Need Advice, Ex Met Someone Else

[redhotchilipepper]

Just needed some advice from someone,

 

I met this girl over three years ago and when I met her she was a party girl. She went out every weekend with her friends and drank quite a bit. We started dating and she totally changed into a more mellow person. Her parents loved me and said I brought out the best in her while we dated. I basically met all of her family and they all liked me and she met mine too without any issues. I even moved into her parents house for over a year which was great because we could spend alot of time together.

 

Near the end of the 3 year point I started dealing with a sickness that really made it hard on our relationship because I couldn't focus on her 100% and it really tore us apart in alot of senses. I wasnt myself when I was going through this and she felt that I wasnt showing her love and affection for about 6 months but it wasnt something I did on purpose. During this time she was accepted into a school over in the UK and when she left things were really left on bad terms. I got treatment during her first few weeks there and got better and back to my old self again and we started talking alot more. She told me that she needed some space because the last 6 months were really hard for her and she wasnt sure what she wanted to do.

 

The more we talked things seemed to be getting better but she confessed to me that she met a guy there and he told her he really liked her alot and she started developing feelings for him. She said she had been very lonely and he showed her affection and things I was not able to do the past 6 months. We talked alot and she said that I shouldnt worry because I was her first love and that this guy was irrelevant. She actually kept using that word alot but I told her that it was very relevant and that if we wanted to work things out she needed to tell him she was doing so and to stop talking to him otherwise it would make things harder.

 

Hearing this obviously crushed my heart because this was never an issue the whole 3 years we were together. We were always faithful to one another until this guy got into the picture. She told me we needed space to see what we really wanted because she was confused by us talking too much. I agreed to give her space but she kept contacting me everyday and I told her that she kept breaking our agreement. She said I was right and we agreed to talk once a week. She kept texting me on weekends telling me she loved me and she missed me and that she wished I was there with her right now which confused me even more. During this time however she was going out and drinking alot again. She said she was finding her independence again? Whatever that means.

 

We agreed that its best we talk when she comes to visit because doing this over skype or the phone was making things more difficult. We both made a promise to each other that we would not see anyone until we talked in person when she comes for a month on Dec 7th. Just last night I found out she went to a party this past Friday and she told me "he kissed her". I felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and I felt sick. She told me it just happened and she felt terrible. I told her she went back on her word and everything we had talked about and agreed on doing. She said she thinks she just needs more time but she still wanted to see me when she visits because she doesn't want to end things on bad terms.

 

I told her I can't talk to her right now because I feel sick thinking about this and she should just live her life and I should live mine. I sarcastically told her that I must have been on her mind when they kissed and I guess it is relevant after all.

 

My dilemma is she still wants to be friends and wants me in her life. She still wants to see me when she comes but I feel like it will just confuse me even more and make things harder. She said that once I see her and I still want to go my own way she will respect that but she at least wants me to give her that chance since she stuck through it with me when I was sick. I don't see it being the same thing though. I feel like she will go back after her visit anyway and eventually see this guy again and the hurt will start all over.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Thanks for reading

[faraday]

It's so hard to move on when you're still talking to someone you love. My ex and I did this...for two and a half years. We would break up and make up...and neither of us ever really let go. We dated other people...but both of us compared our current dates to what we had...so nothing worked out with new partners.

 

If I could do it all over again...I would have stopped talking to him that first time. It hurts so much. I totally get it. But it's way worse when you drag it all out.

[No1]

If you dont want to be friends, you dont have to. Now IMO you can be friends with your X, but its hard to be a true friend if you still have emotional attachments.

After 3 years of dating you are probably going to be in eachothers lives in some way. You dont have to be best friends, but you dont have to be total strangers either. You shared something special and that doesnt go away in a few days. So in your case, you can tell her that you just cant be friends right now and be honest as to why. Just say you need time and when you are able to have a true friendship you will seek her out. Id say the occational call or text is okay to say hi, but no deep conversations are needed, just a little hi there Im still alive is okay from time to time, I dont think that will hurt you.

You sound like a person that cares for her and you will always care for her, you just cant do it right now. Be honest with yourself and with her. If she gets mad, she will get over it, but she will understand your view.

[Edmund Exley]

First suggestion - Stop being open to what she is doing. You don't need to discuss her kissing other guys.

 

Second suggestion - Take sometime with no contact and make peace with the end of this relationship.

[KarenC]

We must watch people like her because in the end these type of people aren't even worth our time and we'll exhaust ourselves wondering.

 

You were sick (something that you had no control over) and/but instead of her worrying about your health and enduring and being understanding and supportive; she was more concerned about her feelings and platonic desires.

 

If you ask me; I'd say that she'll always flee in the time of trouble and/or if/when things aren't her way...Very selfish of her!!!

[redhotchilipepper]

We exchanged a few emails and we ended up talking in the phone. She told me she needs to see me in person to see if she gets those feelings back. I told her we could hang out a few times and if it doesn't work out we have to go our separate ways. I told her I need time to heal if she decides she doesn't want a relationship before I could ever see myself putting her in the friend zone.