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AnotherBrokenDoll

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  • 2 weeks later...
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  • 2 weeks later...

Seriously? The government is talking about cutting our penalty rates. As a nurse I am already not earning very much - take away my penalties and I'll be struggling. Also I think those penalties are well deserved. I don't enjoy night shifts. I hate have one weekend off in a month. I hate not getting home until midnight after a late shift. I would love to have dinner at home. To sleep normally. But I can't. People don't get better after 5pm.

 

Plus I'm already struggling. I'm trying to save up to buy my own horse but it's not happening. It's really getting to me that things keep popping up. I want to start competing next year. I'm really improving. I'm jumping 70 cm with a 60cm spread. (Basically a wide jump). I'm not great at that but I can now jump 50 cm quite easily so I could be competing at 50 cm and training to go bigger. But there is no horse for me to ride Plus the horse I need will at least cost like $2500 - $3000 and that's if I get lucky. Anyone want to donate to ABDs happiness fund hehe.

 

Nah I shouldn't complain. I'm loving every moment lately. Feeling myself improve every time I ride

 

Plus work is decent. Family are good. Friends - well to be honest I don't have time for friends. Except for my horsey friends and my old friends.

 

Boyfriend is going good. Such is life.

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Wonderful, have to get an ultrasound done and see a specialist. I did know it was coming. But that really doesn't help the situation. It's nothing big. But just enough to be another pain in the bum possible day surgery.

 

You know, I always wonder, all these terrible coping mechanisms I let myself into when I was a teenager. Will the urge ever go away? I am still fighting. It's far harder than I can explain.

 

It's funny. People make me so uncomfortable. I mentioned that to my sister. And she said 'but you fake it so well.'. I am so outgoing and confident so it would seem. In reality I can't stop second guessing myself.

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Ouch. I had my implanon removed today. It's just this tiny little rod in my arm. Didn't hurt at all going in. For some reason my arms all really bruised and all the muscle is actually really sore. Even in places the implanon wasn't even near! Strange.

 

The doctor thought I was a bit strange. I watched the whole thing. The slicing of my skin and the pulling it out. Oh man I love medical stuff haha. I'm such a creep!

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Hopefully riding today - although it looks like it might rain. I'm also in a heap of pain. Far out can't wait to get results from the scan and just find out what the go is.

 

So not keen for work. But I never am. To be honest half the time I have to make myself get out of bed to ride even. I know I'll have a great time once I get there I just have no motivation. Hopefully once my iron levels get better that won't be a problem!

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Oh dear god I am seriously starving. I'm doing the whole mean replacement shakes. I even am only doing the transition one. So still had a meal with carbs (just less than half a cup of cooked rice) which aren't allowed, and I had 1/3 cup of grapes too - which also aren't allowed. But somehow I am just so so hungry.

 

I had two meal replacements. And in my meal I had lots of veg and protein.

 

You would think I would be full but it is taking all my will power not to devour the entire contents of the fridge. How do people do only the meal replacements. I would die!!

 

I am so in the wars lately. So many silly injuries and also very lucky they aren't worse!!

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God Dammit. Seriously. What made me think a diet which causes me to be hungry was a great idea? What made me think following anorexia recovery blogs was a good idea? What makes me think I will ever be ready to work with people with eating disorders?

 

I stuffed yesterday up. Killed it completely. Go me. Was doing so well. Just had had my meal replacement and some carrot and hommus until my housemates asked me to grab them fish and chips. Then my boyfriend had fish and chips. Then I asked if I could go to subway but we were running late so I had like the biggest bowl of hot chips and tarte sauce for dinner. This made me so epically depressed at my lack of will power to not just drop their food off and go back and get subway, that I ended up calling for wine. So then I got in my car and drove to the bottlo for wine. I then proceeded to guzzle more wine than I thought I could. Well done. 2 bottles later I was drunk, and had consumed about 3 days worth of calories.

 

Today I have been okay. I had a meal replacement for breakfast. An orange and some grapes for a snack. I had one home made teriyaki fake chicken and avocado sushi roll (with brown rice). Then carrot and hommus for a snack and lastly a large salad with tofu for dinner. That in total came to about 1100 calories. Which is fine. 1200 is considered a good dieting amount. But now I've read all the optifast stuff and I just want to have less. They suggest 800. It can't be unhealthy if it is a world wide known diet right? So maybe I need to stop and just have that.

 

I just wish I had never let myself get here. Anyone who has never struggled with food will never understand. When you are overweight your whole life and you don't know how to handle it so you fast and b/p until the weight melts away. But you know how unhealthy it is and you've let it run your life for so long that when you finally break that cycle, counting calories and focusing on what food you have is just too triggering. So then you reward yourself for not fasting, for not purging after binges. Then you just let yourself be swallowed by the realization that over eating can mask pain too.

