She loves me but will marry him...

[rooophy]

Two years ago I met this girl that I had known for a while from the Internet. She was 21 and I was 28. Our online interaction had been rich and inebriating, we were both fond of each other and the online thing had been going on for over a year when we decided to finally meet, so I flew out to Boston and spend 5 days there with her.

 

It was bliss and the most intense 5 days of my life, I had the hardest time to leave her there and return home to Texas. We say each other twice after that, but the scared non-commital 28 year olf bachelor that I was had already started to shut himself down from her. When she sent me an email to shake me and ask that we be an item or nothing I went into numbness and told her I felt nothing for her, and it was best to let it go. I was also dealing with a loss of family at the time which is no explanation but probably just helped me use my emotional defenses to push her away as well as the family death. We have since kept in touch episodically but I was always short with her, she met someone and I felt I could not intrude. I also felt a pinch to the heart and ignored it.

 

The pinch to the heart got worse and worse everytime we talked, and everytime I repressed it harder. Until about a month ago, my heart exploded. I lost apetite for psysical and metaphysical foods. I realised she was it, she was the one I loved and I missed her terribly. Of course in the meantime she has gotten engaged to that man. The man that picked her up then I let her go. I did not know about the engagement till after I told her how I felt, I knew she was commited but I didn't know about the engagement. She tells me she is happy and this is the life she always wanted. We had converstations and they led her to ask me what I trully felt, so I told her how I feel now. I told her there was not a day I don't feel pain and not a night I don't stare blankly into the dark wondering how I could make such a mistake, a mistake that feels like the biggest one of my life. Through our conversations she has come to tell me that she still loived me, and that she missed me terribly. At great length we have told each other our feelings and realised that our love is true, that she too (understandably) had supressed me all this time. She missed me, wants me back, wants US back. But she will not break up her engagement. She loves him too and he was there for her when I rejected her. I can do nothing but understand. Although she tells me she doesn;t have the same connection with him as she has with me, she tells me her life has become so normal that she finds herself drinking a lot. She tells me the fire in her had subdued and now that I told her how I feel it has erupted again and she feels more alive than ever. But she will marry him.

 

The idea is a troture to me that she will go with him. He is the guy she rebounded with and now she will marry him. She tells me I am the one she was meant to be with, not the one she will end up with. I am devastated. I am glad I told her what I feel now but it is too late. She is engaged and she wants to honor that engagement. I can only respect that even though it hurst every bone and every muscle of my being.

 

I guess I do not have any advice to ask for here. I just wanted to share what I cannot share with anyone. I will welcome anything anyone has to say about this. I should mention this did not happen to me out of loneliness as I habe been dating a girl for a few months. no doubt this situation is affecting my current relationship. I want the love of my life back and there is nothing I can do to get her back.

 

F

[HaloDestroyer]

Another sad case..... These are really difficult, in my experience...

 

The best and only thing you can do right now... Is to talk to her.... Tell her how you feel... That it'll kill you if she marries this other guy... But tell her you'll always be there for her...

 

And you have to do just that... Keep in touch, do what you would usually do...

 

If she won't give in, let her marry this guy, and then wait 'til she realises her true feelings, and comes back to you...

 

You'll be in my thoughts... Good luck, my friend.

 

Ben.

 

XxX xXx

[rooophy]

Thanks for the advice and the kind words. I appreciate the support. I think I have already told her everything, how I feel, how her upcomiong marriage makes me feel, everything.

 

I also told her that I wanted us to stay in touch, even though I think it'll hurt me. But I have tried to protect myself against that before and I put myself in a whole lot more hurt. So I'll try something different. I really think her marriage can work despite what I see as problems already. I think she'll make it work and I think he's good to her. Once they are married it'll really be over.

 

She also said, after we talked for hours last night, that even though she was not going to leave him she would like to see me one more time. Just for coffee or something. She says he'll be gone for 10 days in February and that would be an appropriate time if I decided to fly there. I normally wouldn't, it's foolish and can only give me fake hopes. But at the same time, the way I feel now tells me I should see her just once more. Maybe I'll see how she has changed and maybe I can get closure. She is also really insisting that I go and I can't resist her, not anymore. So I think I'll go, and I know it'll hurt me but that's a lesson I need if I want to be sure to never make that mistake again.

[nenez]

Go and see her. If she sees you and still decides to marry the othet guy you will have closure.

However she may see you and decide she cannot.

Its a win win.

If she decides to marry him, do not keep contact until you feel better. Keeping it up short term will hurt. Let it heal and then be firends but my best advice is get over there and win her back. I did with my finace. \he was engaged to marry someone else and I knew we had to be together again. We met, it worked and we are , better than ever.

Go for it and good luck.

Love always nenez xxxx

[Iceman26]

Man this is a rough one, sorry to hear all this has happened man.

 

Well your options here are that you can go and see her, or you can just let it go and move on.

 

I personally feel its messed up that she loves 2 different men and is still getting married to this other guy. I'll bet this other guy doesn't know that she is talking to you, and if he knew what was going on, he may break off the engagement. I know I wouldnt marry a girl that told me she loved someone else too.

[rooophy]

Thank you all for the answers. I still need to work up some courage to go see her but I want to do it. So I think I will. I'll try and keep a cool head and not get my hopes up, whatever happens happens and I'm sure I'll eventually see the reason behind it all or at least get closure.

[OceanEyes]

Wow, flying out to see her (completely accross the country) is a pretty bold romantic gesture!

 

She probably feels safe from pain and rejection from this guy. She knows that he can provide her with emotional stability. If a woman has been hurt enough in her life, eventually she will just seek out relationships that are comfortable, safe, and reliable. I think, that if you can prove to her that you can offer these things to her unconditionally, a promise of sort, then you have a pretty good chance of winning her back.

