you.

 

xoxHfy.

[dereitis]

Cliche as it can be.. but it just takes time. I had a similar relationship of 5 years and I'm about 6.5 months out and feel great; however, I know she wasn't the one at all for me so that may constitute for a lot of my happiness right now. You'll find someone better!

[SooSad33]

This all takes time. The 'accepting'..letting go... and healing, over your loss. Don't expect to be healed in a month or two.

Loss of a LT relationship is similar to an actual death- it's loss of your love.. partner etc.

 

You will experience much sadness, lonliness, confusion, denial, anxiety, etc.. for a while yet.

 

You have to learn again, how to make it on your own. Don't be afraid of doing it. It's another learning experience.

Im on month 9 of a loss of a 5 yr relationship. It hurt really badly. I felt awful.. still feel rough (sad.. miss him etc).

I have actually gone a cpl days with no tears, amazingly.

I am working on myself,, searching for my strengths.. with the love from my kids & family. I work and work on it.

Work on accepting what's happened and work on me. Getting up every day.. shower.. do dishes.. eat.

 

If you anxiety is really bad, you may want to see you doctor for something to help you deal with it, for a while.

I am on Cipralex and it is helping me out a bit.

 

One day at a time... things will ease off a bit for you, in time. If you need to cry.. do it.

If you need to vent.. do it here.. or get journalling. I had a book i wrote in- said all of my hurt & anger out about him in there. (Never sent anything to him though..hardly) Maybe 3-4 times over last 9 months- but was NOT nasty.

 

Look at it all as another chapter in your life. Life is learning and experiencing things like happiness.. losses and learning to work them out and carry on. I've done this before, I guess I'll have to do it again.

 

Take care... you're not alone.