She Talks about Having Lunch & More - Red Flag?

[Caconfused]

Hey everyone,

 

Dating a girl for 6 weeks. Had 6 dates. Drove her to airport (doesn't count as 7th date). She's 30.

 

While I'm hanging out as she packs she starts telling me about her EX that's in her hometown that's she's going to for a week for the holidays. She says she was a little weirded out because he texted asking for lunch.

 

I ask her why she wanted to bounce it off me and she says something like "I don't know, I guess maybe I want you to talk me out of it."

 

I tell her 'That's not my place to tell you what to do." and that kind ends the conversation.

 

She's mentioned before other ex's that keep in touch occasionally. She's talked here and there about others that seem to want to keep in touch with her. I don't understand the thinking there.. or with the conversation above.

 

Any insight is appreciated.

[Ms Darcy]

Are you guys exclusive?

[Caconfused]

Are you guys exclusive?

 

We are not.

[Ms Darcy]

Then just wait and see how it all turns out.

[missmarple]

I don't like the way you handled this. The girl opened up to you, obviously wanting to tell you something (maybe about her ex, maybe about her feelings for you, who knows) and you acted like you couldn't care less. Unless you don't, of course. Sure, it's not your place to tell her what to do and what not to do but, after 6 dates, you should at least be interested in asking a few questions when she gives you the green light. Do you want something more with her? If yes, don't treat her like a one night stand.

[savignon]

^^ I disagree. If she wanted to find out more about how he's feeling, playing games isn't the way to go.

I think saying "it's not my place to tell you what to do" shows a tremendous amount of respect for yourself and also holds her accountable for her own actions.. Not giving her the green light to use you as an excuse why she can/can't do something.

I agree, though, that if you're into her (which driving her to airport indicates) it's the time to say as much. Not related to that conversation though. It's a separate issue.

[missmarple]

I find the expression 'its not my place to tell you what to do' cold and patronizing. He could have asked what she meant, why would she need him to tell her what to do in the first place, what happened with that ex...maybe there's a big story behind that ex and she needed some encouragement to share it with him. Sure, she could be playing games but my point is that if you don't ask, you don't learn...and then you wonder what and why.

[savignon]

If it's cold and patronizing its still in response to a grown woman saying "I'm hoping you'll tell me what to do"...the right response to that isn't to treat them like a child and tell them how to make their choices. The same person will turn around and say "he won't let me see my ex". It's a set up and/or a game. I think his response was mature, respectful and left her in charge of her own life. For me I would have liked him even more after that

[mbee]

I don't view this as a red flag honestly. I'm not sure the history of what happened with her ex, but with the guy that I've been seeing for the past 4 months... I told him on the 4th date about the situation so he'd be aware of where I was emotionally and for some other reasons. Also, I think it's nice she told you that she was planning to have lunch with him. I'd be really uncomfortable if I was dating someone for over a month and they had a lunch with an ex who is NOT a friend and didn't tell me about it. She may have told you just so that you are aware. Also, I don't think she was playing games at all... there's a point where people want to open up more and talk about things. It sounds like this was her moment of trying to be honest about her past. Like I said, with the guy I'm seeing, I told him this on the 4th date we had together and it was really important to me since it was the moment when we were both more open and honest about some aspects of our past (not necessarily exes). If he had responded the way you did with her, I would have realized that we were not at that stage where I could be open about that yet.

 

The only awkward thing about this is it's a sign that she may be insecure. I'm not sure why she needed you to talk her out of your decision. Informing you she was having lunch with an ex seems like a good thing, but informing you in the hopes that you would talk her out of it seems like a sign of insecurity. There's not enough information for me to really understand what's going on. If the ex is abusive, disrespectful, trying to hook up with her and a drama starter then maybe she was hoping for some input from you on that... but if this is just a normal bad breakup ex situation then it seems like she might be really insecure and has an issue with making her own decisions.

 

I thin this is worth you discussing it with her and seeing what her intentions are. There's really not enough information on what her motivations were.

[Caconfused]

First of all, I love reading this lively debate. I think that there's no right answer and it's great to see the conversation.

