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AnotherBrokenDoll

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I read back over my past entries when I was young. I'm officially mortified and wish I could smack my young self silly. I see the way I was and know without a doubt I never want to be that way again.

 

However I also wonder - how much have I truly changed? In another 7 years will I still be looking back at these entries I wrote today feeling the same way?

 

I don't know. I wish I could see what happens. Where in life I end up. If I'm happy and carefree like I long so truly to be. Or am I still the saddened girl who let's her past dictate her future? Not sure.

 

Something else I've noted. The people I work with - I assume that now after 2 years of working together they are feeling closer to me which is why they have started to open up. Or perhaps some people are just that open. They delve into their past history of abuse and struggles so easily. I however, I cannot bring myself to share any of that with anyone other than my boyfriend. He knows almost all there is. But the thought of just bringing these topics up with friends. Is that what you are supposed to do? Is that how you bond? Is that why I have no close friends, because I offer too little of myself to bond with? But then when I try people talk over me. Or ignore me. Or say nothing or look bored. So I don't share. I talk too much nothingness and talk too little of me.

 

I don't understand how to socialize and I wonder if I ever will.

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Haha, I know what you mean about looking at your past self. I was bored at lunch and ended up looking through my Facebook photos from the past 5 years (I'm sure they'd have been even worse if I hadn't deleted my Myspace account). I was such a dork, though to be honest I'm not much better now.

 

I think we're constantly changing. You probably will what was going through your head at the time. But I guess that's part of growing older and learning. Who isn't embarrassed of there teenage self.

 

I've found socialising takes practice like any other skill. I can now proudly say I can hold a conversation with more than one person at a time, without them being my best friends. My friends have only started opening up to each other in recent years we've been friends since we were 15 (one of them I've known since I was 4), we're all intensely private people. Some people will tell you their whole life story just because you said hello!

 

By the way is your picture on your profile you? You're very pretty.

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Oh god don't remind me of myspace! I like to pretend that stage of my life never existed

 

Yeah, I've noticed there's a lot of those people. Who just want to unload on everyone haha. But hey, at least they are comfortable enough in themselves to do so. You'd never imagine I could possibly feel uneasy socially. I talk so much I irritate myself. But it's all just senseless babble that no one really understands or finds even remotely as hilarious as I do.

 

And yes that is me and my partner. Thank you That was a nice day. Good memories from the local show.

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There is only one person in this world I feel completely safe and comfortable to talk too. I wonder if it's because I've never actually met him so therefore the insecurities of being judged aren't there?

 

We met on this site like 9 years ago. However long I've been on here - can't quite remember. I think it's 9 years - I'll check after.

 

We have gone through so much. Listened to each others woes. Felt close in almost every way. Although we've never met. I feel over the last few years he has grown so much. He is a strong person now, with no need to talk to the young girl who was crazier than the idea that you could touch the moon if you just reached your hand far enough, he met so many years ago.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am so so happy for him. Happy that he has found happiness and life outside of the computer screen. Happy that he no longer needs to crawl back onto the computer and talk to me. It is however sad knowing that someone you treasure so very much has now out grown you.

 

I do sometimes wonder if the Internet causes some sort of mystery and intrigue that makes us appeal more to one another than we would in RL. I mean, most of our worst faults are hidden behind a screen. But surely after that many years, it isn't just me clinging to nothingness of a person who has long since forgotten? Surely?

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I wonder when I became so good at this. Hiding so much from those around me. My own boyfriend knows nothing of how I feel.

 

Maybe if you let him in you might be pleasantly surprised. You do not have to go through things alone. If he loves you he will want to know how you feel.

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He does want to know how I feel. He just doesn't know how to deal with the emotions. He get frustrated I think mainly at himself, but when I'm in that mind frame I take it personally.

 

He is a good person. He just has a lot of emotional issues to work through himself. And until he does I don't think he knows how to handle other people's.

 

And that is fine. That is his struggle. I don't hold it against him. Just some days, it would be nice to just have that feeling where you can stay up late talking like you did when you were 15.

 

He is still the first person I want to tell things too. And I know, he shares with me all that he can. I can't ask for more than that.

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Not too sure what is happening lately. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I have little to no appetite or I'm eating the whole house. Apparently I've lost weight - I don't see the difference. I feel unwell I'm dreading going back to work even though when I do it would be at a new job. I just have no motivation for anything. Trying to keep my dreams high. Trying to seem happy and run around like a loon at the paddock or just chat normally to people around me but it feels fake. I don't even feel like riding most of the time now. I just want to stay away from everyone. Hide out. Never have to face the world again.