 

I do not think a day will ever go by that this won't be a struggle for me. I ride 4 - 5 hours a week. I have an active job and eat tones of fruit and veg. I just eat so much carbs too. So I need to back myself away now. This is it

 

This diet needs to work. I need to lose between 8 - 12 kilos. Then every day I will need to focus on maintaining that lifestyle. I need to be better. I need to feel better about me.

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The issue with Facebook.. I have my old best friends family still as friends. One of her sisters is friends with my father's niece (or I guess you'd say my cousin) My father never stuck around. But lives 10 minutes away from the address that he knew I grew up in. But never made contact. I found him. A few years ago now. Saw him once he messaged me on Facebook but I am yet to return those messages sent years ago.

 

Anyway my cousin popped up on my news feed. So I looked at her profile. One of the first things I saw? Her thanking my father for always being there for her.

 

Now please don't get me wrong, she is a teenager and I am so glad that she has had his support. Family is everything when you're growing up. (Not that I know her at all) But how can he so willingly be there for his sisters child but not for one of his own?! How do you decide that your child isn't worth fighting for? How do you just give up? I watch friends of mine fight like he'll through court cases to win custody. To be there during their child's life, but he never did. Apparently he told the court he didn't want custody according to my sister.

 

I just don't understand.

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Well exciting news. 2 kilos down. 11.7 to go. But really I'll be happy if I lose 6.7. And I did it properly. Kicked that optifast to the curb. I was starving. All that would have happened is I would have gotten into terrible food habits then gained all the weight back. All I did was cut some carbs and stick to my 1200 calories with 5 serves of veg and 2 fruit and 1 protein. And lots of riding. Also joining gym. The plan. To go to gym 3 x a week. Ride 4 x a week. Eat well 7 x a week. Going to buy healthy stuff to make some healthy treats

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I miss the high school days where I always had a friend or two to text call or hang out with. I cut out all the crap people in my life but it really doesn't leave too many. And I have some friends. But they're my housemates, and the teens I go riding with. Love those kids to death but I need a group of people my own age too. Mostly, I miss having a best friend. I go on social media and all you see are best friend comments and photos. The reality is I just don't have that person in my life.

 

I know it is partly self inflicted. I go to work, go to the paddock, go to gym and go home. I don't think I would even have time for one of those close friendships. But I truly feel it's lacking from my life. Especially now my closest friend is in Sydney. She really has no idea how much I miss her I just want someone to hang out with. To whinge to. To laugh with. To dance and sing with. To get drunk on Friday nights with. Plus this friend also rides so that would be something else we could do together.

 

I'm surrounded by people. I am far from lonely. I just feel so distant to everyone. I guess I was always going to be different.

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The world is far to cruelly too small of a place but yet not quite small enough. Facebook stalking my father. Some of his friends have mutual friends of mine.

 

2 people I met a long time ago study with a girl he works with. I have so many questions. But they just aren't quite close enough friends to really chat to you know? I don't know. But really what are they going to know anyway? It's just hard. I want to find out everything I can but I'm not ready to face him again.

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  • 3 weeks later...

In all honesty. I'm a bit of a mess. No surprise there right? I guess i probably will spend my life always being a bit of a mess. I keep myself so busy that the only time i'm at home now really is when i am sleeping. Between shift work, spending nights at granddads and visiting him on the weekend, horse riding 4 days a week, going to the gym 3 - 4 times a week and travelling between the all i am needless to say kept rushed off my toes. Often find out that i only have 5 hours to shower and sleep before i have to be up again.

 

Somehow between all of this plus the occasional catch up with friends or going out with the paddock crew or having movie nights at home, i still manage to be depressed. I honestly do not know what would fix me. I have everything. Family. A good paying job. A fantastic hobby. Some friends - although no true friends. A boyfriend. A sister who is having a baby soon, and still i am here. On the plus side, lost another kilo. Its happening so slowly, but i guess that is a good thing right? Better slow and steady and maintainable. Plus no more b/p episodes. No self harm. So even though its a battle every day, i haven't given in. Quite proud actually. This time a year ago there would be more scars. Not now though. I don't want that to be my life.

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I've been reading through my old messages on here. Makes me sad that so many people have come in and out of my life. So many of them using the kindest words they knew how to use. So many of them trying to help a young girl try and find her way out of self destructive addictions. No one will ever understand how much those words on a screen have meant to me.

 

Even the ones I have pushed away. Just because i never knew how to open up or accept help does not mean that their actions went unnoticed. Trust me, i wish so much that i knew how to trust another. I wish that when my cries for help were answered i could just let go and talk. Its all i ever wanted in this world, someone i can talk too freely. Unfortunately the opportunity has come up on multiple occasions. I just don't seem to know what to do when it does. I need help. But I can't accept it. But those who try.. You all hold a special place in my heart.