 

I really don't know how it ended with her ex. She has been in relationships of 4, 1 and 4 years. She seems to classify most breakups as things where he changed or there was a deal breaker of sorts. He lives in Virginia so I don't feel particularly threatened. I just don't know why she casually brings these situations up to me.

 

Like for example she told me another "I got this really weird text from my friend, he wants to hang out with me and he has a girlfriend." Weird.

 

And one last thing I want to mention. She told me "Everyone seems to want to marry me on the 2nd date." I sit and wonder: what's the point of saying that?

[Caconfused]

If it's cold and patronizing its still in response to a grown woman saying "I'm hoping you'll tell me what to do"...the right response to that isn't to treat them like a child and tell them how to make their choices. The same person will turn around and say "he won't let me see my ex". It's a set up and/or a game. I think his response was mature, respectful and left her in charge of her own life. For me I would have liked him even more after that

 

This is basically my thinking: if i tell her she shouldn't, I look like the controlling or jealous type. I also encourage talking about her ex. If I provide little feedback, it's all on her. I'm already having my hands full living my own life -- and asking you all for a little feedback too

[Glowguy]

At least she opened up and told you about it. She may have mentioned it just to see how you would react. I personally might be a little bothered if someone I was dating was going to see an ex, but if I was not exclusive with her then I think I would have handled it the same way you did. Just wait and see what happens. I would proceed with caution though. If I was really interested in someone then I would say 'no thanks' to meeting up with an ex, but not everyone sees eye to eye on that. Some people like to stay in touch with their exes.

[Caconfused]

Yep. What do you think about her comment about 'most people want to marry me in first two dates'?

[Glowguy]

Yep. What do you think about her comment about 'most people want to marry me in first two dates'?

 

I would probably assume that she thinks it's a red flag and she wants to take things slowly. It seems like you are doing that.

[person100]

I don't like the way you handled this. The girl opened up to you, obviously wanting to tell you something (maybe about her ex, maybe about her feelings for you, who knows) and you acted like you couldn't care less. Unless you don't, of course. Sure, it's not your place to tell her what to do and what not to do but, after 6 dates, you should at least be interested in asking a few questions when she gives you the green light. Do you want something more with her? If yes, don't treat her like a one night stand.

 

I could not agree with this more! OP, she likes you and she wanted to feel out your response. If I was seeing a guy for over a month, 6 times, I'd naturally begin to develop feelings for them to some extent. I would have taken your reply as cold, and would have felt kind of upset by it. It isn't your place to tell her what to do - but she wasn't asking for your permission either.

 

As for this comment: "I got this really weird text from my friend, he wants to hang out with me and he has a girlfriend." She feels comfortable with you and is just telling you what's on her mind! It doesn't mean anything. I say things like that if I'm comfortable with a guy all the time! I just say what's on my mind. She's chatting with you and making small-talk and expressing her feelings. I get the impression you two have a different style of communication.

[Sportster2005]

I don't like the way you handled this. The girl opened up to you, obviously wanting to tell you something (maybe about her ex, maybe about her feelings for you, who knows) and you acted like you couldn't care less. Unless you don't, of course. Sure, it's not your place to tell her what to do and what not to do but, after 6 dates, you should at least be interested in asking a few questions when she gives you the green light. Do you want something more with her? If yes, don't treat her like a one night stand.

 

I agree with this. If she asked you, she was trying to make you part of it. I don't know what you were going for?? I'm sure you didn't achieve it.

[Caconfused]

She specifically said something to the effect of "I think I want you to tell me that I shouldn't do it." Don't you agree, in effect, she's basically asking me for an opinion on whether to do it or not?

 

I agree that she's probably just comfortable with the other ones and making small-talk...

[Caconfused]

I agree with this. If she asked you, she was trying to make you part of it. I don't know what you were going for?? I'm sure you didn't achieve it.

 

Thank you for your insight. I wasn't snappy with the response. I told her matter of fact. I care about her. And I did ask about her ex a little bit. But when she told me that she was maybe looking for me to give her a reason not to go, I felt compelled to stay out of her decision process...

