happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 So I am freaking-out over here. lol I have a third date with a guy (I was set-up by a friend) coming up on Friday. So far, I have been steering our dates away from activities that involve food/eating, because I have food issues. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with several severe food intolerances that were wrecking havoc on my body and I have had to eliminate many foods from my diet. I cook all of my meals from scratch--and I do mean everything, including condiments. It is nearly impossible for me to eat a normal meal at a restaurant without feeling really ill afterwords. If I went to a restaurant on a dinner date, I would really only be able to eat something boring like a salad with no dressing. No fun. And then I look like a weirdo for only eating a naked salad, right guys? So for the date on Friday he really wanted to take me out for dinner, and was asking me where I would like to go so he can make a reservation. I lied and said I had plans for dinner and so we are having another coffee date in the afternoon (I can still drink coffee, thank god!). I feel bad, I have not told him my issues, because I am afraid too! I haven't really been seriously dating since I was diagnosed with these problems, so this is the first guy that I have to actually tell this too. I realize that my problem is not a life-threating illness, these are not allergies, but it still is a pretty big deal. It has been enormously difficult dealing with this issue in my life, making sure my family understands how to accommodate my issues at family dinners, it has limited my social life and made it hard and awkward to hang out with friends sometimes. It has affected my ability to do anything spontaneously--because I have to make sure that I have food prepared to take with because I can't just stop somewhere and grab a sandwich. Not to mention, it is awkward to talk about, and I am dreading that when I tell my date about my problems he is going to think I am a weirdo or a high-maintenance food chick and never call me again. And I like this guy, so far. I would be really bummed if he rejected me because of my food issues. How do I broach this subject so that he doesn't run away screaming? Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think you should put it on your online profile, and/or tell the guy ASAP. For some guys it won't matter, for others it may be a dealbreaker. But honesty is the best policy, and lying about something like this will just be more awkward later when you have to admit the truth. As for *how* to tell him, just tell him plainly like you did here. Just DON'T make it sound like you've got terminal cancer with 3 days to live - act like it's no big deal and that he doesn't have to worry about it as long as you're able to find something to eat prior to going on your outings. Good luck! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Very nonchalantly. Don't tell him you lied about dinner -simply say during the coffee date - I'm very healthy and have to be particularly careful about what I eat because of a sort of allergy I have. Eating at restaurants is difficult for me. If he asks more about the allergy you can even say "oh it's boring medical stuff - how about we talk more about it when we get to know each other better". I have this opinion because it's not something that is going to effect anything other than eating together - so he doesn't need to be forewarned yet about all the particulars. And especially during a shorter coffee date you don't want this issue or digestive type issues to dominate the conversation. If you get to know each other better maybe you can send him an article about it. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Totally agree with Batya's suggestion. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Well...he will run away screaming if you keep insisting on coffee dates - as in he'll think you are not into him. Why don't you invite him over and make dinner for him and you can mention your food issues while he is enjoying your cooking skills and a great meal. It really won't seem that bad to him then. Besides, if someone tells you that they are allergic to peanuts or seafood, do you think of them as just high maintenance? No, right? You'll sympathize and make sure that they don't get exposed to that. It's really not as big of a deal as you are making this out to be. I know your issues are more extensive, but still similar in a way. It's really more about how you handle it. If you are negative about it and refuse to go out to restaurants, etc. then you are being a pain. If you are a good sport about it and make yourself good company while eating a nekkid salad as your main course, then nobody will really care except for maybe making sure that you don't order something that will end the night in the ER. Link to comment
Throwaway999 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I guess some guys might "run away screaming" but for me it wouldn't really be a big deal. I'm tired of every woman claiming to be a "foodie" anyway. I'd rather be doing things that weren't all centered around food. So, like ND40 says, be honest and up front about it, and don't sweat it too much. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Ugh, I think I am overly stressing about this, lol. I think my issue is that I may be rejected over this, and that makes me sad. I don't know if I can handle being rejected because of this, tbh. He claims to be very health conscious and says he eats very healthily, so i'm hoping that he will be understanding. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 He claims to be very health conscious and says he eats very healthily, so i'm hoping that he will be understanding. Look at it this way: If he's A GOOD GUY he will be understanding. But if he's a d****ebag, he won't... and good riddance! Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Ya, I think it is too soon to have him over for a dinner date, I need one more date before I have him over, but I definitely have no issue with cooking for him, I love cooking. I haven't eaten at a restaurant in 2 years, which really sucks because I was such a foodie, I still am, but it's not the same now. I get sad at restaurants TBH, watching people eat things that I can't have anymore. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I wrote what I wrote in part because of a date I went on 20 years ago or so where on the way to my favorite Italian restaurant he proceeded to tell me that he had certain digestive issues and described in detail what happened to him when he ate certain foods. I wish he would have just asked me whether they had plain pasta at the restaurant (or plain whatever) which is what he needed to know. The rest was TMI. No it was NOT a dealbreaker in the least just a bit of a turn-off to dwell on those details right before dinnertime. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Look at it this way: If he's A GOOD GUY he will be understanding. But if he's a d****ebag, he won't... and good riddance! Lol, true enough. Lol, I think I am just insecure about being rejected because of this, but really it's like anything about yourself that can't be changed right, he could reject me because he doesn't like how I laugh, or any number of things that I really can't change about myself. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I wrote what I wrote in part because of a date I went on 20 years ago or so where on the way to my favorite Italian restaurant he proceeded to tell me that he had certain digestive issues and described in detail what happened to him when he ate certain foods. I wish he would have just asked me whether they had plain pasta at the restaurant (or plain whatever) which is what he needed to know. The rest was TMI. No it was NOT a dealbreaker in the least just a bit of a turn-off to dwell on those details right before dinnertime. Oh god, ya, TMI. I know that if things actually go somewhere with this guy I will have to get into the details, but I know that if I just blurt it alllll out now he WILL run away screaming! Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think you should put it on your online profile, and/or tell the guy ASAP. For some guys it won't matter, for others it may be a dealbreaker. Hmm, so I don't have an online profile, but I have been considering doing the online thing, I'm still on the fence about it, but should I really disclose this on a profile? Wouldn't that be weird? I don't want to put "food intolerance" on a profile, that will likely turn-off everyone 'cause isn't it TMI for a profile? Would it be better to put something like "I am very health-conscious and prefer a to make a healthy home-cooked meal rather than eat restaurant/take-out food, and am looking for a man with the same sensibilities" Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hmm, so I don't have an online profile, but I have been considering doing the online thing, I'm still on the fence about it, but should I really disclose this on a profile? Wouldn't that be weird? I don't want to put "food intolerance" on a profile, that will likely turn-off everyone 'cause isn't it TMI for a profile? Would it be better to put something like "I am very health-conscious and prefer a to make a healthy home-cooked meal rather than eat restaurant/take-out food, and am looking for a man with the same sensibilities" I wouldn't disclose it on a profile. Simply write about the things you like to do, include cooking but don't indicate that you want someone who only wants to cook at home. I would order the salad or perhaps with certain restaurants, call in advance, explain your situation and ask if you can bring your own food and order a salad. I also have seen people bring their own salad dressing. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I wouldn't disclose it on a profile. Simply write about the things you like to do, include cooking but don't indicate that you want someone who only wants to cook at home. I would order the salad or perhaps with certain restaurants, call in advance, explain your situation and ask if you can bring your own food and order a salad. I also have seen people bring their own salad dressing. Those are great ideas actually, calling ahead, I never thought of that. There are ways around it for sure, it's just that it WILL have to be explained in order for me to not look picky and high maintenance, and it's just the act of explaining it that is getting my stomach in knots. Link to comment
journeynow Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 How you handle it is probably more important than the food issue itself. If you can have fun and be fun to be with despite challenges its a big plus in any relationship. Who knows, maybe he has his own health issues he feels shy about. I understand you are very sensitive about it, but if you want to get out and meet people, date, or build friendships, you'll be taking the risk at some point, so the sooner you start the sooner you'll gain confidence around it. Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I know this isn't the same as your issues, and I apologise if it comes off as me being insensitive, but I am allergic to onion, and I don't like the taste of red meat. I have been online dating for a long time & have never once had a guy reject me because if this. I always tell them that I am willing to put onions in their portion & to cook a steak for them anytime they want. As long as they see a positive in it, and I don't make a big deal out of it they are fine. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I know this isn't the same as your issues, and I apologise if it comes off as me being insensitive, but I am allergic to onion, and I don't like the taste of red meat. I have been online dating for a long time & have never once had a guy reject me because if this. I always tell them that I am willing to put onions in their portion & to cook a steak for them anytime they want. As long as they see a positive in it, and I don't make a big deal out of it they are fine. That's encouraging! Thanks everyone I plan to tell him tomorrow, hopefully it goes well. Link to comment
