Need honest advice. Should I just give up ?

[heartxbroken]

I was with my ex-boyfriend for 15 years. We were high school sweethearts and now in our early 30s. Very long story short... we had an argument of me not moving in with him (July). He said it was at this point his feelings had changed. We got in a fight about my jealously soon after and we didn't speak to each other for a week. It was during this week where he took his new coworker (24 years old) out to dinner 'celebrate a project they completed' and they went out to a movie. He did not tell me this until after I initiated contact and said she had a boyfriend anyway. He said it was platonic. I still was furious over this, because I consider this cheating. He started to distance himself soon afterward making excuses he was studying for his license exam and busy/tired with work. He dumped me at the end of August saying he wasn't in love with me anymore. I went NC immediately.

 

After 2 weeks NC, I caved and called. I found out that 1 week after the break up.. he starting dating the coworker who broke up w/ her boyfriend(long distance) to be with him. I did every wrong thing trying to get him back. He said he was confused and that he has feelings for the coworker. I stepped back and carried my broken heart away. I did 30 days of NC and missed him terribly. I contacted him after the 30 days NC and it was overall positive. He said he missed me and he wants to reconcile. However, the new gf being his coworker will make it very awkward for him at work. He said there was no emotional connection with her and she acts too young for him. He said to be patient and its a "process".

 

3 months after our break up.. he is STILL with her. We went out several times behind her back to eat. We held hands and kissed but no sex. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me, but he has not broken up with the coworker. He would call me nearly everyday. When I called him, he would pick up with her there. She would get upset but he said that I would always be in his life. At this point, every conversation we have ends with me crying because after 3 months, all I have gotten are false promises with no action. We got into an argument a week before thanksgiving when I had asked him when he was going to get into fixing our relationship. He said to wait a few more months and that he was starting to resent me for pressuring him. I broke down crying and he said he would call me the next day. He had told me he doesn't allow her over his house anymore. The next night, I drove by his house to confirm my suspicions.. her car was there. When I called him later that night, he said he was at church with her and he would call me back later. It has been 10 days with no contact from him and I have not attempted contact. I know he spent that weekend with her and her friends. Also, I know they went snowboarding today. I am not sure if he is avoiding me until he gets the courage to break up with her or what. It doesn't seem to me he is distancing himself at all from her like he says he is.

 

I don't know why I continue to torture myself. We had talked about getting married next year and having a family together. Honestly, part of me does want him back because we have shared so much history together. I am not sure what to do at this point.

[midnightdeirdre]

Honestly, part of me does want him back because we have shared so much history together.

I think this may be the only real reason either of you want to get back together. You're still in love with the memories, not so much each other.

[shelty24]

You need to stop this. Open your eyes. He was cheating before he broke up with you. He dumped you for her. You need to find some self respect and tell him to get lost. After 15 years together-this is no way to end a relationship. Hes been horrible and you didnt deserve this treatment. He should have ended it with some care for your feelings and been on his own for awhile to give you some time to heal. Thats what decent people do. Instead he had an affair (possibly emotional affair-maybe not physical), lined up a plan B first and then left you broken and rubbed her in your face.

 

This guy doesnt love you or respect your feelings or what you had for 15 years

 

now your just letting him have his cake and eat it too. Youve become her-the other woman and hes not worth fighting for. Hes too much of a passive aggressive coward to be honest with either of you and too insecure to be alone so keeping you both as a backup plan encase the other doesnt work out.

 

Look people change. Hes not the same guy you fell in love with. Hes changed for the worst. Hes shattered your trust and your heart and even if he did come back youd never get back what you once had. What he did is like breaking a vase and trying to put all the broken pieces back together. Itl never be the same again and youll never forget this treatment or how untrustworthy he is.

 

Its time to accept its over. I know its hard but you gotta be strong now. Hell regret it. Hes just lost the best thing he ever had and he doesnt deserve you. Theres more worthy men out there so please make a promise to yourself now that your gonna cut contact, be strong and ignore any advancements from him. You are NOT allowing him back ever. Your worth more. You need to tell yourself that until you believe it

 

chin up hun. Fresh start, new life and a better man in your future

[jjkk]

He's not distancing himself from her. He may be conflicted about what you had and what he has with her but I will repeat you are right, he's NOT distancing himself from her at all. He's not avoiding you until he gets the courage to break up with her, it doesn't seem he has any intention of breaking it off with her, sorry. My honest advice is stay no contact and let your heart heal so you can move on.