[Ms Darcy]

First of all, I love reading this lively debate. I think that there's no right answer and it's great to see the conversation.

 

I really don't know how it ended with her ex. She has been in relationships of 4, 1 and 4 years. She seems to classify most breakups as things where he changed or there was a deal breaker of sorts. He lives in Virginia so I don't feel particularly threatened. I just don't know why she casually brings these situations up to me.

 

Like for example she told me another "I got this really weird text from my friend, he wants to hang out with me and he has a girlfriend." Weird.

 

And one last thing I want to mention. She told me "Everyone seems to want to marry me on the 2nd date." I sit and wonder: what's the point of saying that?

 

If you want to know why she keeps bringing up this stuff with you, you should ask her.

 

I don't think it's fair though to post some of these quotes out of context. It's sort of presenting a negative picture without some necessary background.

[Ms Darcy]

Yep. What do you think about her comment about 'most people want to marry me in first two dates'?

 

Now, it's clear to me that you have a problem with communicating. You should be asking her this and not us.

[missmarple]

Yep. What do you think about her comment about 'most people want to marry me in first two dates'?

 

To me it sounds like you believe she's trying to make you jealous or something. I don't know if that's her motive but I have said stuff like that to men I felt comfortable with..not for any particular reason, just because I felt comfortable with them and wanted to talk about it. If, on the other hand, she is trying to make you jealous, why do you think that is? Are you sure she knows you care? Maybe she's trying to get some reaction out of you because she's looking for signs that you do care? Just something to think about.

[Caconfused]

To me it sounds like you believe she's trying to make you jealous or something. I don't know if that's her motive but I have said stuff like that to men I felt comfortable with..not for any particular reason, just because I felt comfortable with them and wanted to talk about it. If, on the other hand, she is trying to make you jealous, why do you think that is? Are you sure she knows you care? Maybe she's trying to get some reaction out of you because she's looking for signs that you do care? Just something to think about.

 

Very hard to judge. I definitely think about this -- is she trying to make me jealous. But she hasn't tried to control me, or have a boyfriend conversation, and she hasn't let me get past 'second base'. The relationship is moving much slower than I'm used to. It doesn't seem like she's rushing to lock me down, so why try to make me jealous? I should also add that we met on a dating site and are both still on the dating site. So there is the constant 'knowing' that we both have options.....

 

Someone mentioned about quotes out of context, and that's fair. I think she mentioned this in talking about her EX and then her just talking about relationships in general. I think it's a sign that I care when I drive to her place at 3am to pick her up and drive her to the airport. I don't think there's a shortage of good actions on my part. Honestly, I'd like to see more from her.

[Ms Darcy]

The more of this thread I read, the less I like your approach to this OP.

[mbee]

I agree with Ms. Darcy... I'm not liking your approach. You need to communicate to her. Many relationships and dating fails because it's so easy to make assumptions than to talk to someone, seriously. If you want us to make judgments about this girl and say she's insecure, may be making you jealous and other statements over someone we have never met or interacted with and based on just a few sentences you write, than that's not a good reflection of how you are. Like I said before, I cannot make any judgment calls on this girl because you have not actually talked to her about this and received her opinion. I do not view any of this as a red flag, however.

 

Like many other posters have said, including myself, ... this is very normal to bring up exes as a way to see how comfortable things are. In terms of what she said about guys wanting to marry her after the 2nd date... she was probably just exaggerating. You wont know until you ask her. The guy I'm currently seeing told me very early on that girls easily fall in love with him. This came off as a bit narcissistic and it was easy to make assumptions like he's trying to make me jealous. After knowing him for several months, I realize he was just exaggerating something and meant love in the sense of infatuation, not actual, genuine love. Just talk to her about this.

[Ms Darcy]

You need to communicate to her. Many relationships and dating fails because it's so easy to make assumptions than to talk to someone, seriously. If you want us to make judgments about this girl and say she's insecure, may be making you jealous and other statements over someone we have never met or interacted with and based on just a few sentences you write, than that's not a good reflection of how you are. Like I said before, I cannot make any judgment calls on this girl because you have not actually talked to her about this and received her opinion.

 

Well said.