This whole thing is a mess :(

[dilation]

Hi,

 

This post is probably going to be very long and very disorganized so sorry in advance if it is...

 

For one I don't know where to even start so I guess I'll just start from the begging and go to now...

 

(I am 31 she is 25) - we live about 3 hours away by train.

 

I started talking to this girl online about 4 years ago - and it slowly ended up with her constantly texting me and wanting me on webcam at all times (amongst other things) - which led me to think she was very interested.

 

I eventually asked her and she says she is in love with me (and i have to admit i am too).

 

So we end up spending all the times we can together even if its on webcam - and this is continuing to today (We even sleep on webcam together every night).

 

Then I find out she has a boyfriend already (about a year ago - which yeah i probably should have walked then - but i am in too deep now)

 

I asked her about this and she says he was good to her for about 3 months then stopped showing her any affection and does not want to be with him (or single - which is a part of her not ending it I think) (I found out recently she has been with him for 6 years)

 

I asked her why she lied and she said she didn't want to loose me (not sure what to make of this)

 

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Anyway apart from all that which I could kinda forgive if she actually starts taking some sort of action with us there is still major problems...

 

I have gone to meet her in real life about 5 times now - I go every month which is all I can afford ATM.

 

She is incredibly shy and lacked so much intimacy and love in her whole life, she has basically been cheated on and used by every boyfriend she has had - so is very mistrustful of my love and thinks its not real or just a dream.

 

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She also had no clue how to act in a real relationship when I met her - and I have got her to the point where I feel we could both be incredibly happy if she just let go of this fear or whatever it is holding her back - even if she is still scared in a relationship with me that would be OK.

 

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When we are together we both have this amazing chemistry (from both sides) and give each other butterflies so its not all one sided (I think) - we are basically in a long distance relationship and say we love each other and act as if we are - neither of us are sleeping with anyone else (as far as i know) - not even her with her boyfriend.

 

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I have a million and one doubts though ATM - and i think rightly so...

 

1) I would move there to be with her if I saw any action from her side to make us real - we are boyfriend / girlfriend without the label - because she is still with him and keeps asking for more and more time to do it - saying she is 100% going to she just needs more time - I also dug out of her further that she is scared to be with me "in case her issues mess it up" and needs to feel like she can trust me and my love first, needs to meet a few more times and cant be in a relationship ATM because she will mess it up with her issues (I said but your in one with him - and she said - yeah if you can call it that). - ATM though we are acting like we are together properly day in day out - and if i pull away she doesn't like it one bit.

 

2) I would normally take that as its not happening and even said I will have to move on - she will then break down big time (and so do i) and fights and fights for me to come back - but then when I do its just this again, she then says its because of the distance as well as her issues and can she please give her more time and not "pressure her" - and its defo gonna happen - then swings to - well i cant make you wait but i want you to because i am getting better - and if you end up with someone else she will just have to deal with it (which to be fair I think she is getting better with me - and has also distanced herself from the bf a lot - and even told him about us (because i told her to) and that shes gonna end up leaving - but somehow they are still together - even though they don't even act like bf / gf but have the label - and me and her do but don't have the label - its really really confusing

 

3) I am making changes in my own life for her and us - including not chatting up other girls, stopping smoking, would move there too but I feel like I need some sort of commitment from her side first - which she doesn't seem to get. I feel like she is totally faithful to me sexually - but obv not relationship wise because of the bf.

 

4) She has told me she is so worried - she cant seem to let me in all the way (and there's no strings for her cos we have not had sex yet) she has let me in half but not 100% - yet she says and acts like she loves me and we are together already.

 

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Since she has done all this I've noticed my feelings starting to dwindle - like im building my own wall - at first I could tell she loved me - and she was defo gonna be with me - now im not so sure - even though she says it.

 

I've got issues of my own - and none of this is helping - Trust issues / insecurity etc - as has she - but all this is doing is making them 100 times worse - I don't even feel like i can keep bringing anything up with her anymore - because as a self protection, if i bring up a problem she sees it that im going to leave - and gets in first ending it - then comes back or i do - begging each other to stay.

 

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This is all really starting to mess with my head - I have not only put my love life on hold for her but also somehow my actual life (and it feels like im depressed all the time) - if i try to leave she fights tooth and nail for us which makes me think she wants it - but then we just end up back like this.

 

I feel like im going to be waiting forever - have told her that - she promises it wont be and that she is getting so much better - I am seeing her in 5 days time she promises me she will try and relax and let her heart open a bit with me then - but i don't even know what im looking for or if i should say anything before / during / or after.

 

I realize its totally wrong for either of us to be doing this and she could do it to me - but I love her so much (even with this wall starting) - I'm sure she loves me too - and wants to end things with her bf and be with me - which i could live with - what i cant live with is this waiting and waiting and waiting - its hurting me a lot and I feel like im not good enough / not wanted enough for her to do that - If the roles were reversed - no matter how scary it was - i would end things and be with her - because I love her - and would not want to hurt her like that and tell her to wait.

 

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I feel like the whole relationship is on her terms - because she can just leave - and often does if she doesn't "win" an argument or feels like I will leave.

 

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Sorry this is so long - and I already pretty much know what your all gonna say - to leave / should have walked when I found out she had a bf / its wrong and doesn't speak highly of her.

 

Since I already know that - what i really want to know is...

 

1) Since seeing her is booked and paid for (a lot of money actually each time i see her) - What should I do? Try and sleep with her so she has the so called string? be looking for anything? say anything about all this or wait until after? I've already decided I wont be seeing her again after this time unless something changes - she does not know that though. - is 6 times enough? should i keep seeing her - or even move there to remove the distance issue (she defo does not believe im going to move there and she says its holding her back a lot) - she has been told by friends and family don't be stupid he wont do that for you - except that I would.