 

There is one person on here particularly that I have pushed away so often. That I have refused to allow help me. But somehow he is kind enough to always continue to try. To always have kind words to say. I hope you know I am talking about you when you ready this. I am so thankful to you. More than I can express.

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Trying to lose weight after suffering bulimia for many years is so hard. It is exhausting. I want to fast. Today I was so busy I forgot to eat and when I remembered I had that hunger feeling. The feeling that used to make me feel so empowered. So strong. So successful. I know it makes no sense to you all. But to me, it was like conquering the hardest challenge. To fast. I remember doing a 4 day fast. I lost 7 kilos by the end of all my measures. Tell me how you can lose 7 kilos in 4 days any other way?

 

But I ate. I had healthy food. I am preparing for the gym tonight. I feel like I lost though. Like I'm a disgrace. Like I should purge away my sins! I think I'll be at the gym for a long time tonight

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Today was an amazing day at the paddock. I decided to ride the easy horse today He was wonderful. I took him for a few gallops. It was alot of fun He isn't really allowed to jump so I worked on my flat work a bit, which was good. I needed to do that!! I was picking up bad flatwork habits which then in turn lead to bad jump habbits, which then lead to me falling off epically haha.

 

No more falls! My arms hurt so much from yesterday. I wish I could make my instructor happier. I can see her struggling at the moment. And I just don't know what to do to help. I wish I had all the money in the world to help her out. But I am just as broke as they are

 

Gosh it's getting cold. I don't even want to change out of the riding clothes cuz they are warm lol.

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Thanks Avman. I went a little too crazy and spent too much money. Not good haha.

 

But oh well. Got my hair done. Bought 2 new dresses. 2 pairs of shoes. Some make up. A new jacket and a few other bits and pieces. It was awesome

 

I can't believe I'm already fitting back into the smaller sizes again I thought that shopping might have ruined my day. Made me feel terrible about myself, but I actually felt quit good for the first time in a long time

 

Still got 5 - 8 kilos to go. But that's okay. I'm starting to feel proud of the way I look and in turn that makes me far happier.

 

See the difference when I have battled but continued to do this the healthy way, I see improvements improvements and feel happy with myself. First time ever I do believe

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Those moments that break your heart. When you find literally the most perfect horse but can't quite afford him. It's so freaking crap because I pay so much to ride each week that buying my own horse will actually be cheaper for me on a weekly basis. But the upfront cost is where I struggle. This horse literally is everything I want. The right breed, age, height, colour, markings, has been trained to jump.. It's like someone pulled it out of my daydream. And they have it dangling in front of me, but I can't quite get it.

 

I'm struggling at the moment with not having a horse that is my own to ride. I want to build a bond, and work together and start to know the horses weaknesses and strengths. I also want to have lessons consistently on my horse and work at building our way up together.

 

Going to the paddock to have to ride a horse I don't click with or can't do what I want is becoming too regular. Plus I want to compete next year so really need to start training together ASAP. But alas I guess I need to be realistic. I might not be competing next year at all if I can't find a horse..

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Can you arrange a loan for the horse purchase? Or a lease where you pay monthly for the same horse without outright purchasing it?

 

At the stable where my daughter was riding they offered a partial lease where we simply paid a monthly fee and she had the right to ride that horse whenever she wanted. We did not have to cover feed, vet, board, or any other expenses except if she rode in a negligent fashion and caused an injury to the horse. If they don't offer that maybe you could get a loan from a bank to buy the horse?

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Some owners are willing to do payment plans. But they are rare and normally state so in the advert.

 

I have thought about leasing but I don't really think I am quite comfortable with that. So many things. Like I'd then be riding alone - which I don't like ever since I had my fall at the beginning of the year and had to wait for someone to come help me, plus most leases around my area are on property leases - very few have jump arenas, plus I wouldn't be able to take them out for competitions, and most leases state 'for experienced rider only' which I'm not yet and don't want to get myself into trouble on a horse I thought I could but turns out I can't handle. There is one place that does full monthly leases, however to travel there and back, plus pay toll roads both ways, plus the fact I could only get out there on a day off doesn't really make it feasible.

 

As for a bank loan.. I could but I don't think I should. I already have quite a big bank loan due to tafe fees that I couldn't pay, 2 cars (one died) and a laptop I used for study. Plus I need to have an operation done in a few months - very minor won't even need a week off I don't think, but I need to pay for that privately. So I don't want to redo my loan now only to realize I can't pay for my operation. I was also hoping to pay as much as I could off my bank loan in the next 6 months and then look at buying a car to tow and then eventually a float. They don't have to be anything fancy. But I will eventually need them.

 

So yes, it doesn't look so good for my chances unfortunately. I might be waiting a lot longer than I had hoped.

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