[ParisPaulette]

I don't know why I continue to torture myself. Honestly, part of me does want him back because we have shared so much history together. I am not sure what to do at this point.

 

You continue to torture yourself, because he keeps holding on to you and won't let you go. The problem is he won't let the other girl go either. Your first mistake was allowing him back into your life while he was still with the other girl. And he just handed you a complete line of BS like he's handing one to her too. There are no consequences on him if he breaks up with one or the other or even both of you, let's just face facts. However he has, unfortunately, gotten a taste of what it's like to have two women and now he wants it that way only--i.e. you both are there to serve his needs and his needs only and to h**l with what it does to either of you. Do yourself the biggest favor in the world, pick up the shreds of self-respect you still have left and tell him if he ever ends it with her and wants to get relationship counseling to figure out how to have a healthy, monogamous relationship with you then he can call. Otherwise he isn't to contact you ever again--oh and BTW you aren't waiting, so if he decides later and you're with someone else by then too bad. He loses.

 

And then you walk away and you do just that. You go through NC and you heal unless you want to be half of this guy's harem, because that's all it's ever going to be. He'll likely even add someone else to the picture after a time when his ego swells to the point he thinks why stop at just two. Sorry, people change and not always for the better. If you're serious about getting out of this relationship revolving door then the following article might help: link removed

 

I have been there, but I have to be honest and tell you the only way I got back any happiness and love and sanity and self-esteem was to leave my ex far behind. When they're being emotionally abusive like he is to you, and let's face it saying he wants you in his life while he's sleeping with and having a relationship with a coworker IS emotionally abusive, then you don't really have a choice. You've accepted a demotion from your former position as girlfriend to "the other woman" and he likes it just fine. But unless you do the only choice you have is to walk. And as to getting him back, you have to sit down and do some serious soul searching about why you'd want a cheater back. You already know he will never accept responsibility for his own actions and as long as you let him have his way he never will. Just my thoughts on it, I know you're maybe hoping someone will tell you he'll get it all out of his system and be a good guy again. But the problem is good guys just don't do that crap to begin with.

 

End it and find a better life for yourself and then somewhere down the road share it with a man who really is a good man. That's my advice.

[heartxbroken]

Thank you all for this. It hurt, but I really needed the reality check. I've already read the replies several times and I think I will need to read it several more times in the coming months to remind myself when I am weak.

[AutumnBorn]

Heartx, I suggest you get a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. It can change the way you see what happened, show you the warning signs.

 

15 years is a long time. At least it wasn't 16.

[sharky988]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

Here's a guide that will help you also: link removed

[Teri008]

Know your worth. Yes y'all have a history together but cherish those memories and let it be a closed chapter in your book. It's time to adventure and start fresh again! Get PRICESLY what you want! stay single, date lightly and once you find what you want it will be worth it! Y'all been together since kids and y'all familiar with each other that's why it's scary to let go. Trust me I KNOW. But trust me everything will be alright! And you'll find love again and be thankful you let go of your past! Good luck Hun! ((Hugs))

[Tanzi]

Hi heartxbroken.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

He isn't distancing himself from her and it seems as though he has no intention of doing so in the immediate future either.

 

He didn't contact you the first time around and he hasn't contacted you now .... what does that really tell you? He may have been a tad conflicted when you first contacted him but apart from stringing you along he had no real intentions of doing anything about it. Had you not contacted him I doubt you would have heard from him.

 

He has told you nothing but lies ... both before and after your relationship ended.

 

Be honest with yourself ... what possible reason would he have in avoiding you until he leaves her? Why would he suddenly stop talking to you if he was planning on leaving her to be with you?

 

I know this extremely hard but you need to open your eyes and see this for what it really is. You need to draw a line under this now and stop waiting for him to leave her.

 

Be thankful that at least you didn't marry this guy. He is both a liar and a cheat.

[cpthurm]

Please, separate yourself from the situation. If you can not do that it will only kill you. I was married for 16 years and my wife left for greener pastures. When I truly let her go and forgave her I was able to heal. If he is seeing you behind her back, do you think their relationship is going to last? If you google divoce care classes, it will help you out. Even though you are not married it will supply you with the tools you need to get to a better place. I also took a long hard look in the mirror and decide I was going to become a better person for myself. I am much happier now that I know I tool time for myself. Think about yourself, you need to be happy without him because another person can not bring you happiness.

[doicare]

I agree with Shelty.

