My boyfriend talks down to me

[shortchica]

Today has been a very bad day relationship-wise. We've been giggly and happy for weeks without even the smallest incident, and all of a sudden for some reason today it's different.

 

First thing this morning, I found out my boyfriend has to work the day after Thanksgiving, throwing all our plans out the window. I was sad that I wouldn't get a chance to spend time with my family, but made sure not to blame it on him. I told him I understood, and tried to make plans for the following weekend. He got upset, saying rather aggressively, "whatever you want." We were in a restaurant during this conversation and he starts rudely talking very loudly at me, getting in my face angrily saying things I can't even recall, because I told him his idea wasn't something my parents would like. I told him I knew my parents, and they wouldn't be comfortable with what he was suggesting. The conversation got so heated that I moved to another table to halt the confrontation and he shouted "really?!" at me, causing other patrons to look at us. For some reason it mattered so much to him that I suggested we do something the following weekend, rather than do something more convenient for him that didn't really work for my parents.

 

That conversation died and we came back home. We spent some time in separate rooms and eventually things seemed better. We've been selling some items on Craigslist, and I got a call about an item that was located at his mom's house. He had just been over for a visit and said she was sleeping, so I told the caller he'd have to come see it tomorrow as she was laying down for a nap. When I told him about this conversation, he got upset that I didn't let him come over, then shut me out by turning his back to me at his desk and saying in a rude tone "well I hope we didn't lose a sale." He takes these digs at me all the time, making little insulting comments, every time I do something that he doesn't agree with.

 

If I make any decisions without him, they are almost always the wrong ones in his eyes. Every time I stand up for myself and tell him I don't appreciate the way he speaks to me, he gets even more angry. He told me "I wouldn't have to talk to you that way if you'd just listen to me." I told him he's rationalizing talking down to me and essentially telling me I'm making him do it. No one should be talked down to in that manner. He got upset, told me I was being obnoxious, and drove away.

 

I'm always wrong. He talks down to me like I'm a child. The reason I haven't left him is because, through dating him, I've come to realize I've acted the same way in prior relationships. I was totally blind to it, and whenever I was called out on it, I denied it. I've realized how much it hurts to be spoken to that way, and in this realization, I have done my best to make sure I don't do it to him. Through curbing the behavior myself, I know it's possible to stop talking to someone that way. I stopped due to being introspective, but how do I get him to stop? I've asked him calmly not to talk to me that way (he always has excuses and starts yelling at me), I've asked him to stop or else I'll leave him (he says I'm 'making mountains out of molehills' and that I'm being ridiculous), and I've straight up talked the same way back to him to see how he likes it (says I'm exaggerating and that he doesn't talk to me that way.) I don't know how to get through to him. We live together several hours away from my family, so it's not like we can just spend time apart. Moving home or getting my own place just aren't feasible options unless the relationship is really, truly over.

[LC8328]

The fact that you've acted the same way in previous relationships doesn't mean you have to suffer now. It just means that you've grown as a person and you're not like that anymore.

 

You don't deserve to be treated like this. You may have changed but that is by no means a guarantee that he will. I fear he may become abusive to you in the future. It starts when one person doesn't respect the other, and he doesn't seem to understand that you're your own person.

 

I suppose it's possible that he's acting this way because he was stressed out about having to change plans and/or disappointing you. But still, the question remains, why would you want to be with a person who treated you like this, regardless of the circumstances?

 

Even when you discuss the matter with him calmly, it doesn't help and even makes things escalate. You can't force him to suddenly respect you and treat you the way you need. Sometimes love isn't enough. Where there is no respect, there cannot possibly be a healthy, happy relationship.

 

My opinion, you deserve much much better. Good luck.

[Kendahke]

what was it that he was suggesting?

 

 

 

Listen, you're not going to get any medals staying with someone who verbally abuses you. Just because you used to do it and have learned from your mistakes doesn't mean that you must atone for it by submitting yourself to the same treatment. He's not going to stop treating you this way if you insist on staying there.

 

You can't make him stop. That's on him and he's not listening to you when you object to his treatment. It'd be different if you weren't speaking up, but you are and it's falling on deaf ears. The only thing you can do is to administer severe consequences when he does it---and you're not hearing that.

 

You staying with him means there isn't a problem; or it's not serious enough for you to leave. So if you can't figure out how to end it, then learn to live with it.

[SooSad33]

Of course.. he's in 'denial' that he's treating you like crap- No respect.

Do YOU want this the rest of your life? being belittled like this?

 

Get out of that- away from him.

Work on trying to be more assertive for a while, on your own. Be happy being alone and build more confidence.

 

Don't know HOW you can get thru to him? You won't, this is how HE is.

Best way is to leave.. then he'll get it. And IF he goes at you some more after that? Probably guilt. don't play his games!

Like a narcassist.. it's all about HIM.

 

Yes, get away- move home for a while. Look at renting a place near parents.. you have friends there?

Do it- for YOUR sake. Mentally and emotionally.

[El0t]

If he won't accept that you're trying to work with him and be open to communicating and working on it, it's best that you just leave... Do what makes you happy and if there's no end in sight, then there is likely to be no end.

 

Best of luck.