Lorem Ipsum Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I think I am just insecure about being rejected because of this, but really it's like anything about yourself that can't be changed right, he could reject me because he doesn't like how I laugh, or any number of things that I really can't change about myself. And, if you had diabetes or an allergy to shellfish, anyone who would reject you because you have to control your sugar or can't eat oysters on the half shell isn't worth your time. You don't have any control over this, it's a medical condition and it's more common than you think. I've been having similar problems myself for a few years now, but not as extreme. I knew someone about 15 years ago who had similar issues, but I think they had Crohn's. It's not like you're choosing this as an extreme way to lose weight or you have food OCD issues, you have to do this for your health or you'll be miserable. He'll either understand or he won't and if he doesn't or won't try, then you need someone who will. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 And, if you had diabetes or an allergy to shellfish, anyone who would reject you because you have to control your sugar or can't eat oysters on the half shell isn't worth your time. You don't have any control over this, it's a medical condition and it's more common than you think. I've been having similar problems myself for a few years now, but not as extreme. I knew someone about 15 years ago who had similar issues, but I think they had Crohn's. It's not like you're choosing this as an extreme way to lose weight or you have food OCD issues, you have to do this for your health or you'll be miserable. He'll either understand or he won't and if he doesn't or won't try, then you need someone who will. Ya, you are so right, I know that I have to seek out guys that are really health conscious because I know that I won't be compatible with someone that eats crap, also I need to avoid guys that are very much into eating out, and experiencing new restaurants, cuisines, etc as I won't be able to do that. It is a health issue, but also a lifestyle issue too. Today I was talking to a colleague about going on vacation, and it occurred to me that I won't be able to enjoy the cuisine of the country I go too, and that made me really sad. I would have to stay in a hostel or some other accommodation that has a kitchenette or a communal kitchen so that I would be able to make my own food. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Ugh, I think I am overly stressing about this, lol. I think my issue is that I may be rejected over this, and that makes me sad. I don't know if I can handle being rejected because of this, tbh. He claims to be very health conscious and says he eats very healthily, so i'm hoping that he will be understanding. One can still eat healthy without cooking everything at home. I think it's unfair to say he's be a jerk for not being ok with this. Foodies love food and needing to eat every meal at home would totally destroy one of the primary pleasures in their life. What do you do when you travel or cooking at home isn't an option? Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 One can still eat healthy without cooking everything at home. I think it's unfair to say he's be a jerk for not being ok with this. Foodies love food and needing to eat every meal at home would totally destroy one of the primary pleasures in their life. Oh no, I would never think him a jerk for rejecting me because of this! He is totally entitled to his preferences. He seems like a decent guy. What do you do when you travel or cooking at home isn't an option? I don't know, haven't traveled yet, and I always cook everything I eat (everything, I make my own almond milk, for example) with the exception of family get togethers were my family will cook things that I can have, or I bring my own. same with friend get togethers, I bring my own food. I don't want to get into the gritty details of what I can't eat, but it makes it nearly impossible to eat a decent (normal) meal at a restaurant. Plain rice, naked salad, naked meat. That's about all I could do, none of that is appealing, and it's not something i would want to do on a regular basis. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 OK. I think you have to be prepared to eat out at restaurants once in awhile -maybe not every week but once or twice a month -and eat the boring meal or simply eat before or after so you can just nibble on a salad and enjoy the company. Is that ok with you? Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Whaaaaaat... why would he reject you over that? I think he would have the issue if he let you go, not you. Hmmm... not sure how i feel like knowing that the coolest girl on the forum who likes old cartoons like me is so close to being with someone... this is a sad day. Link to comment
happpybear Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 OK. I think you have to be prepared to eat out at restaurants once in awhile -maybe not every week but once or twice a month -and eat the boring meal or simply eat before or after so you can just nibble on a salad and enjoy the company. Is that ok with you? Ya, I agree, up until now I haven't really been dating so I never really NEEDED to do this. I tend to meet-up with friends (if they are at a restaurant) after they have eaten (and I eat at home). It just makes me sad to see food that I can't eat, but that is my issue to deal with and wouldn't be fair to limit someone else's enjoyment just because of that reason Link to comment
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