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Well wow.. My new job is so much better. No stress. No anything. Just calm nursing. I love it.

 

My riding has gone backwards. I think the realization that something terrible could happen has set in. But I'm still improving. Trying to master corner and the perfect canter seat. Which I have definitely improved that way. Now just got to get some confidence back!

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Its none of my business and i have no right to be upset. But i'm devastated. More than i can explain to anyone. My heart feels torn in two. I can't explain how much trust in have i a creature. How i know his downfalls just as i know my own. How i know exactly what i can and cannot do with him. I know his likes and dislikes, his weaknesses and strengths, and mostly, i know his heart is made of the purest intent to please - well, most days anyway haha.

 

Not quite sure what i will do without him. There is no other animal so strong and powerful that i trust. You don't realise the bond you form until it may be over. I wish i had enough money of my own.. *sigh*..

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My body is in agony. It clearly doesn't enjoy the new job as much as i do. My riding is getting worse and worse because i'm so fearful and the only horse i was confident on is now gone. I'm stuffed.I'm exhausted mentally and physically and basically just sick and tired of everything. And i a getting so incredibly tired of listening to other people fight and argue. It puts me in the worst possible mood. Also pissed because of a million reasons. I dare you to get close to me right now. You may end up eating my riding boot or you may feel the agony of my crop!!

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Well i had a decent ride today At first i thought it was going to be another disaster ride as most of mine have been. But i relaxed. Calmed myself down. And when i was calm the horse was far more calm. Then we trotted around and worked on my riding skill as a whole. So many little things my instructor picked up on and when i did them the horse would respond so much better. From the simplest turn of a wrist - i keep moving them in a little and just that small movement prevented me from having complete control and giving the horse the correct cue. I still lean far too much forward. Need to work on sitting up straight. Also need to remember that when stopping a horse i need to release the pressure in my legs - i grip on for dear life with my thighs and even that pressure is pushing them forward. After i did all these things i started doing the little trot poles. Which the horse was so excited for she rushed through them. But hey who cares we did it! I even got excited enough myself that i did a canter out in the paddock! Big deal for me of late. I'd been so scared of being out in the open that all my small jumps and cantering had been in an arena or a round yard - the theory being the horse can't run away. The reality being the horse can jump the arena fence or run straight through it (I have actually experienced this - first time ever trying to canter the old horse i was riding - he knew nothing and cantered right where i told him to go - into the arena tape then panicked and bounced back. I was quite proud i stayed on.) So it was all just getting me out of my tenseness and my fear and my anxiety and my safe zone.

 

I even rode the crazy horse at the paddock. He used to be the horse i always rode. And as a beginner he was super kind to me. Now he knows i can canter he was leaping into canters and going so fast. It was a lot of fun though. And the more you fight him the crazier he gets - so i kind of just had to grip with my legs and go with it. - Probably a good way for me to learn to chill out.

 

Going riding again tomorrow Hopefully go out in the big paddock and just canter around. Fingers crossed anyway.

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So, last night was the first bad night I had at my new job. A Co worker and a residents family just made me feel truly horrible about myself. Like I was a complete waste of space. It was really hard for me. I'm used to getting along with everyone at my previous work. I never once had a problem with residents families. In fact two of them asked if I were single to date their family haha. Normally because I treat them and their family kindly they treat me kindly. Well not last night. I did everything to try and break the awkwardness, try to find common ground. And I just got shut down each time. So I just stood their and listened to them. I came home in tears. Well here I am the next morning sitting in the car park dreading going inside. All I can say - it has to be a better day today.

 

Fingers crossed everything runs smoothly and I can get out. I can tell that this place won't be a place to make friends. It will be a simple go to work and come home job.

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Had an even better ride yesterday. Cantering all around the paddock up hills and around the trees. It was just drizzling with rain and the grass looked so green and to be on a horse hooking around in that was the definition of freedom. Probably the best I've ridden and felt for a long time. So so excited. Love the way I feel after accomplishing something new. Always so happy with myself.

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Not sure what got into me, but something made me cut the moping and the stressing and just do it!! So today my riding lesson was wonderful. Did some canter work in the round yard. Then went out and did grid work (which is trot poles on the ground do mixed in with small jumps) I had 4 sets of grids and had to do each one and then keep her going and complete the next. Basically make a mini course out of it. And I did it. And I did it quite well. Last week I couldn't even get her over one of the grids and when I did it was rushed and messy. Today we calmly did the course I think I even had a few clear rounds where we didn't knock any of the jumps! Pretty proud of myself. Today I did it at a trot - although I'd land at a canter and the longer grid we actually started at a trot and transitioned into a canter by the last little jump. But next week I'm going to try and do the whole course at a canter!! It was amazing!!