 

Special connections are so hard to find, and she knows that. If it really is true, then how can she marry someone else? The only way that I can see her going through with it is if she made an emotional decision to stick with something safe.

 

Good luck, and let us know how everything goes!

[rooophy]

Thanks OceanEyes. She did say she never connected with him the way she connected with me (and I for sure never connected with ANYONE like I did with her). But she also describes him as everything a woman could ever wish for, and I believe her, he is probably exceptional and that's why she got engaged to him.

 

Now it's a matter of honor for her to not break her engagement and in a way I would not want her to break it for me. I would want her to break it for herself because she realizes he is not what she wants. Then her and I can have a fresh start, which would be impossible if she left him for me. Breaking an engagement is traumatic and I would probably end up being associated with it forever. Who knows what consequences that can have.

 

I will go see her because I'll die happier if I can see her face and hold her once more. Maybe we can even both get closure from it.

[rooophy]

I got news on this story of mine. Since then I had decided to go up to Boston to see this girl (the one that said she still loved me but would not break off her engagement). She told me her man found our online conversations on her computer and sh*t hit the fan. He was apparently verbally rough, they nearly broke up but they didn't. She now tells me she realised she was lying to me, that she really loves him and she will spend the rest of her life trying to win his trust back. She says she said these things to me because of the dqnger aspect and the forbidden nature of it all. I have trouble believing that after having her in tears on the phone prior to her getting busted. Yet, the problem remains, she still is ok with me flying up there "as long as i don't make a move or anything like that". I'm not so sure i want to go anymore. Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. At any rate she took the risk to lose me by telling these things so she can save him, and that is a clear message.

[Iceman26]

I think it would be wiser if you didnt go dude.

[rooophy]

that's what I have come to think too. And yet what I would give for one last chance to see her. It's really tough sometimes.

[Ron]

Really sad to hear what you're going through. Probably not the sweetest time in anyone's life.

 

Any harm going to see her?

 

And will you be able to live knowing you had the Oce chance to sort things out (maybe you will get closure when you see her and decide she's happier with the other guy or perhaps you two may realise that perfect is not always the ideal and embrace each other with the flaw that are?)?

 

Not often do we find the one we really want.. soulmates and all, if you believe in that stuff. But then again, not everyone get to marry their soulmates.

 

She seems confused too.

 

Somethings seem clearer in person, when words are no longer necessary.

 

Good luck, buddy. Hope things sort themselves out ...

[nikki1835]

Sorry might be late in replying to this but i've just joined and had to respond!! I am a girl who met a guy from scotland and immediately we had a very strong connection with each other. We spent nearly all our time together talking. We opened up and told each other things that we both swore we hadn't told anyone else. We had an emotional bond that i have never felt with anyone else.Then came the time when he had to leave to start a new job at home,we discussed it together.thought it was best for him that he went back as i had only just come out of a 6 yr relationship and things were still quite new between us. Went to see him like he asked about 5 weeks after he left and one minute he was all over me, telling me how good it was to see me chatting away telling me that he couldn't believe the effect i had on him, wanted to go travelling with me and wanted me to meet his mom etc and the next minute he was pushing me away. Total mixed signals when i was with him. He is a 28yr old batchelor! From what i can tell he is not ready to settledown and make a commitment to anyone.He did mention once before that he didn't know whether he would ever be able to settle down but that i had him(whatever that meant!)

So after reading your post and telling my story, i really can see where this girl is coming from. I am now back 5 weeks, spoke once on the phone briefly and now i have decided that i just couldn't be bothered anymore. As strong as my feelings are for him, and i really do believe i could never love another person the way i love him. If he came back tomorrow and confessed his undying love for me, i really don't think i could go back there as much as i would want to. When your feelings are that strong, its amazing how much power the person can have over you. All i want is a man who is sure of how he feels for me and i am sure thats what this girl craves too. Timing is all important too, if she was single she may be willing to give it a go, but she isn't she has a man who is willing to stand by her and not push her away. I believe life is hard enough, without having to wonder if today is the day he is going to shut himself and his feelings for me off again. I think meeting with her will be VERY difficult for both of you. But good luck. In a perfect world you two would end up together but unfortunately we can't always have the ones we want the most.

[luciole]

You should definitely NOT have gone to see this girl. Kind of sounds like a manipulating * * * * * , if you ask me - playing head games with you for her own amusement. What's all this "I love you, I love you not" crap?! Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she and her guy are both in on it, to see how far the can string you along. Forget her, man!

 

Oh, and whatever you do, definitely do NOT move halfway accross the country, leaving your life behind, to be with her.

[RayKay]

This thread is over 3 years old, so little late if he has moved......

[luciole]

I know it's an old post. But when I found it, I had to say something.

 

I'm the girl he was talking about...

[emalkoc]

* * * ...are you serious or you will get a lot bad remarks here!

 

why did come here? did you miss him now?

[cr44hill]

luciole - was it really all a game? how did you find this? why tell now? this is bizarre to say the least.

 

If true, that is pretty damn cruel.

[emalkoc]

 

If true, that is pretty damn cruel.

I thought the same!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Totally bizarre!

[luciole]

No need to get upset, folks. It was most certainly not a game. It was a very real, long, strange, and difficult story. I was touched to read this post when I came accross it. I won't go into the details of what happened, but I will say that this tale does have a happy ending. He did move halfway accross the country to be with me, and we have lived together for over a year now. I've never been happier.

[Iceman26]

Wow, this was one of the first posts I ever posted on here too. Congratulations to you both.