 

2) Whenever she gets close to letting me in her body reacts in a bad way and literally she is overcome by fear and just can't - the problem with this is - now im feeling like that because I feel like im never going to have a proper relationship with her and feel used and messed about.

 

3) Should I wait at all after I see her or should i say - im pretty much done now unless you become single and find me and be with me - straight after? a few days after? - I feel like I need to do this - I just don't know if 6 times is enough - or if im making a mistake because she gets SO much better each time I see her.

 

4) I realise you have all seen this stuff a million times before - and the standard answers to it - but i don't think she is doing it on purpose - I trully beleve she has major insecurity and trust issues (I've seen it) - what do I do in that case? hurt her again like everyone else has - I just don't know - all i know is this is f-ing me up big time inside now.

 

5) Is there something I can say to her to make her see what she is doing and that she will loose me soon if it continues - and that if she wants me she has to act - now! ?

 

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She is getting all the benefits of a relationship without having one with me - I just want to be together, and if i try and leave it feels like a real break up from a real relationship for both of us - probabbly worse for me (god cant beleve she said she has not got a string - but then still wants to act like we are together 100%) - and expects me to keep up my side of the relationship when its not even really a relationship (well label wise anyway)

 

 

The most heartbreaking thing is - I do love her and would never hurt her but she can't see it - and i trully beleve she loves me but is scared to high heaven of getting hurt again or it going wrong and her ending up on her own again - god damn it i just don't know what to do anymore - and talking does not seem to lead to action - and creates problems and me begging and pleading - so I just sorta stopped because im becoming seriouslly insecure myself doing that - now I am just holding it inside (when i can).

 

P.s. - we have kissed - and fooled about a bit but nothing serious - I don't think she is playing me or using me in my heart even though it feels like it - But her issues are affecting me big time now and I have fallen for her - I just want her to realise she can't keep doing this and keep me waiting - and at the same time if i give up I loose the only girl i've actually ever loved and who seems to trully love me - I want to just do it all for her but I cant - and i fear we will just stay like this forever.

 

Help - please

[SooSad33]

Sounds like yer both bouncing this 'neediness' off each other.

 

It is very hard to have a 'proper' relationship from a distance and with the fact of her 'bf' still in the picture isn't so good either.

Let me also remind you that it takes time, after a break up for those involved to 'recover' & be able to move on again, properly.

So- not only are you 'waiting' for her to become 'avail', you're also gonng have to wait out her recovery, IF you want things to work out.

Look up 'rebound relationships' and hope that you aren't one.

She may be using you as an 'emotional pillow' right now.

 

Do NOT give in and move there.. who's to say things will crumble withing a few months of you arriving? She isn't even split up from him yet.

Do NOT go sleep with her to 'make strings'. That's nasty. And SHE is confused as it is already.

You should not be crossing these boundaries while he is still in her grasp.

 

IF she is having these insecurity & trust issues... that is a problem! I think SHE needs to work on that.. soon!

 

As for YOU? You can NOT solve her problems for her. You're aware of a lot at her end. And YOU need to get your own self together about this.

To continue with this- is your choice.

 

Can you handle it anymore.. or not?

I honestly feel that you're just getting more and more messed up as time goes on.

See how things go with this visit. IF she doesn't get it together in such 'due time'? I'd end everything!

'

Believe me... there are more women out there. I understand how you've 'invested' so much into this.. but if or when things do end up..either which way and your mind becomes 'clearer', you will also come to realize all that's been mentioned here, on your own.

 

Gd luck

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No i cant handle it anymore, She knew something was wrong last night and i ended up telling her everything - and then she still said wait it will happen - I said i'll think about it - last night i had yet another bad dream about it all (I've had many) - she knows all this.

 

Today when I woke up i decided i cant even bring myself to see her for the visit - even though she said it will help her a lot - but if i go see her im gonna just fall more in love.

 

I basiclly have said to her I cant do this anymore and if she cant leave him I will have to walk away (whatever the reasons are) - she said can I still be her friend while she sorts it out and i said no because it will be too hard for me - but once im over it all i will then.

 

We have argued about this many times and yeah shes scared im not for real - but it's me getting more and more hurt as time goes on regardless.

 

Litterlly told her now if she can't leave him just let me walk because i've had enough.

 

Im pretty much done with it all now but thank you anyway - she still has a chance if she leaves him but if she doesnt then im walking - and now - and she knows this.

 

told her i wont be seeing her - unless she has left him - i thought she didnt want to be with him and wanted to be with me and would act on it - apparentlly not.

 

Do you think i did the right thing? maybe seeing her sunday would have helped but theres too much hurt in my heart now for that and i would just be thinking im wasting my time.

 

gave her an ultimatum - me or him - and its final - and i dont wanna know anymore until shes done it... I doubt she will just stop talking to me though - and no contact is going to be so hard but someone just tell me its ok (if it is) and I aint blown a chance here on love?

 

Timez

[chitown9]

I didn't need to read the entire original post to realize that you just need to let this go. It started with a lie. ...chi

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not even gonna say what happened but you can probablly guess - lets just say i saw her in the end and something happened between us... not sure what to do or say now about it all to her (if anything) - I know it was probabbly stupid but she trusts me a lot more now because i didnt leave her after - and also i trust her a lot more now for some reason. - I said you will have to tell him what happened and she agrees - im not sure she will tbh - but I still want her to be my girlfriend properlly - what should i do now?

 

Timez

[uniqueme]

If you really want this then I guess the only thing you can do is just continue on?