 

People who don't ride don't realize. It isn't just a you get better and better and better process. It's a I have my crap days, the horse has theirs, it's a I get thrown off, bucked, bitten, taken off on, stood on, pulled around and continue to go back. Because in those amazing moments where you and the horse do something new and master that skill - it is a feeling like no other. All the bad days where I've left in agony or in tears are completely worth every moment. Because the good days - they light up your life!

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Just watched an episode of SVU where a schizophrenic was given an injection and was therefore lucid for an entire month until the drug wore off. People will never understand the disorder. And TV shows stating it's an easy fix. Like all they have to do is go to a doctor and get a needle suggests it's a self manageable disease.

 

It could happen to anyone. It's a terrible disease. It is cruel and torments the sufferer and their families.

 

They aren't all violent individuals that will kill you whilst you sleep because the voices told them too. Sure there are those who are exactly like that - who too are suffering. But not all deserve our fear. My mother wouldn't hurt you. But yet society judges her and myself and my family. Like it's a contagious disease and at any moment I could turn psychotic and rip your eyeballs out.

 

I wonder how much of my depression and anxiety was caused by her psychosis and how much was caused by the judgemental views society has.

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I don't know.

 

I feel so ashamed to admit this, and I don't want judgment on this but..

 

Look at wear I am now, I am an enrolled nurse, I am living out of home with my boyfriend I'm a semi successful relationship. I have an amazing hobby. I work for our governments health care system. I am a hard worker. I have good friends. I laugh my way through so much. I still see significant flaws in my appearance and my personalty. But for the most part I feel that I am a good person.

 

Who I used to be? A self injurer (although the scars are still so visible people seem to think they have the right to comment and express their opinions before getting to know me.) Someone who suffered with eating disorders. Someone who was unreliable at work. Who suffered from insomnia. Who took more medications than you can imagine. Meds to help me lose weight, anti depressants, calmers, sleepers, over the counter antihistamines for the drowsy effect, strong pain killers. Someone who couldn't concentrate enough to study. Someone who would drink themselves into a drunken mess on their own and cry in the shower. Basically - I've come a long way.

 

But, I look at a friend who is still struggling - who is anorexic and incredibly underweight, who is very mentally unstable and I find her a trigger. I can't even explain it. I feel like that is where I should be. And like I have cheated life to be wear I am. I feel like I should look like her. Underweight pale unwell. I feel that I should be overdosing. And drowning in my own sorrows.

 

I don't want to be that person - and make no mistake I will never allow myself to be that again. However sometimes I feel that I took the easy way out. That I shouldn't be this happy. Why do I deserve happiness? I fought for it. Happiness isn't easy for me. It's a constant battle and every time I am reminded of self injury or eating disorders I crave to go back into that sweet hole. Because as traumatic as it is it is also so safe there. You have no idea until you've been there. But the control you have over yourself. The endorphins you release. The moment that that scale drops weight. I'm yet to feel a high quite as intense.

 

I don't know if I'm strong for winning the battle every day over and over or weak for not letting the depression take over and looking the way I should. I am a mess emotionally.

 

But I am fighting it. I want to be the strong person who can nurse those who struggle with EDs. That was my dream. Right now - if I went into psychiatric nursing I think I'd relapse faster than my orientation period. I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough for it to not effect me anymore.

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So I can just say that until you have experienced night duty you have not known tired. Especially when you are doing all shifts. Shift work is the hardest most physically and mentally draining experience of my life

 

Had a terrible day. Night duty is not helping that. I feel like my eyes could close at any moment. I've eaten a million lollies and drank 2 massive sugar free energy drinks and had 2 coffees and I'm still smashed and I still have almost 5 hours to go

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  • 2 weeks later...

So much drama going on in my life right now with the horse world. Seriously. Horses cost so much money that everyone is out for their own. It's seriously scary!

 

And as well because I'm me I don't want to upset anyone. But at the exact same time I want to do what is best for myself. But to do that it will probably cause drama and I hate drama. Plus the people involved are great people. And it's not that I don't think they know what they are doing. They do. But I'm after something different.

 

Ah well right in this moment nothing is going to change. I think I need to just wait a year and then buy my own horse. And start competing on my own.

 

My lessons have been amazing lately. Literally every lesson is better than the last one and I love that feeling! Like the improvements are just getting better and better. And it's awesome

 

It's my birthday tomorrow. Well technically today I guess. Not doing anything exciting until this weekend. My boyfriend and I are hitting the trails. Pretty excited.

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