 

It's time to move on. As long as you're contacting him, he's getting his cake and eating it too. He wont break up with his current gf until he experiences the idea of losing you. Right now you are just waiting by the sidelines like a sad lost puppy. You deserve to be happy, and you're putting the condition of your happiness on this cheating b*st*rd. You are going to get really angry with him when you finally realize what a jerk off he's being. He doesnt deserve the feelings you are projecting towards him. Believe in yourself and move towards the happiness you deserve and that he will never be able to give you.

[heartxbroken]

Please, separate yourself from the situation. If you can not do that it will only kill you. I was married for 16 years and my wife left for greener pastures. When I truly let her go and forgave her I was able to heal. If he is seeing you behind her back, do you think their relationship is going to last?

 

I think I've always known it was an unhealthy situation, but I still sought him out hoping there would be some change when he gave me hope. There never was a change, yet I still tortured myself by calling him and waiting. What I think hurts most is that he said he wanted to be alone for awhile to focus on his career when he broke up with me. Now I know it was a heartless lie considering he got with the coworker a week later. Even though he kept telling me he was going to break up with her... it was never the right time. His main excuse for not breaking up with the coworker gf was that the company is small and he doesn't want his life to be hell at the office. He just kept stringing me along for over a month knowing that he was hurting me every single day telling me to be 'patient.'

 

The replies put a lot of things in perspective for me. He isn't the person I thought he was and even though I put in 15 years of my life with this person, I know I need to move on. It still hurts everyday and at times I find it hard to get out of bed. It hurts to lose my best friend and see a person I invested everything in so easily throw it all away. Right now, I do not think I can ever forgive him or be friends because of how badly he mistreated me and his actions post-breakup.

[shelty24]

Well done hun. This is the first step to healing. Its not gonna be easy but you know its for the best. He wont make this easy for you. Hes gonna pop up like a bad smell occassionally and thats when you need to be at your strongest. You need to be prepared and now its your turn to be cold and heartless. Do not give him an inch. Don't answer his texts, emails, phone calls-in fact just block him altogether so he cant contact you. Don't answer the door. Ignore him and pretend he doesn't exist if you see him and even go and find your own little fling/rebound to rub in his face... move on.

 

After 15 years of being tied down-your free. Enjoy it! You can do what you want, go where you want, date again (which can be soo much fun) take the time to really think about what you want and be fussy, set your standards high.. i know its gonna take time to heal and its okay to feel like crap for awhile but try to focus on the positives. This is a fresh start and i believe everything happens for a reason. He wasn't the right one

[heartxbroken]

He didn't contact you the first time around and he hasn't contacted you now .... what does that really tell you? He may have been a tad conflicted when you first contacted him but apart from stringing you along he had no real intentions of doing anything about it. Had you not contacted him I doubt you would have heard from him.

 

He had said before he didn't like to contact me because I would always bring up the issue with the coworker gf.. we end up fighting and I get emotional. He also said he hates the pressure I put on him and how I make him feel because of this. Honestly, I did try to be really understanding initially. When a month passed and still no action was taken was when I started to put the pressure on him. I know he is probably not contacting me anymore to avoid discussing the situation. As I write this, I think I see that it is clear he has chosen her over me and I have wasted the last 3 months of my life fighting a losing battle.

[heartxbroken]

Just an update.. today marks my 2nd 1 month true NC (4 month post BU) which will go on forever. There has been no contact from him and I doubt he will attempt to make contact considering his actions post BU. I assume he is still with his new coworker gf too. I still get waves of sadness, but it gets replaced with anger. I have accepted that there is no saving the relationship and have made steps to moving on by focusing on myself. I no longer have urges to call him although I do get triggers where I miss him. I miss who he was and no longer love who he is now. Finally, I am starting to think logically rather than with emotions and my heart. I did not think I would get to this point. Now... if only the pain will go away and I can just forget him completely....

 

Part of me wishes that one day he will call me and tell me how much he regrets what he has done so that I can shut the door in his face.

[Hopelessromant]

I think the more you have cried and asked over and over again that you wanted him back, the more he took his time .. He basically knows he has you. He has her and you.. It's probably exciting for him subconsciously that two girls are wanting him. He wanted you most when you did no contact for a month. When you still wanted him despite what he did to you (stringing you along) he knew he can have you whenever he wants which is why he has taken so long. Staying away however and not contacting him and telling him you're better than this makes you look more attractive in their eyes. Whether he comes back or not, you look like a confident girl who knows she can have anyone she wants and has a huge amount of respect.